Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode one hundred and sixteen. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

Negotiation is an art that we engage in more often than we might realize, stretching far beyond the boardroom into the nuances of our daily interactions. Whether you’re deliberating over a job offer, discussing household responsibilities with your partner, or even convincing your child to eat their vegetables, negotiation is ever-present. Yet, despite its ubiquity, many of us approach negotiations with a sense of dread, filled with angst and uncertainty. This trepidation is not just confined to novices; even those who negotiate regularly can feel beaten up after a particularly tough session or rue missed opportunities to broker a better deal.

In this episode, we delve into the significance of establishing a ‘walk away’ point in negotiations as a strategy to help you reach an outcome you can live with. By defining this boundary in advance and understanding you have another alternative to consider, you can enter negotiations well-prepared and confident that you won’t be swayed by your emotions in the moment. 

Entering a negotiation with a clear plan requires knowing what you want and when you want it. This not only provides that much needed direction for starting the discussion but also empowers you. This plan serves as a framework to guide your decisions and help you choose the tactics you will employ throughout the negotiation process while still being flexible. 

Many of us have experienced the unsettling feeling of uncertainty before a negotiation. Perhaps it’s the fear of confrontation or the worry of not achieving an ideal outcome. This fear is often magnified by a common misconception that negotiation is a skill only for the suave business executive closing multimillion dollar deals. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Negotiation is a fundamental life skill, necessary for navigating both professional situations and personal relationships effectively. 

Think back to when you were a kid and you wanted something, or perhaps you have your own kids who want you to give them what they want. My kids have always been formidable negotiators and they didn’t need any formal training in those early years. It seemed to come so naturally to them. So, what can we learn from how kids tackle the negotiation process? Perhaps it’s their fearless approach. An 8-year-old, for instance, is typically unencumbered by the doubts that plague adults. They ask directly for what they want and they are not deterred by setbacks. My kids are still pretty persistent, creative, and surprisingly adept at getting what they want, even when we’re not initially onboard with their ideas. There’s much we can learn from their tenacity. 

As we grow, societal norms and the expectations of others often begin to shape and, unfortunately, limit our negotiation strategies. We’re told what we can and can’t do, and we learn what we should and shouldn’t say. These restrictions are often well-intentioned, but can instill a sense of hesitance and doubt. This doubt can evolve into a more pervasive tentativeness to express our true desires and needs, making us less confident and effective as negotiators. 

The impacts of this are not trivial. For many, becoming a less confident negotiator can directly affect financial opportunities. But it’s not just about money, though negotiation skills can certainly influence our earning potential. It’s also about living a life that aligns more closely with our values and desires. 

So, how do we overcome these barriers and rediscover our innate ability to negotiate effectively? The key lies in confronting and erasing the fears and preconceptions we’ve built around negotiation. It requires us to tap into the master negotiator within us, that fearless 8-year-old who knew intuitively how to ask for and keep at it, until they got what they wanted.

Rediscovering this ability starts with recognizing that negotiation isn’t about confrontation or winning at the expense of someone else. It’s about finding mutually beneficial solutions, engaging in effective communication, and fostering understanding and cooperation. It involves setting clear goals, understanding the needs and motivations of the other party, and crafting strategies that are flexible yet focused. 

One practical approach is to start small. Engage in minor negotiations in everyday life, whether it’s asking for a better table at a restaurant or negotiating chores with your partner or roommate. These small wins can build your confidence and help refine your skills, making you better prepared for larger, more significant negotiations when the opportunity presents itself. 

I’ve found that observing skilled negotiators can provide important insights and strategies that I’ve used to refine my own approach. Understanding the psychology behind negotiation and the various techniques for influence and persuasion have also significantly boosted my confidence and effectiveness.

In essence, negotiation is a skill that can and should be developed, not just for career advancement, but for improving our personal lives and our relationships. By shaking off the anxieties and misconceptions associated with negotiation, and by channeling the uninhibited zeal of our younger selves, we can transform not only the outcomes of our negotiations, but also the quality of our interactions and overall life satisfaction. Perhaps it’s a matter of deciding that the master negotiator within us is merely dormant, not gone. It’s time to awaken it and embrace the multitude of opportunities that effective negotiation skills make possible. 

At its core, every negotiation begins with a vision, an ideal outcome we wish to achieve. Whether it’s securing a better salary, negotiating the terms of our involvement in a new project so it fits in with everything else we have on our plates, or even deciding family vacation plans, we enter negotiations fueled by our desires for an optimal future. However, as most seasoned negotiators will acknowledge, there is a gap between what we wish for and what is attainable, influenced heavily by forces beyond our control and the realities of the workplace. 

This acknowledgement of external realities often sets the tone for the negotiation process. It is easy to feel overwhelmed by circumstances or market forces that seem to predetermine the outcome of a negotiation even before it begins. This feeling can lead to a sense of powerlessness, where we might start believing that the other party holds all the cards, or worse, that achieving any positive outcome is futile. Such thoughts are not only disheartening, but can sabotage the negotiation process from the start.

