Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success Podcast, episode forty-nine. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

We experience facts and feelings differently, but by experiencing them together, we form opinions and make decisions. The real power comes when we are able to see things from other people’s perspectives in order to be able to determine how to make sense to others. 

In this episode, we explore how facts and emotions get intertwined. Someone who is fearful about doing something perceives the facts of the situation much differently than a person who is interested in doing the same thing. There’s a whole continuum to explore between being indifferent, concerned, or fearful of a situation, all the way to being interested, enthusiastic, or confident in your own ability to do what it is you want to do. It all starts with awareness and acceptance of where you are right now in this moment. But remember, this is dynamic, not static. It’s just a snapshot in time. 

No one is stuck anywhere on that continuum. Even the chronic complainers can change their attitudes and become more willing to cooperate with a given idea or course of action. It’s noticing where you are and not thinking you should be somewhere else. It’s about acceptance rather than resistance. Just because it’s not happening yet doesn’t mean it’s never going to happen. Surprisingly, we don’t actually want to know when things will happen, although we think we do, which means we need to start to get comfortable with uncertainty. 

We experience acceptance and resistance as a continuum, not a toggle switch. It can vary from situation to situation. Much like acknowledgement isn’t necessarily agreement, acceptance isn’t settling, giving up, or giving in. It doesn’t mean you’re stuck in stagnation or stalled, and it certainly doesn’t mean you’re not open to change or improvement. Acceptance is not the opposite of motivation or pushing forward. It’s actually what makes making progress easier because it requires having less resistance. 

I hate the saying “It is what it is”. I have a visceral reaction to it. I think it’s because it was what was said to me over and over when I was complaining about some stereotypical bias or lack of fairness in my workplace. I think it was their way of telling me to just get used to the way it was, instead of thinking it should be different, but I wasn’t ready to accept something that had no rational basis and didn’t seem right to me. 

But sometimes, we have to accept what is, even when we’re not happy with it. But that doesn’t mean we have to stop there. And other times, acceptance can mean being content with where you are while still being open to improvement and growth. It’s being at peace with where you’re at, but not treating that as the upper limit. 

While it’s a snapshot of where you are right now, it doesn’t mean that what you want is out of reach. It requires having compassion for your current ability, level of proficiency, and speed of improvement. This is all interconnected with appreciating and celebrating our accomplishments. 

The word ‘should’ is the cue for me that something needs more attention because I’m arguing with reality and maybe there is something here that may need to change. It may seem counterintuitive, but it starts by learning to let go. It can be a relief in releasing all of those ‘shoulds’.

There’s power in letting go, and we all have things we could let go of: 

• outdated goals and ideas
• mindsets that have outlived their usefulness
• regrets that continue to haunt us
• grudges that we can’t seem to let go of
• unrealistic expectations that are getting in our way, and
• even those tiny mistakes that can sometimes expand in our minds and start seeming like huge failures

It’s kind of like having unnecessary applications running in the background of your computer, slowing down all its functionality. I don’t know about you, but I like to keep a million tabs open at once. I keep accumulating them one after another. But it’s time to reclaim that space in our brains by focusing on what we have, not what we wish we had.

It’s hard not to obsess, lament, and complain about all that we have yet to attain or have lost. Complaining is one of the easiest things we can do, and many do it incessantly. We live in a complaint culture. We grumble and whine about what we find unsatisfactory or unacceptable, and we’re very quick to express our outrage. Even if we don’t get caught up in it, it can still affect us because the more we complain, the more things we find to complain about. 

Complaints are toxic thoughts whereas gratitude, that’s a powerful catalyst, with the ability to starve the negative emotion of oxygen and generate a positive self-sustaining system. The more grateful you are, the more you have to be grateful for. 

By focusing on what you are thankful for, instantly you shift from a state of scarcity, where you focus on your regrets and worries about the future, while constantly feeling behind, to an abundant state, where you’re focused on what is going right, the progress you’re making, and the potential that exists for the future, which then helps to remind you of all the resources, assets, and skills you have at your disposal. Then you can use them to do what matters most, more easily. Positive emotions open us up to new perspectives and possibilities and encourage creative ideas leading to what seems like an upward spiral, which improves the odds of coping with the next challenge we face. 

Complaining is a self-sustaining cycle, making it harder to do what matters and creating what seems like a downward spiral instead, where your mindset narrows and you’re less open to new ideas or new people. It can feel very draining and deplete our reserves, making it harder to cope with the very challenges and frustrations that caused our complaints in the first place. A system is self-sustaining if it requires less and less investment of energy over time. Once it’s set in motion, maintaining it becomes easier and eventually effortless.

We’ve all encountered challenging people. Those who criticize us constantly, complain about their job, and talk about how much they want to quit, and yet do nothing to improve their situation. It’s frustrating to listen to and can be emotionally, mentally, and physically draining. But there’s hope and a way to cope with these difficult personalities by creating a more positive, productive relationship. 

It’s easy to get pulled into the negativity and complain about their complaining, but instead, I invite you to actively look for things to be grateful for in them. It may be hard to do at first. Invert those negatives into positives. 

Get in the habit of looking for things to be grateful for, to see their strengths, and even compliment them on their strengths, if you can. This will definitely catch them off guard because, as you can probably imagine, I would guess they’re not receiving much positive feedback, in general. You might surprise yourself and grow to tolerate each other, maybe even become friends. But you don’t have to. You don’t have to like everyone. 

