Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

What’s done is done. That sounds very final, but it’s true that the events of the past can’t be undone, as much as sometimes we’d like to be able to have some redo’s. We are who we are because of, and sometimes in spite of, the people we’ve encountered and the experiences we’ve had. But it’s not about looking back. It’s about looking forward. 

In this episode, we’re going to focus on who you are becoming and how to make better choices going forward to dramatically improve your life. 

The number one regret people have when they’re dying is, “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself and not the life others expected of me”. This is from the work of Bronnie Ware. Can you honestly say that you’re living a life that is true to yourself and not what others expect of you? 

We cling to the notion that the life we want is not possible. We tend to argue in favor of our limitations. Maybe we think that if we argue for our limitations, then we get to keep them. Those limitations are well-intentioned limiting beliefs. They’re trying to protect us from harm. But in order to live the life of our dreams, we need to get out of our comfort zone, and that takes courage. It requires being intentional and taking deliberate action, but not drifting along, hoping that you’ll get there. 

The comfort zone is no place for a person like you. Turn your attention to yourself. How am I getting in my own way? Another key consideration is the current level of chaos in your life. If you would describe your life as chaotic, you might want to change that. But is that chaos a cause or an effect? 

A chaotic life can come from having too many people, too much stuff, or maybe a result of having too little time. Become aware of how all of it impacts your daily experience of being alive. It’s not about establishing blame or fault because that’s not useful. It’s just data that you can use. 

You might be resisting the idea of creating a life that you want. You might find yourself thinking that’s not possible. Stop wasting your time worrying about whether it’s possible. It is. It’s whether you will let it be possible for you. 

Be willing to accept that possibility. It’s quite natural to feel resistance. Fear is always about the unknown. Until you get there, you’re going to find yourself questioning that possibility more than once. Feel the fear. And instead of pretending that it’s not there, actually feel it, then turn that fear into excitement. 

It can be very empowering to know that you’re in charge of how you feel as you go through life. Saying yes to the big dream is the hardest part. Free yourself from self-imposed limitations of your limiting beliefs that are keeping you from your ultimate success. 

It sometimes seems like each of us has an upper limit that determines how much success we will allow ourselves to enjoy. And when we exceed that setting, we will often do something to sabotage ourselves, causing us to drop back into the old familiar zone where we feel secure. 

This upper limit might have been programmed in early childhood. You might not even be conscious of it until now. It’s that feeling of guilt that keeps you from enjoying your new abundance. It forms a hidden barrier based on an old belief that has become entrenched.

Many of us believe that we’re flawed. We’re simply not good enough to deserve our dreams that we want to achieve. And certainly not destined for greatness. That’s for other people, not us. Chalk it up to bad luck or bad timing, but we always seem to be stuck on the verge of reaching our goals, but never quite getting there. It feels like it’s keeping us trapped. And then unconsciously, we do things to bring ourselves back down to that comfortable setting that we’re familiar with. 

Even when we achieve a new level, it can often be short-lived. It’s like we think we don’t deserve to experience abundance. And then we have this compulsion to sabotage ourselves. We tell ourselves that we can’t, so we don’t. 

The secret to experiencing those big breakthroughs, that would get us closer to the life we really want to live, is all in our thoughts. We have to eliminate those self-imposed upper limits that hold us back. Clear it out of our consciousness. It sounds simple, but it certainly isn’t easy in practice. 

Typical ways in which we hold ourselves back include worrying and criticism. Worry is not useful because it tends to be something that we have no control over, making it completely unnecessary and wasted energy. It’s not a sign that we’re thinking about something useful because it’s not something we can actually do something about, and it’s not leading us to taking positive action right away. 

We tend to worry about things going wrong in some way. And then we start justifying those worries with more worrying thoughts. We’re busily manufacturing scenarios of things falling apart and going wrong in some way. We are really good at developing these stories into our worst case scenarios, where we are headed toward imminent doom. 

It always amazes me how quickly I can go from a couple of insignificant worries, to a very elaborate and detailed doom scenario of the end of civilization. It really is a talent, but it’s almost laughable because almost none of my worries or worst case scenarios have anything to do with reality.

