Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode twenty-four. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

Talking about money tends to draw criticism. But as a young engineer, I wish someone had explained a few things to me early on. Many of today’s lessons I had to learn the hard way, by first being taken advantage of, and realizing how I could have protected myself better. 

In today’s episode, we’re going to focus on knowing your value and the importance of asking for what you deserve and not settling for less. Women are definitely discouraged from putting too much emphasis on money, and we are far more likely to sacrifice what we want for the needs of others. But in a world where status gets so much attention, it’s important for your own wellbeing to ensure that you’re being compensated in accordance with the value you are providing. 

It’s all about getting paid appropriately. We fear being considered greedy. We’ve been told that money is a taboo topic, so we hesitate to talk about the thing that often dictates the quality of our lives. Women are especially discouraged from caring too much about money. 

We’re supposed to be constantly service-minded. We worry what people will think if we care a lot about money or talk too much about it, while too much is completely subjective. We’re told that our goodness in this world is directly tied to how much we sacrifice for other people. But did you know that the pressure to sacrifice anything is only placed on women?

We’ve been told that people do us a favor by wanting to hire us. We’ve received the message that we are less significant and more disposable. We’ve internalized it all. But enough already. After years of being deceived left and right, underpaid, overworked, and underappreciated, some of us have lost the desire to fight anymore. 

So now we’re afraid to talk about money at all. We’re afraid of admitting that we want more of it. We’re afraid of insisting that people give us what we deserve because we’ve been told that we’ll lose out on opportunities. But newsflash, the very thing that we think will make opportunities disappear, is what’s keeping them out of reach. 

I’m simply inviting you to consider asking for the money you deserve. What happens after we ask is out of our control. We might ask for more money and they still tell us no. But it’s important for us to ask so we have the chance to get it. Not asking is a guaranteed no. We need to increase our chances of getting something more. 

When we ask for more money, we may be challenging the system a little, but we’re certainly not trying to fix everything. We simply may be putting ourselves a little bit closer to something that resembles parody. If we don’t do it for ourselves, who’s going to do it for us? We’d like to think that people would go out of their way to ensure justice and equality, but it’s not how it goes. It falls to us. 

We have to roll massive boulders uphill because we don’t have any other choice. So ask for what you deserve and do it without guilt. And never accept your first offer. 

When you go for a job interview, I’m sure you have a salary number in mind, then you get offered less and you immediately accept because who are you to be greedy? You didn’t negotiate at all. I know, because that was me. Now I know that there was always more money on the table. It doesn’t matter how good the offer is, always ask for more. Period. 

Here are five reasons to always negotiate your job offer. 

Nobody’s doing you a favor by hiring you. You’re being hired to do a job because you have the skill and they need you to do this job. 

Number two, you are supposed to negotiate. When you don’t, you are going against standard practice of business. You have the right to always ask for what you think you are worth. 

Number three, the first offer is not the best offer. That first number they bring you is never the highest number they are willing to pay to find the right person for the position. They might meet in the middle, but too many of us opt out because we’re afraid to ask for more. 

Number four, asking for more doesn’t mean that they will take back the employment offer. They aren’t going to not want you anymore, or be offended, or take everything off the table. Head hunting and hiring are expensive and time consuming for companies. They have found you, who they think is their perfect candidate, and they don’t want to go back to square one. They don’t want you to walk away because they need you.

And number five, they will respect you more. You have a part to play. They expect you to tell them that it isn’t enough and that you want more. So play your part and hold out for more, without conceding. 

The number we accept in the beginning of our careers can follow us for a long time. It will affect every other number you receive from that point forward with that company, because raises are generally percentage based. It costs us to hesitate and not go for more money. We need to negotiate. We need to stop leaving money on the table. 

We’ve been taught to take what is offered and that to ask for more is out of line. I have negotiated my way to numbers that now make me laugh from the discomfort I went through in doing it. But I got it, so that tells you something. 

If you didn’t negotiate well this time around, there’s always another chance, but it may mean switching companies. Sometimes the only way to reset your compensation to a more appropriate level is to leave and look for another opportunity, as long as you don’t let them anchor the new offer to what you are currently making. Know your value and do not accept less than you’re worth. People will give us the minimum that we accept. 

