Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success Podcast, episode thirty-three. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

Your power is within your control, but many of us are willingly giving away our power to those who judge and criticize us. That anger, bitterness, and resentment inflict far more pain and damage on ourselves than on the people toward whom those emotions are being directed. 

In this episode, we’ll explore the fact that external factors can only have as much impact on your life as you are willing to give them. Creating the kind of success-focused mindset that we need to achieve our goals can be challenging to do on our own, especially if we’re feeling depleted by everything that’s happening around us. It’s time to do a mental reset that will allow us to refresh our mindset and reinvigorate our focus, motivation, and sense of purpose so we can accomplish something impactful in our careers. 

Are you giving away your power? Do you feel trapped? Are you feeling anxious all the time? Do you struggle with feelings of resentment and bitterness? Are you feeling helpless, unable to change your circumstances? Are you feeling exhausted, depleted, and demoralized? If any of these symptoms sound familiar, you are likely giving away your power to someone or something else. 

It’s time to reclaim your power and gain control over your life and your career. Harsh words and the opinions of others will hurt sometimes, but it’s not actually the words they say that hurt, it’s what you’re making it mean about you. 

It’s natural. We all do it. We take it in and we start to believe it because it confirms what we were already thinking about ourselves. So let yourself feel, but don’t stay there in that place. Don’t let those feelings overwhelm you. Your power is in your response. 

Knowing what you want is very different than knowing what you think you can have, and it’s also very different than having or not having. Ideally, what we want is what we have, but sometimes what we have is not what we want at all. 

We tend to spend a lot of time lying to ourselves, justifying our lives that have become the creations of things that we don’t want. Sometimes we’re even in denial about what it is that we do want. Genuine wants come from a deep part of our psyche. Many of us hide our truest desires from ourselves, looking instead for immediate fixes. 

Here are some questions to ask yourself: What do you want? To which we tend to respond with, I don’t know. But if you did know, what would you want? So we have to push ourselves, and sometimes rephrasing can help. In a perfect world, if you could have whatever it is you want, what would it be? As if that isn’t always an option. 

Or perhaps, try finishing these statements: 

• I’ve always wanted to… 
• My secret desire is to… 
• If nobody cared what I did, I would… 

Sometimes in just rephrasing the question, our wants come pouring out of us. It might surprise you to learn that your truest desires will match with what’s possible in your life. So remove the doubt, confusion, question of possibility, and just answer. Just allowing the answer to bubble up. It requires having the courage to let the answer come to you. Allow yourself to be surprised or even delighted with what comes up. 

The important thing to do, as you’re asking these questions to yourself, is to let yourself know that, no matter what answer comes up, you don’t have to act on it. You still get to decide. You have complete power in your life, even when it doesn’t feel that way. 

You don’t have to let the knowing of what you truly want hurt you, or make you feel badly, or inadequate in some way. If you have a belief system that you can’t have what you want, knowing what you want can sometimes cause you pain. You create a story around deprivation and not being able to have what it is you genuinely want. 

But it’s our true desires that are calling us forward. It’s important to understand why we want what we want, to make sure it’s not just a dopamine hit and something to prove our own worthiness. 

What is it that you really want, from a place of abundance? Is it everything you already have?

When you look at your life, would you rechoose everything that’s around you, or is there something different that you want? Do you have the courage to allow yourself to see it? Because just the knowing will change your life. 

Knowing what you want is scary. For most of us, what we want is beyond what we currently have in some way. We want more, bigger, and different. We want to push ourselves forward, to evolve, and to create. 

It starts by appreciating what we have and celebrating our accomplishments. I believe that nudge for more will always be there, but we have the tendency to push that nudge away and tell ourselves, “This is good enough. This’ll work. This will be fine. I’ll make that compromise.”, instead of focusing on what it is you really want. What is that dream that you have for yourself? 

All of your wants are important. It’s actually the goal to get to a place where what you want brings up doubt, denial, restriction, fear, and excitement. Where you wonder, could this really happen? Could I actually create this for myself? Where I can start to admit that it scares the crap out of me and I want it.

Your wants and desires typically bring up fear in one of its many forms, whether it be fear of failure, fear of not having it, or fear of actually having it, or fear of what people think when you do have it, or what you may have to change in order to get it. Spend time telling yourself the truth about what it is that you want and why. This is all good self-awareness. 

It’s about understanding what you’re feeling, what you’re thinking, who you are, and what you’re capable of, how you interact with the world, and what it all means. Breathe into your answer. 

