Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode thirty-one. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

What’s wrong and who’s to blame? That seemed to be my mantra for many years. When things go wrong, people want to know why. They want to know what happened, so we tend to explain our way out of things, trying to distance ourselves from the problem. 

In this episode, we’ll get into why the blame game is so enticing. We tend to find some satisfaction in figuring out whose fault it is when things don’t go as planned, as long as it’s not our fault. But while it’s a common occurrence, unfortunately it’s not the best use of time because it’s not constructive. 

When something goes wrong and we feel threatened, we naturally want to defend ourselves against any repercussions. That’s when we find ourselves scapegoating, trying to shift the blame elsewhere. The blame game is pointing fingers as you try to figure out who’s at fault and why. 

It’s interesting that we tend to blame people for how we feel, and we like to blame others for the actions we take, and the results we get in our lives. But really we’re just avoiding the responsibility that is all our own. We go around in circles instead of looking for solutions. Generally, it’s not something we do on purpose, but we all know that sometimes it is deliberate. 

Is it that we haven’t been taught how to take full responsibility for our lives? Maybe it’s time we pick up the mirror and not the magnifying glass.

Those who always blame someone else create drama wherever they go. They are the ones who find it hard to take responsibility for their role in situations that don’t go as planned. We are all capable of reflecting on our thoughts. We can decide what to think and what to feel, at any given moment, no matter what anyone else says or does in our lives. 

When things go wrong, it’s very human to want to assign blame, but it’s a very debilitating way to live. It also keeps us locked in a space of blame. Sometimes we think this will be helpful for us to understand what happened and move forward. We think we’ll feel better knowing the cause, especially if it’s someone else’s fault, and sometimes it does. Sometimes assigning blame helps us feel better for a moment, but as long as it’s someone else’s fault, it prevents us from seeing where we may have contributed to the situation. 

We fear that taking responsibility for errors or mistakes could harm our careers or make us look bad. Blaming others can have a detrimental effect on morale and performance. People tend to feel belittled or humiliated if they’re pinpointed for blame, especially if it’s not their fault. And then they tend to feel like victims, as if they are at the mercy of the other people in their lives. 

This culture of blame may also lead to individuals or teams being scapegoated when the real problem actually lies elsewhere. Or it may be the result of a number of seemingly unrelated causes. It’s easier to blame someone in another department or building than it is to point fingers at someone you sit with every day. This type of scapegoating may even perpetuate bias or prejudice, or lead to accusations of discrimination. It can damage the integrity of other team members who witness it, especially if they do nothing to stop it. Passing the buck depletes trust and it gives your organization a bad name. Sometimes it can make the whole company seem incompetent. 

Blame can also stunt creativity and innovation within your organization. If people are afraid to try new things in case they don’t work out, this can reduce performance in the long term. A protective manager may take the rap for someone else’s mistake and sometimes that’s their job. But some individuals may attempt to accept blame even where it’s not warranted. And someone who is highly self critical, maybe view everything as their fault, even when it isn’t.

Sometimes we find ourselves in a place where we don’t feel as if we have control over what’s going on around us. So instead, we place blame on other people or our circumstances, and we act as if we have no other choice. Seeing that you are responsible for everything you feel can change your perspective. 

When you find yourself blaming someone for the way you’re feeling, it’s usually a feeling that fuels an action that you don’t want to be taking, or one that you may regret later. When we choose not to be responsible for our feelings, we also refuse responsibility for our actions. When we go from blaming other people for the way we feel, we then tend to turn the blame on ourselves, realizing that we are the ones causing or contributing to the problem. So treat yourself with kindness. 

When we take action that we end up regretting, we tend to abdicate responsibility for it. Own your own actions completely and apologize. Now you know you can change if you choose to. It’s a powerful place to reside, a place where you have complete control of your life. 

When we’re functioning from a place of blame, we’re feeling sorry for ourselves. We’re blaming others for the results, or lack of results, in our lives and we’re not taking full responsibility. This approach doesn’t solve anything. Shifting the blame won’t help you fix the problem. 

It’s time to start taking responsibility for how we feel and make choices for how we want to feel. By doing this, we’ll be so much more empowered. We’ll get to be the people we truly want to be.

You have a choice about how you respond to every single thing that happens to you. It’s all about managing yourself and your mind, which requires significantly more responsibility and much more effort than blaming others. It’s so empowering to realize that you aren’t dependent on anyone else for how you think, feel, or act. 

Instead of acting like a drama queen or an out of control child, we can allow ourselves to feel our feelings without acting out to avoid, distract or blame others. We can instead take the kind of action that produces the results we want. 

It’s time to take responsibility for all your actions and feelings. You get to behave in the way you want and it also means that others are free to behave in the way they want to. You might still take actions you regret at times, and then you can choose to apologize. 

Knowing you are responsible for the way you feel means you understand you are responsible for the way you behave too. You get to decide who you want to be and how you want to act. And that means owning up to your mistakes, rather than blaming your actions on how someone else made you feel.

Sometimes it’s very obvious when people are playing the blame game, but it can happen in more subtle ways too. There are four warning signs to watch out for: 

Number one is exclusion. This is where one or two people in the team are regularly excluded or marginalized. They may be weaker than the others, either in character or position, or absent from the discussion.

Number two is finger pointing. This is where team members find fault within the group. For example, “Someone was supposed to check those figures before the presentation”. 

