Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode twelve. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

In a world where fear tends to rule our lives, we get used to cowering because we fear the fear. If you let it, fear will keep you from standing up for yourself and others when you feel you should. Fear will keep you from saying the thing that needs to be said, and fear will talk you out of doing those things that matter, if you let it. 

In this episode, we will acknowledge that fear is real and can be a powerful emotion. We can learn to handle it, to manage it, so it doesn’t overtake us. We can make choices to move past our doubts while knowing that it might not work out the way we’d like, and that’s okay, because we can handle whatever life throws at us. 

Fear is real. It’s primitive and innate. It’s a natural emotion. I think we can all point to a pivotal moment when we have let our fear be the main driver of what action we took or didn’t take, and letting fear be the main decision factor.

I want to be the type of person who overcomes my doubts. I have definitely been one who has let fear dictate my decisions at times. My journey to where I am today was longer than it could have been because I let fear stop me from claiming my power for a long time, until I made the decision to push past those scary moments. And then I started seeing my life move forward.

We’re all fighting battles with the systems in our workplaces, and even ourselves. It’s easier to keep doing what feels comfortable, what’s safe, but we might look up one day and realize that we’ve missed out by sticking with what’s comfortable and familiar rather than embracing the discomfort and facing our fears. 

Comfort is overrated. Being quiet is comfortable. And for many, keeping things the way they’ve always been is also comfortable. But all comfort does is maintain the status quo. It doesn’t change you or anything else for that matter. Living comfortable lives that don’t serve us, forces us to shrink. Our fear and other people’s insecurities layer on top of each other. 

I get it. The world is scary. Bad things happen sometimes. And we lead our lives with so much fear. We’re so busy bracing for what might happen that we stay stuck, too afraid to move. 

Friends and family have their own fears. And while they may mean well, they just reinforce our own apprehension, solidifying our fears. And then we live lives where we are minimally afraid because we’ve covered ourselves in bubble wrap and aren’t taking any risks. But that life is boring. It’s average. And is mired in mediocrity. 

I’m not fearless. No one is, but that’s not the goal. I learned to start pushing past the fear because I’ve realized that the fear itself is scarier than whatever is on the other side. So close your eyes and run through that dark hallway. Trust that it will be okay. Maybe then you’ll be able to look back and say, “That wasn’t all that bad”.

Here are four tips for embracing your fear. 

1. get on with it
2. show some compassion
3. question yourself
4. what can I learn from this? 

So getting back to tip number one. Get on with it. There’s a certain freedom in facing your fear. We owe it to ourselves, not to let it keep holding us back. Also, we owe it to the people who look up to us, surround us, and care about us. 

The world isn’t going to get less scary, so we need to get braver. Acknowledge the fear you’re feeling, expect it, and get on with it. We must keep doing things that scare us, so make it a habit to do something that scares you every single day. 

What will move us forward is often not what is easy. Start forgiving yourself for not having the courage to do something you wished you had in the past, for not speaking up in moments that might’ve called for it, when you should have stood up for yourself or someone else in the face of blatant bias or discrimination. I think we’ve all been there. Unintentionally becoming part of the problem by sitting back and letting it happen because we’re scared.

Forgive yourself for the mistakes you’ve made that now seem completely avoidable. You did your best with the information you had at the time. As Maya Angelou said, “Do the best you can until you know better, then when you know better, do better”. 

Everyone who has done impressive things has started out with just one step, followed by another, and another. It’s not like it happened all at once. It gives you time to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. And in case you need any more encouragement to be, or to say, or to do the things that matter most, the best things might just be waiting for you on the other side of fear. 

We must do those big things that we are so afraid of doing, even if we do them poorly. Ask for that raise or promotion. Offer to do that presentation. Be the project manager. Do all the things, if that’s what you’re compelled to do. That thing you keep thinking about but you keep stopping because you’re afraid. Do that thing. 

Move through the world boldly, confident that your trust in yourself and your ability to handle anything is bigger than any fear. When fear tries to stop me, I have to conquer my self-doubt. I have to dare myself to live boldly. So be brave when you’re feeling fear. 

