Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success Podcast, episode sixty-one. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

The way we think and speak about our past decisions and actions can have a significant impact on our mindset and productivity. The use of phrases like ‘should have’, ‘could have’, and ‘would have’ can lead to negative self-talk, self-blame and feelings of regret, which can hinder our ability to learn from our mistakes, take positive actions to move things forward, and achieve our goals. 

In this episode, we explore the impact these common phrases have on our mindset and how they can be detrimental to our productivity at work and how we can turn this thinking around to use it to our advantage. 

When we use the phrase ‘should have’, we are often focusing on what we think we should have done differently in the past. This can lead to feelings of guilt and self-blame, which can be counterproductive in the workplace. Instead of dwelling on the past and the results we wish we would’ve gotten, we can instead focus on what we can do differently right now to improve our performance going forward to achieve our goals.

Similarly, the use of ‘could have’ can lead to feelings of regret and self-doubt. When we focus on what we could have done differently in the past, we may question our ability to make good decisions. This can lead to missed opportunities and a lack of confidence in our ability to achieve our goals. 

In addition to the impact on our mindset, the use of ‘should have’ and ‘could have’ can also affect our productivity. When we focus on what we wish had happened in the past, we may become stuck in a cycle of negative self-talk and self-blame. This can lead to procrastination, avoidance of challenging tasks, and a lack of motivation to take positive action in the present. 

On the other hand, the use of ‘would have’ keeps us open to possibility, which can be a powerful tool to help us take responsibility for our choices and move forward with confidence, looking for opportunities for learning and growth. When we think about what we would’ve done differently in the past, we can use that information to make better decisions now and take action toward our goals. By focusing on what we can learn from our mistakes and how we can improve our performance, we can cultivate a growth mindset and achieve our goals more effectively leading to increased productivity, motivation, and a sense of empowerment in the workplace. 

The phrase ‘should have’ is a common part of our vocabulary, often used to express regret or disappointment over past decisions or actions. It’s a phrase that carries a heavy burden of expectation, suggesting that there is a right or wrong way to behave, and that we have failed to live up to those standards. It slips out more than we think and it can be interesting to take notice of how often we say ‘should’. 

In the workplace, ‘should have’ thinking can be particularly harmful to our confidence, productivity, and overall well being. There are many reasons why ‘should have’ thinking can be damaging and here are just a couple of examples: 

It’s often rooted in unrealistic or unattainable expectations. We may hold ourselves to impossibly high standards or compare ourselves to others who appear to have it all figured out, leading to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. When we focus on what we should have done, we are essentially telling ourselves that we are not good enough as we are, and that we need to be better in order to be worthy of respect and the success we’re striving for, and it can lead to a cycle of negative self-talk and self-blame. 

When we dwell on our mistakes or shortcomings, we are more likely to engage in critical or judgmental thinking about ourselves, which can reinforce feelings of guilt, shame, and low self-esteem. This negative self-talk can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy as we may begin to act in a way that reflects our negative beliefs about ourselves. 

To let go of ‘should have’ thinking and move towards a more positive and productive mindset, it can be helpful to focus on alternative ways of thinking and speaking that emphasize growth, learning, and progress. 

The phrase ‘could have’ is another common part of our vocabulary and often used to express regret or missed opportunities. While it may seem less harmful than ‘should have’ thinking, it can also be problematic in the workplace and in our personal lives. When we focus on what we could have done, we are still dwelling on the past and potentially missing out on opportunities right in front of us. 

The phrase ‘could have’ has its pitfalls in that it refers to wishing we had done something differently in the past and is often accompanied by feelings of regret, self-doubt and a sense of missing out. In the workplace, ‘could have’ thinking comes up when we regret not speaking up in a meeting, or not pursuing a bigger role in a particularly interesting project, or passing on an opportunity to advance our careers. This can have a negative impact on our confidence and productivity. 

One of the main pitfalls of ‘could have’ thinking is that it can lead to a cycle of regret and self-blame. When we focus on what we could have done differently, we may begin to question our abilities and our decisions fueling those feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy. This negative self-talk can then reinforce the belief that we are not capable or worthy of success, leaving us vulnerable to gaslighting and manipulation. 

Another pitfall of ‘could have’ thinking is that it can lead to a sense of helplessness or resignation. When we focus on missed opportunities in the past, we may begin to feel as though we have no control over our present or our future. This can lead to a lack of motivation or a reluctance to take risks or pursue new opportunities as we may feel that we are destined to repeat our past mistakes.

To avoid the pitfalls of ‘could have’ thinking it can be helpful to focus on alternative ways of thinking and speaking that emphasize taking responsibility for our choices and actions so we’re more motivated to move forward with confidence and a sense of empowerment. 

Eliminating phrases like ‘should have’ and ‘could have’ from our vocabulary can be challenging as they’re often deeply ingrained in our way of thinking and speaking. However, by making a conscious effort to reframe our thinking and becoming more careful in the language we choose, we can shift our mindset and improve our productivity in the workplace. 

Here are some tips for eliminating ‘should have’ and ‘could have’ from our vocabulary and replacing them with better phrasing: 

1. Take responsibility for your choices
2. Use positive language
3. Practice self-compassion
4. Reframe your thinking
5. Take action

So back to number one, take responsibility for your choices. Instead of blaming external factors or circumstances for missed opportunities, take responsibility for your choices and decisions. This can help you feel more empowered and in control of your outcomes. Reframe mistakes as opportunities for learning and growth by asking yourself what you can learn from the situation and how you can use that knowledge to make better decisions in the future. Instead of saying, “I could have done better if my team had given me more support”, say, “I could have done better if I had asked for more support from my team”. 