Number three is denial. Where people may deny responsibility or come up with excuses. They may make comments such as, “That has nothing to do with me”, “No one showed that information to me”. 

And number four is negativity. This is where no solution is identified to fix the issue at hand. And instead, people become fixated on finding fault. They struggle to move forward and only focus on the negative. 

When team members start to throw blame at one another, things can get out of control and relationships can be damaged. There are three steps to help you steer the discussion in a more productive direction:

Number one, reframe the situation. You can depersonalize the problem and ask, “Where do we go from here?”. Focus on actions that the team can take to remedy the situation rather than analyzing who was at fault. And also show them how it can be an opportunity to learn and grow. 

Number two is apologize. If someone has been blamed unfairly, try to get the person or people responsible to apologize. If that isn’t possible, you can say sorry on their behalf. If you are responsible for unfair blame, the best thing to do is recognize it and make amends by apologizing. Watch for signs of anger or stress, and offer additional support in private if necessary. 

And number three, learn from your mistakes. Ask the team, “What can we learn from this?”. You might identify a breakdown in communication. Focus on processes. Explore how you can improve them and how you can apply these changes to prevent similar issues from cropping up in the future. 

Avoiding the blame game doesn’t mean letting things slide or hoping the situation will resolve itself. Failure to tackle poor performance, lack of effort, or insufficient attention to detail could cause resentment for the rest of the team, which may also allow the same problem to recur, and may mean other people have to compensate for one person’s shortcomings. Pointing the finger of blame doesn’t solve anything. Instead, work together to find a solution. It’s important to set clear expectations and boundaries for your team. 

There are three ways to prevent a culture of blame: 

Number one is establishing clear responsibilities and accountability. When people know exactly what their responsibilities are, it’s harder to blame others when things go awry, and it’s less likely to go wrong in the first place. By encouraging personal accountability and not micromanaging, your team members will retain a sense of ownership over their tasks. 

Number two is to foster openness. An open and collaborative team will be better equipped to deal with potential problems before they get out of hand. Ask for regular input from your team at meetings or individually, because some people are less comfortable speaking up in groups. Watch out for ‘group think’ where people are wary of raising difficult questions for fear of upsetting the status quo. 

And number three is nurturing your emotional intelligence and empathy. Even if a colleague is genuinely at fault, there may be other factors to consider. Perhaps they’re overstretched or a family emergency led them to overlook something important. Aim to offer support instead of criticism. If a team member makes a mistake or fails to deliver on a task, they may require coaching, mentoring, or training on a specific skill. 

In some organizations, avoiding the blame game may require a significant cultural shift. This may not be something that you’re able to do on your own, but you can take small steps to reduce your own tendency to blame. And this might encourage others to do the same. It may just help drive change in a positive direction. 

Empathize and have compassion for others. Focus on preventing the problem from arising again in the future. Drama always seems to follow the same people. 

Blaming and judging others leads to the magnifying glass effect, where you’re busy focusing on other people’s shortcomings. Because the more we look, the more we notice. And we avoid looking at ourselves. 

Situations are rarely just one person’s fault. Even when one person is in the wrong, the person wronged will probably have done something. Perhaps we’ve ignored or allowed behaviors we shouldn’t have. Maybe we’ve given off signals that were misunderstood. As we learn to take responsibility for ourselves, our lives, and our feelings, the drama is avoided and relationships get simpler and easier. 

Here are five questions you may want to ask yourself: 

1. How did I contribute to this situation? Where can I see that something I did, or didn’t do, made the situation worse for me? 
2. If I were to relive the situation as someone who takes full responsibility for my actions and feelings, what would I notice? 
3. What signals could I have given to others, either explicitly or implicitly, that contributed to the situation? 
4. Where could I be more forgiving and understanding? 
5. What could I do differently next time? 

It isn’t about blaming ourselves either. It’s about taking an honest look at what actually happened and owning our part in it. It’s not to then blame or judge ourselves, but to learn and grow. 

We cannot avoid other people doing things that may hurt or upset us, but it’s not what they’ve done, it’s what we’re making it mean. And when we blame others, we isolate ourselves. We leave no room for empathy, compassion, or understanding. This just reinforces the inner judge inside each of us.

By giving up blaming others and ourselves, we will then experience greater power and energy in our lives. You will attract other positive, powerful people to you. And when you look beyond blaming, you can then see how you actually created or allowed this to happen. You can begin to search for and find ways to get the results you want. Once you realize that you created it the way it is, you have the power to uncreate it and recreate it the way you want. 

When you’re confronted with a negative event, look beyond blaming and finger pointing. Instead, look for new ways to resolve it. Say something or do something, rather than blame someone. 

Recognize and acknowledge the blaming that you have been doing up until now. And then change these blaming thoughts to thoughts of responsibility. Create a new ‘no blame’ thought to replace it. Describe what you could do instead and write it down. Now go back and change the words “I could” to “I will”. 

Are you willing to give up all blaming? 

When problems arise, playing the blame game can waste time and damage the cohesion of the team. Finding blame won’t resolve the issue or prevent the error from happening again. A better approach is to depersonalize the situation. Focus on finding the root cause of the problem and explore what you can learn from these mistakes. 

To avoid a culture of blame arising in your team, set expectations, encourage personal accountability, and discuss potential problems openly. Show empathy when errors are made. We’re all human and we make mistakes. 

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Stopping the Blame Game at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode thirty-one.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com. And if you liked this show, please tell a friend. Subscribe, rate, and review. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thanks for joining me.