Fear serves a purpose to keep us from endangering ourselves. It’s self-preservation and it’s necessary for our survival. Now compare that dread with the uneasiness you get when you have to speak up in a meeting, or the jitters you get when you have to have a difficult conversation, or the worry you have because you don’t want to dream too big because of the potential for disappointment. Those fears now seem kind of trivial next to a real threat to our survival. Not to be too dramatic, but we don’t exactly face life and death situations on a daily basis in our very comfortable lives. 

Tip number two, show compassion. Learn to be kinder and more generous to each other. Give each other a bit more grace, especially to ourselves. Everyone’s problem is our problem too. When you see people being discriminated against and we keep quiet and think it has nothing to do with us, we’re way off base. Do you not think you’re next? Remember that if something bad happens to someone else, it could just as easily happen to you.

Tip number three, question yourself. Worry is a part of life. The goal is that we don’t let the doubt defeat us before we even try. We can be scared, but move forward anyway. That’s what matters. 

I’m afraid a lot of the time. Fear is here. It’s present. It’s not going away. So expect it. Get comfortable with that discomfort. I acknowledge that I feel this way, that it’s scary and uncomfortable, and I’ve got to move forward anyway. 

The goal isn’t to not feel negative emotions. Or, more simply said, without the double negative, the goal isn’t to be happy all the time. Our brains are actually hardwired to return to a perpetual state of discontent. It’s more important that we don’t let the negative emotions consume us. We’re not going to fall into an abyss, never to return, if we allow ourselves to feel our fear. It passes surprisingly quickly when we actually allow ourselves to feel it. 

Fear is there and it’s natural. Worrying doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you’re human. It will always be present. Yet, we must still keep going. We can’t afford to let fear, big or small, legitimate or contrived, numb us. We have to work through it. Work to it. Work from it. 

Fear will always be a part of our lives, in one form or another. And the concepts and tools that we learn are meant to be used for a lifetime, so learn them well. With every new challenge, reach into your toolbox, to move yourself from the weakest to the strongest part of who you are. There is incredible power you hold inside. 

Tip number four, what can I learn from this? If life has taught us anything, it’s that it’s full of uncertainty. That’s some scary stuff happening in the world. The only thing certain right now is that nothing is certain. The unknown is anxiety provoking, and it’s easy to give into anxiety. 

But times of crisis and chaos present us with the opportunity to do the best work of our lives. People innovate. How does that saying go? “Necessity is the mother of invention”. When the need for something becomes imperative, we’re forced to find creative ways of getting it done. 

We must keep doing that, even when we’re not in a state of crisis. When we’re in uncharted waters, ask, “What can we learn from this? What is this experience trying to teach you? How are you supposed to change because of it?”. Crisis moments call for us to elevate who we are, to change and grow, to mature and evolve. If we do not, we’re going to keep getting the same expensive and heart-wrenching lessons over and over. We need to ask ourselves, “What should we be learning from all of this?”. 

So, feel the fear and do it anyway. You have the insight and tools at your disposal to vastly improve your ability to handle any given situation. To move from a place of pain, paralysis, or depression, to one of power, energy and excitement. 

Sometimes I feel like I’m being run by fear. I have been hanging on to many things in my life for far too long that were clearly not working for me. That non-stop little voice inside my head telling me: I’d better not change my situation, there’s nothing else out there for me, I’d never make it on my own, and it’s all the same, no matter where I go. I had convinced myself that even if I made a change, all I’d find would be the same crap, just a different pile, so I might as well stay where the landscape was familiar, and I knew all the players. While it wasn’t perfect, and far from it, it was predictable. Don’t take a chance. You might make a mistake. It might be worse. I’m not sure that was possible at times, but that’s how my brain works. 

I think we’re all familiar with the inner voice of doom and gloom. We need to try to drown it out with a new voice of strength, of hope, and joy. I knew I didn’t want to let fear get the best of me. I had to find a way to rid myself of my cynicism and negativity. I had to unlearn the thinking that was keeping me a prisoner of my own insecurities. I needed to see the world as less threatening, less out to get me, and see myself as someone who had control over what was happening, and not so much as a helpless, powerless victim.

