Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success Podcast, episode seventy-three. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

Do you buy into the myth that you have to do everything completely on your own? Many of us have this misguided belief that self-sufficiency and self-reliance are the goal. We think we have to demonstrate that we are capable of anything and everything, and that asking for help is a sign of weakness or incompetence. That myth is keeping us from succeeding and it’s causing us a lot of harm in the process. 

In this episode, we’ll explore why it’s so hard to ask for the help you want and, frankly, the help you need to get your work done. It’s one of the biggest obstacles in navigating the corporate environment. Maybe it’s a combination of not knowing how to ask for help or being concerned with how that request will land. 

There are many layers of reasons why we are so reluctant to ask for help but, with a little practice, we can get better at asking for, and actually getting, the help we need. I, for one, find this hard. I don’t think I’m alone in this. The reality is that none of us have all the answers, and while we could probably figure out some, or even all, of the things on our own, why do we think we have to go it alone? 

There are people out there ready and willing to help. People who have been through the same stuff and faced the same obstacles and have lived to tell about it. Why wouldn’t we ask for guidance and potentially save ourselves time, unnecessary stress, and disappointment while also building deeper professional relationships along the way? 

Maybe it’s the fear of rejection. Many of us in these male-dominated work environments worry that if we ask for help, we’ll be perceived as weak or incompetent and fear being rejected by our colleagues or superiors. We fear that asking for help will confirm their suspicions that we’re just not up to the task if we need to ask for assistance. And unfortunately, that is sometimes the consequence. 

So many of us have had to prove ourselves over and over again, at every step in our career journey. Instead of assuming we’re capable, we seem to have to continuously demonstrate our competence and our fierce independence. Asking for help feels like it makes us vulnerable, like an admission of weakness, or a lack of knowledge or skills that negates all the hard work that we’ve done to prove that we belong, and just reinforces those gender stereotypes we’re trying so hard to neutralize. 

Some people feel that asking for help will burden their colleagues or take up too much of their time, which can lead to feelings of guilt or shame. In the corporate world, there’s a lot of emphasis placed on being independent self-starters. We tend to overestimate how much of a burden our request might be to other people. Then, we make that mean that everyone has to do it on their own. But that’s just not how the real world works, and it’s not how the workplace works. Nobody does anything big, significant, or meaningful alone. 

In some workplaces, there may be a lack of trust among colleagues, which can make it difficult to ask for help without fear of being criticized or judged. Many of us have so much self-doubt and any criticism fuels that imposter syndrome we already have brewing.

And sometimes, if we’re honest, we don’t want to ask for help because we think we don’t have anything to offer them in return. We see it as transactional, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Not everyone is keeping score, and it’s not always a quid pro quo. 

It’s time for us to acknowledge that it’s just not possible for anybody to know everything. We’re always growing. We’re always learning. That means we should also always be looking for help from others who know more about a particular subject than we do. And yet, it’s fear that often prevents us from asking for help even when we know we need it. 

While it can be difficult to ask for help in the workplace, there are many positive outcomes that can come from doing so. And by not asking, we’re actually doing a disservice, not just to us, but to so many other people who would really love to help us, who have the knowledge, insights, resources, or connections that would be really helpful to us. 

I find it so interesting that the people who find it most uncomfortable to ask for help are the same ones who are more than willing to drop whatever they are doing to help others. They’re happy to help others, but they can’t seem to ask for help themselves. Why do we assume that other people wouldn’t be as eager to help, when they can, as we are? 

There are so many benefits waiting for us when we are able to overcome our fear of asking for help. It’s time we recognized that asking for help when we need it can lead to better performance and outcomes. 

When we work with others who have different skills and expertise, we can learn new approaches to problem solving and gain insights that we may not have considered otherwise. When we are willing to ask for help from our colleagues, we have an opportunity to feel more valued and supported in our work. This can help build stronger professional relationships with the people we work with. When we try to do everything on our own, we can sometimes feel overwhelmed and stressed, while someone else might have a suggestion that could help us make our work feel more manageable and less daunting. 

