Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success Podcast, episode thirty-seven. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

Stressful situations are common in the workplace, and while it can be harder to manage your emotions under these circumstances, it’s important to learn how to keep everything in perspective and not take it personally. 

In this episode, we’ll look at some strategies for not making everything about you. It’s important to leave some space to recognize that everyone is dealing with their own stuff. And their point of view is informed by their own feelings, beliefs, and opinions that they may have adopted over the years and are now projecting onto you. Whatever happens to you, don’t take it personally. 

Gaining emotional distance isn’t always easy. Don’t be surprised when upsetting things happen. Gain perspective by considering the source of the personal attacks and toxic behavior. When someone says something to you, it’s not about you, it’s more about them. If you take it personally, then perhaps you are already believing it yourself. And then you’re asking yourself, “How did they know?”. You take it personally because you agree with whatever was said, and as soon as you agree, you are affirming that belief. 

Taking things personally is the maximum expression of selfishness because you’re making the assumption that everything is about you. We take things personally when we think we are responsible for everything. Nothing other people do is because of you. It’s because of themselves. 

They live in their own mind in a completely different world from the one that you live in. When we take something personally, we’re making the assumption that they know what’s going on for us. We’re then trying to impose our version of reality onto theirs, and that requires a lot of assumptions. 

Even when those direct insults feel personal, try to remember that it has nothing to do with you. What they say and what they do are in accordance with their own opinions and their own perspectives. Their point of view comes from all the programming they have received and they’re projecting it onto you. 

You don’t have to take what isn’t yours. If you don’t take it personally, you are immune. But when you do take it personally, you feel offended. Your reaction is then to defend your beliefs, prove to them that they are wrong, and this creates conflict. You are potentially making something big out of something small because you have the need to be right and that requires everyone else to be wrong. 

Whatever you feel is just a projection of your own programming. So try these thoughts: 

• It’s not important to me what you think about me.
• I don’t take what you think personally. 
• Whatever you think or feel is your problem, not mine. 
• That may be the way you see the world, but it’s not necessarily the way I do. 
• It’s nothing personal because you are dealing with your own issues, not with me. 

They have their opinions according to their belief system. It’s not what they are saying that is hurting you, it’s what you’re making it mean about you that is causing you to hurt yourself. Maybe it’s that you have old wounds that they have touched by what they have said. So don’t take it personally. Know that they are seeing the world differently. 

Our points of view are personal to each of us based on our life experience. It’s no one’s truth but your own. If you get mad, you’re just using that excuse to get mad, and sometimes you get angry because you’re afraid. If you were not afraid, there is no way that you would get mad at them. You would just let it go or laugh it off. If you’re willing to try to live without that fear, whatever people do feel, think, or say won’t matter so much to you.

Don’t take anything personally, good or bad. Even the opinions that you have about yourself are not necessarily true. You don’t need to take anything you hear in your own mind personally either. You have a choice whether or not to believe anything. 

Taking things personally sets yourself up to suffer for nothing. You get to choose to believe what someone says to you. But remember, you can never be hurt by what they say or do. They might be lying to you because they’re afraid. Maybe they’re afraid you’ll discover that they’re not perfect. 

Sometimes people say one thing and do another. Pay attention to those red flags when their words and their actions don’t align. You don’t need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices.

When you make it a strong habit not to take anything personally, you avoid many upsets in your life. Your anger, jealousy, envy, and even sadness may disappear, or at least not show up as often. There is a lot of freedom for you when you take nothing personally. 

You are never responsible for the actions of others. You are only responsible for you. When you truly understand this, you can’t be hurt by the careless comments or actions of others. You can ask for what you need without fear of being ridiculed or rejected, and you can say yes or no to their requests without guilt or self-judgment. 

It’s time to take risks and develop a thicker skin because it’s not personal what other people think about us, whether we succeed or fail. If we lived in a secret world where no one would know what we did, we’d try more things. Sometimes we won’t even try because there’s this fear of what others will think. Because what if we were to start something and then it wasn’t successful? What would they think of us then? 

This gets reinforced when we get grief from friends and family for actually trying new things. While we’d expect them to be supportive because it’s a form of self-improvement, and yet they give us a hard time because they’re projecting all of their fear onto us. The key is depersonalizing everything that people say to you. 

It’s hard to stick with the things that we want to do when we share those things with people and they question why we need to do that. We have to think about the messenger. Maybe it’s that they don’t want to make that change for themselves. They aren’t speaking to you. They are simply saying things about themselves to you, but it can be really hard to hear those things because of who is saying it. We start wondering why they’re saying it to us. 

But remember, they’re really saying it to themselves. They’re just saying it out loud and you’re the person who is hearing their message. It’s not about you, rather it’s about them. But because they’re saying these things that are already in the back of our minds, we will feel that pressure as self-sabotage. 

In order to counteract all of this, make a commitment to yourself about the lifestyle change you want to make. Set boundaries with the people closest to you in order to maintain that new behavior you want from yourself. So when people say things to you about the change you’re making, you have something clear and assertive that will reaffirm your commitment to yourself, regardless what their opinion is. 

You have to be really clear why you want the goal you’re working towards. The easy piece is writing down the goal. The hard part is doing the work to achieve it because it requires advocating for your goal and being clear on why it is that you want it for yourself.