What I really want, when I go beyond the surface, beyond the expectations of others, beyond the social constructs, what I really want is this…

Be very specific. Don’t stop at something that sounds vague. What exactly will it look like when it shows up? How will you know when you have it? 

Becoming more self-aware of your wants allows you to begin to know yourself better on a deeper level. Our relationship with the things we want bring up so much fear and doubt, but we don’t want to deny ourselves that self-awareness simply because we’re afraid of negative emotions. So encourage it to come up. Tell yourself the absolute truth about what it is that you want. 

Maybe you need to start with what you don’t want. Sometimes that’s an easier entry point. What do you wish were different? 

There is a big difference between wanting to want something, and actually wanting something. So tell yourself the truth, knowing you get to decide whether you’re going to go after it or not. This is very different than lying to yourself and telling yourself you don’t want something that you do actually want. This is what you want, so you have to be courageous enough to consider it. 

Let the truth of what you want be scary. It’s okay to be scared. Our brains are programmed for survival, not desire. Let your wants scare you a little bit. Let it challenge you. Be willing to change to honor that desire. Be willing to push aside that fear to get what it is that you want. 

Do you believe that your want is possible? Do you believe that your desire matters? Do you believe that you can create a better life for yourself? 

We’re not here just to be safe, or just to survive. We’re not here to simply please the people around us, and we’re not here to impress anybody else. We’re here to be curious about the thing that is nudging us to be more, to step forward. 

So recapping the five steps to figuring out what it is you want: 

Number one, get the self-awareness to understand and hear your inner voice about your true wants and desires.

Number two, tell yourself the truth knowing that you don’t have to act on it. 

Number three, let the fear come up. Knowing what you want is scary. It’s your roadmap to what’s next for you. 

Number four, make a conscious choice because it is a choice whether you will pursue the want, delay the want, or even deny the want.

And number five, be willing to change to honor your desire. Be ready to work alongside the fear to get what it is that you want. 

It’s also important to appreciate when to tap into your power because knowing what you want really clearly, will help you navigate all the obstacles and roadblocks you will encounter getting from where you are now, to where it is you want to be. It can be very satisfying figuring out how to make the environment you’re in work for you. But it’s just as important to know when the fit is not good, when you’re tired of contorting to the demands of a masculine workplace, noticing when the rules don’t work for you, and when your value isn’t being recognized. 

There’s a lot you can do to improve your situation, but also consider that maybe it’s time to leverage your power and pivot. Maybe it’s time to move to another position for a better salary, where corporate values align better with your own, and the work is more meaningful and fulfilling. Good companies are out there. Sometimes it just takes a while to find the right fit for you. 

Some of the roadblocks and obstacles you may encounter start with undermining your authority, questioning your credibility, and attempting to decrease your influence. Seldom are these tactics used to further the real substance of the discussion. Usually it’s about the power dynamics. 

These tactics influence which ideas are heard, how they’re received, and who gets credit. It’s best to deal with competitive tactics quickly and effectively to manage impressions, claim and maintain legitimacy, assert power and influence, and shape other people’s perceptions.

Most of us were raised to always be nice and never fight back, always smile and be sweet. But these things don’t serve us well in dealing with competitive verbal tactics, and they hinder us in looking confident and competent, and they get in the way of managing the power dynamic. 

We tend to give in too easily in negotiation or when asking for what we want. We tend to back off when faced with opposition or sharp criticism of our ideas. We tend to not deal with interruptions or having our ideas stolen, and we tend to ignore challenges to our authority and not react to sexist remarks. And we tend to avoid giving a controversial opinion only to watch someone else be applauded for voicing it. 

We tend to be on the receiving end of competitive verbal tactics, and it is uncomfortable and unsettling. And as intended, it’s to throw you off, to show you who holds the power in that situation. If you ignore it, you remain at a disadvantage. But if you confront it, you risk escalating the situation. 

You need to have the tools to calmly, confidently, quickly, and quietly stand up for yourself and your ideas. You need to stop it as soon as it happens, before it becomes a pattern that could damage your reputation, or be used to question your credibility. We shouldn’t need to challenge these tactics alone, but we usually do. Sometimes others will speak up and back us up, but most won’t. Sometimes you need to stand firm instead of being your normal agreeable self. 

Three of the most common competitive verbal tactics are interrupting, stealing ideas, and using undermining comments. 

