Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode eight. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast for focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

How frequently do you take on extra projects, problems or work when your plate is already full? If you’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s time to talk about boundaries and learning how to say no, when you’re feeling the pressure to say yes. 

In this episode, we’re going to dive into how to create the space you need to succeed. Boundaries will create the space you need to achieve your goals and, contrary to what you might think, boundaries do not have to be limiting. But they are essential in managing your time and energy, both of which are finite resources. 

We live in a society of yes, and we’re all busy. So I’d like to propose, to ban the response to how are you, of being “Busy, but a good busy”, because being busy is no measure of success. And as Tim Ferriss says, “Being busy is a form of laziness – lazy thinking and indiscriminate action”. So I want you to think about this. It’s about choosing what not to do, and that’s being clear on what’s important. 

What are your non-negotiables? In order to set boundaries, we must first be clear on what we want to achieve. What’s important to us, our values and our priorities, as well as the urgency and importance of each project or goal. That will define how much time and energy we will spend on them. When we’re feeling overly committed, boundary setting is essential. It goes hand in hand with accountability. 

We often want to please others, but we have our own things to manage and guilt that goes along with it. Setting boundaries can sometimes feel harsh or limiting because they can be a hard stop. Some things in life and work are simply non-negotiable. Often, those are the things that are tied to critically important values and priorities and identifying, and being aware of these strong boundaries is essential to our success. These make up our non-negotiables. 

We normalize constant betrayal of ourselves and our needs, when we don’t take boundaries seriously. Everyone does not have access to us. It’s not automatic or irrevocable. It’s not necessarily our fault, but it is our problem. 

I do recognize that setting boundaries in-person can be hard. When you draw a new boundary, people might say you’ve changed, and now you must think that you’re somehow better than them. They might say you’re not as nice, but let them. Frankly, being nice is overrated. 

So preserve your sanity because even if you try to bend yourself backwards for people, they will still say you didn’t do enough. You don’t owe anyone your time, energy or attention. Do not feel guilty about being protective of any of these things. Not everyone gets equal access to you. 

It might be time to think of your time and attention as precious. So draw those lines, even if the person is family. It’s especially important to know that you can have boundaries with the people you love. You don’t want to get to the point where you’re giving everyone everything you have. You will be left with nothing, and they will have everything you gave them.

It’s important to know that you have the right to have your boundaries, just as we have our own preferences for what we like and don’t like. And you can still be flexible with some boundaries. We can be flexible in the management of our time and how we’re going to achieve our goals. But this requires a clear awareness and recognition of our limits. 

The ability to prioritize new items as they arise, and manage how they mesh with our previous commitments. There are many ways to incorporate, adjust, and mix different types of boundaries, and which type you use will depend on the particular situation. So decide what works for you. 

For many people, flexibility can be very difficult to manage while still taking care of their own priorities for others. Non-negotiables are seen as simply too rigid. So view drawing boundaries as a matter of social etiquette.

We must create, and possibly vocalize, our boundaries, no matter how much it might be upsetting to others. It’s about establishing the standards and the treatment we expect and deserve. People often feel entitled to our lives, our energy, our time, our space, and even our knowledge. But it’s not from malice, it’s simply from habit. 

And it’s not about playing keep away with people. It isn’t about preventing people from getting close to us. Although sometimes it physically is! Am I the only one who has really enjoyed these years of it being socially acceptable to stay six feet apart? 

And we’re not used to creating and standing in our boundaries. Really, it’s how we operate as a society. Since most people are annoyed by someone crossing their boundaries,why are boundaries so difficult to establish? 

We have a hard time telling people to stop the thing we don’t like them doing, when it pertains to us. We’re concerned about making them feel uncomfortable. We fear disrupting the harmony, hurting their feelings, or seeming difficult. 

But it’s time to get comfortable with their discomfort, because boundaries are about you. Boundaries are how you will act in certain situations.

