Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode one hundred. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

In navigating male-dominated professions, women often find themselves grappling with a variety of challenges that can significantly impact the speed of their career advancement and sometimes, whether they will advance at all in their organization. At the core of these challenges lies the fundamental question: What’s at stake when we push our own dreams aside? 

In this episode, we explore the personal cost as we attempt to succeed in our chosen professions. I’m not sure I really understood the personal and professional costs involved when I first set out to make my mark in engineering and all the barriers I would encounter that would test my resolve, time and time again. 

Along with the challenges we are bound to encounter, there is a significant cost, both mentally and emotionally, when we downsize our ambitions, do the work that doesn’t align with our career goals, settle for less than we deserve, distrust ourselves, and play small just to make other people feel less threatened by our abilities. It’s time we stopped being a pawn in someone else’s game and started working to make our own dreams a reality.

One of the most significant challenges we face is the hesitancy to set ambitious goals and make them known because of the potential consequences, both personally and professionally, of not fully achieving them. We tend to downsize our ambitions or allow others to dictate which opportunities might be right for us, instead of going after what we really want. This stems from not wanting those around us to feel uncomfortable with our decisions. The inherent desire to be agreeable and avoid being perceived as demanding can lead to stagnation and steep compromises in our pursuit of a fulfilling career. 

A crucial aspect of this struggle is the reluctance to ask for what we rightfully deserve. Not articulating our desires can result in missed opportunities for growth, learning, and skill acquisition. This also comes into play when we fail to negotiate fair compensation right from the start, not recognizing the long-term impact this can have since annual raises are often percentage-based, compounding the initial disparity and diminishing our earning potential over time. This underscores the importance of realizing that everything in the professional realm is negotiable and there is an expectation that we will negotiate, so their first offer is rarely their best offer. 

We need to start with a firm foundation of self-confidence before seeking external validation from others. Otherwise, we are far too susceptible to the highs and lows that praise and criticism can cause. Relying on external approval leaves us vulnerable to manipulation and gaslighting, eroding what little confidence we may have and perpetuating those feelings of imposter syndrome. If we continue down this road of increasingly doubting our abilities, we may begin to feel like we’re stuck in our current role, because we can’t quit because we fear that no one else will hire us, so we should be grateful just to have what we’ve got. As unbelievable as this may sound, it’s true and I went through this for a period of time until I was able to gain a fresh perspective on the true value of my unique combination of skills and experience. 

Resistance to change is another challenge. As women, we may opt to stay in roles long after we have mastered the skills necessary, simply to fulfill what we see as a need within the company. However, this reluctance to embrace new challenges can result in being passed over for promotions, receiving fewer raises, and being taken for granted since we’re not perceived as a flight risk. The desire for security and familiarity may ultimately hinder our professional growth. 

A common pitfall is the inclination to be ‘everything to everyone’, making it difficult to set boundaries. Overcommitment and the inability to say no can lead to exhaustion and burnout, affecting both our professional and personal lives. Being overextended and struggling to then deliver at the expected quality standard may put a strain on those relationships you’ve worked so hard to build, highlighting the importance of learning to assert yourself in the workplace. 

Remember, no one really knows how much is on your plate, especially in a matrix organizational structure, where you may have multiple bosses. All they see is you not delivering to the level expected of someone in your role, which can tarnish your reputation and all your hard work and personal sacrifice may be for nothing. 

These challenges underscore the critical role of self-worth and understanding the value each of us brings to the table. It necessitates a clear vision for career progression, a willingness to invest time and effort, and the self-confidence to take calculated risks that challenge and stretch you beyond your comfort zone. Sometimes, where you’re at isn’t a good fit and knowing when to leave a current role or company becomes paramount when the barriers impede your goals and dreams. 

Making a big change like this to ensure continued career growth requires a courageous departure from the comfortable and the familiar. It’s not a decision to be taken lightly, but it is an option that should be seriously considered when you’ve reached that point.

In essence, the price we pay in succumbing to manipulation in the workplace and playing small can be detrimental to our well-being. The key lies in recognizing and mitigating these challenges through strategic decision-making, boosting our self-confidence, and making a steadfast commitment to our career vision. Only then can we truly break free from the constraints these environments present and create the career we dream of having.

Compromising career goals, downscaling ambitions, and allowing others to dictate opportunities in order to avoid causing someone some discomfort can exact a substantial toll on our professional trajectories. The high cost of such compromises manifests not only in the immediate consequences, but also in the long-term impact on career satisfaction, personal growth, and skill development. 

When we opt to set aside our aspirations to conform to societal expectations, or to maintain harmony in the workplace, we risk stifling our sense of fulfillment and achievement. Trying to avoid causing discomfort in others often gives way to more profound discontent in ourselves as the realization sets in that our professional goals have been deferred or sacrificed entirely. Additionally, the act of downsizing ambitions may hinder career growth, as the absence of challenging objectives can lead to a stagnation of skills and competencies.