And as you’re trying to cope with these challenging people, it’s also time to do a little self-reflection. You may be shocked to realize how much you complain. Start paying attention. Develop some awareness. And start to catch yourself mid-complaint. Then try finishing your sentence with words of gratitude. After a while, you may start to catch yourself simply thinking about complaining and be able to think of something that you are thankful for instead. This can be hard at first, but it does become easier. 

You have a choice to hold a grudge or release it. You also have a choice to continue to indulge in your cynicism, rage, or bitterness, and carry that around with you for the rest of your life, but you don’t have to. Make a choice to let it go. I’m not saying you won’t still feel anger or disappointment, but don’t make things even harder for yourself by wallowing in resentment and fury. 

Turn your energy toward letting go. Holding onto a grudge against someone who hurt you wastes precious mental energy, as does being angry, hurt, annoyed, resentful, bitter, and cynical. Wounds fester. Choose the healthier path for yourself and put yourself first. Instead, focus on the things you truly care about. 

There are five common ways we rationalize why we are so invested in indulging in feeling overwhelmed, stressed, helpless, or cynical: 

Number one is fulfilling an emotional need that’s not being met, where feeling overwhelmed gives you an excuse to do nothing. But it’s costing you, and it doesn’t deliver a satisfying return on your investment. 

Number two is allowing you to feel more in control, where you can prove that you are right, so you can feel superior and powerful. But in reality, the complaining is controlling you, trapping you in a never-ending loop of blame, self-righteousness, and possibly self-loathing. 

Number three is giving you some attention, where you are using the victim’s story to get support and sympathy. But it always has an unsatisfactory ending and people around us get tired of hearing it over and over. So then we have to find new people to tell.

And number four is getting you off the hook, where you now have someone else to blame. So you don’t have to take responsibility for your inaction or lack of results. It’s providing permission to wallow in your negativity. But by hanging onto your anger, resentment, contempt, and negativity, you are actually holding yourself captive. 

And finally, number five, it’s protecting you, where you create emotional armor to keep yourself from getting hurt. But in reality, it makes you more vulnerable and fearful where it’s harder to trust others or let anyone in. It’s time to accept what we can’t control. 

Let go of your unrealistic expectations of how you wish others would behave. Accept the reality of what is and what will be. Acceptance is the first step. Let go of that need to punish those who’ve hurt you and let go of that victim mentality. Surrender those grudges and complaints in favor of freedom and compassion for yourself. 

Just because we are aware of and accept where we’re at, doesn’t mean we don’t want to continue growing and improving. Don’t get caught thinking that this is as good as it gets and nothing will ever get better. Those are the hallmarks of what Carol Dweck calls a fixed mindset:

• with the urgency to prove yourself again and again
• a deep concern for making mistakes and possibly failing
• being reluctant to expose what you see as your deficiencies
• seeing imperfections as shameful
• that expectation that you’ll be good at something right away, but if that doesn’t happen, you lose interest thinking that it’s not worth the effort
• seeing failures as a measure of your worth and allowing those failures to define you as a person
• focusing solely on the outcomes, where not hitting the mark means failure, discounting what you’ve achieved and learned along the way. 

That sounds so familiar, doesn’t it? That fixed mindset holds us back from trying anything outside of our comfort zone, not doing something spontaneous or potentially fun because we tell ourselves we’re not adventurous. We turn down invitations and opportunities because we think it’s just not who I am. This impacts us later in life where we make even the smallest misstep into an indicator of our limitations rather than seeing ourselves and our abilities as a work in progress.

No one is born with a fixed mindset. We all come pre-wired with a desire to learn and grow. It’s only once we begin to evaluate ourselves as kids that we become afraid of challenges. That’s the good news, because we can undo that programming by being brave. 

It’s time to stop suppressing our instinct to speak up and take a stand, even when it feels risky. You may have accepted that you find it easier to stay quiet than to deal with those who put you down in the moment, but that doesn’t mean you’ll be that way forever. You may have accepted that keeping a lid on your anger keeps you from saying anything that makes you sound angry or bossy, but that doesn’t mean you won’t ever stand up for yourself or retaliate.

As women, we tend to be caught in the double bind. We need to be assertive and confident if we want to get ahead, but knowing we’ll encounter disapproval if we do, so we tread lightly. We stay quiet, contained, focused on being likable and easy to get along with, but we aren’t doing ourselves any favors. We can work at reversing and relearning these behaviors and habits. All it takes is awareness and practice. 

We can be content with where we are currently, yet still work at making incremental improvements by not settling. It’s more a matter of taking care of ourselves so that we can do great things. Any interaction can start from a positive baseline instead of a negative one. People are worthy of your time and courtesy, until proven otherwise. Tell yourself they feel the same way about you. 

We are attracted to people who aren’t trying to prove anything, and it takes so much less energy than being paranoid. So assume the best and explore that continuum. Climb that ladder and create that upward spiral for yourself. While you still may feel indifferent, concerned, or fearful of a situation, you can let go of that doubt and be more open to express interest, maybe even start to be enthusiastic and develop confidence in your own ability to do what it is you want to do. 

Accept where you are at this moment, but don’t settle for this being all there is for you. It is what it is, or is it?

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Creating A New Habit at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode forty-nine. 

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch. I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com. And if you liked the show, please tell a friend, subscribe, rate, and review. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thank you for joining me.