Many people confuse boundaries with controlling other people. But setting boundaries means if you do this, then I will do that. With boundaries, you get to behave however you want, and I’m not going to try to change who you are. But if you behave in this particular way, this is what I will do. It’s cause and effect, boundary and consequence.

Sometimes you don’t even need to convey your boundaries to other people because it’s just what we want to let in, or not let into our lives and why. So I have two recommendations for boundaries: 

1. Don’t make boundaries out of a place of anger, frustration, or trying to control someone. 
2. And you take your action from a place of self care, then you won’t drop into manipulation.

When we don’t act as our own advocates, we end up feeling a lot of resentment and anger, and we feel like victims, and we complain. Most people interpret you having no boundaries as you being easy going and agreeable. But really, they are just taking advantage of you, even manipulating you, for their own agenda. You get to decide your boundaries and whether your boundary serves you in your life.

And if you’re a people pleaser, really, you’re just a liar. That might be hard to hear, but I really think it’s true. For example, some people don’t want to hug people. I’m one of those people. It’s one of my biggest boundaries, that I don’t like hugging people I don’t know. This is a tough boundary to have, because people love to hug. Somehow it’s a sign of friendliness. I, apparently, seem approachable, and I look pretty huggable. And it makes me seem aloof when I bristle, or decline. 

So I find myself letting people hug me way more than I’d like, and then feeling weird afterwards. I’m not anti-hug, but hugs feel very personal to me. And I’m not wanting to give them to everyone I meet. But people take it personally. It feels like a personal rejection. They feel slighted. It’s one of those, “It’s not you, it’s me” situations. The best way to decline a hug I’ve found is to tell them you have a cold, or you’re not feeling well, or be holding something in both hands. 

So the answer to telling people about what I want apparently is to lie. I have to fake the sniffles to prevent the discomfort of someone who feels like they should receive a hug from me. I don’t think the means justifies the end. Men’s personal space is often respected, yet women are somehow expected to want to hug everyone. 

You get to decide what your boundaries are, and so do I. Sometimes you may need to communicate them to someone, but not always. A boundary is a rule that you have in your life, about what you will do if someone behaves the way they do. 

Boundaries aren’t based on fear, anger, or manipulation, or control. And remember, it’s never about controlling the other person. Your boundaries are about you, and taking care of you. If you violate a boundary that I’ve set in my life, then I’m the one who takes the action. I don’t even have to tell you, if I don’t want to. 

Boundaries are all about self-care. Boundaries are about what you want to allow in your life, not about how other people behave. No one has to comply with your boundaries, because it’s you who has to comply with them. 

When you do communicate your boundaries with people, and you don’t follow through, you’re not honoring yourself. So make sure, that when you set boundaries, that you are committed to following through on them, even if you don’t want to in the moment, and even if it’s scary. Remember that you’re only responsible for how you feel, you’re not responsible for how they feel. 

Other people don’t create your experience in the world. You get to control it. You’re accountable and you’re responsible for everything you feel. So give boundary setting a go. 

If you work on your boundaries, you’re going to have to retrain people, so they understand what is, and isn’t, acceptable to you. It’s tough, but it’s kind of liberating. Often we can get mad at people for crossing our boundaries that we didn’t really establish, because somehow we expect them to have known to do something differently.

We go through life letting people talk to us in any way they choose, and do things to us that we don’t like. And what do we do about it? We roll our eyes, or give them a deep sigh, and hope they magically stop doing the things that we don’t like. 

Personal, professional, emotional, and physical boundaries are all important. It’s not our fault when people abuse or disrespect us, but how others treat us can be a reflection of what we’re tolerating. At the core of setting boundaries is trying to minimize self betrayal. 

I’m a little leery of people who don’t have any clear boundaries. Their lack of boundaries means they are less likely to understand the lines I draw. Others may have a hard time with your boundaries, seeing it as an act of hostility, instead of an act of self-preservation. We say nothing, because we think they’re going to tell us we’re making a big deal out of nothing. We wonder if it will make us less likable, since we will be asking someone to do something differently. If it’s getting on your nerves, why shouldn’t you say it? It’s for the betterment of you and them.

