Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success Podcast, episode fifty-four. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

In building a successful career, we have to deal with a number of ideas that stand in tension with each other that can never truly be resolved. We want to accept ourselves as we are, while expecting more from ourselves at the same time. We want to embrace the moment, while also preparing for the future. We want to stand out, but we also have a strong desire to fit in and feel like we belong. We also experience the tension between staying open to criticism and taking direction, while also remaining fiercely committed to our own vision.

In this episode, we look at how we respond both productively and unproductively to criticism. Feedback can be very useful to help us remedy those things that are holding us back, especially when they are more evident to others than they are to us. But we also have to remember that we all have the tendency to criticize others, not for what they are, but for what they fail to be. 

And there’s nothing that says we should remedy this by trying to become something we’re not. Sometimes we do need to try to get better at something that could help us succeed, but sometimes we need to recognize that that is never going to happen and we should try to move on to something else that naturally comes more easily to us. With these kinds of tensions, only you can decide how you want to handle them. 

We’ve all heard of constructive criticism. I’ve always hated those words in any variation. Negative feedback is the worst. Generally, they aren’t saying anything we don’t already know about ourselves. I am my own worst critic. I have very high personal standards and I’m well aware when I don’t meet them. 

In my experience, performance reviews have generally been a complete waste of time. I’ve had the arrogant boss who fancies himself as nearly perfect while struggling to find anything positive to say about others’ performance. And I’ve had the ones who avoid confrontation like the plague and tell you what they think you want to hear, neither of which is very helpful to the recipient. 

I used to think that negative feedback was an attack on my identity. I would immediately go on the offensive. In my mind, I was wanting to discredit the person delivering the criticism. I admit it made a huge difference who was giving me the feedback. The closer I was to that person, the more I didn’t want to hear it, and the more severe my reaction was to it. 

I can be quick to judge and I tend to remember anything someone has ever done which would give me reason to question their intention or their credibility. I tend to first question their motive for giving me the feedback and, instead of considering that they may be wanting to help me or provide coaching, I suspect the worst. I also tend to distort what is actually being said into extreme statements, which is a product of my all-or-nothing type thinking. I hear it solely as judgment and criticism. 

Over time, I began to realize that there are ways to make receiving feedback a less negative experience, one that doesn’t provoke becoming defensive or trying to find ways to discredit them in my own mind. Getting honest feedback can be very helpful. Even if those around you aren’t very skilled at delivering feedback in a way that makes it easy to hear, there are ways to reframe it so it isn’t as bad. You might possibly even consider it a positive experience, but that might require a major change in mindset on your part. 

While you are unable to control how others view you and how they deliver feedback, you are in complete control over how you react and respond to it. And frankly, you get to choose whether to apply it or not. My reaction used to be overly sensitive and completely irrational at times. I would get so worked up that I was unable to think clearly. I realized that how I responded needed a complete overhaul. 

My goal became to learn to handle it well, regardless of what was being conveyed, how it was being delivered, and by whom. I wanted to be able to listen without judgment and receive the intent of the message so that I could take their suggestions for improvement and incorporate those I considered valid into my working routine. I was able to reframe the situation into one I had some control over, where I had the choice to take what I could from the information given and leave the rest.

 We all get negative feedback from time to time, and we can’t please everyone, nor should we try to, so it will serve us well to learn how to take criticism in stride. None of us is perfect. Sometimes feedback can help us improve, to get a little closer to our career goals. Sometimes, others can point at our blind spots. 

There are ways to distinguish between helpful and unhelpful feedback and being able to do so can help keep us moving forward. Keep everything in perspective. You will receive negative feedback for your work. 

It’s important to receive that feedback with grace, but also with perspective, which means understanding that some people prefer to spend their time and energy tearing down the work of others instead of building something of their own. You may wonder why people do this, and I’m sure there’s some psychological rationale for this, but there’s no doubt in my mind that people do it. 

But sometimes, critical feedback is helpful. No matter your intention, sometimes your efforts don’t produce the desired results and things just aren’t working in the way you wanted them to. When someone can show you exactly what you’re doing wrong, this can be an incredible gift. The truth is getting critical feedback can be rough, and if it results in improvement, learning, and growth, it can be very worthwhile. 

In the workplace, many managers are afraid to give negative feedback because they’re afraid of how it will be received. There are some responses they just don’t want to deal with, and there are others that they aren’t equipped to deal with. There’s no telling what will happen when someone receives criticism, and for some, that’s just not a risk worth taking. Some of us need to toughen up and receive the feedback as it was intended to encourage and to help us get better. That was me.

But is all feedback intended to inspire growth? Or are some people really just taking the opportunity to tear you down? That’s what you get to decide. You can assume that it’s meant to be helpful, learn from it, apply it, and move on with your life. And even if it wasn’t intended to be helpful, there might be something in what was relayed that you could learn from, while leaving the rest, and again, move on with your life. It’s easy to let negative feedback bother you more than it should. 

Many managers lack the skill to deliver feedback in a constructive way, but even if it is delivered in a less than ideal way, if it’s helpful, thank them for taking the time to tell you. If it’s just mean, all the more reason to take the high road and thank them for their thoughts. If you’re right and they were just trying to take you down a notch or two, don’t give them the satisfaction of taking the bait. Then, it’s just as easy to disregard because that person’s thoughts really don’t matter. 