Fear is a common companion in negotiations, particularly when we entertain the notion that articulating our true desires is pointless. This fear can be compounded by the daunting thought of having to walk away from a negotiation that isn’t going to get us what we want. Early on, I don’t think I even realized that walking away was an option once negotiations began. It felt to me that once I’d opened that can of worms, I’d have to live with whatever was decided. This misconception I held as truth stemmed from a lack of understanding about the negotiation process and led me to accepting less than favorable conditions simply because I felt too committed to retreat. 

The reality of negotiation is that it involves constant evaluation and reassessment. It’s crucial to understand when to continue pushing and when to cut your losses. Quitting while you’re ahead or knowing when to walk away is an essential skill that requires both courage and strategic foresight. Understanding the marketplace and external forces is key to this aspect. Doing your homework can allow you to predict likely outcomes, making the negotiation journey less daunting and more strategic. 

Your ‘walk away’ point is fundamental in any negotiation strategy. This is not a line you draw in the heat of the moment, but a boundary set in advance while you’re calm and rational. It’s the point beyond which the deal no longer serves your interests, whether this involves financial considerations or avoiding a blow to your pride. Determining this point beforehand is vital; it equips you with the clarity to steer the negotiation without emotional interference, giving you the leverage to walk away when necessary, which in turn imbues you with confidence and power.

This clarity helps in setting the tone of the negotiation, ensuring you don’t settle for less than what you’ve predetermined to be acceptable. It also levels the playing field, as it prevents you from making concessions based on the other party’s perceptions of what you deserve. 

To maximize your effectiveness in any negotiation, it’s imperative to be clear about what you want from the outset and ensure that it’s not completely unreasonable. Waiting to hear the other party’s position before defining your own is a passive strategy that often leads to suboptimal outcomes. By deciding your goals and boundaries ahead of time, you dictate the flow of the negotiation, making decisions that align with your interests rather than reacting to proposals laid out by others. By being well-prepared, you make it easier to make opening offers, bargain with confidence, and ultimately secure the deal you’re looking for.

Interestingly, salary negotiations often transcend monetary aspects. While financial gains are common goals, the essence of negotiation frequently involves seeking validation, respect, and fulfillment of non-material needs. Looking for shortcuts or underestimating the importance of preparation can undermine these broader objectives. 

The path to effective negotiation is paved with preparation, understanding of the external environment, and a clear definition of your limits. By embracing these elements, you equip yourself to not only face negotiations with a stronger hand, but also to ensure that the outcomes are both satisfying and aligned with your deepest interests. 

Entering into negotiation often feels like venturing into uncharted territory. There’s a common misconception that negotiation involves implementing some secret formula that only a select few understand. The reality, however, is much more accessible. Negotiation is a skill, and like any skill, it can be developed and refined with practice and preparation. 

Much of the advice I got over the years was about developing a specific style, as if the key to successful negotiation lies in adopting a stronger persona. Yet, I would later discover that the essence of effective negotiation transcends style. It’s about clear communication, understanding what it is you’re after, and strategic preparation. 

So, what do you really think negotiating is all about? Contrary to common belief, negotiation isn’t just a business tool; it’s a daily activity. Whether convincing someone to see your point of view or divvying up daily tasks, negotiation is integral to all our interactions. 

For those who don’t regularly engage in formal negotiations, the prospect can be rather daunting, especially in high stakes environments like salary negotiations. The intimidation stems not just from the act itself, but from a lack of confidence in our ability to influence outcomes. Many believe that the greatest impact in a negotiation happens in the room, with being able to think fast on your feet. However, the true leverage often comes from the work done beforehand. 

Before you even enter the room, allowing yourself to envision what an ideal outcome looks like can be incredibly empowering. Think about what would make the perfect deal, then scale back to identify one key aspect that would make it feel like a win. This process not only sets a positive tone, but also helps in defining realistic expectations. 

Before you have the discussion about salary, do your homework. Conduct thorough research so you have a good understanding of the market conditions, average salaries, and the highest compensation others in similar roles are receiving. This can give you a clear perspective on what’s realistically achievable. This information may not be easy to come by as it has been historically shrouded in confidentiality, but having this insight is what can really level the playing field. It’s particularly important in addressing pay disparities such as those that still exist between men and women doing the same job. 

The more information you have, the better equipped you are to enter your negotiation with a solid foundation. You can’t bluff or bully your way through a negotiation without eventually facing the consequences of such tactics. 

Setting your minimum baseline for acceptance and identifying your alternative are what give you the power. Remember, you always have options. The ‘walk away’ point isn’t just about numbers. It encompasses other critical factors that contribute to job satisfaction and personal growth and well-being. Writing these down not only clarifies them for you, but also gives you confidence. You need to know precisely when a negotiation is no longer serving your best interests. 

It’s also important to recognize that each negotiation is a unique interaction between individuals, not just a transaction. The person across the table is not the entire company, but someone with their own pressures and objectives. Be clear about your needs and wants, and while they may not be able to give you everything you’re asking for, assume that they will make their best effort to meet you part of the way. Their concerns might include making a deal that could be viewed unfavorably by their boss or failing to secure a deal at all. Understanding their perspective and constraints can provide you with leverage and make the negotiation more of a dialogue than a confrontation. 