So, be serious about your boundaries. You have to teach people what we expect from them, and how we want to be treated. If we don’t, we’ll constantly have people getting on our nerves. And life is too short to be irritated all the time when there’s something you can do about it. And it starts with practicing saying no and giving yourself some space for reflection, so you can learn and make the necessary changes. 

I found it really challenging to set up boundaries that I didn’t have before. It took me a long time to realize that I had an obligation to let people know when they did something I didn’t like. And that I had the power, and the responsibility, to take control of the situation. It wasn’t just about hiding how I felt, burying my frustration and anger, and just doing whatever they asked of me.

I’m not the most patient person at times. I don’t have a poker face. My annoyance is there for all to see, in my eyes, and usually written all over my face. Holding in my feelings doesn’t make them go away. It’s just the opposite, it causes them to fester. 

I worked in a matrix environment, so I had many bosses, too many at times. We didn’t really have good systems in place to know who was doing what, or who was overloaded. For a while, I guess I assumed everyone knew what I was doing, and how much I could handle. 

It took me a while to realize that they just saw me as someone who got things done. And when something was handed off to me, it was as good as done. I made things easy for people, so they kept coming back to me. And really, it was nice to feel needed and valued. But really, I was just making it easy on people because I had a sense that I couldn’t say no, and I just had to figure out how to get it all done. 

It wasn’t until someone finally showed me how to respond to these endless requests, in a positive non-emotional way, simply stating what I had the capacity to take on, that I learned that I had a say. I didn’t need to take on everything that was thrown at me. 

Instead of getting angry, resentful, and frustrated, I could see their vagueness of what needed to be done, as my opportunity to take on the part that I wanted to do, the part that suited my skills best. And let them know, in no uncertain terms, that I also understood what needed to be done, but not by me. It was a real revelation for me. It was a new sense of control and freedom that I actually had all along, but I had never taken on, because I defaulted to the “good girl” persona, who did whatever she was told. 

What I’ve learned is that my boundaries are my responsibility to create. When people don’t realize I’ve drawn lines in invisible ink, they don’t know, so they aren’t responsible for how that makes me feel. 

You may have noticed that people are capable of yelling at someone in one sentence, and speaking with deference and warm tones the next, and people are capable of acting like they have common sense yet, they wield that based on who is in front of them, and what that person has allowed them to get away with.

The person I need to make sure is okay at the end of the day is me, because I’m the one I have to answer to. When I bend myself out of shape for someone, I get mad at myself, and then I find it really hard to forgive myself. It has helped me get better and better about being clear to others about my limits. 

I have to remind myself that I’m not responsible for how they feel. I’m only responsible for how I feel. And doing things to prevent their discomfort is doing a disservice to me. I don’t know that people really understood completely how hard it was for me to set those boundaries. But I think they actually respected me more because of it. I became a completely different person, much more confident, instead of being resentful and angry all the time.

So by saying yes, what are you saying no to? We can’t just force another yes into our already over committed lives, hoping that it will somehow all be magically accommodated. If you’re saying yes to this, what are you saying no to? It’s much more complex than it sounds. We’re asking people to be clear and committed to their yeses, instead of a kind of, sort of, half-heartedly agreeing to things, because more than likely, there’s a complete misunderstanding as to what’s been agreed upon. 

So let’s be clear. Ask yourself, “What exactly am I saying yes to?”. This helps to bring the commitment out of the shadows. Then ask yourself, “What would being fully committed to this idea look like?”. It helps to bring things into even sharper focus. 

By doing this, we’re uncovering two types of no’s: there’s elimination and capacity limits. With elimination, it’s an either/or. The options that are automatically eliminated by your saying yes.

With capacity limits, it’s making space. What do you now need to say no to, to make that yes, happen? It puts the spotlight on how to create the space, and focus, energy, and resources that you’ll need to truly do that yes. It can be tricky, so it’s important to know how to say no when you feel like you can’t say no.

