Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode nine. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

In any organization, it’s important to figure out what it takes to succeed. Sometimes that requires conforming to that ideal employee prototype, but at what cost? Are you spending more time trying to keep up rather than focusing on getting ahead? 

In this episode, we’ll explore how we share responsibility for how we’re treated and why worrying about what people think of us is energy that could be better spent elsewhere. Let them be wrong about you. Can you do that? 

When we start a job, it takes a few months to learn the acceptable behaviors, the team norms, and the routine practices, the organization values. It’s all part of the regular socialization process. And this continues throughout our careers, but it tends to be most important when we’re the newcomers. 

So we seek clues for how to fit in by watching the leaders. What does it take to succeed? Who gets rewarded and for what? What do employees need to do to fit in or get noticed? Who gets promoted? And how do leaders themselves behave, because leaders represent the behaviors that become the norms or standards that employees are expected to mirror if they want to be included. And conformity earns you social capital, which is key to being included and accepted at work.

Social capital gives you access to insider information and advice that can aid in your career advancement. If you’re looking closely, you may have noticed that people in positions of power tend to look and behave in similar ways. It allows people to bond and then support each other at work. 

Informal social groups at work often exclude women and racial minorities. And even if the women break into these informal groups, they’re unlikely to be accepted in the same way men are. But to be fair, men are often unaware of what they’re doing. And they’re quick to deny knowledge of the impact it creates. 

The ideal employee is commonly described as someone who works long hours, makes the organization their top priority, asks for what they want, competes to get ahead, is generally extroverted, and has no dependent care responsibilities. So you can see how this makes it hard for most people to fit into that ideal, especially women with families. And if women do, they might be perceived as competent, but not likable. 

Women have a very narrow range of behaviors that we can engage in, if we want to be accepted at work. And it’s not enough just to be good at our jobs, we need to display our leadership capability and competence in a way that conforms to gender stereotypes. That means doing our jobs well while ensuring that we are coming across as warm, friendly, kind, modest, sympathetic, and pleasant. That’s a long list even for the most dedicated employee. And apparently we aren’t given the luxury of having a bad day. 

Women can’t take on male behaviors, like being dominant, outspoken, having strong opinions, or being assertive. And yet, according to those performance reviews we keep getting, those are exactly the characteristics we need to exhibit in order to demonstrate our ability to lead. 

So if we are to follow all the advice we have to be assertive but pleasant, outspoken but warm, and successful but not self-promoting. Sounds to me like we have to conform to an impossible standard. It also sounds like it’s an attempt to make everyone conform to that ideal where we have to work around, manage, or hide our differences to fit in and ultimately succeed. And be careful, because hiding yourself to live up to the masculine ideal is how women start to lose themselves.

We tend to think the solution is to change ourselves, our behavior to fit in, and feel safe at work. But why is it that we’re the only ones finding it necessary to change? Why is no one asking or demanding that subtle, and not so subtle, harassment stop? We face tremendous pressure to tolerate sexist jokes, inappropriate behavior, discriminatory comments, and office banter for fear of being perceived as difficult, or excluded altogether. 

Women who succeed are required to deny so many aspects of themselves because of all the ways it makes us different. From what I’ve gathered, the ideal successful professional woman is single-minded, tough, autonomous, and willing to distance herself from traditional femininity and domestic duties. When women deny the important aspects of their identity, we’re also denying our experiences of inequality, and that makes it impossible to tackle them.

I’ve observed so many women trying to bridge the gender divide with male colleagues by trying to transform themselves to talk and act and dress like the men they work with. And yet we’re still treated differently because we are different. And then we start to believe that this difference is a bad thing. By trying to fit in, to survive at work, we lose parts of ourselves.

We face tremendous pressure to perform and prove our worth in an attempt to bridge this difference. And it seems like the most we can hope for is to survive in our workplace. And at some point, we lose the drive to continually prove ourselves, over and over again. We just don’t have any more to give. And we’re waiting for that strong commitment from the top to create change, and hoping that there will be a clear signal from those in power that the men are not the only employees who matter.

But we share responsibility in this. We are responsible for how we’re treated because we get more of what we tolerate. We need to play the game, and we need to learn to beat them at their own game. Because it is a game, a game of influence. And much of what happens to us that bothers us can be managed with the use of advanced political strategies, managing people’s perceptions, and arranging more favorable conditions. 

So let’s tackle the advanced political strategies first. We need to frame ideas in appealing ways before promoting them. And get to know the people who can be helpful in particular contexts, and meet with influential people before taking an important action, because rushing to fix what you see as a problem in the organization, rarely gets what we’re after. And doing the advance work is critical before taking risks, before you try to make a change in the system, or correct misconceptions. You can’t try to fix something they don’t see as broken. 

So we have to establish the problem first. And that’s imperative when resistance is likely, with someone whose intentions are suspect, or when past incidents may interfere with progress. We have to learn who stands to gain and who stands to lose if you get your way, and how they think, and what matters to them. Try to find someone of influence who understands that there is a problem and try your solution on them first. Float ideas by mentioning it, or a portion of it, and see how they respond. Once they acknowledge the problem you’re facing, they might be more willing to help you fix it. 