Go read some of your more positive comments you’ve received in the past or just accept that not everyone is going to appreciate your talents and there’s nothing you can do or say that’s going to change their minds.

So how can we stop wasting our time and energy ruminating over useless feedback? And how can we take the sting out of being criticized? 

Consider the idea that all constructive criticism is a real gift. See it all as practical suggestions for how to improve something that matters to you and thank them for it. You can be grateful. You don’t have to be friends.

But the reality is not all feedback is constructive, so decide for yourself whether it is or it’s not, and if it’s not something that could help you, spend less mental energy worrying about it. The same goes for unhelpful praise. What we really want to know are practical suggestions for improvement and yet, we contort ourselves seeking out praise and make short-sighted decisions to avoid criticism. If you can, it’s best to separate your self-esteem and self-worth from both. 

Unhelpful criticism or praise can best be kept in context by drowning it in a high volume of helpful feedback. Evaluate all of it, without assigning too much weight to any individual comments, but rather look for patterns. Then, determine what resonates most strongly with you. Figure out a way to deal with critical feedback that feels authentic to you.

In a healthy workplace culture, you are bound to get feedback regularly. The higher the volume, the more the critical feedback from grumpy people can be taken for what it is. If you find yourself thinking for days about unhelpful feedback, try increasing the volume of comments you receive. Do more work for more people. Your goal is to view your feedback as more of a gift basket with a variety of things that you find helpful and some things that just get tossed out.

People are going to offend you and you may feel resentful toward them, but holding grudges and developing your own list of people you want to get back at really only hurts you in the end, and it models the wrong thing to the people you are trying to lead, which will ultimately undermine your leadership. You are going to have people who disagree with what you are doing or saying, so you need to develop strategies to deal with that ahead of time. So, if I can offer one piece of advice, never react in kind. 

There’s a lot at stake in how we treat other people. And the bottom line is, it’s a reflection of what you think of yourself. So find an elegant way to shut it down by putting it in perspective. Show you have some class. When someone criticizes you, instead of defending yourself or hating on them, just acknowledge it with a simple, “You might be right”, because who knows, they might be right, but at least it diffuses the emotion in the situation. 

And remember, there is a part we play in all of this. Our verbal habits can negatively affect how we are perceived by others and tend to be misinterpreted, especially by men. There is power in being able to select the appropriate strategic communication style based on the situation and the audience. Using your default style all the time isn’t nearly as effective. 

Communication is all about the audience, so become fluent and versatile in different communication styles. Always be professional, but ensure that you can easily adapt to any situation. We want to be authoritative and assertive without appearing aggressive, and sometimes, that can be a very fine line. 

Part of being intentional about how you respond is also being aware of what you say and how you say it, because we can easily and unintentionally be undermining ourselves. We tend to use tentative speech patterns that suggest a lack of confidence in ourselves and our ideas. We tend to rely heavily on indirect communication where the understanding of our message is left to the listener to decide, as opposed to a more direct style where we convey our message clearly and concisely. We tend to choose a more passive voice to lessen the tension or soften our requests as opposed to using a more assertive voice to convey our authority in the matter. There are times when our natural tendencies can be advantageous, but we need the awareness to use them consciously and purposefully.

Ultimately, we want to project confidence and competence. And the key is not to completely drop our feminine habits, but to use our skills and align them with our communication goals. We should not be apologizing for our own thoughts in advance. That will definitely threaten your credibility. We encounter enough situations where our credibility is questioned, without volunteering additional ones by the way we preface our ideas. 

So make it a habit to raise your voice so you will be heard. Get to the point quickly so you’ll be more likely to be taken seriously. Learn some key pocket phrases that quickly capture attention and help you regain the floor when someone interrupts you or tries to talk over you. And seek advice from people you expect will attack you or your ideas. Let them be the expert and defer to their expertise, because asking for their advice makes them feel good, which can be very disarming. 

Examine the way you respond to how others treat you. Sometimes our responses are automatic and don’t consider the effect they may have on us and our careers. They tend to be formed by old experiences and previous interactions. 

Women have been socialized to respond to inappropriate treatment in a polite, docile, acquiescent way. We’re not taught to defend ourselves or get angry when someone is disrespectful to us. Instead of being taught self-defense, we’re taught to turn the other cheek. We’re more likely to tolerate behavior that we should never have allowed to happen. Unlearning this is a huge step in reclaiming your personal power and living an empowered life. 

Receiving criticism is part of the job, so we have to learn to not be defeated by receiving feedback outlining all the things your boss finds fault with. Don’t take it personally because, more often than not, it’s not meant to be. We have to learn to trust the people we work with are on our side and just being honest. Feedback makes you better at whatever it is you do and having someone take the time to tell you what’s not working for you and how you can improve is a gift.

The revision process is a great metaphor for how to approach life and work. We’re all rough drafts. We’re constantly striving to make the next version of ourselves better. Real success is rooted in learning how to turn mistakes into successes, and losses into gains. Turn failures into what propels you forward, rather than holding you back. Be humble and listen to those with more experience than you have.

Work hard and trust yourself. Because no one makes your life for you, you make it for yourself. And there’s power in how you respond. 

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Not Undermining Your Credibility at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode fifty-four.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com. And if you liked this show, please tell a friend. Subscribe, rate, and review. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thanks for joining me.