Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success Podcast, episode fifty-eight. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

Having a supportive, understanding mentor can help you make career decisions and reach your goals. It’s not a necessary thing, but most people agree that it can be helpful, especially navigating the common barriers women need to overcome. It’s nice to have someone to talk to who has already gone through some of the experiences you’re currently up against, to help you navigate the challenging situations that come as part of being a woman in a STEM field. 

In this episode, we dive into how having various mentors at different stages of your career can help you succeed. Not all relationships will naturally develop into a successful mentor-mentee relationship and the responsibility of cultivating a productive mentorship lies with you. 

A mentor is defined as a trusted counselor or guide, not in your direct management chain, who can provide tutoring or coaching. Mentorship involves the influence, guidance, or direction given by a mentor in a work situation, but can also provide support and feedback applicable to both personal and professional lives. 

Most traditional mentorships involve having a senior person who, based on their years of experience, their level of knowledge, or their title, is going to take some time to provide you with guidance and advice to help you decide for yourself what’s best for your career. I never really had a mentor, but over the years there were a few people who helped me with questions that I didn’t necessarily want to ask my boss and for things related to my long-term career vision.

In order to create a healthy mentorship relationship, it is the responsibility of the person being mentored to set up all the meetings, plan the topics, and most importantly, respect the mentor’s time. This might entail sending two to four agenda items to your mentor a few days before, or even a few hours before the meeting. 

The key is to establish an action plan with your mentor and follow through, such that you both are getting the most out of the relationship and you have a good idea of where it’s going, and when it can or should end. This experience can help you develop professionally as your mentor can serve as a sounding board, be an advisor, or even a cheerleader that encourages you to succeed. It’s a mutually beneficial relationship in which expertise and professional experience is shared in professional skill areas and possibly across generations. 

There’s no rules on who you can choose as a mentor. It can be peers, more senior experienced professionals, or even someone younger than you, but with key skills in an area that you might be interested in pursuing. While it’s beneficial to have a mentor and some might say it’s extremely undervalued, it’s not required to excel in your career, but from my own experience, I would highly recommend it. And don’t limit yourself to just one mentor at any given time. You may want a mentor for helping you through a very specific challenge at work and another person to give you a different perspective for the industry in general or perhaps a different field you’re considering.

Some companies will match you with a mentor, which is a great opportunity to take advantage of, but sometimes the chemistry isn’t always there with the prearranged mentor-mentee relationship. It’s important to feel comfortable with your mentor because they should feel open to challenging you and encouraging you to be your best. So it’s great to be able to find your own mentor at work. Ask your friends and other professionals if they can connect you with someone because having a mentor will really help you develop in your career. They can act as a confidant and guide as you navigate office politics and make career decisions. 

Having a mentor at the same company may help with understanding the business, but also understanding your role and the expectations of someone in that role. It’s a safe place to bounce ideas off and get some honest feedback before heading down the wrong path. 

The reality is often women are more excluded from accessing these informal networks. Men tend to support other men, but they don’t support women in the same way. The more fluid and informal a work environment, the more inequality is likely to go unchecked, further isolating women. When it comes to the support, mentorship, and alliances that leaders offer one another at work, the pecking order is often built to favor the familiar. 

Men who are seen to have significant potential are more likely to receive help and support from other men, which can lead us to think that we need to fit in with the men, downplaying what makes us different by changing our appearance to appear more masculine, or even being more aggressive in meetings to match their style. It may work for a while, but once more women join the organization, you might realize that by trying to fit in, you’re actually helping to perpetuate the same inequality you’re trying to neutralize. 

Beware of changing who you are to fit in because you run the risk of losing yourself in the process. 

There is value in networking with other women in STEM, although you may not understand the value immediately. Join those communities who meet regularly to discuss technical topics and give presentations about their areas of expertise. You might find that it creates a safe space and encourages difficult conversations about issues like gender inequality. It can give you a much needed sense of belonging that can help decrease your feelings of imposter syndrome. This can help bridge the gap between your competence and your confidence. It can be a way for you to be connected with a wider range of mentors who can help you acquire the different skills you need to succeed. 

Building a network of people around us that we both admire and trust enables us to learn more quickly and grow. It’s definitely an important part of building your career. Sometimes getting outside of your specialty or focus helps to put things into perspective of what’s important.