In that moment, when I was negotiating my new job offer, I realized I had to be the person who faced her fears head on. I had to show them that I believed in the value I brought to the table. I had to show up as the person with the experience and the know-how to get the job done. I was afraid of their reaction when I asked to be compensated fairly for the work I knew I would be expected to do in this new role. What I feared would happen, didn’t happen. Quite the opposite, actually. 

Sometimes really cool things happen. If I had never spoken up because of fear of repercussions, then the rewards might never have come. We are so afraid of asking for what we’re really worth because we fear people will think badly of us. People who want the skills and experience we have, have to get used to paying for it. 

There was a time when I accepted an offer of what I knew was less than my value, just to get my foot in the door and gain experience. But in the end, all I felt was cheated. I realized that I had been taken advantage of and I had let it happen. In that moment, I decided I didn’t want it to happen again. 

So tell yourself, I’m not asking for too much. My skillset is rare and valuable. And I’m asking for what I’m worth. 

There was a time when I was laughed at for dropping a number that I knew I deserved, but they thought was unreasonable. Little did they know that I was right. And when I moved on, I was able to get even considerably more than I had asked for. 

Getting compensated appropriately is important. You’re not gifting them with your work, with that thing you’ve put hours into mastering, that thing you are remarkably good at. That is the thing they are paying for. And they should pay every dime. Do not feel guilty. You have a right to demand what you’re worth. Just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean somebody should pay you less. Do not be afraid to insist on it. 

Sometimes you may need to be creative. If you are producing measurable results at work and you haven’t attempted or considered negotiating with your boss for something you want, you’re likely cheating yourself. 

But remember, there’s four steps to getting what you want at work:

1. do the legwork
2. think outside of your salary
3. be realistic
4. keep it professional

When preparing to negotiate your salary at work for a new job or your current position, always be fully informed. Talk to your trusted advisors and mentors. Read articles. Use the available tools to find out what others in your field with your level of experience are making. Take into account salary averages for both men and women. Write down specifics. 

When it comes to negotiating for your compensation, remember that salary isn’t the only option. Get bold and be creative. Ask for what you want to be able to do your best work. Consider the benefits, vacation time, flex time, training, and professional development, just to name a few. 

Maybe you’d like to shift your day two hours earlier. Maybe it’s the ability to work from home a few days a month to save on commuting costs, or save you from taking time off to be home for a service or delivery, or to run errands, or go to appointments. It used to be that we were told our jobs couldn’t be done remotely, until they had to be. Now, there is renewed pressure to have your butt in the office chair again, but many are willing to negotiate. 

Choose your requests wisely. Make sure they make sense for the culture of your organization and think logically. Asking for something unreasonable makes you look unprofessional and could do more harm than good. 

Keep all conversations within the context of your expertise and your past accomplishments. Don’t think you have to be humble, make excuses, or back down. Present all the reasons you deserve it. Don’t dance around what you’re asking for. Frame it as a win for them by presenting reasons that constitute more value from the company’s perspective. 

Use your accomplishments and present metrics and deliverables with pride. The more professional the conversation, the more likely your boss will be to accommodate you. But if you don’t ask, you definitely won’t receive. 

And consider what else you are afraid of. Most of the problems people have in negotiation are rooted in fear: fear of asking for too much, fear of losing the job offer, fear of looking pushy or difficult to work with. And these fears are valid. Women do tend to be seen as pushy and demanding for asking for what they want, because so many of us gratefully take what is offered, without even negotiating. 

You are going against the expected behavior of women. You are not conforming to the stereotype. Most women would rather be liked than be respected, and that makes it harder to shoulder these tough workplace negotiations. 

Being likable is critical for success for both genders and women are expected to be likable, so it does matter. But focusing solely on being liked can kill your confidence and it can cost you. It can interfere with wanting to employ more aggressive strategies that will get us ahead. 

Our need to be liked is costing us by not wanting to ask for more money. It starts with our first job and compounds as the years go by. Assuming you negotiate politely, no one should be offended or scared off by your negotiating. 

They may not be able to give you what you ask for, but they should welcome the conversation. They will either meet your terms, counter with something else that might work, or at least explain why they can’t do anything more than what they’ve already offered. 

It’s up to you whether to accept or not. You always have a choice. 