Emotional preparation is just as important. Recognize that negotiations can evoke strong feelings. Remember, your presence in the negotiation room already signifies your value. You wouldn’t be negotiating if they weren’t interested in what you have to offer. 

One of the most powerful tools at your disposal in any negotiation isn’t just your ability to persuade, but your readiness to walk away. Recognizing when you’re not likely to get what you want, and being prepared to call it quits, can fundamentally shift the dynamics of any negotiation, ensuring you maintain control over your objectives and self-respect. 

It might seem counterintuitive, but setting your ‘walk away’ point before you even enter the negotiation room is crucial. Most of us are coached to enter negotiations with optimism, focusing on the best case scenario rather than contemplating a potential exit. However, establishing a clear boundary from the start is not about pessimism; it’s about empowering yourself. It ensures you are not pressured into a deal that doesn’t serve your best interests. 

A well-defined ‘walk away’ point does more than just provide an escape route; it fundamentally levels this playing field. It sends a clear message: You cannot be coerced into accepting less than what meets your threshold of acceptability. As I said, the other party wouldn’t be negotiating with you if they didn’t see value in what you have to offer. They may want what you have a little or a lot, but the key is that they want it. By defining your ‘walk away’ point, you decide beforehand that you will not relinquish what they desire unless they meet your core requirements. This isn’t just leverage; it’s a strategic advantage. 

Knowing when to walk away becomes particularly important as negotiations reach critical points. Without a predefined ‘walk away’ point, you risk becoming mired in indecision, potentially leading you to panic and make decisions you may later regret. But with that point firmly established ahead of time, you can recognize when negotiations are veering towards your limits. It becomes easier to shift your focus, make strategic concessions in other areas, or even enhance your demands in ways that compensate for the pressures being applied. 

Defining your ‘walk away’ point involves several steps. First, acknowledge that you always have choices. This perspective is vital because it reinforces your power in the negotiation. Next, evaluate those choices. What are your alternatives if this negotiation doesn’t pan out? This step is about identifying your plan B, the option you’ll turn to if negotiations fail to yield the desired results. Finally, decide your ‘or else’ – that point at which the current negotiation ceases to be worth your effort and engagement. 

This ‘or else’ isn’t just about having an alternative; it’s about knowing it so well that it becomes part of your negotiation strategy. When you’re clear about where you’ll turn if things don’t work out, you bring a level of confidence and calm to the negotiation table that can be disarming and powerful. It’s about having a clear, actionable plan that not only prepares you for walking away, but also significantly enhances your negotiating stance by clarifying your limits. 

Financial imperatives often drive your ‘walk away’ position, but the most crucial elements are those that pertain to your self-image and pride. If accepting a salary lower than a certain amount would make you feel undervalued, that’s a significant indicator. Setting this boundary isn’t about what others think is reasonable; it’s about what feels right for you. This is why it’s critical to not just think about your ‘walk away’ point, but also to write it down. Documenting this limit solidifies it in your mind and creates a psychological commitment to uphold it.

Your level of preparation extends beyond determining when to walk away. It involves thoroughly understanding the negotiation subject matter, which allows you to speak confidently, answer questions effectively, and address objections with clarity. The more you know your stuff, the more easily you can navigate the negotiation, enhancing your overall control of the process. 

It’s also worth noting that knowing your ‘walk away’ point doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll need to use it. In many cases, just having it in your back pocket is enough. It acts as a subconscious signal to yourself and the other party that you have limits and standards that must be respected. This can often lead negotiations to start at a more reasonable and fair level, reducing the need to resort to your plan B. 

Establishing your ‘walk away’ point isn’t about gearing up for battle or setting the stage for a dramatic exit; it’s about empowering yourself to negotiate from a position of strength and certainty. It ensures that you are never at the mercy of the other party, as you are fully prepared to take an alternative route if your key conditions are not met. This preparation, clarity, and resolve confer genuine power in negotiations, transforming how you approach each discussion and ultimately enhancing the outcomes you achieve.

Finally, remember that negotiation outcomes aren’t just about what you get in the end; they’re also about how you feel throughout the process. If you leave a negotiation feeling respected and heard, even if you didn’t get everything you wanted, it can still be considered a success. Conversely, a win that leaves you feeling disrespected and undervalued, can taint even the most favorable outcomes.

After each negotiation, take the time to evaluate the process objectively. Learning from each experience, understanding what worked and what didn’t, so you can adjust your approach when you find yourself in future negotiations can transform these sometimes daunting encounters into opportunities to build your self-confidence. 

By embracing preparation, clarity, and authenticity, you can navigate the complexities of negotiation with confidence and grace, and, more often than not, you’ll get what you’re after. 

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Approaching a Negotiation at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode one hundred and sixteen.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com.

If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It’s my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what’s holding you back in your career, and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I’d love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.