We all experience fear. Whenever we take a chance and enter unfamiliar territory, we’re putting ourselves into the world in a new way. Reframe this fear as part of the process to keep us moving forward. The trick is to feel the fear and keep going. 

Explore the barriers that keep us from experiencing life the way we want to live it. We play small and limit ourselves by choosing the path that is more comfortable. So identify your excuses for staying stuck. Develop techniques for making the most of what you want next in life. 

It’s amazing at how shifting our thinking magically can reshape our lives. If wherever you are in life at this moment, isn’t exactly the place you want to be, make a change. Even a small one now will lead to a dramatic result over time, if you keep at it. 

Are you ready to start taking charge of your life? Change isn’t easy. It takes courage to create the life the way you want it to be. There are all sorts of real and imagined obstacles that get in the way, but they don’t have to be roadblocks. 

Unravel the complexities of your fears to be able to deal with them. You might be surprised and pleased with the amount of satisfaction that comes as you take each little step forward. What are you afraid of? And why? Realize that you’re not the only one in the world feeling afraid. 

It takes courage to open up and share your feelings. There’s a sense of relief that you’re not the only one feeling like this. It’s much more common than you think yet. We all pretend it’s not happening to us. Fear is keeping us from experiencing life the way we want to experience it. 

Fear can be broken down into four levels. 

Level one is the fear of what could or will happen. These are the things we don’t have much control over, like aging, or retirement, being alone, children leaving home, natural disasters, loss of financial security, change, dying, war, illness, losing a loved one, and accidents. 

Level two is the fear of making the wrong decision. These are the things we do have control over, they are our actions or inactions. Maybe it’s going back to school, changing careers, making friends, ending or beginning a relationship, going to the doctor, asserting yourself, being interviewed, driving, public speaking, or maybe it’s just making a mistake.

Level three is fear of how we’ll feel. We have a desire to protect ourselves, but we’re really just limiting ourselves. We fear the feeling of rejection. We fear responsibilities of success, the fear of failure, being vulnerable, being conned, helplessness, and maybe disapproval. 

And level four is fear that we’re unable to handle whatever life brings, be that events, or outcomes, or feelings. If you knew you could handle anything that came your way, would you have anything to fear? That doesn’t sound like good news, but it is. It means you can handle all your fears without having to control anything in the outside world. That should bring tremendous relief as you let that sink in. We no longer have to control what anyone else does, or what’s happening around us. 

In order to diminish our fears, we must develop more trust in our ability to handle whatever comes our way. Every time we feel afraid, we need to remind ourselves that it’s simply that we are not feeling good enough about ourselves. Then focus on building up our confidence, to be brave. It’s there inside us, just waiting to be uncovered. 

The task is then clearly mapped out for us. There’s no reason for confusion. We may not be sure why we have so little trust in ourselves. Some fear is instinctual and healthy and it keeps us alert to trouble. But the rest of the fear holds us back from personal growth and it’s destructive. It can perhaps be blamed on our conditioning, but it doesn’t really matter where the fear comes from. 

It’s not worth analyzing the why’s or wherefores. It’s often impossible to figure out the actual causes of negative patterns. Even if we did know, knowing doesn’t necessarily change them. If something is troubling you, simply start from where you are, and take the action necessary to change it. 

Just because you’ve given into the fear in the past, doesn’t mean you can’t choose differently this time. A lack of trust in yourself is stopping you from getting what you want out of life. So build up that trust that you can figure it out. You can handle it. You are stronger and more resilient than you think. 

Decide what needs to be changed. Focus your energy to develop your trust in yourself, that whatever happens to you, given any situation, you can handle it. Knowing that will increase your self-confidence. Then, believing that, ultimately, you’ll begin to realize that you can handle anything that comes your way.

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Overcoming Your Fear at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode twelve.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch. I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com. And if you liked the show, please tell a friend, subscribe, rate, and review. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thanks for joining me.