Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode sixteen. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

In any conversation, it seems like we’re more concerned with what we’re going to say next, than concentrating on listening to the person to whom we’re talking. We get so excited to say our piece, that we even sometimes interrupt them, just to get it out as quickly as we can. It would do us well to take a bit of a breather and actually listen, and maybe even let a bit of silence into our discussions and negotiations. It might go a long way to helping others feel heard.

In this episode, we’ll dive into when silence can work for you, and when silence comes at a cost. We’ll also cover the three things that you can do to help you address bias, should you encounter it in the workplace, and decide that you do want to deal with it yourself, in the moment. Deciding not to respond is also a very valid option. And sometimes it can be the smarter choice, depending on your circumstances. Where staying silent can be harmful to you is when you are not consciously deciding, but rather responding out of fear. 

A little silence can lead to better outcomes for everyone in tough conversations and negotiations because it gives you time to think. We tend to answer too quickly. We’re figuring out what we want to say while they’re still talking, so we aren’t really listening. And sometimes we’re much better off taking the time to really listen, then pausing to think and process what we’ve heard, before immediately responding. It can really make other people feel heard and we can appear much more thoughtful and reasonable in the process. 

In any negotiation, there’s always some back and forth. You might be surprised to learn that it can be very effective to use silence as a tactic in negotiations. Consciously inserting short pauses can give you time to recognize opportunities for both sides to get what they want. 

Breakthroughs tend to be more common after these intentional periods of silence. Some people are really uncomfortable with silence, so they feel a need to fill it, by offering more information, and that can be very useful. 

In my own experience, I have used silence very effectively while discussing compensation in negotiating a new job offer. I did much better by stating what I wanted, than waiting, and letting them feel a little awkward. And then they came up on the offer, which made a huge difference for me. I was pretty surprised when the recruiter congratulated me on my determination, patience, and perseverance to get what I knew I deserved. He said it actually made his job easier because he could confidently go back to them and say that this is what it would take to make a deal, no hesitations, no wondering if they could convince me otherwise. 

When we consciously leave some open airspace, others tend to want to fill it, by giving more insight into their perspective. Silence can feel awkward. And in order to feel some relief from that feeling, they just keep talking. Some of what they say can be really valuable. It’s not about winning the negotiation. It’s more about doing more of what can contribute to mutually beneficial outcomes. 

Silence lets you take a step back and view the negotiation holistically and not just blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. It allows you to be more strategic, which increases the chances of getting to a good outcome for everyone. So the next time you’re in a challenging conversation or negotiating over something, try a little more silence. Take a deep breath and count to three before responding. Even a little quiet can go a long way. 

But sometimes silence works against you. When there’s something that needs to be said, but isn’t, because we’re scared. Staying silent comes at a cost. In deciding whether to speak up, we can ask ourselves, “What will come from this? What am I putting on the line? And how am I showing up as the best possible version of me?”. 

Doing the thing that is hard might not be popular, but it could be significant. And it’s important to say what you’re really thinking, because if you’re thinking it, you can bet other people are too, or they should be. 

But how do you do it? In that moment, you can choose silence or you can choose to use your voice. How do you make that decision for whether to speak up? There’s three questions that you can ask yourself: Do I mean it? Can I defend it? And can I say it thoughtfully and with kindness? 

It’s important to be able to justify to myself what it is that I decide to do. If staying quiet and doing nothing doesn’t make me proud, then I have to do something. We can use our voices to challenge systems, but it’s risky. 

More of us need to use our power for the greater good, to make other people think critically about the words they use, and how they behave. Maybe we can make this world a better place by being braver. Our organizations will definitely be better for it. 

We have to remember that the thing you want to do, and the person you want to be, and the life you want to create for yourself, is on the other side of your fear. So speak the truth to yourself first and then out loud. You have to do it scared, because there’s no other way. 

The fear tells you that it’s a growth opportunity. You’re never going to be fearless. If it’s important to you, you’re going to be scared. So expect it, welcome it, and work with it. It’s important to always be intentional about everything you say and everything you do. 

Get used to the idea of ruffling feathers, because not everyone is going to like what you have to say. Accept it. You have to deal with the fact that people aren’t going to like it when you challenge the way it’s always been. They probably like the status quo because it’s working for them, or at least it’s familiar. And it’s not like you’re looking for a fight. It’s just that you feel that something needs to change. 

Some things just need to be addressed head on. And the significance of what needs to be said and done are more important than your fear. It’s what you’re thinking and feeling but dare not say, because you have a job to protect, or you’re afraid of how it will land. Understand that chaos sometimes comes from being honest, authentic, and going against the tide. 

Be committed to questioning assumptions that people make, whether they are consciously making them or not. It’s not being rude, but it is being tactfully direct. And some people won’t like it, but they’ll just have to deal with it. We’ve been dealing with all of this stuff for far too long already because that’s the way it’s always been. 

