Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode twenty. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

What does having it all mean to you? Do you have to do it all, in order to have it all? These are pretty loaded questions, and I think everyone has their own answer. We can get caught up in other people’s definition for success and start thinking that we need to be perfect in all facets of our lives. Sometimes something has to give somewhere in order for us to succeed at something else. 

In this episode, we’re going to examine how our all-or-nothing thinking can lead us down a path of seeking impossible levels of perfection in all areas of our lives, when really there are places where good enough will suffice, and it just might be more sustainable. 

Have you ever asked yourself, “How do you want to be remembered?”? I guess I’ve been fortunate enough not to have experienced many eulogies, but from the few I’ve been present for, the emphasis was certainly not on regurgitating their resume. The focus was really on the experiences that the people who cared about that person remembered sharing with them. It was about the everyday things that they did together. 

There was a lot of talk about what they were like as a person. I’ve heard people described as an incredible person, the kindest person, or very devoted to their family. They may have been brilliant and had a very successful career, or ran a very successful business that provided a great lifestyle for their family, but in a typical ten-minute eulogy, people might spend maybe one minute summarizing their incredibly impressive resume and education, while the rest of the time is spent talking about the kind of person they were, and perhaps their various roles. 

So in the end, what do most people remember? What is important to the ones who are left behind? How will anyone know what was important to you, beyond a house full of stuff that they now have to deal with? What do you hope people will say about you? And what do you want to be known for? 

Based on what you hope your loved ones would say, the next thing to really consider is, are you living that life now? Are you creating those memories? Are you that person now, or what’s missing? Is there anything that you need to change? And is there anything that you still need to do, or to say, or to share? 

So it really is about living very deliberately. Choosing how to live, and asking yourself if you’re living a life aligned with your values. This is your chance to take stock and live the life that you want to be remembered for. You get to have some say right now in how you want to live your life deliberately. 

What does having it all mean to you? I invite you to look at this from a slightly different perspective, considering what we’ve talked about, about how you want to be remembered. This is very personal. It’s about living a life that is true to you, not what others expect of you. How can you incorporate more of that into your life now? 

A lot of us get stuck in the all-or-nothing thinking. Perfectionism is a deep rooted fear about not being good enough, worthy, lovable, or accepted for who we are. It isn’t really about achieving success. It’s a drive that comes from a fear of failure. Most people are reluctant to work on it. 

They think that it’s part of what’s driving their success, but it’s actually getting in the way of their success. It’s keeping them from making progress, and keeping them playing small. They think it demonstrates their dedication to always wanting to get it right. And they think it shows a lot of persistence. I know because I was one of them. 

Many tasks need to be done correctly and some need to be done to the best of our ability. But really, perfectionism is an emotional coping mechanism, not a personality trait. That’s great news because personality traits can be hard to modify, but perfectionism is a behavior that we use in response to our negative beliefs about ourselves. It’s a way of coping in response to painful negative emotions that come up, and it holds us back in life in so many areas. 

Perfectionism can really drive us to procrastinate on things that we want to do, but don’t have to do, as well as on the things that we have to do. It may show up as a whole lot of excessive thinking and planning going on. And while it may feel like we’re doing something, it’s actually a form of avoidance. 

We’re avoiding getting started and actually doing the things. That’s when the panic sets in, because we spent so much time, but we have nothing to show for it. And that is sometimes when we get kicked into high gear, but other times it can be paralyzing and overwhelming. 

Fear and procrastination can hold you back and keep you getting in your own way. And keep you stuck, and blocking you from being able to pursue what it is you want to do. 

We’re all a work in progress. I don’t think any of us are immune to these challenges. It may seem counterintuitive to be procrastinating with perfectionism, but it’s all about avoiding failure. So then, we’re nervous about getting started. And when we’re trying to do things that are out of our comfort zone, we tend to procrastinate until that panic sets in. And if it doesn’t go well, we now have excuses: we didn’t have time, or we should have started earlier. It’s our attempt to deflect attention away from the areas that we aren’t all that good at. 

We play the victim, so we don’t have to shoulder any of the responsibility, beating ourselves up with all the woulda, coulda and shouldas. And we tend to default to that all-or-nothing style of thinking, that it’s either good or bad, or a success or failure. Very black and white, because it’s hard for us to sit in that in between zone, that gray zone. 

Sometimes it’s helpful to see what’s getting in our way when we want to pursue these goals but we’re not. It’s human nature that we find criticism more crushing than praise is uplifting, but there is a big difference between wanting to be excellent at something, versus wanting to be perfect.

Perfectionism is really focused externally. It’s a way of avoiding criticism, which is a completely different process than being internally focused and trying to do better for ourselves next time, while striving for excellence. 

If you’re anything like me, you may think you’re doing well in one area of life because you don’t seem to struggle with procrastination, but then you’re given a new project and that triggers your perfectionist tendencies. And then suddenly, you’re stuck. Take note of where your focus is, whether it’s external or internal. It’s better for yourself for it to be internal, then you’re not worrying about what other people will do or say. 

Comparison with others can really keep you stuck in this mentality and then not feeling good enough. All we’re hearing is that little voice in our heads saying, it could be just a little bit better. We’re exposing ourselves to that feared outcome. And then we get really concerned about what’s going to happen if we aren’t perfect, or if we put something out there that isn’t our best work. 