So ask yourself these two questions: One, is it a real possibility? And two, is there any action that I can take right now to make a positive difference? 

We worry for the sake of worrying. It almost felt like it was something I needed to be doing, especially if no one else was worrying, because someone had to. I was just fueling all those limiting beliefs that I’ve been carrying around with me for years. I could argue with the best of them that my worrying was absolutely essential for the universe to function correctly. It needed to be done. And if no one else was doing it, then I’d take on that responsibility. 

I’m now at a point where I can see that 99% of my worry was completely unnecessary. And it’s humbling to realize that my worries were just there to make me miserable. Thankfully, I’ve discovered that I have the power to quit that habit. 

Here’s a four step process to get out of the worrying trap. Notice yourself worrying about something. 

Then let go of the worrying thoughts, by shifting your focus away from them and give your mind a more productive thing to do. 

Then ask yourself, what positive new thing is trying to come into being?

And then notice the feeling, not the thought or the idea, but the feeling of where that positive new thing is trying to come through, and feel it deeply for as long as possible. 

Most worry thoughts have nothing to do with reality, but that’s also true for criticism. When we criticize something, it usually doesn’t have anything to do with the thing we’re criticizing. When we find fault with someone or something, we’re doing it because we’ve run into one of our limiting beliefs that has us completely convinced that whatever it is, isn’t right. 

Criticism, or self criticism, is only useful when it’s directed at a specific thing and produces a useful result. Chronic criticism is the behavior we need to eliminate. It’s never about producing a result.

Become an observer of critical statements that are in your mind, whether they come out of your mouth or not. And sort them into two piles. The first pile: criticisms about real things that you plan to do something about. And the second pile, all the rest. 

Life requires us to make some important choices. All choices have consequences. What do I want to do with my life? Whom can I trust? How do I deal with the difficult people in my life? The answers to these involve choices. 

There are a few things that we need to do. First, identify your values. These are the ones that you live by now and your aspirational ones. And number two, identify who’s already impacting your quality of life. A good way to approach this is by asking yourself, “Knowing what you know now, would you choose to be friends with or interact with them?” 

Values-based decision making is where we use our values as our decision-making criteria. It requires a bit of introspection, so we can learn to make different choices in the future. But first, we need to determine our values. 

Values are a handful of concepts, beliefs, or aspirations in our lives that we deem most important. Not surprisingly for many people, nothing comes up immediately when we ask this question. Most people are unable to list their top handful of values when asked, without advanced notice. But knowing your values is a critical component of making decisions that align with how you want to live. 

The goal is for you to recognize, acknowledge, and establish a defined set of objectives and explicit values by which you want to live. If this is the first time you’ve thought about your values, it may take some time to get in the right mindset, but it is definitely time well spent in identifying them. 

But don’t stop there. Take it a little bit further, by expanding on those values, by defining them. Then list the specific behaviors that you would associate with those values and get them down on paper. You may experience amazing clarity just by writing them down. There’s something about using a pen and paper that really reinforces your thinking around this. 

It may be surprising to realize that we are communicating our values by the decisions we make every day. If you say that family is one of your values, but you are reluctant to leave the office at a reasonable hour to allow you to spend quality time with your family, then something needs to change. The work will always be there. It’s not going away. And no matter how hard we try, we will never get it all done. There will always be more. 

So make the effort to set your boundaries in order to prioritize what really matters. Eventually, those around you will get used to it and respect your decision. As with most changes, it does take some time for people to get used to you putting yourself first. The more we reinforce our values, the more they shape the lives we live. 

Not everyone wants to write a values inventory, but I invite you to consider investing the effort in it, in order to use these as your criteria for making possibly life-changing decisions. They can be the motivators and the potential drivers and give you the practical applications and insight necessary to maximize performance and project outcomes.

It’s about determining what’s important to you and what matters most, and then allocating your time to reflect that, with less grind, less determination, less effort, and more ease. Less surviving, and more thriving. When our priorities are clear, decision-making becomes easier. You’ll have the clarity and certainty to be able to face the inevitable resistance and fend off confusion and overwhelm, and handle things better, with less blaming, complaining, or making excuses.