And the second aspect is managing people’s perceptions. Stop thinking, how should I tell them this? Or what should I do to make them do this? And consider instead how you might let them convince themselves. We have a political responsibility to ourselves to not allow any detrimental perceptions to take on life. We must respond in a way that sets people straight, without lowering ourselves to their level. Sometimes you need to take the high road because relationships are more important than being right, so suck it up. 

It’s important to manage others’ impressions of you to advance your agenda by establishing a sound track record, by creating positive impressions to ensure that key people find you interesting and approachable, by building your social capital and making deposits by doing favors for others when they need your help, by not talking about anyone in a negative light, or lying, for whatever reason, by making strategic visits to senior people, peers and support staff, where you mention your accomplishments and let them know what you can do for them, and by not being too timid or ill-prepared. But don’t be too aggressive either. We have to walk that fine line. And then start over every day. Detach yourself from decisions that don’t go your way. They’re just business decisions, so let them go and move on. 

And the third element, arranging more favorable conditions. It’s vital to have the right plan and have the right people in support of it. So anticipate and prepare to deal with obstacles and difficult people. They are key to how we do our work. Don’t rely on scripts to respond to difficult situations because they’re often inadequate because human interactions are dynamic.

But there are ways to help manage perceptions and your career. Be cooperative, but not a doormat so people don’t take advantage of you. Don’t be predictable, veer from expected behavior, and think on your feet. Develop both offensive and defensive strategies and tactics to position and defend your ideas. Dismantle obstacles before decisions are made to smooth the path and position yourself to be in the right place at the right time. Form alliances and cultivate mentors, because we all need support from experienced advisers. And make allies out of potential enemies. Trust your intuition to identify the likely actions of aggressors and develop insightful strategies to deal with them. 

And most importantly, let them be wrong about you. We tend to be very concerned about what other people think of us. We think how devastating it would be if we discovered that we were completely misunderstood and labeled incorrectly. We make this feel debilitating and it becomes all consuming, but it’s completely unnecessary. 

If you find yourself worrying about what other people think of you, here’s a plan to let go of that mental torture and adopt a more empowering and freeing perspective. I’m going to give you four steps to stop worrying about what other people think of you. 

The first step is awareness. So notice when the worry sets in, identify and understand why you care. Chances are, you don’t worry about what everyone thinks of you all the time. So what’s going on in the times you begin to obsess over someone else’s opinion of you? Who are the people who trigger the worry? What power do they have over you? And is it real? What makes what other people think of you so important? 

Being aware of when you worry and over whom, you can start to see the impact it has on your peace of mind and your ability to focus. Chances are if other people’s opinion of you causes you to worry, you have a tendency to people-please. Being liked and favored has likely been a winning formula for you in the past. 

Understanding why you care will allow you to investigate if this is a formula you want to continue to employ. And to what degree there are advantages to having someone’s high regard. But if it doesn’t come naturally by just being you, you’re also paying a high price for their esteem, which will lead you to shuffling issues under the carpet and tolerating things that don’t work for you. So make a choice rather than falling into the same old patterns that may no longer serve you. 

The second step is recognizing that people have opinions. Worry is a response to feeling out of control. The reality is you cannot control what another person thinks of you. There are too many variables at play. They’re going to view and assess you through the filter of their prior experiences. Be aware of this and accept it. Knowing that the more time they spend with you, the more opportunities there will be for them to change their mind. And if they don’t spend more time with you, why do you care about their opinion anyway? It’s none of your business what other people think of you. That’s their business, not yours. 

Be more concerned with how they treat you. If you’re treated professionally and appropriately, then any negative opinion, again, it’s none of your business. And if you’re not treated well, then it is your responsibility to address that. 

The third step is to be yourself. Direct your energy to positive things. People can sense when it’s important to you to be liked. It makes you appear to be trying too hard, insincere, and needy, which then works against your goal to have good relationships. So take the pressure off and focus on things that you’re interested in and that bring you joy, or that come naturally to you. 

That will not only distract you from your worry, which is a waste of time and energy, but it will also start to attract people to you who are interested in what you’re interested in. And when you’re surrounded by people who share your interests and values, you can let your guard down and enjoy the time you spend with them. Being your natural self becomes easy and effortless. And as a bonus, you’ll become less concerned about what other people think of you. 

And the fourth step is to practice acceptance. Worrying about what other people think of us and people-pleasing stems from a notion that we are not as worthy as another person. We think that our needs and wants are not as important as theirs. This perspective is the root of the problem, but it’s just a perspective and it can be changed. 

So start your day recognizing that you are equal to every other person on this planet. There was no one above you, or below you. We all have different roles, but that does not mean anyone is more valuable as a human being. Then come up with statements that affirm this truth, such as: I have every right to be in this room, I have experience and a perspective that no one else has. 

And live a life that pleases you. When you worry about what other people think of you, your life becomes about their opinion, and you will start to live in a way that is out of alignment with the real you. And that creates tremendous stress and will impact your relationships, your health, and your peace of mind. So worry about your opinion of yourself. Can you hold yourself in higher esteem? And what is the life you want to be living and that will bring you the most joy? 

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be liked or wanting to be held in high regard, because building relationships and forming partnerships are essential to your success. But stay true to your values and do your own thing. You don’t need to be concerned with the few people who just don’t get you.

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Stop Worrying About What Other People Think of You at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode nine. 

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch. I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com. And if you liked the show, please tell a friend, subscribe, rate, and review. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thank you for joining me.