Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode thirteen. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast  focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

We need people. We’re not meant to do life alone. Even the most introverted of us are not meant to be hermits. It’s not healthy for most of us to live our lives away from everyone that we care about. Because then we have no one to turn to when we need them. There is a reason why solitary confinement is considered a punishment for those imprisoned. We need a community around us. 

In this episode, we will talk about the key ingredient required for all relationships, and the five types of people we should make an effort to find for ourselves. These are our people. They’re the ones who will encourage us, celebrate with us, challenge us, and they are the ones that we can depend on to be there when we need them. 

We need people, but we fear betrayal. We spend our lives looking for the approval of others, but we’re afraid of building community, because we’re afraid to need people. We’re afraid of being deceived or double-crossed, and because we’re afraid of what that might say about us if we were. It’s that fear of that hurt that keeps us from reaching out to others in a way that we need to. We’re afraid of giving people the power to hurt us, to reject us, because we let them get too close. 

Relationships require trust. That’s the key ingredient. From a very young age, we’ve been told to trust no one, but in order to create the bonds and friendships, relationships require trust. So we need to allow people access to us, but that leaves us feeling vulnerable and exposed. 

Some would say that family is kind of obligated to stick with us through good times and bad, but no one else is. And depending on the level of dysfunction in your family, not them either. And like a lot of our other fears, this one feels like it’s been validated and verified. The reality is people can be dishonest, selfish, and self-centered, which gives us many reasons to say nothing to anyone, ever again. Maybe even swear off people altogether. 

Sometimes the drama that people bring into our lives, tempts us into thinking, “I’m better off going it alone”. But we can’t surrender to that temptation. We absolutely need to find the right people. There are good people out there. It just might take being more selective. And those we choose become key guides in this journey we call life. 

The communities we belong to are an important part of our identity. They teach us what is acceptable, respectable, and tolerable. Our lives are one big group decision and life seems like a group project. And I don’t know about you, but that makes me kind of cringe. 

But the question remains: 

• Do we select who we hang out with based on who we are? 
• Or do we become who we are, based on who our friends are? 

It might be scary to think about others having this much impact on us and even scarier to think that everyone we’ve ever met can continue to have an impact on us long after they’ve moved on, but we need to accept it and use it to our benefit. The people we are surrounded by affirm our lives and our decisions. They can peer pressure us into being and doing better. And seeing them up close can inspire us to know what’s possible. 

It’s important to have people to hold you up in the times when you can’t, and remember that you are worthy and worth defending, even if people demean you. And when you begin to doubt everything you know about yourself, they can take you by the hand and pull you back to your feet. 

It’s not about making everyone your best friend. The people you surround yourself with can fulfill different purposes, and some might fulfill multiple roles. Where people struggle with relationships is that they expect everyone in their lives to fulfill all their needs. That’s too much for any one person. We all have lots of expectations of our friends and no one or two people can do or be all of that for you. We need to be spreading that responsibility around. 

There are five types of people that we need: 

The first are cheerleaders. These are the people who have known us the longest, who can give us perspective and remind us of the people we used to be, when we were still dreaming of who we are today.

And secondly, allies. These are the people who we’ve met along the way, and bonded with in a professional setting, who can look out for us on the business front, who we can vent to about work stuff that we don’t want to bore anyone else with. And who have insights about the career landscape that no one else would have. 

Thirdly, mentors. These are the people who are friends, as well as guides, who have accomplished great things in a similar field, who care about our lives even outside of the office. Who will champion our work and unlock doors to provide opportunities we wouldn’t be able to get on our own. 

And fourth, advocates. These are the people who will spread the word about the great work we’re doing with sincere enthusiasm, who will help our ideas and projects get traction by providing the necessary support, feedback, and recognition at just the right time. And who will provide us with the momentum and confidence to keep on, keeping on. 

And fifth, supporters. These are the people who will be in our corner all the way, who provide unconditional support and truly stand behind our vision and want to see us succeed. Who will give us advice and encouragement to keep going when we’re uncertain. And who will give us real feedback, even when it’s not positive. 

Each of these groups is essential to our well-being. These groups are dynamic. Someone may start out in one group, but that may not be where they stay. You may meet someone professionally, who then becomes a really close friend over time. 

Each group plays a different role and fills a different need or want. There are people who fall into one, or more, or all of these categories. We have to be okay with putting people in boxes and not expecting them to be anything but who they are. 

Not everyone is as equally invested in our lives and well-being as we are, even if they are our friends. If someone makes you feel bad about who you are, and they’re mean to you, let them go. It doesn’t have to be dramatic, conscious neglect works too. But that’s different from the person who’s challenging you and telling you to fix your mistakes. If you can’t depend on them in a time of crisis, you might need to take a step back from them, as well. 

Not everyone is going to come on this journey with us. The friends we have today will not necessarily be the friends we have tomorrow. As we get older, our friendships change, and we leave some people behind. While you may not want to trust everyone, you have to trust at least a few people. Because trusting no one is the quickest way to build walls around yourself that no one can break through. So learn to let down your guard for those who are your allies.

But remember, the people we meet may be gone, but not forgotten. People may be out of your life, but they’re still in your head. The things they say and do affect your thinking, behavior, and experience forever. They leave an indelible mark, which affects your future experience for better or for worse, whether you like it or not. 