In many workplaces, where advancement is already challenging, acquiescing to external pressures can exacerbate the struggle for professional development. By relinquishing control over career decisions, we may find ourselves boxed into roles that do not allow us to unleash our full potential or capitalize on our distinctive strengths. 

Unfortunately, the impact extends beyond our individual job satisfaction to the broader landscape of gender equality in the workplace. The perpetuation of norms that discourage women from pursuing ambitious goals reinforces gender disparities and undermines efforts to create inclusive work environments. Ultimately, the high cost of compromise not only affects our own career trajectories, but also contributes to the challenges faced by women coming after us, seeking to break through those inevitable barriers in the workplace. It’s time we got comfortable with making other people uncomfortable.

Not asking for what we want in terms of projects and opportunities can significantly impact our long-term career trajectory. By hesitating to express our preferences and needs, we risk being assigned tasks that may not align with our career goals, hindering our ability to stay challenged, continue to grow our skills, and demonstrate those we’ve already mastered. 

The consequence of staying within our comfort zone for the sake of being agreeable and avoiding the perception of being demanding is the potential stagnation of our skill set. In dynamic professional landscapes, where adaptability and continuous learning are paramount, failing to actively seek out projects that push our capabilities and foster growth can leave us behind in terms of relevant skills needed to advance. 

Moreover, the reluctance to vocalize our career aspirations may lead to a perceived contentment with the status quo. Colleagues and bosses may assume that we are satisfied with our current roles and responsibilities if we do not communicate our desire for more challenging projects or career advancement opportunities. This perception, fueled by our own silence, can result in being overlooked for promotions or excluded from high-impact projects. As a consequence, the latent potential within us remains untapped and the gap between our actual capabilities and perceived contributions widens, limiting where we can go in the future. 

Ultimately, the price we pay for not asserting our preferences and articulating our career aspirations extends beyond missed opportunities. It can lead to a professional plateau where the skills required for career progression become outdated and our potential contributions are undervalued. It underscores the importance of proactive communication and the willingness to advocate for our own professional development within the challenging dynamics of the workplace. 

Unfortunately, it’s not just about asking for the projects we want that can up-level our skills that can hold us back. The decision not to ask for what we deserve in compensation and to accept subpar offers without engaging in the negotiation process can have enduring consequences that extend far beyond the initial salary discussion. When we acquiesce to offers that fall short of our true market value, we inadvertently contribute to the perpetuation of long-term pay disparities.

Many women, and myself included, feel reluctant to negotiate, fearing potential repercussions or the need to abide by societal expectations to be agreeable. It doesn’t help that when we do get the courage to ask for what we deserve, we are laughed at. Yes, that actually happened to me, even with proof in hand that I was seriously underpaid in the marketplace. However, keep in mind that the compounding effect of leaving money on the table becomes more pronounced over time, especially as salary increases are often percentage-based. By foregoing negotiations, we inadvertently set a lower baseline for future raises and bonuses, exacerbating the gender pay gap. 

Importantly, many people may not realize that nearly everything in the professional realm is negotiable, from salaries and benefits to work arrangements. Understanding this can empower us to counter initial offers and advocate for our worth. 

Additionally, employers often anticipate counteroffers, expecting candidates to engage in some form of a negotiation process. Failing to come back with a counter offer can be perceived as a lack of assertiveness, potentially reinforcing stereotypes and diminishing our perceived value in the workplace. 

By reframing negotiation as a standard and expected part of the hiring process, we can claim our agency in shaping our professional worth and do our part to dismantle the systemic barriers that perpetuate gender-based pay disparities. It is fundamental to recognize the pivotal role negotiation plays in establishing equitable compensation. 

Asking for what we deserve requires a certain level of self-confidence which can also come in handy when questions arise surrounding our level of competence. We have a tendency to seek external validation and approval rather than determining our own level of skill. This can lead to a cascade of challenges. Relying on external validation sets the stage for vulnerability to manipulation and gaslighting, as our level of confidence becomes contingent on the opinions of others.

When our self-worth is tethered to external feedback, the pitfalls become evident as we may find ourselves navigating a precarious path where our competence is constantly in question. This susceptibility to external opinions can erode our confidence over time, leaving us feeling trapped in our roles. The adoption of a mindset that suggests we should be grateful for our current job, coupled with the belief that this is the best we can do, signifies a dangerous convergence of self-doubt and external pressure.

The erosion of self-confidence can reach a point where we are no longer able to recognize our own proficiency and the value we bring to the table. This distorted self-perception can hinder career advancement as we may underestimate our capabilities and downplay our achievements. Feeling stuck in a role becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, perpetuating the cycle of seeking external validation and overlooking our intrinsic worth. Breaking free from this pattern requires a shift toward internal validation and an understanding that everyone is a work in progress. We can be great at our job and still recognize where we need to improve. 

Embracing the idea that competence is a journey, not a destination, empowers us to break free from the shackles of the opinions of others, opt-out of their manipulation techniques, and regain confidence in our own abilities. Recognizing our inherent value allows us to navigate our careers with self-assurance, challenging the norms that have perpetuated a cycle of self-doubt and external dependency. 