Don’t worry about the past. And don’t worry about mistakes that you’ve made. You have the opportunity right now to change things. The next moment is a clean slate in front of you. It can go a long way to help you manage your stress and build resilience, and start leading a more purposeful life. 

Carefully apply your values to your daily decision-making process. This is important for creating a life that matters to you in the long run. These are some of the things that you want to be looking out for. 

When people ask something of you, take the time to discuss it with yourself. Take that time for self-reflection. Then make your decision to commit or decline only after you’ve done so. Most of us default to yes, without even considering the impact. But I want you to know that it’s okay to say no.

We tend to think that if we allow more things into our lives, that will make us more successful. But the more people and things you add, the more you have to manage and navigate, and the less you will accomplish. So it’s important to learn how to say no. 

This can be very challenging for most people, but if you don’t, you run the risk of wishing that you’d had the courage to live your life, true to yourself and not the life others expected of you. The reality is that people will always want something from you, but you might not immediately see it as a benefit to your career or the project might not resonate with you or your values. 

Nearly every problem you face is temporary, but these temporary problems can cause immediate and very real pain. Often we let this pain drive our choices and actions. We’re simply seeking quick relief. Sometimes in our quest to relieve our pain, we make choices we wouldn’t normally make. We let the problem drive our decisions. And we make exceptions to our personal values, telling ourselves that just this once, it’s what we need to do. 

But really, we’re just looking for immediate relief to resolve the pain, annoyance, or uncertainty that we’re feeling in the moment. That’s why we do most of the things we do, because of how we think it will make us feel. Instead, let your values drive your choices. Avoid this pitfall and make better long-term choices, while still resolving this immediate pain. 

It’s not about ignoring other aspects of what could be a relatively complex decision-making process. We’re simply adding our core values into the mix. So ask first, is this an alignment with my values? And then ask yourself, is this a solution to the problem I’m struggling with? If the answer is no to either of these, then you need to look for another option. 

The idea behind this method is that if we live and work in alignment with our values, then we’re more likely to live a life that we’re proud of, rather than one we’ll regret. Most people never take the time to think about their values, write them down, or really clarify them at all. It’s worth the time to sit down and clarify your values. Discover them, and then align your work and your life with them. 

You get to create your rules for who you let have an impact on your life going forward. Who do you want to interact with? People bring their experiences, their philosophies, and their values with them. It’s a bit of a package deal when they become part of your life. Sometimes it’s subtle, but other times it can be staggering the impact it can have on you. I’m sure you’ve all experienced this. Just one wrong person can have a disastrous effect on the entire group or the team.

If you’re not careful, the impact specific people have in your life will not be the one that you want. The wrong people can make your life unbearably chaotic. You’ll know it when you’re wishing you could turn down the volume on the noise that some people bring into your life. 

Yet, we’re all fearful to turn people away, even when we think that they might bring more disorder than help. We tend to be scared or embarrassed to stop the toxic people we encounter before they make an impact. So you let them into your life to avoid conflict, and then they begin creating mass chaos. And then we have to pick up the pieces and switch into damage control mode. 

It’s important to understand that what consumes your time, controls your mind. So what’s consuming your time? You can change it if you’re not happy about what it is. It all begins with your values. Once you’re clear on those, you may decide to make some changes in how you think about the people in your life. That just might lead to some positive changes. 

It’s all about laying the groundwork for curating the life you desire. It’s about applying the rules you developed for making decisions based on your values. And then trusting that you’ve made the right decision. It’s about taking responsibility for your life and then taking the steps to transform it into what you want. 

We default to saying yes, because we want to be available to people. But remember that always being available to people negatively impacts your quality of life. Ask yourself whether it’s an opportunity or a distraction. 

No person or project should automatically be accepted. Some people encourage you, but some hold you back. Focus your energy on bringing people and ideas into your life that will support the future you desire. More by design than by default. More proactively than reactively. Recognize the power you have instead of feeling like you have no control over what happens to you.

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide for Moving Forward at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode fifteen. 

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch. I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com. And if you liked the show, please tell a friend, subscribe, rate, and review. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thank you for joining me.