Number two, use positive language. Try using positive self-talk that emphasizes your strengths and capabilities, that’s more focused on growth and improvement. For example, instead of saying, “I should have known better” or “I should have done better”, try saying, “I did the best I could with the information I had” or “I’ve learned from this experience and I will make a better decision next time”. 

Number three, practice self-compassion. It’s important to acknowledge and learn from our mistakes, but it’s also important to practice being kind to ourselves and avoid the self-blame in thinking thoughts like, “I should have been able to handle that situation better”. Try treating yourself with compassion and understanding. Recognize that everyone makes mistakes and it’s okay to be imperfect. Try to learn from them and move on. 

Number four, reframe your thinking. When you notice yourself thinking negatively about the past, try to reframe those thoughts in a more positive light. Instead of dwelling on missed opportunities and focusing on what you should have or could have done differently, reframe your thinking to focus on how you can grow from the experience and apply those lessons to help you create more positive outcomes in the future. For example, instead of saying, “I should have taken that job offer”, say, “what I learned from that experience is that I will be more proactive in seeking out opportunities that align with my goals in the future”. Take a moment to ask yourself what actions you can take to move forward and pursue new opportunities. Focus on those actions and decisions that you can control in the moment. This can help you feel more empowered and capable of making positive changes. 

And finally, number five, take action. Don’t get stuck in analysis-paralysis. Do what you can to start taking action towards your goals right now. Even small steps can make a big difference in helping you feel more productive and empowered. By focusing on what you can do in this moment, you can create a more positive and productive mindset for the future. Instead of dwelling on the past, those missed opportunities, or what you should have done differently, start taking action to make positive changes in your workplace and in your life to create the outcomes you want. This can help you feel more in control and empowered to pursue new opportunities. Instead of saying, “I should have finished that project earlier”, say, “I will prioritize completing my next project in a timely manner”. 

By making a conscious effort to eliminate ‘should have’ and ‘could have’ from our vocabulary and replacing them with better phrasing, we can shift our mindset and improve our productivity in the workplace. It may take time and practice, but the benefits of reframing our thinking, and carefully choosing our language, can be significant, leading to increased motivation, confidence, and success. 

In addition, here are a few ways to shift your mindset, from dwelling on the past, to focusing more on the present and future: 

• Practice mindfulness: where you are more present and aware of your thoughts and feelings without judgment. When you notice yourself getting stuck in negative thoughts about the past, try to bring your focus back to the present moment. This can help you break the cycle of rumination and redirect your attention towards the things you can control. 
• Set goals: Having clear goals can help you focus on what you want to achieve in the future rather than getting stuck in your regrets about the past. Set relevant and exciting goals and make a plan to achieve them. This can help you feel more motivated and empowered to take action toward getting what it is you want in your career. 
• Practice gratitude: Focusing on the things you are grateful for in your life can help you shift your mindset toward positivity and forward thinking. Each day, try to identify a few things that you are thankful for, no matter how small they may be. Challenge yourself not to repeat anything for at least 30 days. This can help you cultivate a more positive outlook on life. 

The phrase ‘would have’ is also a common part of our vocabulary, but one that is often overlooked. It can be a powerful tool for learning and growth in the workplace and in our personal lives. Unlike ‘should have’ and ‘could have’ thinking which focuses on regret and missed opportunities, ‘would have’ thinking allows us to consider possibilities, while still reflecting on our past decisions and actions, to learn from them, and improve our performance in the future. 

The phrase ‘would have’ generally refers to a hypothetical scenario in which we imagine what we would’ve done differently in the past, not just a judgment on what we did or didn’t do. It’s often accompanied by a sense of curiosity and possibility and a desire to learn from our mistakes. In the workplace, ‘would have’ thinking can manifest in several ways. For example, you may reflect on a past decision and consider what you would’ve done differently, in hindsight. This can help you identify areas for improvement and make better decisions in the future. 

Instead of viewing our missteps or mistakes as failures, we can simply see them as opportunities for learning and growth, which can help us approach challenges with a sense of curiosity and a desire to improve, rather than a fear of failure. This can lead to better decision making, improved performance, and a greater sense of confidence and competence in the workplace. 

In my experience, the word ‘should’ feels like it’s shutting down my curiosity with criticism and judgment and not allowing room for possibility. By catching myself and redirecting my thoughts, I can reopen the experience. 

I want to leave you with three important takeaways regarding the impact using phrases like ‘should have’, ‘could have’, and ‘would have’ can have on our mindset and productivity: 

1. Beware of regret and self blame: which can negatively impact our mindset and productivity. The word ‘should’ tends to collapse our experience of choice and makes everything feel more like an obligation, and generally one we’re falling short of. When we are focused on that, we are not putting our attention on the present moment or figuring out what actions we could be taking to get closer to our goals. 
2. Beware of negative self-talk: which can further damage our mindset and productivity. When we repeatedly tell ourselves that we ‘should have’ or ‘could have’ done something differently, we are reinforcing negative beliefs about ourselves and our abilities, which feels more like we’re being pushed from behind and that judgment and criticism shuts down our curiosity. 
3. Take ownership of your choices: Using these common phrases can lead to a lack of accountability for our actions and the decisions we make. Instead of taking responsibility for our results and making changes moving forward, we may continue to focus on what we ‘should have’ or ‘could have’ done differently in the past, which can prevent us from making significant progress toward our goals. 

Overall, it’s important to be mindful of the language we use when talking about our past actions and choices. By reframing our thinking and focusing on what we do have control over and the actions we can take moving forward, we can improve our mindset and productivity and move closer to realizing our goals. 

What’s done is done, and while we can’t change the past, the future is ours for the making. 

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to The Power of Mindset at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode sixty-one.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com. And if you liked this show, please tell a friend. Subscribe, rate, and review. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thanks for joining me.