So much of this requires us to be managing our emotions. It’s about controlling your feelings before they control you. We’ve all been in one of those situations before, when a project is canceled after weeks of hard work, or when a client snaps at you unfairly, or when your coworker and friend is laid off suddenly, or when your boss assigns you more work when you’re already overloaded. Your reaction to stressful situations like these might be to start shouting, or to hold it all in and feel sorry for yourself when you’re alone. At work, these types of behaviors could seriously harm your professional reputation as well as your productivity and your wellbeing.

 Stressful situations are common in the workplace. It can be harder to manage your emotions under these circumstances, but it’s even more important that you do so. Employers tend to choose to keep those who can handle their emotions and work well under pressure. No matter what the situation is, you’re always free to choose how you react to it. Become better at handling your emotions. 

Staying calm is your superpower. Choose your reactions to bad situations and manage them productively. Focus your attention most on negative emotions because most people don’t need strategies for managing their positive emotions. Our feelings of joy, excitement, compassion, or optimism usually don’t affect others in a negative way. The ability to manage all of your emotions constructively and professionally is a great skill to have. 

Five of the most common negative emotions experienced in the workplace include: 

1. frustration
2. worry
3. disappointment
4. dislike
5. anger 

The first emotion, frustration. Frustration usually occurs when you feel stuck or trapped or unable to move forward in some way. Maybe it’s a colleague not delivering their part on a project, or perhaps people seem too disorganized to get to your meeting on time, or maybe it’s simply being on hold on the phone for a long time. It’s important to deal with feelings of frustration quickly because they can easily lead to more negative emotions such as anger. Here’s a suggestion for dealing with your frustration. Stop and evaluate the situation. Ask yourself why you feel frustrated. Write it down and be specific. Then, instead, think one positive thing about your current situation. 

The second emotion is worry. Many people worry about the security of their jobs. Fear and anxiety can easily get out of control if you allow it, and this can impact not only your mental health, but also your productivity, and your willingness to take risks at work. Here’s one tip to deal with worry. Focus instead on how to improve the situation by brainstorming ways to resolve the problem and improve things for yourself. 

The third emotion is disappointment. Dealing with disappointment or unhappiness at work can be difficult. It most likely will impact your productivity because your energy will be probably low. And you might be afraid to take on another risk because of not wanting to feel this emotion again, which may hold you back from achieving what you set out to do. One way you can cope with disappointment is to keep your goal, but adjust the timeframe. Because not reaching a goal doesn’t mean it won’t happen, you may just need more time. 

The fourth emotion is dislike. We’ve probably all had to work with someone we don’t care for, but it’s important to be professional no matter what. Here’s one idea for working with people you dislike. Take the high road and treat them with the same courtesy and respect you would offer anyone else. Just because this person behaves in an unprofessional manner, doesn’t mean you should as well. 

And finally, anger. Out of control anger is possibly the most destructive emotion in the workplace. And even if we’re not out of control, most of us don’t handle the anger we’re feeling in a constructive way. And sometimes as women, when we let ourselves get so angry and don’t know how to handle it effectively, it can cause tears and no one knows what to do when that happens. Here’s a tip for managing your temper at work. Recognize the danger signs when anger is building. Stop what you’re doing and just breathe deeply. This interrupts your angry thoughts and it helps put you back on a more positive path. 

We all have to deal with negative emotions at work sometimes. Learning how to cope with these feelings is now more important than ever. Whether we like it or not, negative emotions can spread. No one wants to be around a person who adds negativity to the team. 

Take the time to understand what causes your negative emotions and which types of feelings you face most often. Do your best to interrupt the cycle when these emotions begin to appear. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to pull yourself away from your negative thinking. 

We tend to stick with what we’re good at and avoid anything that would invite rejection. I know because that’s what I did for many years. If you’re going to be successful, you’re going to need to try new things, and that means taking some risks and, most importantly, learning how to deal with rejection. It’s a natural part of life because we’re not always going to get what we ask for. 

Start by realizing that rejection is really a myth. If you think about it, you didn’t have what it is before you asked, so your situation didn’t get any worse. It only gets worse if you let your thoughts tell you it is. You haven’t really lost anything. You’ve spent your whole life up to this point without whatever it is, and you know how to handle that. 

So first off, you don’t have anything to lose by asking, and you possibly have something to gain. Whenever you ask anyone for anything, some will and some won’t. Some people are going to say yes, and some people are going to say no. But so what? Out there, somewhere, there’s someone waiting for you and your ideas. It’s simply a numbers game. 

You have to keep asking until you get a yes. The yes is out there waiting for you. You just have to be willing to hang in there long enough to eventually get it. Most people give up, saying it isn’t working, or it’s not worth the effort. You will have to persevere in the face of a lot of rejection. So when someone says no, just say next. Keep on asking. 

Get used to the idea that there is going to be a lot of rejection along the way to your goals. The secret to success is not giving up. If one person tells you no, ask someone else. Don’t get stuck in your fear or resentment. Move on to the next person. Keep looking for the right fit. Don’t take it personally because it isn’t personal. 

Everyone who has ever made it to the top has had to endure rejections. Never count yourself out. Believe that you will succeed eventually. Keep on doing everything in your power to make it happen and never give up. 

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide for Dealing With Negative Emotions At Work at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode thirty-seven.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com. And if you liked this show, please tell a friend. Subscribe, rate, and review. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thanks for joining me.