What can we do to move on from them and build a better future?

It starts by carefully choosing who and what comes into your life. Keeping our guard up will protect us from the ones who want to see us fail, but it will also keep out the ones who will support us when we need it. That might just keep us from connecting with the best people. So we need to take the risk. 

Be cautiously open-minded. Give people the benefit of the doubt, choosing to trust people until proven otherwise. That’s definitely something I struggle with. We cannot keep everyone around us at arm’s length. It’s quality over quantity. 

But recognize that people can leave a lasting impact, and it might be a little unsettling to think about, but it’s true. That terrible boss you had years ago, might now be who you think of when your inner critic really gets going in your head. They may be gone from our lives, but they aren’t forgotten. 

What do we do with all the people who no longer align with our values, or really never did? How do we handle them? 

Even when these people are out of our lives, they can remain in our heads. You may have gone to great lengths to kick them to the curb, change jobs, or switch departments to get away from that boss. It’s time to move on from that resentment and stop holding grudges. That animosity you’re carrying around is only hurting you. 

Can you see that they don’t even realize you’re still thinking about them? 

Letting them go allows you to regain control of the areas of your life where they may have had the most influence. Don’t let them continue to control your life. Explicitly say to yourself, “I’m no longer thinking about you”. It may sound silly, but trust me, it can be wonderfully freeing. 

Thoughtfully reflect on the experience and try to learn from them. Believe me, there are lessons to be learned from those difficult people, even if it’s just for you to find something positive about them, that you can appreciate. It could also be that you need to learn to make sure that other similar people or experiences don’t happen to you again. 

We will get more of what we focus on, so stop giving them so much of your attention. If all your focus is on the difficult people, you will attract more of the same to you. You’ll become an expert on the problem. But if you focus on the solution, you can become an expert on the solution instead. So find solutions. Create the life you want to live, with the sort of people that you want to be spending your time with. 

But you have to do your part. In order to be the friend you want, you also need to be willing to be vulnerable. It’s about showing up as needed for other people, to the best of your ability. I don’t find this easy. It doesn’t come naturally to me, but I’m getting better. I’ve had to do the work on myself to make me into a better friend, because friendship is a reciprocal agreement. 

To have the people you need in your sphere, make sure you are leveling up yourself. Look for people who believe in you and what you have to offer, maybe more than you believe in yourself, at this point. And make sure they are the type of people who are willing to do the work themselves too. 

Pick the best people you know, and hold onto them. Curate a group of your people, those who will check on you, challenge you, and most importantly, encourage you, and cheer you on. You don’t need to hold onto those people who just want to knock you down a few pegs, because of their own insecurities. 

Find your people and hold them close. Know that you belong somewhere. You will rise together. If you want to make progress towards your goals, surround yourself with people who have similar aspirations, to help you stay on track. 

Connecting with people can be challenging, but your people are out there. Not all of them are going to be great, but you will find the ones who are. 

Be prepared for some significant people in your life to not like the changes in you. While your life might feel more manageable, now that you’ve adopted this new positive attitude that’s helping you to take action and make more substantial changes in your life, you may suddenly find that the significant people in your life don’t seem to like this new you. 

Even though the old you was a hot mess, they got used to it. And now the way they interact with you is different. They may get upset. It may also be because you’re already doing what they wish they could do. But don’t let that keep you from moving forward. Your goal is to move yourself from pain to power. 

It’s amazingly empowering to have the support of a strong, motivated, and inspirational group of people. It might make you realize that these people are not that. Awareness is the key to the situation. When we become aware, things automatically start to take care of themselves. You may notice that you no longer want to be around people who complain, and blame others, or constantly make excuses for why they aren’t getting what they want in life.

Be aware that negativity is contagious, and so is positivity, by the way. You’ll need to become more discerning about who you spend your time with. Everyone you interact with leaves an impact. The people in your life are a good indicator of where you’re operating on an emotional level, because like attracts like. 

As you begin to change, you’ll automatically be drawn to a different kind of person. And as you step back from some, they will find new friends to hang out with. It’s not your job to convince them to consider new possibilities. Ideally, they may join you on your journey toward reclaiming their power and taking action toward achieving their dreams. 

And while it may feel good to be able to share your progress with them, don’t worry about your negative friends. As soon as you stop agreeing and feeding into their victim act, they will either disappear or join you on the journey. But the choice is theirs. 

So find your people. Humans are hardwired to belong. Without belonging, we feel isolated and lonely. Who are our people? And how do we find them? There is no formula for finding belonging. It begins with feeling safe enough to be the real you, without judgment; having shared values and beliefs; having shared fascinations, interests, activities, desires, curiosities; having shared experiences, or at least similar stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. 

We’re all more attracted to people who seem similar to us. So reach out, embrace who you are, and find people who share your interests. But don’t stop there. Make an effort to reach out to people who challenge your way of thinking and expand your perspective, people who can give you a new view of the world, if you’re open to it. It won’t be easy or fast. And be aware that it may lead to rejection, and expect that discomfort, because it will add to your life in a way that nothing else can. So it will all be worth it.

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide for Finding Your People at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode thirteen.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch. I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com. And if you liked the show, please tell a friend, subscribe, rate, and review. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thank you for joining me.