The best suggestion I can give you is to just do it. Put it out there. Expose yourself to that scary scenario and sit with the thoughts and emotions that come up with that.

If you tend to get really stuck, set a timer for yourself and just publish it when that timer goes off. Put it out there and see what the response is. See if the outcome you’re creating in your head is likely to happen. It usually isn’t. 

To be honest, even the thought of this gives me anxiety. I tend to write and rewrite because I love the challenge of finding the right word. I like to go back and see if I can do it better. The whole concept of a timer to create a deadline feels terrifying. I really don’t like the idea of putting something out there, and if there’s a mistake, having to leave it. 

My rational brain can accept that it’s not a statement of how intelligent or conscientious I am, because everyone makes mistakes. But it’s the emotions I struggle with. I just don’t like the idea of sitting in that discomfort. 

Fear is the root cause. It’s uncomfortable to sit with those thoughts and emotions. And I’m definitely having to learn this lesson over and over again. I’m hoping that eventually it’ll stick. 

I’ve heard the suggestion to pretend that you’re doing it live, with no retakes, and just go with it. But that really isn’t helping me either, because that’s a bit terrifying too. Can you do a one-and-done and put it out there? Maybe if I start with baby steps, and use a form of exposure therapy approach. Maybe the small wins will give me the confidence going forward. 

Here are three ways to start dealing with perfectionism. The first, develop awareness. And second, sit in that discomfort. Sit with your emotions for like two to three minutes and notice where you’re feeling it. Not pushing it away, and not problem-solving it away. And third, pause and put some space between the urge to react and the reaction. 

Next I’d like to introduce a concept that’s called “fit for purpose”. Not everything needs to be perfect and not everything needs to be excellent. Some things can just be fit for purpose. It’s a term that I learned from an architect friend of mine, while we were doing onsite construction inspections for occupancy, in the final stages of a construction project. It stuck with me because I think it captures what I’ve struggled with all these years, these perfectionist tendencies of mine. 

People love to talk about being world-class. I think it was the marketing people who kept getting a slap on the wrist for including that in proposals, by our professional insurance representatives. They didn’t like that term, if a project were to end up in litigation. Not everything needs to reach those standards. And what exactly are those standards? And having that language in your proposals can be a liability. 

By not trying to make everything world-class, it frees up the energy for the things that matter most. While we might want to make the world’s best widgets, but if we’re working on a status report, as long as it answers most of the stakeholders’ questions, then it’s fit for purpose. It’s good enough. 

There’s wisdom in this. This can be transformative for our personal lives as well. We’re much better off letting some aspects of our lives be good enough or fit for purpose, saving your greatest effort for the areas that are most important to you, those that you want to be remembered for. 

So start thinking this way. Adult life is not graded like a traditional report card. So think of it as a report card, where you’re only graded in a few core classes, maybe three or four, and everything else is pass/fail. There is no value in putting the effort into achieve an A in a pass/fail class, where a C level of effort will suffice. And if you have to invest your energy for what would be an A in a pass/fail class, then it’s taking time away from a class where the grade actually counts. 

So get comfortable with some C-level work. Meals, laundry, maybe even cleaning your house can be fit for purpose. Next time you decide how much time to spend on a given task, ask yourself, “What fit for purpose would look like? What are you trying to accomplish? And what will it take to do that?”. 

By aiming for fit for purpose, instead of perfect, you can free up time and energy to direct to other areas of your life, where you’d like to have it all and be present with the people that you love. Then ask yourself, “What’s the benefit I’m getting out of this?”. 

Young women are especially susceptible to messages that they can do it all and have it all. Then we think our performance must rise to impossible levels of perfection. Then we start doubting ourselves, which can lead to not making the most of the opportunities available to us. 

Don’t say no to opportunities that come along. Recognize that you’re lucky to have them. We’re so busy living in our own inner drama, making the most of whatever is available to you is a far more resilient approach. See every day as a learning experience. And don’t let a difficult work situation keep you from trying to get the most that you can out of the experience. 

I’ve only come to have this attitude in the past couple of years. It took me a long time to realize that my feelings about the experiences were a result of my own thinking. If you can start to develop it early, it’s a great attitude for getting through life, especially for those first jobs that are typically not very good. But there may be something fascinating about the people, or the way things are done, that you can learn. So focus on the potential for learning in any environment and get the most out of wherever you are. 

I’m my own worst enemy with this kind of all-or-nothing thinking. Do you get caught up in this as well? We’re all capable of brilliance, but stop expecting it of yourself all the time. Have some self-compassion. It’s not all-or-nothing. It’s more of a continuum. So stop being so unforgiving of yourself. 

How does that saying go? “Do your best and forget the rest.” 

Strive to feel comfortable, but come to terms with being inadequate sometimes. Hold onto your pursuit of high standards, but get rid of the shame when you fall short. Keep your desire for mastery, but recognize that there is a lot of time and effort required to get to that level. 

Value the importance of knowledge, but stop thinking that you need to know it all. And take pride in knowing that you can go it alone, if you have to, but stop thinking that you must. And honor your desire to be the very best that you can, on multiple fronts. But stop thinking you have to do it all. 

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide for What Having It All Means To You at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode twenty.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch. I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com. And if you liked the show, please tell a friend, subscribe, rate, and review. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thank you for joining me.