To overcome the difficulty of asking for help, we might want to focus on the potential benefits and to reframe asking for help as a strength rather than a weakness. Practicing vulnerability can also help build trust and strengthen relationships with colleagues, making it easier to ask for help in the future. I know for me personally, I was more willing to trust someone who was willing to let me know when they needed help, rather than just assuming they knew what to do and perhaps wasting time heading in the wrong direction. 

In what areas of your life are you struggling? Maybe it’s coping with your ever increasing workload or everything that’s involved in running a household. If I had to guess, it’s probably a combination of those and probably much more. Our lives are complicated and multifaceted. It can be important to know how the struggles you face are playing out in your life. Where have you reached your limits with your time, energy, capabilities, or emotional capacity? In what ways are you not receiving the help you actually need?

I challenge you to ask yourself, what beliefs and barriers are getting in the way of me asking for help? What do I make asking for help mean about me? 

We all have a tendency to keep taking on more and more without considering the impact it has on our mental health. Many of us were taught growing up that asking for help means you seem needy or vulnerable, both of which are to be avoided at all cost. That’s more common than you might think. 

While it can feel good to be needed, it might be time to reflect on the boundaries, or lack thereof, that you have in place to protect yourself. When we have poor boundaries or no boundaries in place, we can sometimes keep taking on greater responsibilities and obligations even when we’re already feeling overburdened. But if we’re not doing something about it, if we’re not speaking up about it, then it’s a boundary issue. 

So first things first, we have to establish solid boundaries to protect ourselves. But even with good boundaries in place, we may still require assistance to get it all done. It might surprise you to know that we can be high-functioning, high-achieving women while still knowing when we are struggling and who to ask for help. Sometimes we just have to get out of our own way and ask for the help we need. 

Recognize that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. It actually takes a lot of courage to recognize when you need help and to reach out to others for assistance. When seeking help, it’s important to identify the right person to ask. This could be a colleague who has the expertise you need, a manager who can provide the resources, or a mentor who can offer guidance and support in helping you deal with challenging people or situations. 

Be clear and specific about what you need help with, rather than making a vague open-ended request. How you ask for help can be a determining factor in how likely you are to actually get the support or guidance you’re looking for. Make it clear what you need them to do so they can understand what they might be saying yes to. This means you have to put in the time to figure out exactly what you need so that you’re sure about what you’re asking them to do for you. This will also help the person you’re asking to understand your needs and provide the most relevant help. 

Consider the other person’s perspective. People are busy and they have real constraints on their time, so if they have no idea how long it might take to help you out, they are more than likely to decline. The uncertainty might be too much, even if they might be more than willing to help in a small way. Try to understand their needs, workload, and priorities. And if they’re unable to help, be understanding and respectful. 

Similarly, be respectful of their time. Don’t ask questions that you can find the answers to in a quick internet search. Ensure you have done the work before you make your request. Limit that request to a handful of very specific questions that you’re still curious about, that you think they might be able to help you answer. That shows that you have a real intention behind wanting those answers.

It also gives a strong indication that you will continue to invest the time, energy, and effort to follow through on the advice that they may be able to provide. It just might convince them that having the conversation will be time well spent on their part. They will want to know that you are willing to put their advice into action, to continue down this path, and actually make it happen, with the specific help or direction you’re looking for from them.

You don’t want them to think you’re asking them to do all the work for you because you’re just looking for a shortcut. There is a real possibility that they will think you’re lazy if you haven’t done any work yet on your own. Don’t make your ask too soon because you have to demonstrate that you have done the work to help yourself first. 

Think about how you can make it easy for them to say yes to your request. How can you present your ask in such a way that they have all the information they need to say yes? It’s all in the way you frame it. 

It can feel vulnerable to reach out to someone and ask for help. Sometimes, you have to openly admit, “I don’t know, but here’s what I’m thinking. Here’s how I’ve approached this, but I don’t have any experience doing this, so would you mind taking a few minutes to look at it and make sure I’m on the right track?” 

Be clear about what you want from them and where you think they can add value. It’s easier for them to help with the things that you might have missed because you’re not asking them to start at square one and explain all the details that you could easily get on your own. In this way, you’re sharing that you’ve already done some of the work. 

People are scared to ask sometimes. I know I was. I was scared to admit that I had no idea what I was doing at times. I really didn’t want someone to think that I didn’t know everything, even if it was completely unrealistic. It’s about being vulnerable and that’s uncomfortable for all of us.