I can’t stand to see people’s ability being shortchanged, or them being cheated out of opportunities they deserve, or being treated poorly. Any injustice really irks me. In my journey, I’ve learned over and over how much fear could stop me, at any moment, from doing the thing that could change my life, or at least change my experience in the workplace.

I don’t believe we can completely overcome fear. It’s there to protect us. So it’s a constant battle to work with. There are endless opportunities to do things that scare us and some degree of fear will always remain. Stop expecting fearlessness. Acknowledge that we’re anxious, but we’re not going to let fear drive our actions. 

We’re not doing it because we’re unafraid of the consequences. We’re doing it because we have to. We need to create the world we would prefer to live in, starting with creating a workplace where we want to work. 

Fear will always be there and it’s important that we go forward anyway. What can we do to address bias when we encounter it in the workplace? Behavior gets modeled from the top of our organizations. So how can we influence that, when we’re not in a position to effect change?

There are things that we can do from where we’re at. First, become aware. We’re all in denial to some extent when it comes to gender inequality. And two, speak up. Ask why, to make the people have to explain their bias. And three, become an ally. You have to understand what the barriers are and speak up in the moment for those affected, even if they aren’t prepared to do it for themselves.

We tend to deny the experiences of bias and that there are differences in the way people are treated. And then we deny the impact that it has on us and everyone around us. So take a moment to think about your whole career and understand how this has shown up over the years, or possibly decades. 

One of the challenges with the current diversity and inclusion initiatives is that we’re making people aware of biases,but then we have no means of holding people accountable. And frankly, from my experience, what happened as a result of these training programs, was a new found permission to cultivate even more bias, because that was okay, because it was unconscious bias, or so they claimed. 

It’s important to understand the challenges and speak up, especially if you’re in a less vulnerable position than the person being targeted. Being an ally is important because that’s how we take that awareness and understanding and make it a practice in our workplace. Women tend to have their legitimacy and capability questioned much more often than men. We tend to have to outperform just to be seen as equally competent. 

My job and yours is to support and advocate by pushing back on the inequality of it. And it can be as simple as asking, “Why?”. It’s powerful because it puts the onus back on the individual who is engaging in the marginalizing behavior to explain it. Or you could push it a little further with, “Can you help me understand on what basis you formed that opinion?”. 

In my experience, I’ve watched as senior management made a decision about who would run a project, based not on fact, but on the opinion of one individual. The woman, who I considered to be a strong candidate, was taken out of the running for no real reason at all. It turns out, they made that decision based on one interaction with her, having never really spoken to her, and not knowing her background. And they hadn’t taken the time to figure out what she was capable of, and certainly had no idea of her desire to be a project manager. By asking why, I got them to a point where they had to admit that they had no basis for removing her from contention.

How can we really know if anyone can do something they’ve never had the opportunity to do before? But why are we willing to give some people the chance, but not others? I knew she’d be able to figure it out, because I knew a little of her background and experience. And I knew this was something she wanted to do. Because where there’s a will, there’s a way. I saw no reason not to give her a shot. And by the way, when she finally did get an opportunity to run a project, she was highly effective. 

To be an ally in the moment, you need to recognize the challenges that we all face at work. It’s very hard to navigate these barriers alone, but together, we can push back on these barriers by shining a spotlight on assumptions being made based on prejudice, opinions, and biases. 

We have work to do. And sometimes it takes courage to do it. The silenced and sidelined version of you will never be up to the task. Everyone is responsible for fixing these problems. At times, you may be the person harmed, but other times, you may be watching as it plays out in front of you in a meeting. It’s key to have compassion for ourselves because, whether it’s happening to us or not, it’s hard to watch. 

And there are a lot of things to consider when deciding whether to get involved, or even whether to defend yourself. It’s important to develop strategies for responding more effectively to workplace injustice, ahead of time, so you’re more prepared when it happens. And unfortunately, it’s more of a when, than an if. 

If you’re the person harmed, you get to choose your response. If you’re on the receiving end of workplace bias or discrimination, your responsibility is first and foremost to yourself, and no one else. And even when the choices are hard or limited, recognize that it is your choice. Evaluate the benefits, as well as the possible consequences, and make a conscious choice.

Be intentional. It’s so important to maintain your sense of control and feel empowered to make the right choice for you, in the moment. Put yourself first. You have a right to act in self-defense, but you also have the right to choose self-preservation, if that feels better in the moment. 

In my experience, no one who has suffered an injustice wants to keep quiet about it. Our initial instinct is to speak out, but that instinct can get repressed in many ways. It’s that repression, that loss of the ability to speak out, that is debilitating. Sometimes it can be even more harmful than the original negative experience. 

Learn to respond in a way that restores your sense of power, freedom, and agency. While there may be pressure to come forward from some, recognize, and don’t completely discount the advice from others, to let it go. They mean well, and it’s not that they don’t believe your version of the events. Whether you believe it or not, they might have your best interests at heart in counseling you to let it go. 

