Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success Podcast, episode twenty-nine. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

Everything is a negotiation and persuasion is as much an art as it is a science. In today’s world, we have to be able to deal with real people, in real settings. That requires well-refined social skills. It’s a process that underlies all meaningful social communication. 

In this episode, we’ll discuss how there is a great deal of artistry involved in persuasion and how it’s not purely a mechanical process. To be honest, I find it fascinating to watch when it’s done well. 

Working with people requires you to be on your toes at all times. You have to live by your wits. I’m sure it won’t surprise you that persuasion is most effective when we don’t realize we’re being persuaded. It will serve you well in the long run to learn the art of persuasion. 

We’re all in the business of people. And persuasion is defined as the psychological dynamics that cause people to be changed in ways they wouldn’t have, if left alone. It is a psychological component. It’s knowing both how to use it and how to resist it. 

I’d have to say that this is an essential life skill. It’s more of a question of how, and for what purpose it is used, not whether it’s used. We tend to forget how vulnerable we are. Some of us are more resistant, less gullible, and less susceptible to conformity. Sometimes that has more to do with our innate personality traits or perhaps our life experience. But whether you’re persuaded may simply depend on who and what you’re matched against. 

We all rely on the art of persuasion in everyday life, in all our daily interactions. Persuasion is the essence of making friends, motivating performance, fighting for what you believe in, achieving your goals, and being successful at parenting, as well as teaching. Persuasion is the fabric of social communication so having the ability to persuade both ourselves and others becomes one of the most indispensable of social skills. We all have to convince and persuade in order to change people’s minds. 

There are three key characteristics related to persuasiveness: 

1. authority
2. honesty
3. likability

They all lead to trustworthiness. When all three are present, we’re more willing to agree to someone’s request, and sometimes we’re even willing to do so without considering all the facts.

So back to authority. Authority signifies status, power, and expertise. In general, we’ve all been taught to have a level of respect for authority. Many of us assume that the authority of their position gives them special access to information and power, so we tend to be more willing to defer to authorities, which then becomes a shortcut to sound decision making. 

You might be surprised to learn that looking like an authority can have more impact than actually having any real authority. We are perceived as more credible when making eye contact and speaking with confidence, no matter what we’re saying. Decisive, swift talkers may not be any more sure of their facts than their more hesitant counterparts, but it creates the impression of confidence. And therefore, they are perceived to be more intelligent, knowledgeable, and seen as more of an expert. 

Decisive speaking styles are perceived as more masculine stereotype, while softer, hesitant, more qualified deliveries tend to be perceived as a more feminine stereotype. But who’s to know whether anyone’s authority is legitimate. I’m sure we’ve all come across those who are book smart, but don’t appear to have a clue how life outside the classroom actually operates. So don’t confuse expertise in one domain with general expertise. 

And number two, honesty. When we think of honesty, we tend to be very binary. Either they can be trusted or they can’t. We tend to think it’s an unwavering personality predisposition that doesn’t vary with time or situation. But in truth, honesty is highly dependent on the circumstances. 

Once your reputation is established, it tends to take on a life of its own, especially negative reputations. And once you’re labeled as untrustworthy, good luck. That’s a hard one to shake. No matter how well meaning you are, your actions will be read as dishonest manipulation. So by presenting both sides of an argument, people tend to be perceived as less partial and more trustworthy because it gives the impression that you’re arguing against your self-interest.

By speaking confidently, you’re more likely to be perceived as more credible, but nonverbal cues are also important, like maintaining eye contact. And it’s the non-voluntary responses that can also convey meaning. So be aware when the behavioral cues don’t match what is being said. 

And number three, likability. We trust people we like more than any other single quality. So there’s something to be said for striving to master one important element of personal communication: to be likable. It can be a magic bullet. If an audience likes you, they may forgive just about anything. But if they don’t like you, it really doesn’t matter what you say or do, you’re not going to get any traction. 