When our confidence in ourselves is lacking, we tend to be more reluctant to embrace change. This often contributes to our fear of venturing beyond our comfort zone because of our own perceived lack of readiness. This aversion to change can lead us to persist in roles where we have already mastered tasks, yet continuing to do what needs to be done since we think it is our responsibility. While this may provide a sense of security and belonging, the unintended consequence is stagnation in professional growth. 

By resisting new challenges, we risk being passed over for exciting projects and may receive significantly fewer raises as we are seen as dependable and not likely to want to go anywhere else. This paradoxical situation arises from the desire to feel secure and comfortable, contributing to a professional environment where familiarity takes precedence over ambition.

Furthermore, being perceived as content with what we’re doing may inadvertently hinder opportunities for career advancement. Colleagues and bosses may view those who avoid change as reliable and stable, yet this very perception can result in being excluded from new initiatives and overlooked for promotions. The paradox lies in the fact that the very desire for security and familiarity may become a barrier to career progression, trapping us in roles that no longer challenge or stimulate professional development. 

To break free from this cycle, we must recognize the importance of embracing change as a catalyst for growth. It requires stepping outside the confines of the familiar, challenging ourselves with new responsibilities, and advocating for opportunities that push us beyond our established comfort zone. By doing so, we can dispel the notion of stagnancy, positioning ourselves as dynamic contributors ready to take on evolving challenges and secure a more rewarding professional future. 

In addition to this, many of us have the desire to feel needed and the inclination to be ‘everything to everyone’, which can be a significant challenge to overcome, but overcome we must. This innate drive often leads to difficulties in setting boundaries, as the fear of disappointing others or being perceived as less accommodating can outweigh the need for self-preservation. Consequently, we frequently find ourselves taking on an overwhelming amount of responsibilities, surpassing our capacity to deliver at the high-quality standards we have become known for. 

This overwhelming workload inevitably leads to exhaustion and burnout, negatively impacting not only our professional performance, but also seeping into our personal lives. The sacrifice of personal time becomes inevitable, as we may find ourselves caught in the relentless cycle of trying to meet unrealistic expectations.

Furthermore, the struggle to say no can result in taking out our frustrations on those closest to us. The inability to set boundaries may lead to heightened stress levels, manifesting in strained personal relationships, especially at home. The fear of damaging professional or personal connections by refusing to take on additional tasks that are well within our capabilities, often leaves us feeling trapped. But just because we can, doesn’t mean we should. Learning to say no becomes a delicate art, requiring a nuanced approach to preserve relationships while safeguarding our personal well-being. 

Overcoming this challenge involves recognizing the importance of setting boundaries for our mental and physical health. By setting limits, we can not only avoid burnout, but also maintain reasonable expectations and foster healthier relationships, both in the workplace and in our personal lives. It’s essential to reshape the narrative around the fear of saying no, understanding that establishing boundaries is a vital component of maintaining our overall well-being and creating sustainable success. 

The stakes are high in steering our careers toward our long-term vision. At the core of this endeavor lies the crucial element of self-worth and an unwavering recognition of the value each of us brings to the table. The journey toward career progression demands a deep understanding of our personal aspirations, a commitment to paying our dues, and a strategic approach to the time and energy investment required. 

A pivotal aspect of reclaiming control over our career trajectory is the cultivation of self-confidence. It involves not only knowing what is desired in terms of our career progression, but also having the courage to take calculated risks that challenge and extend us beyond our comfort zone. The willingness to step into uncharted territories, despite potential discomfort or pushback from others, becomes paramount in the pursuit of sustainable growth.

Crafting a vision and a comprehensive plan for our career is the cornerstone of success. Adaptability is crucial, but it must be aligned with the overarching vision. It requires a delicate balance of asserting yourself even when it makes others uncomfortable, annoyed, or feel threatened. Navigating this terrain mandates a strong sense of self and a commitment to personal and professional development, irrespective of external opinions. We need to adopt the mindset that what they think is none of our business. 

But sometimes, where we are doesn’t provide a clear path forward, so recognizing when it is time to leave a current role, or even the company, is an essential skill. We must be attuned to the presence of barriers getting in the way of our career goals. The courage to make the decision to leave and seek new opportunities is a testament to the commitment to your career vision and professional growth. 

The ultimate question revolves around the price we are willing to pay to avoid playing small. The risk of being manipulated by those more adept at office politics is a looming threat. To break free from the cycle, we must be steadfast in our pursuit of personal empowerment, shedding the fear of making others uncomfortable. The price of playing small is a compromise of personal and professional potential, perpetuating the very barriers that hinder our progress and that of those coming after us.

So remember, the stakes are high, but the power to shape your career trajectory is in your hands. It demands a profound understanding of your self-worth, clarity in your long-term goals, and the courage to take risks, and a strategic vision for what you want in the future. 

By navigating this journey with confidence and resilience, we can not only overcome the challenges encountered in the workplace, but also redefine the landscape, inspiring others to follow suit. 

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Determining What’s At Stake at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode one hundred.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com.

If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It’s my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what’s holding you back in your career, and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I’d love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.