Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode five. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast for focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

Everyone wants something. That’s just the way it is. And in order to get what we want, we need to be building support and overcoming the resistance. It might be more cooperation that we need, or more time, or more money, or maybe it’s amore interesting project. These are all part of our everyday conversations and it’s not restricted to formal deal-making. 

In this episode, we’re going to get into the fact that everything is a negotiation, and we’re going to cover some strategies and tactics that you can use to get what you want.

We tend to think we aren’t naturally persuasive and we tend to let opportunities to negotiate pass us by. We may not even consider that negotiating is a possibility. We make do. We move on, not realizing that we could have bargained for what we want instead of taking what was offered. It may be a lack of training or a lack of experience that we’re not aware that we’re even in a negotiation until it’s too late to change the outcome. 

Negotiations are about relationships and relative power. Context matters and it’s not just about substance. It’s important to know what you want, but it’s not a rational exercise because emotions are involved. We need to figure out their interests and needs, and establish common elements, and identify differences with our own interests and needs. 

Most negotiations are with people with whom we expect to have an ongoing relationship. And we want those relationships to be strong to empower us to work together to resolve differences and to negotiate successfully now, and in the future. We’re hoping to improve rather than damage those relationships. And negotiation happens between people and how you handle those relationships as part of the negotiation process, determines your success. 

It’s not surprising, but raising kids teaches us a lot about everyday negotiation. We’re routinely dealing with conflicting priorities, multiple demands on our energy, suggestions for change, and we’re often met with resistance. In the workplace, responsibilities often exceed our official authority to get things moving. And we can’t tell people what to do. They won’t listen, let alone follow orders. And we have a desire to put the working relationships first, but you can’t just focus on the problem because unspoken wants and expectations come into play.

There are established ways of doing things as well as ways of resolving conflict. And we need to capitalize on the differences, swap something you don’t care about, for something that matters. And you can’t take the people out of the problem, because sometimes they are the problem. But not everyone is ready to negotiate. And we have to assume that everyone has an agenda, so we need to understand the whole situation at play. 

The better a negotiation satisfies each party’s interests, the better the deal is for everyone. 

Interests are the underlying needs, desires, fears, concerns, and hopes that drive positions. And during a negotiation, we try to discover the other party’s interests to find out what is really important to them, and which is the most important, and why it’s so important to them. 

Then we can hypothesize as a non-threatening means of encouraging the flow of information needed to uncover those interests. It makes the process more conversational and less of an interrogation to uncover those interests and craft a win-win deal. Conversations based on a hypothesis don’t create absolute conditions or obligations for either side, but rather proposes a hypothetical solution strictly for consideration. 

When the other side asks you questions to get facts, try answering their questions with questions of your own. Because if you just respond with an answer, you have no idea what other information they may have, or how your answer will compare with industry data, or whether you will appear smart or gullible, reasonable or rigid. So it’s better to respond with a question and direct the conversation to the underlying factors. 

Try to gain an understanding of the interest by asking another question that gets a little deeper into the real issues. By inviting people to tell you more, you will discover useful information they may have left out originally. You can also direct the conversation to an area of your interest. 

And as you can imagine, there are many barriers to negotiation and a big one is ourselves. We underplay our strengths and we read weakness into our situation. We must first influence ourselves before we can influence others. And we’re our own worst enemies, so sometimes it’s more a matter of staying out of our own way. 

Being ready for what’s next is having confidence in yourself and your ability to hold your own. And you have to start with some negotiating with yourself because you have to first believe that you are in a good position to ask for what you want, before you can convince someone else that your demands are legitimate and defensible. It’s not like you’re trying to oversell or over promise, but you’re also not needing to take what is offered. 

Another barrier is not believing that a YES is possible. We can expect the NO, but to get past that NO, we must believe that a YES is a possibility. So take a step back and take a realistic look at what you’re dealing with.

We tend to go silent or walk away without even making an attempt to get what we want, or we dig in our heels, or we become more rigid than persuasive because we think we hold all the cards when we don’t. When you accept NO as the end of the conversation, you are removing the possibility of negotiating through the problem. We have to believe that it’s possible. And no decision is final until it’s accepted by both sides. 

Another barrier is not realizing that everything is negotiable. Remember, it’s not whether you can get something, but how to get what you want. It happens all too often that we’re given an exciting new opportunity for a new project. And it’s not like we’re sitting around doing nothing. Everyone wants the same top performers and we’re busy.

