Welcome to The Stop Sabotaging Your Success Podcast, episode fifty. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

Our lives and our careers are not always going to be an upward trajectory, and they aren’t always going to be a downward spiral either. If I had to guess, it would be more of a zigzag path for most of us, but the key is in being intentional and not leaving it to chance. Not everything will go as planned. But if you’re willing to look for them, there will be many opportunities for growth and learning along the way. 

In this episode, we’ll look at what might have to change in order to make what we want to have happen possible. Sometimes it’s a matter of exploring and experimenting in order to figure out what it is that really fills us up. 

When you try to do too much all at once, it just leads to a feeling of stuckness where we start feeling really discouraged by the whole process. Everything seems so daunting. Then we start to shame and blame ourselves and take it all personally.

Why can’t I figure this out? What’s wrong with me? Am I ever going to be happy? I just don’t know what to do, and then we’re inclined to quit everything and burn it all down. Instead of focusing on trying to control people and circumstances to give ourselves a boost, it’s better to see the progress we’re making, however small, as we continue to strive for success.

Ask yourself, what would have to change for me to be completely fulfilled? 

The answer provides clues as to what we may be finding unsatisfying, threatening, or even intolerable. And very often we decide that someone else has to change, that they have to stop doing something or start doing something, to make a real difference in our lives. But it’s not about changing anyone else.

Maybe our hard work has been overlooked. Instead of acknowledging our disappointment, we build up a case against the offender, that they are the problem. We feel more powerful as the judge and from there arises a story about how unfair and intolerable everything is. Eventually, you may not be able to distinguish the person from the story you’re telling yourself about them. 

I want to invite you to consider the fact that you could just walk away from that job and that boss and not be angry, resentful, or feel victimized. You could also decide that you could stay without feeling resigned or embattled. You have a choice. You hold the power to decide for yourself. And if you choose to go elsewhere, you will no longer be running from something, but instead, you’ll be running towards something better. See the difference? 

Did you know that it only takes one person to change a relationship? Start by identifying the primary issue by asking what irritates you the most in your dealings with that particular person. Seize that opportunity to establish a common truth, an emotionless fact of what actually happened. Then identify the expectations you have of them that seem the most unrealistic, and start by letting those go. Then focus on what you can do, ensuring that it accurately reflects your capabilities so that it’s something that you can and will do with less focus on what will happen if it doesn’t work out. Suspend that kind of thinking for a moment and trust that you will figure something out even if it doesn’t go exactly as you want it to. 

Sometimes we don’t appreciate how much there is for us to explore and experiment with without drastically changing our current role. Run some experiments in a way that gives you enough information or insight to know whether this is something that interests you enough to make more of a commitment, take a bigger risk, or start to explore it more seriously, while still allowing you to continue doing everything that you need to do in your current role, and not completely burning yourself out. 

Explore opportunities to take on new responsibilities. Maybe fill in for someone who’s on parental leave, all without giving up your current role. Consider ways to put yourself in the path of new opportunities. Maybe it’s attending a seminar or putting in the effort to obtain a new credential. 

Exploring and experimenting may require giving yourself permission not to finish something that you’ve started. Your experiment may open doors sooner than you expected, or you may have to make a decision before you’re ready to, or your experiment may reveal that this is not something you want to pursue any further because it’s not what you expected at all. 

It could be a hard decision to back out of something and not see something through. I was taught as a kid that I had to finish whatever I started because I didn’t want to be seen as a quitter. But stay flexible. Trust your intuition to guide the way because your story is still being written. 

You may not yet be clear what your vision is, how to put it all together, or what you want it to ultimately look like. There may be hesitation as to whether this is a viable option or whether you have the right to want this for yourself. Trust that deep down you do know what you want. 

As soon as you start pursuing something new that aligns better with who you are and what you really want, it’s likely you’ll find yourself thinking, feeling, and talking like a new person. You may even wonder how you could have felt so discouraged and resentful just weeks or months earlier. 

Even small changes can positively impact your perspective. Focus on seeing yourself as adaptable rather than vulnerable, confident that you can deal with whatever comes your way. Stay open to new things.

Maybe you just haven’t given anyone the chance to see what you can do. Do the work to start making things happen for yourself. It’s a decision that you need to make. No one can make it for you. 

Confidence and courage are skills you can develop. You can learn to be brave by doing something you’re scared of, but doing it anyway. And each time you do it, you’ll be a little less afraid. Don’t wait until you’re confident. Don’t wait until you know how to do it perfectly. You have to begin before you’re ready. Trust that you’re going to become the person you need to be along the way. If you wait until you have the perfect idea before you begin, it will never happen. Instead, do the work and follow where your curiosities lead as you’re doing it.