It’s human nature to want to identify with someone. And we’re more likely to respect and trust people we like. I’m sure you’ve seen it for yourself. Who is it that makes you more willing to conform to their expectations or even obey their requests? Is it someone you like or someone you can’t stand? 

Beyond the characteristics of persuasiveness, there are more strategies that you can employ by dividing up your needs and asking for just one piece at a time, you’re more likely to have all of your requests approved, over time, when you’re patient enough. As much as we’d like to think we are immune, we are dangerously susceptible to carefully crafted sequences and slowly escalating commitments. 

We’re all experiencing information overload, so there’s a need to simplify. We get bogged down with unnecessary information, so we’re constantly discarding data. Only the most relevant information gets processed, so we screen out the details. We use our own frame of reference in an attempt to organize and understand what we’re trying to process, but that doesn’t always work well. 

We’re all in this together. So when you’re wanting to sway someone in your favor, lay out your case patiently, in small increments. Involve their active participation whenever possible. Remember that any idea that is sufficiently different from their current worldview will feel threatening. The best place to ponder a threatening idea is in a safe environment. So that’s what we need to create. Then, do your best to have them arrive at the desired conclusion on their own. They will be more committed to it when they claim the idea as their own. 

It’s about creating the illusion of choice. Persuasion needs to propel people from the inside. It’s a simple process, but not easily achieved. So move gradually and apply the least amount of force necessary. Try to remain invisible, if you can. You’ll know when you’re doing it well, because their mind will take over from there and do your work for you. 

You may have noticed in conversation and especially in the workplace, people have to carefully consider their status and appearance. They want to save face and avoid looking stupid. Even when people are confronted with an uncomfortable set of facts, they have the tendency to double down on their current position rather than publicly admitting to being wrong. That can feel like an attack on a person’s identity, to be avoided at all costs. 

It’s more a matter of slipping the seed of an idea into a person’s brain and letting it grow on its own. People want to feel that they are in control of what they do or don’t do. So a good phrase to keep is, “if you so choose”. Put together your reasons why, then propose it as a question. And if they choose to move forward with this, you’ll then see it. Some see this as exploitation and some see it as education, but all social interaction is persuasion. 

All persuasion is manipulative, to some extent. No one wants to feel like they’ve been exploited or taken advantage of. So we need to learn which persuasion to resist, which can be safely ignored, and which to embrace. It’s about recognizing the power of the situation and becoming sensitive to the environment that exists or has been created. The context matters. Learn to monitor how situations affect you, how they make you feel. 

The people who are most likely to change our minds are the ones we agree with on nearly all topics. If someone you know, like, and trust believes a radical idea, you’re more likely to give it more consideration. But if someone wildly different from you proposes the same radical idea, it’s far easier to dismiss them completely. 

Because facts don’t change our minds, relationships do. 

Convincing someone to change their mind is really the process of convincing them to change their associations. It may seem overly dramatic, but really you’re asking people to abandon their beliefs. That feels risky because of the fear of losing social ties. You can’t expect someone to change their mind if they feel that they are going to risk losing their community, too. 

You have to give them somewhere to go. Nobody wants their worldview torn apart if the outcome requires them to stand alone. We are hardwired to want to belong. It’s human nature. The way to persuade people to change their minds is to become friends with them, to integrate them into your community, to bring them into your circle of influence. Then they can change their beliefs without the fear of feeling socially abandoned. 

Because, as I said, facts don’t change our minds. Instead of changing our stance on an issue, we’d much rather prove to you that we are right, and there’s no need for us to change our perspective on anything. We are all aware that you can spin the facts in a different way to say something else entirely. 

Many people can argue almost anything because they’re able to see so many sides to an issue. Sometimes this will open your mind, while at the same time, draining your willpower to resist, as they bring up points and counterpoints to every argument you put forward. The reality is very few things are black and white. There are always more perspectives to consider. Sometimes, it’s more about exploring alternatives and playing with ideas than it is about winning an argument. 

See it as an opportunity to mentally challenge yourself for the pure entertainment of it. But that leaves some of us feeling more confused than when we started. Some of us want to question the rules and test the boundaries, to see if there’s actually a rational reason for that rule being there in the first place. We can see many options for everything and can easily play both sides of an issue. 