So number one, interruptions. Typically men interrupt everyone. It’s very common. One way to handle being talked over is to meet fire with fire. This is to keep talking, firmly and calmly, without speeding up or going higher in tone, talking over the interruption, until they stop talking, even if that requires you to continue talking in circles.

Another way to handle interruptions is to draw attention to that interruption. Practice some pocket phrases to hold the floor until you finish making your point: “I would appreciate your opinion on this matter, but first, I would like to describe the situation as I see it. Let me finish my thought. I would like to finish. I have another point to make. Hold on, I’m not finished.” Hold up your hand for emphasis and maintain eye contact until you take back the floor. 

A third way to handle constant interruptions is to wait until they have stopped talking, and continue not to speak for a few more seconds, until they notice that you are no longer participating in the discussion. And then respond with something along the lines of, “You keep interrupting me, so now I’m waiting for your permission to speak. Is it my turn now? Do you need to keep talking?” 

The goal is to be snarky and direct. Inevitably, they will agree that it’s now your turn, and within a few seconds of you beginning to talk, they will invariably interrupt again. So then you need to interrupt them back, saying, “I thought you agreed that it was my turn to talk now.” After a few rounds of this, they may get the point. 

Number two is stolen ideas. Having others take credit for what you have done, or your ideas, is a common competitive verbal tactic because for men, status and achievement are paramount. The best way to handle this is to state your ideas clearly and confidently, and avoid tentative language. And when someone rephrases it or tries to take credit for it, chime in with something along the lines of, “Exactly. So glad you like the idea”. Or, “Thanks for building on my idea. Glad we agree.” Because it’s important to stand by your ideas and your opinions, to make your value visible, and discourage this type of behavior by others who see you as an easy mark.

Number three is undermining comments. These are the sexist comments that are commonly used to undermine your credibility. If you’ve been around long enough, you’ve probably heard a few, including, kiddo, honey, sweetie, young lady, or sweetheart. As with anything, how we take these depends on who is delivering it, and how they use it. And holding firm can be difficult.

Generally, these comments are aimed at reducing your status and negatively impacting your professional image. But don’t take it personally. Stay focused. The best way to handle these types of comments is by using the power of the pause, by becoming silent to indicate that a line has been crossed, to indicate they’ve been inappropriate. Sometimes you don’t need to say anything. Then, continue on, as if nothing has happened, as the message has been sent. 

If it has really gotten to you, and thrown you off balance, take a mental break, by detaching yourself. And try taking a step back to view the situation from a distance. If you need to, remove yourself from the situation, or take a break. Once you’re away from the situation, determine why this tactic was used. Was it just a part of their habitual style, or was it purposefully directed to reduce your power, or create a negative impression? It’s important to know whether you’re a casual target like everyone else, or you’re being perceived as a threat by this person. 

Another option is to confront the comment directly, but only if you’re comfortable doing it. And I recommend using humor, if you can. You may want to wait and talk to them privately afterward, to express your concern with these types of comments. 

It shouldn’t have to be on you to deal with this behavior, but most won’t intervene. We should be entitled to a respectful, healthy, safe place to work. But sometimes that’s too much to ask. You may gain a little respect from others by holding firm, but only from those who actually acknowledge that it’s out of line to begin with. 

The bottom line is you need to protect yourself. 

Do things that enhance your power. Promote yourself and your accomplishments. Choose your response to these tactics and add them to your toolkit. Build your network. Hone a professional, powerful image. Enhance your skills so that you’ll be able to adapt to changing situations. And know your own tendencies. 

We are more likely to tolerate behavior that we should never allow to happen. Unlearning this is a huge step toward living an empowered life.

Stop holding grudges and internalizing messages. Stop tolerating inappropriate behavior or accepting dead-end assignments, like taking notes, getting coffee, or even making copies. Stop believing others know more than you do, and stop allowing yourself to be the scapegoat. Stop permitting others’ mistakes to inconvenience you, and stop taking the bait. And ultimately, stop denying your power. 

All of your power comes from deciding what you want to believe, whether you believe in yourself, and whether you believe in your own success. Because it’s about finding your way, developing your own style, and knowing you can handle whatever happens. Success-focused individuals don’t recognize events, even the negative ones, as setbacks. They see them as opportunities. 

So what opportunities are waiting for you? 

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success.Remember to download your Guide to Stop Giving Away Your Power at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode thirty-three.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com. And if you liked this show, please tell a friend. Subscribe, rate, and review. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thanks for joining me.