Make a commitment to yourself now that you’re going to structure your life around what you want to do, what you love to do, not what others want you to do. There’s a difference between what you need and what you think you need. If money wasn’t a factor, what is the work you would choose to do? Sometimes things don’t go as planned and it can feel like you’ll never recover, yet somehow, you always do. Strengthen your bravery muscles to help you get through anything. 

Here are five steps to help you find your way through when things don’t go as planned: 

1. wallow if necessary
2. celebrate your result
3. shake it off
4. review, reassess, and realign
5. get back in the game

And back to step one, wallow if necessary. Spend that necessary time wallowing in self pity. Sometimes it’s essential for your rebound, but allow yourself only a set amount of time to really mourn what you lost. I suggest you allow no more than three days, even for the big painful setbacks. 

Then, and only when you’re good and ready, get up and move on to step number two, which is celebrate your result. It’s important to celebrate the achievement of getting a result, even if it’s not the outcome that you’d hoped for. Hold on to hope that eventually your efforts will result in a breakthrough success. It’s what helps us continue moving forward. If you failed, it means you tried. And if you tried, it means you took a risk. 

Celebrate the fact that you put yourself out there and dared to go for it. You got a result, even if it wasn’t the result you wanted. Recognize that it means you saw something through to its conclusion and can now pivot to your next move. 

Step number three, shake it off, literally. Shake off the disappointment, shame, and regret that keeps you from moving forward. Engaging in physical activity after an emotional blow is key for promoting resilience. Do anything that gets you out of your head and back into self-care. Choose something that you enjoy that will jolt you out of the funk that you’re mired in and will help refuel your tank. Do something that will give you the energy and strength to keep moving forward. 

Step number four, review, reassess, and realign. Review by telling your story of what happened with as little editorializing as possible. Just the facts. No blame, no interpretation. Report it in the most objective of terms. What happened? Where, when, and how did it happen? Who was involved? What are the real actual consequences? And what needs to be changed, improved, repaired, or put back on track? 

Then reassess by reframing your narrative. We tend to get stuck on a single all-or-nothing version of events, which can be distorted by shame or self-doubt. This limits our ability to see a different perspective. It’s easy to focus on what went wrong, but give equal time to what went right. Maybe you didn’t achieve what you set out to do, but what did you learn in the process of trying? 

I’m sure you’ve beaten yourself up enough by this point, so it’s time to show compassion and let yourself off the hook. What worthy efforts and actions did you take that need to be acknowledged? What are you proud of having done? Focus on what you did right and remember that no one is perfect. Don’t get stuck in a disempowering blame game. Shift out of blame and into responsibility. 

What could you have done differently? What will you do differently next time? And what can you salvage?

Maybe you didn’t get what you wanted, but is there an upside to it not working out? This may be the end of a chapter, but it’s not the end of the story. Then realign by cultivating a sense of gratitude and purpose to help you bounce back from the setback. Gratitude is a way to shift your mood and energy. It’s hard to remain sad if you’re focused on what you have, instead of what you don’t have.

Realign with your purpose. That’s the reason for you trying to make this happen in the first place, by remembering why you took on this challenge. Redirect your efforts in a new direction, in a different way. Every one of your setbacks ends up shaping who you are and who you are becoming. All things contribute to your advancement. 

And finally, step number five, get back in the game. Try again. We all falter. We all have setbacks, flops, and failures. It’s how you learn what not to do, but you get to try again. Failures make you stronger, wiser, more empathetic, more valuable, and more real. 

Stop demanding perfection of yourself. No mistake or setback will take you down. Failure will not break you.Get back out there and do it all over again. 

Time isn’t something you find. It’s something you make by prioritizing what it is that you want to do. What actually happens is that time passes and months turn into years, all the while you are putting all of your energy and time into your job. Maybe it was supposed to be just a stepping stone to what would eventually lead to your dream job, but that never happened. So now looking back, you have nothing to show for all that time spent. 

Time is your most important commodity. You can’t buy it back. Maybe it’s fear that keeps you from moving forward, taking that leap. You can choose the work you’re going to do today. You can’t control other people’s perceptions, only the work you do.

Take your big ambitions and narrow them down into what you can do, for even just an hour a day. Choose your work every single day. Everything else will fall into place. Break it down. Make it granular into something that you can control. Let it grow into what it wants to be as you work on it. 

Make it work with the job you have. Don’t wait until you’re financially secure. Don’t wait until you have the time. And don’t wait until you’re emotionally ready. Time isn’t something you find, it’s something you make. It’s when you want it more than anything else, that you will finally make it a priority. 

You get to decide how to tell your story, what to include, what not to include, what’s important, and what’s not as important. So remember, your story is still being written. 

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Getting Unstuck at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode fifty.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com. And if you liked this show, please tell a friend. Subscribe, rate, and review. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thanks for joining me.