Some of us are less likely to be convinced of something based on emotions or authority and are more convinced based on the “if this then that” logic. Many of us have no patience for anyone who is pushy, domineering, or clearly manipulative. We’re busy trying to figure out everyone’s core motives and intentions. So arguments that matter to most people are the ones that appeal to their core values, or will have a direct impact on them personally. 

So get to the point by focusing on what’s real and provable. Don’t spend too much time theorizing, extrapolating, beating around the bush, or sugarcoating things. Stay calm, show respect, and be far more literal than you would think would be necessary. 

Sometimes you might need to break down an argument in your own mind first, and point at the logical fallacies and inaccuracies to yourself. But be careful about pointing out someone else’s ulterior motives or ways they are being manipulative. You never know what’s going on behind the scenes. 

Sometimes you need to be aware of the underlying issues at play in a conflict, and how those issues will impact the future, and create any long-term effects. Some of us like to think through our arguments alone, before entering into a debate, but we should also be focusing on the emotional impacts of our words. Most of us will avoid an argument unless it affects something that is deeply important to us, because most of us don’t usually enjoy a debate and can feel overwhelmed in the face of heated emotions. 

It’s important to figure out what works in your organization. Look closely at both successful people and those who miss the mark. Do people offer ideas with tentative disclaimers or make bold declarations of how things need to be done? Do powerful people direct their staff or prefer to influence from the sidelines? Are rising stars the rule breakers or the quiet respondents? 

Observe those around you. You don’t have to have good management to learn something. Does management offer a model for a style of communication that is most likely to succeed, or are they more of a model of what doesn’t work? 

While you contemplate your own path to power, look at those who aren’t succeeding. This will tell you a lot about what is prized or unwelcome in your world of work. Are arguments tolerated? And to what degree? Are questions the style? Or is assertion more of what is expected? How do people offer new ideas? How do they offer opposing ideas or disagreement? How much and what type of evidence is needed to persuade? And what responses does each style elicit? 

Do your best to read people to get a sense of how they respond. What facial expressions are seen around the table when someone comes on strong with an idea? Whose words prompt the “let’s move on”? Who gets heard? Who has their ideas supported or passed over? And who gets their ideas chosen for further consideration? 

Spend time in meetings listening to what is said, while also listening to their communication style. Watch the facial expressions. And ask questions after a meeting. What do you think was the most useful part of that meeting? Discover what was heard and what was remembered. You may be surprised to learn that most people remember what they said in a meeting or conversation, and very little of anything else that was said. 

Observe who is succeeding, who gets listened to, and carefully look at the upper ranks of your company to determine a pattern of who’s likely to advance. Study the group, not a single individual at the top. You’re looking for patterns. You can’t generally reproduce circumstances of extraordinary success, but you can look for role models for general encouragement of what to replicate. 

Pay close attention to those who aren’t heard. Failures can be just as interesting and more instructive. Those who leave or get fired offer the best lessons about styles that don’t succeed in your organization.

But it’s about finding your own style. Experiment with the successful strategies you observe. Test the feasibility of that new behavior, or speech tactic. Start by experimenting in a small friendly environment. Gauge both your comfort level and the response you get from others. Spend the time to fine tune it and make it more natural, and more your own. 

It’s important to possess a multitude of language styles and drawing from your toolkit, depending on the situation. Learn to adapt in every conversation according to what you hear and their reactions you observe. Listen, gather information, and modify your style of communication. You may not want to mimic everyone, so find someone whose style fits better and feels more comfortable to you. 

The way people talk can be as individual as a fingerprint. After observation, reflection, and some experimentation, integrate your new strategies into your daily work situation. Reflect on what you tried and decide what works for you and what doesn’t.

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide for Getting What You Want at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode twenty-nine.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch. I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com. And if you liked the show, please tell a friend, subscribe, rate, and review. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thank you for joining me.