It also gives you the opportunity to meet influential people in your area who can give you insight, not only into your career field, but also paths and opportunities you might otherwise not be aware of. Having those chance conversations might identify career opportunities you would not have found or thought about on your own. 

I’m not saying it’s easy. It takes effort to put yourself out there and build these relationships with people outside of your company simply because you don’t see each other as often. When asking a workplace question, the external mentor may not know or feel the workplace culture you’re immersed in, so the discussions are a bit different. It can certainly be valuable, just recognize that it will be different. 

And the outsider perspective might be just what you need to see things as they really are. 

Mentorship may not be something you are currently actively seeking out, but we have a responsibility for creating the environment where we can thrive and where we can feel confident at work. Being a part of a mentoring partnership is a pivotal way to increase your knowledge, grow your career, and change the experience that you’re having in the workplace. It can be beneficial at any stage of your career journey. 

Your title really isn’t that important in order to be a mentor or to be mentored by another person. What matters the most is that the mentor has an experience or a skill that you can learn from, to go a step further, and to build upon your success. Over the years, both men and women have had an impact on my career direction. Each person had something different to teach me. 

What you should look for in a mentor is someone who is encouraging and knowledgeable and most importantly, truly wants you to succeed. 

Think of them as a gateway or a vehicle that helps you get from point A to point B in the most efficient and effective manner possible. They are there to help you navigate the people, politics, and situations that arise in a manner that helps you get to your desired result faster than trying to get there on your own. Having a mentor, or more than one, will help you get to where you’re trying to go from a career perspective faster than going it alone. Without them, you may very well still make it to your destination, but the experience is definitely going to be different. 

There are going to be days where you feel like you’re losing traction and going the wrong way on that corporate ladder. It can feel even harder if you feel stuck in the mess by yourself. You might be thinking that it shouldn’t take this much to get to the top. So, with each rung of the ladder you climb, you get winded, you get tired, you’re out of breath, and that means that when you do show up, you’re not showing up as your best self. And how can you? You’re exhausted and irritated by the people around you. It’s easier just to check out and just try to survive. But as you can imagine, this version of you is typically not promotable.

If you make it to the top, yes, you might be stronger. You might know some things that others don’t, and you’ll also burn some bridges along the way. When you have a great mentor, they are giving you advice based on their experience, which includes helping you think through those important career decisions as you progress, where you might be working towards a new role or exploring new paths.

They can inspire you and push you to do things to continue building your knowledge, to enable growth throughout your career, which might include learning new technical skills or soft skills like leadership and communication. They provide feedback on how you can improve in a specific area and be someone you can bounce ideas off of. 

They provide help in balancing work and family time in a demanding work environment, helping you navigate the organizational chart, and provide recommendations for how to deal with issues and situations based on their knowledge of the people involved. Or simply recognizing that you’re not alone, that many people experience imposter syndrome, even those with much more experience than you have. 

They may give you the ability to leverage their name, which might provide you some grace and coverage that you don’t have by yourself. And they also can provide their connections to make introductions for you, which will increase your chances of getting to your desired career outcome. If you have a well positioned mentor and you encounter a setback, you’ll be given some grace to pick yourself back up and get back on track. 

But without that mentor, you might just as easily get derailed before you get to your destination. You still might have to take a time out and regroup, but that doesn’t mean you’re not getting back in the game. You trust that your mentor is going to come back for you and won’t leave you stuck with no way to move forward. 

I have to say that one of the most underrated benefits of having a mentor is having access to their connections. Their advice, their guidance, and their wisdom is wonderful, but their connections are even better. And if your mentor is part of the talent planning discussions, and you represent yourself well in your mentoring meetings, it may just open up new opportunities for you in the future, which can be an added bonus in gaining visibility within the larger organization. 

Everyone’s journey is different and I highly recommend you make the effort to find a mentor as soon as you can, once you enter the workforce. Don’t do as I did for many years, thinking I had to prove myself by going it alone. There is so much benefit in having that mentor to provide insight on where you might have blind spots about yourself and provide guidance as you’re learning to navigate your career path, recognizing that many of the barriers we encounter are inevitable. And even if you’ve been in the workforce a while, I still recommend finding a mentor who will be able to give you feedback and help you work through those tough situations to help you further your career. 

But what makes a good mentor? A good mentor imparts knowledge and expertise to the new employee and encourages them to improve their skills. I learned the most from those who were willing to listen, provide coaching, and help guide me, rather than the ones that tried to spoon feed me every step. 