Practice self-compassion. It’s normal to feel vulnerable when asking for help. Be kind to yourself. Remember that everyone needs help at some point, and there’s no shame in asking for it. Don’t be afraid to let others know you don’t know because, quite possibly, they already know that. 

Hold the belief that most people want to help, if they can. Many people approach asking for help with the mindset that they’re just going to say no anyway, so why bother? Believe me when I say that works against you. People can feel that energy. They can read it in your body language, even if you don’t start your request with a defeated tone like, “I know you’re really busy and you probably don’t have time for this, but could you do this for me?” 

Instead, try to approach it in a way that, if they can help you, they will, and if they can’t, they’re going to tell you that. It might seem like they have a lot of people asking them for things, but make your ask anyway. Studies have shown that people feel good after they help someone, so if they can help, they will help. This is not a burden for them when you frame it in the right way.

That being said, do your part and follow up with them to let them know you applied their advice. Everyone wants to feel like they’re contributing to something, that they’re giving something back, that they’re making the world a better place, in whatever capacity they can. People want to help, so let them know if what they’ve suggested was helpful, or at least that you listened to what they offered and you tried it. You may not have gotten the expected outcome, but that’s not the most important part. They will be more willing to help you again when they know you’re actually doing something with the information they provide. 

I made that mistake more than once. I would ask people for advice and they’d give me a bunch of suggestions and I wouldn’t do any of it. Then, I tried to talk to them again, sometime later, and ask all the same questions over again. It got to a point where they would tell me their opinion was the same now, as it was then, and that they just didn’t want to talk about it anymore. That’s when I realized that I wasn’t actually looking for their insight, but rather I was looking to validate my own decision that I hadn’t quite owned yet. 

If someone is looking for insight, then they do actually want your thoughts, opinions, and suggestions for what you think they should do. But if it’s validation they’re looking for, they’ve already made up their minds and decided what they want to do. They’re just looking for you to validate that decision. And if you don’t validate their beliefs, choices, or the direction they want to move forward with, then, while you may offer your opinion, they will likely completely ignore it, or go in a completely different direction. Then, when they circle back to you wanting more input, you’ll be far less inclined to give it to them, only to have it ignored again. 

So, if you’re going to ask for help, go into that ask open to listening and really thinking about the advice that’s being offered. If it feels reasonable to you, take that input or guidance and put it into action. If you walk away from the entire experience having done nothing, then that person who gave of their time and insight doesn’t ever get that good feeling of having helped you. 

I’m not trying to minimize the courage required to ask for help. If you’re like me and find it challenging, start small. Ask for assistance with a small task or a minor problem. As you become more comfortable, gradually increase the level of support you seek. 

By all means, find the courage to make the ask. You might be surprised how willing people are to help you. It might just change the trajectory of your career. Be bold when it comes to asking for what you need. 

Make the right ask, at the right time, to someone willing and able to help you. It could very well be career-changing, even life-changing. You just never know. 

The person you ask may have gotten some help early on in their career by someone who modeled to them how you should help others. So, do the same. If you are brave enough to ask and get some great advice, be sure to pay it forward. 

It’s important to remember that everyone needs help from time to time and asking for help is a sign of strength and self-awareness. It can actually build trust with those you work with. When you ask for help, you open yourself up to new perspectives and solutions that can help you overcome challenges and achieve your goals more quickly, and possibly, with less effort. You just might avoid having to learn the same lessons they had to learn the hard way. 

Also, be willing to offer help to others when they need it. Helping others can be a powerful way to build connections and contribute to the success of those around you. By offering your skills, expertise, or support, you can build relationships and create a sense of community that can benefit everyone involved. 

It’s also important to be grateful for the help you receive and to express gratitude to those who provided that assistance. This acknowledges the value of their contribution and shows that you truly appreciate their support.

Let people know where you are, where you want to be, how you plan to get there, and how they can be of help. Because people want to help. It makes them feel good. 

Don’t put off asking for the help you need because you don’t want to seem weak. Think of all the extra work it might save you, and all the opportunities that might open up for you, if you’re brave enough to ask.

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Asking For Help at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode seventy-three.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com.

If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It’s my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what’s holding you back in your career, and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I’d love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.