We see this new project as a vote of confidence, but we fail to mention the heavy workload we’re already carrying. And knowing the visibility of this new assignment, it gets our full attention, but our other work starts to slip. And people soon forget that you’re doing the job of two people. All they see is what’s not getting done. 

We need to see the new project as an opportunity for negotiating what you need to make it a success. Whether that be bargaining to lighten the load of your current responsibilities, maybe reducing them to an oversight role, or negotiating for more resources or support on the new project. Believe me, they will respect you more for being proactive and responsible upfront and not waiting until things go off the rails. 

Make it known that you’re excited about the new opportunity, but there are things you need to be able to do your best work. Don’t be hesitant about making waves or haggling over the terms of the assignment. Sometimes we feel like we have no choice, and we don’t want senior management to think their confidence in us was misplaced, but you have more power than you think you do. You don’t need to be everything to everyone and people are willing to help you when you make it known that you need some give and take. 

So don’t just go along with what’s being offered and don’t shut down your options. Discover the reasons behind what’s being asked of you and get this discussion going. Don’t confuse being sensitive to others with giving into their demands, because demands are part of the negotiations. It’s the reason for negotiating in the first place. We can choose how we phrase those demands, so find your voice and make sure they hear what you really think.

Another barrier is thinking that it’s supposed to be easy. And then we opt out or avoid when it’s not. We negotiate in a way that gets us what we want. It’s easy to focus on our weaknesses and fall into the negative bias where we overlook our strengths. 

Negotiating will be challenging and you will be intimidated. And you’ll be tempted to rigidly defend your claims or retreat. And you need resilience to stay in the game. 

It’s natural to have doubts about being able to reach your goals. The difference is not allowing those doubts to control your actions. If you listen to your inner critic, you will start making concessions before the discussions even start. You’ll be bargaining yourself down. And then the second guessing starts: “They’ll never agree to that”. “I’m good, but maybe not that good”. “I’ll start a little bit lower”. At least give them a chance to react to your request, so it’s not a totally one-sided discussion. 

Yet we tend to retreat at the first sign of displeasure or disagreement. Instead, use those nonverbal cues to get curious. Try to understand their point of view. We want to be fair to everyone, but not forgetting about being fair to ourselves. 

Be aware of making adjustments or concessions in response to what they want. You have to understand the end cost of those concessions because there is a price for peacemaking and self-sabotaging actions do more harm than good. So think about what works to their advantage and what works to your advantage. 

In my own situation, I was feeling undervalued, overburdened and angry. I saw resignation as the only way out of my situation because the timing for new projects just didn’t align and accepting another troubled project was not what I wanted. I felt the consequences of going along with the request would be disastrous. The request was beginning to sound more like an order and not the beginning of a discussion. 

And my negative perspective didn’t have me feeling in control. And once self-doubt took over, the risk I felt distorted the situation. It seemed like all the choices were equally unappealing. I was preoccupied with my vulnerability, reading weakness into my position, and seeing no way out. 

But my position was stronger than I realized. And what I needed to do was to take a step back and take stock of everything that I had going for me. I needed to be asking myself, “Why were they negotiating with me at all? What did I have that they wanted or needed?”. 

People don’t negotiate without having their reasons. Everyone wants something. And everyone stands to benefit somehow. They either see immediate advantages or potential gains in the future. So what are they? What do you offer? 

This shifts your focus from why you need them, to why they need you. That change in emphasis forces you to look at your strengths and prevents you from getting bogged down in the weakness of your position. Knowing your own value gives you a psychological edge. 

Effective communication is essential to a successful negotiation. In high-quality communications, the message understood by the receiver carries the same meaning intended by the sender. Parties understand each other, even if they disagree. That requires listening, acknowledging, and aligning. 

But sometimes we struggle just to get them to listen, let alone cooperate with us. It’s not as easy to get to a yes, as we’ve been led to believe. We need to overcome barriers to communication and to position ourselves in the negotiation to be taken seriously. And to ensure that they’re willing to cooperate, to reach a mutually beneficial solution. 

We sometimes find ourselves in situations where we’re at a disadvantage for reasons that have little to do with the topic at hand. And if you break down the issue, it’s actually made up of many different issues and interests. It’s those differences that give you room to find a compromise. No one wins everything, but no one loses everything either.