You need to find someone you respect and who respects you in return, who is willing to give advice, and listen when you need a sounding board to help you find your way, to knock down those barriers and overcome these obstacles to your success. I recommend looking for someone who’s willing to be open and honest and invest in you with their time, since this is a precious commodity. 

Look for someone you admire and share common interests with, who will provide you with different perspectives and encourage you to form your own opinions. You want someone who is a good listener, willing to provide constructive criticism, and sharing personal experiences and lessons learned. 

It will definitely help if you can offer something to the mentor to help strengthen the relationship. If you ask someone in a different part of the company to mentor you, you can bring information about a project you’re working on that impacts their department so that it becomes more of a two-way conversation.

Keep in mind the concept of reverse mentoring. As a new employee in a company, you come in with the latest skills and you’re most likely more tech savvy than those who have been around a while. Be willing to share your knowledge. It is highly possible that senior leaders and executives will ask you to mentor them so that they can keep up with the latest tech. It’s a great opportunity for both of you to learn. 

A good mentor is someone who can help guide you as you move through your career. They may start out as a mentor and also take on the role of advocate in spreading the word about the great work you’re doing. It’s nice to have a resource available when you have questions, to help you navigate the political landscape in your company, and advise you of the pitfalls or opportunities before you stumble into them.

I encourage you to think about your career in stages. If you’re just getting started in your career, you should first concentrate on establishing yourself technically as an expert, recognizing that this will take some time to develop. In this stage of your career, mentors may be more technical in nature or someone who can help you learn how to approach and solve problems in your particular discipline.

As you grow in your career, you will be looking for mentors who can help you with leadership and communication, while still helping you foster that technical expertise. These are the skills that will help you grow into a deeper technical role or shift more into leadership. 

Mentoring is not everyone’s cup of tea. Only someone who takes pleasure in watching others succeed can be a good mentor. An insecure person may not want to teach everything they know to someone who might eventually replace them in the company. They may see others as threats and think that because they had to learn everything the hard way, so should you. 

But remember, while it is great to position yourself as an expert with specialized knowledge and skills, it’s also important to share that expertise with your team and add value to the broader organization. Be willing to educate others, and with that, you’ll gain status as an invaluable training asset. Organizations value employees who mentor and train junior colleagues. 

So do what you can to share what you know. 

Finding a mentor isn’t always easy. Take every opportunity to meet and talk with people who are in the kinds of jobs or career to which you aspire. Always be looking around for the people who exhibit the style, skills, or demeanor you wish to emulate. Watch them and ask them questions to learn from them. 

It’s great to have a mentor who has been in a similar situation as you’re in, so they can help you with a specific purpose, like helping you decide on a career path, helping you with an area you are struggling in, or helping you learn additional technical skills. Eventually, you’ll find one or two with whom you feel comfortable and something clicks, and then you can ask more open-ended questions like, how did you end up doing what you do? The right relationships will grow and you’ll suddenly realize that you have that mentor you were seeking. 

You will find many informal mentors on your path as you naturally reach out to those you respect with questions. Sometimes you won’t realize you value someone as a mentor until much later because having a mentor can look very much like having a professional friendship. Look around, find people who have different experiences than you and ask good questions about those experiences and how they handled them. You may not find that one person who will be your all-encompassing mentor, but rather a group of people who can all help you uncover the map of your career path, as you travel it.

Identify potential mentors in people who have the skills you want to acquire and whose job trajectories you admire. Pick someone trustworthy, whose temperament is compatible with yours. Be straightforward when you ask for their mentorship, and if you’re nervous to make the request, remember that many people are flattered to be asked for their advice. 

In my opinion, a good mentor has three common characteristics:

Number one, they lift you up by seeing the potential in you, even when you don’t believe in yourself, gently pushing you to achieve more than you ever thought possible. 

Number two, being sensitive to your needs and aspirations by not pushing you to work in a field or take an opportunity that you’re not interested in, even if it looks great on paper.

And number three, they’re generous with their time and advice and they’re willing to keep in touch with you often. 

If you are in search of a mentor but don’t know how to get one, what to discuss with them, or how to leverage that relationship in a manner that serves you, this is what I coach many people on because it’s important to have people that support you in your journey to reaching your career goals.

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Making the Most of Your Mentor at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode fifty-eight.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com. And if you liked this show, please tell a friend. Subscribe, rate, and review. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thanks for joining me.