And negotiation is much like tennis. The job offer is the first volley over the net. You may choose to accept it, if the terms are good for you, but you can also hit it back over the net. Remember, the idea is to keep the ball in play, not smash it over their heads with a temper tantrum. 

Don’t be angry or sound judgemental in your responses. If you’re going to walk away, then simply say, I’m not available for this job. Making the employer feel embarrassed for low-balling you isn’t going to help anyone. 

If you do want to negotiate, keep your responses polite, even a bit encouraging. Leave room for them to make a counter offer. Think of it as a game, which can take some creative mental reframing when your emotions are involved. Really, you’re just testing the other side to see what they’ll do, so keep it professional. You’ll be surprised how much more ground you might be able to gain. 

And remember that words matter. They can have an impact. Words create a power image, whether it’s confidence or insecurity. The actual vocabulary used creates a favorable or unfavorable impression. 

Word choice can trigger someone to take you seriously or dismiss you completely. Saying something wrong, to the wrong person, and you may have a target on your back. Don’t give people the ammunition to sabotage you. 

Just as internal self-talk has remarkable influence on the way we see ourselves, external word choice influences others too. Weak vocabulary that’s tentative, or apologetic, or self discounting, or ambivalent, or vague, it detracts from your ideas. And it usually lowers the respect you get from others, especially those who are powerful and politically oriented. It opens the door for them to dismiss you for lack of confidence. 

Stronger vocabulary helps you manage impressions and strengthens your power image. But there’s a fine line between confident and becoming curt or gruff. Harsh vocabulary erodes rapport, shuts down negotiations, alienates you, and endangers your career. They want your ideas, but not shoved down their throats. 

Crossing the line can get your requests for a raise rejected and could also cost you a promotion. Those egos, in a position of power, receive a steady diet of accommodating language and may not be used to forthright language or opposing points of view. Don’t be threatening, opinionated, critical, blaming, or exaggerate in any way. 

Use firm language, neither weak nor harsh. Take the invitation approach or the conviction approach. 

The invitation approach is not weak but safer. It’s ask oriented manner shows respect by inviting consideration, like saying what if, or would it be possible, or one alternative we might explore, or I’d appreciate your ideas. 

While the conviction approach is not harsh, but conveys strength and self-assurance. It’s declarative. It’s stating your case in a bolder, tell-oriented manner such as, I recommend, or I strongly suggest, or my advice is, or based on my experience, or my point of view is.

And remember that we contribute to pay inequality. Women tend to be offered less than men, it’s true. Hiring managers want best employee for the least amount of money. And men tend to negotiate more aggressively than women. There certainly are external factors that support and maintain the gender wage gap. While change is required at the macro level, with society as a whole, we have a responsibility to negotiate a higher salary and benefits package for ourselves. 

Negotiation is a dynamic interaction. You can’t script the process, but there are a few best practices to employ. Don’t immediately accept what is offered. Don’t feel pressure to have to start negotiating right away. Tell them you need to think about it. Take the time to objectively, assess it and prepare for your negotiation. 

And don’t believe them when they say there is no room to negotiate, because if you don’t ask for more, you’re leaving money on the table. Know your worth based on your skillset, knowledge, credentials, and experience that you bring to the table. Know what you want. But more importantly, what do you have that they need? What is unique about you? 

We frequently discount our abilities and skills, and instead we focus on our needs. List all the ways that you can help them. They would not be interviewing you if they didn’t have an interest that you can satisfy. 

Be prepared for the question of what you are making now. They want to use it as an anchor for salary negotiations. Deflect and focus on understanding the expectations of the position being offered, your new responsibilities, and how the skills you bring are a great fit. 

Be sure to determine your walkaway amount in advance, and have other options. Since the more options you have, the more in demand you are going to be. And the more sought after, the more valuable people think you are. 

Establish your credibility by weaving it in naturally through the discussion. Women may assume you have the credentials, but men will not. We can be just as tough as men when it comes to staying firm on positions in negotiations. 

We just have to go about it in a gentler, more socially acceptable and friendlier way. Hold firm, while still being pleasant. You’ll have a better chance of success than with an aggressive, no nonsense approach.

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Know Your Value at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode twenty-four.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch. I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com. And if you liked the show, please tell a friend, subscribe, rate, and review. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thank you for joining me.