It seems simple enough. Look for differences in needs and interests, propose a solution that plays on those differences, and find that third option that satisfies everyone. The challenge is in bringing the other side to a point where they see the value in negotiating and compromising. 

Knowing what you want is important, but being in a position to get it is an entirely different matter. Objectives, attitudes, and goals can shift over the course of a negotiation. The actual issue may not be the whole story. There may be a lot more to it. 

It’s about the impressions you create, making a connection, recognizing hidden agendas, and being willing to negotiate, being aware of the balance of power, attitudes, and biases, and knowing that it’s not a zero sum game. It’s about overcoming self doubt and emotional reactions, especially when we lack authority. And it’s being aware of the dirty tricks and bullying tactics that they may use. 

There are some benefits to learning to negotiate well. By becoming more persuasive, we’re more likely to get the best deal in a negotiation. 

We have to learn to prepare effectively for all types of negotiations, and handle difficult people with confidence, all while resolving disputes and preserving relationships. It’s about knowing when to say YES and how to say NO. And this is all about getting what you want. 

Creative ideas are key. Doing the rational and objective analysis is based on figuring out what motivates other people and capitalizing on that. We expect that they will jump at the creative ideas that meet their needs, but that’s not that easy. Rationality and objectivity are not the only things to consider. There’s attitudes toward conflict, biases, and feelings that we have toward one another that come into play. 

There might be a history there, and that has an impact on hidden agendas. A good idea alone is rarely enough, even when there are mutual benefits, because it’s not purely a rational exercise. 

There’s a discussion of the issue at hand, but then there’s the interpersonal communication that involves the relationships between the parties. There’s also a negotiation about how we’re going to negotiate. This is where we work out the terms of the relationship and the expectations and where we explore whose interests, needs, and opinions matter. We’re sizing each other up, testing to see where the give is, making assumptions about their wants and their weaknesses. 

And this is no place for the passive observer. You must maneuver yourself into a good position, or deal with the position that’s created for you. Your action or inaction determines what takes place in the negotiation and your position changes the dynamics. 

You have to create the conditions for your voice to be heard and to make room for their voice as well. But to hold your own, you don’t need to be tough or aggressive. It’s more important to get into a good position to advocate for your interests, because when you’re unsure of yourself or your ideas, you undermine your position. 

To be effective, we have to recognize any self-imposed limitations and deal with them, because the impression you create determines the course of the negotiation, and how much give and take there will be over the issues. You have to be prepared to block any attempts to undermine your credibility. And this requires strategic thinking so that you do not settle for less than you deserve.

We have to work together, not against each other. And knowing that the hidden agendas tend to be the real agendas, we have to encourage them to talk about them so that the conflict is no longer simmering below the surface, being only partially resolved. 

It’s about building relationships, but not creating superficial harmony. It’s not a matter of satisfying their interests at the cost of your own, because it’s not a zero sum game. They need to know that they can’t hold out for a solution that works only for them. And they need to be taking you and your interest seriously. They may choose not to, but we have to give them the chance at least. 

So there are key strategies and tactics and things that we need to remember:  It’s not you against them. Don’t get emotional or take their tactics personally. Reframe an attack on you as an attack on the problem, so that you don’t lash out or respond in kind. And don’t respond to an assault by attacking their position. Instead, look behind it for their interest by asking questions, because asking questions allows you to gain insight into how the other party sees the problem and helps you understand their underlying interests. 

Try and understand their pressures. Ask questions that may reveal the real reason for their behavior and to figure out why they’re being difficult. 

Be prepared by determining what to do before any situation occurs. Stick to your strategy. Don’t lose focus. And don’t give in to the hard ball negotiator’s demands. Take a time out if you need to, to analyze the situation. 

Always acknowledge their concerns. Give them the benefit of the doubt by seeing their actions as genuine attempts to address the basic concerns of both sides. Provide an opportunity for them to save face, always. 

Don’t defend your ideas, but rather invite criticism and advice. Direct their attention toward improving the options on the table and discuss hypothetically, what would happen if their position was accepted. 

And as I said before, use questions instead of statements. And remember, silence is one of your best weapons. So use it. When you ask questions, pause. Don’t let them off the hook by continuing to talk. Some of the most effective negotiating you will ever do is when you’re not talking. 

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Negotiating Strategies and Tactics at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode five. 

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch. I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com. And if you liked the show, please tell a friend, subscribe, rate, and review. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thank you for joining me.