There are considerable, obvious risks with coming forward, so think it through. You may lose control of the situation once you’ve started that ball rolling. You may be surprised to learn that while human resources, HR, may seem to care about your welfare, but their responsibility is to the company, and to keep them from being sued. 

I am not encouraging people harmed to make any choices that will harm them further. Confrontation has obvious costs, and hidden benefits. Silence has hidden costs, and obvious benefits. So choose your battles. Weigh the consequences. Be aware that whatever you choose to do, that you do in a way that doesn’t destroy your career.

Remember, choosing not to respond is a legitimate choice. Making a conscious choice enables you to reclaim your power. If you later regret the decision you made to let it go, cut yourself some slack. Beating yourself up for not responding in the right way, just adds insult to injury. Self-forgiveness doesn’t mean ignoring your regrets, it means acknowledging how hard it is to confront workplace injustice, and forgiving ourselves for missed opportunities, and doing our best to learn and do better next time. 

In my experience, there were many times when I chose to let it go. Many times, I decided that correcting them in that moment, shouldn’t have to be my job. As I said, in the first episode, I’ve seen it all. I’ve experienced bias, and prejudice, and bullying firsthand, but bias, unconscious or not, was definitely the most prevalent. Maybe I would have been more willing to take this on, especially in the early years, had someone actually been an ally and stood up for me in the moment. 

Over the years, I’ve recognized that by choosing to let it go, that most likely meant that they’d do it again, probably to people who were more vulnerable than I was. So did I have an obligation to speak up? Maybe, or maybe not. Again, it was my choice. But I do recognize now, that my silence was bad for everyone. 

It was definitely not living in accordance with my own values and beliefs. And by not pointing out their bias, if in fact that was at the root of it, it tends to make it more likely that they’d repeat their mistake, and even become bolder in their tactics.

For me, I experienced a lot of confusion about the offender’s intentions and that was a big obstacle that got in the way of me sticking up for myself. All too often, their excuse for their behavior was that I was being overly sensitive. No, I’m just making you aware that I think what you’re doing or saying is inappropriate. Focusing on that confusion and thinking consciously about how to get some clarity, is important.

So if you do decide to respond, there’s three things to consider. By speaking up, you are affirming yourself. Every time someone says something that bothers you, and you ignore it, a feeling of helplessness takes hold. And every time you respond, you reclaim your power and strengthen it. 

By speaking up, you are interrupting patterns of behavior that are harmful to you and others. And just pointing it out may be enough to persuade the offender to change their behavior, which will improve things, not only for you, but also for many others going forward. By speaking up clearly and kindly, you will be demonstrating that doing so is acceptable, which may encourage others to do the same. 

It’s important to remember that we all have biases and having one’s bias confronted, doesn’t make them evil. Helping others to become more comfortable pointing out bias when they notice it, is how norms and healthy company cultures are established. It’s easier to work with people who aren’t doing things to piss you off over and over. 

You might even be doing them a favor, because if they don’t consciously mean what they’re saying, when you point it out, you’re giving them an opportunity to stop making that mistake. I think we all might appreciate having the opportunity to make a change that could come back to bite us, with someone who was a little bit less understanding. As a bonus, you may successfully eliminate the “she’s overly sensitive” excuse in your organization. 

So correct the bias. Get the facts on the table, without bringing emotion into it. Show the harm done, and give them a chance to stop doing what pisses people off. While you may be the person being harmed, you might also be the observer, with the ability to intervene and act as an ally. So intervene. Don’t just watch. 

The term observer suggests being passive, so instead, be an ally. We need to proactively find a way to support the people being harmed. Don’t just watch the harm being done, and feel bad about it. Remember, that when you don’t do anything about it, you could be next. We all have an obligation to notice it. Being unaware doesn’t give you absolution. 

In my experience, that was a favorite tactic of those around me. They would not want to get involved, and they accomplished that most easily by pretending they didn’t notice anything happened.

We all have a responsibility to take action, even though we can’t always solve the problem. But we can at least show solidarity with the person who is being harmed, acknowledging that something is wrong here. 

An ally’s job is to hold up a mirror, inviting others to pay attention to what we are noticing. And it could be as simple as, “I think what you said sounds biased”. It’s surprisingly effective. Don’t beat around the bush. Just state it, in its simplest terms, leaving out any adjectives, or emotional language. You’re not attacking them or their character, or implying disgust with their behavior. You are simply giving them an opportunity to examine their thinking. 

We tend to fear that confronting people will harm our relationship with that person, but it can actually improve your working relationship and your team’s culture. Effectively standing up to bias, when you notice it, will help you and your team work better together to achieve your goals.

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Tips for Interrupting Bias at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode sixteen. 

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch. I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com. And if you liked the show, please tell a friend, subscribe, rate, and review. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thanks for joining me.