There are two groups of people it’s easiest to say no to: those closest to us, and those most distant from us. Everyone else is harder. And the corporate culture default answer is yes, or at least probably. 

Learn to say yes more slowly. Stay curious before committing, when we’re asked to do more, and when we’re already tapped out. It feels like we have to say something. We may really want to help, but deep down we know we just can’t. But it still might be uncomfortable, because we want to say no, but we’re feeling the pressure to say yes. 

So having what I call a ‘pocket phrase’ can come in handy. In these situations, it can boost our confidence and adeptness in responding. So try out a few phrases, until you find one that does the job of deflecting, without making the other person feel terrible if they didn’t intend to be overbearing, or demanding. Then redirect, back to them. Ensure that they are concise and that they clearly give people the message, that you appreciate being their go-to person, but you will not be able to take on more. 

Sometimes, it can be helpful to respond first by asking another question, to gather more information and get more clarity, such as:

• Why are you asking me? 
• Who else have you asked? 
• When you say this is urgent, what do you mean? 
• What does ‘done’ look like? And by when? 
• According to what standard does this need to be completed? 
• If I couldn’t do all of this, and could just do a part, what part would you have me do? 
• What do you want me to take off my plate, so that I can do this?

This invites them to share what they’re actually interested in, so you can respond in a way that is actually relationship building, even if you don’t provide the work product they seem to be seeking. They might just be needing your help, so it could be an opportunity to build your social capital. 

And remember, there could be four types of responses that you’ll get: the first might be that you’re told to stop with the annoying questions, and just get on with the task, which is not really useful because they’re just expecting you to do what you’re told. They might provide you with some good answers, which means the request was thoughtful, and they’re not asking you just because you have a pulse. They may not have the answers, but they may be willing to find them for you, and this buys you some time. And then you can hope that maybe they’ll never get back to you. Or they may find someone else who will say yes much more quickly than you, which frankly, is a win for you. 

Being able to hold the line and stop taking on all the additional responsibilities can be empowering, even if they are just a bunch of small tasks, they can eventually consume your life. You might not be the best liked person, but you’re likely to be more successful, and respected. 

Our need to be liked drives that immediate response of yes, before we really even know what we’re saying yes to. It can feel awkward saying no, because we’re saying no to a person. And having people think you’ve let them down is not what we want. 

My suggestion is to create an object that you can identify as the thing you’re saying no to, which isn’t the person. So, try writing down the request on a piece of paper, or a whiteboard, and then point to it and say, “I’m afraid I have to say no to this”, which is somehow better than saying no to them directly. 

It’s also helpful to define your strategy for deciding what you will do, and what you won’t do, ahead of time. Recognize that when you see you’re about to move from overwhelmed, to really overwhelmed, by adding more to your list, that’s your trigger to take a step back. 

And it might look like when you’re not making a choice, but you’re saying yes to everything, when the pace at work is getting to be just too much, and when you can see scope creep happening for yourself and your projects, and when someone’s making a decision to commit you to something new. Instead of just adding more to your plate, instead of rescuing them and saying yes, to keep them happy, and instead of dropping into victim mode, when you feel like you have no choice but to say yes, stop the rush to action. Ask yourself, “What will you say no to, to make this yes happen?”. 

It’s a well-known planning fallacy:  we’re lousy at figuring out how much time it will take for us to complete, and we overestimate our abilities. And then we underestimate the degree to which we’re overestimating. Which, more simply said, is we tend to think we can do more than we can. This question helps us to be more realistic about what’s actually possible. 

We also should recall the prospect theory:  loss and gain are not necessarily measured equally. Once we have something, we don’t want to let it go, and we tend to overvalue its worth. So asking yourself what we’re going to say no to, helps us better decide what’s worth keeping, and what we might need to let go.

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Creating Space to Succeed at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode eight. 

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch. I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com. And if you liked the show, please tell a friend, subscribe, rate, and review. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thank you for joining me.