Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode one hundred and one. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

Negotiation is an inherent part of life, a skill we all engage in, whether we realize it or not. It’s the art of navigating through the complexities of different perspectives and interests to reach mutually satisfactory agreements. Men and women often approach negotiations differently, shaped by societal expectations, upbringing, and inherent differences in communication styles. 

In this episode, we discuss what it takes to tame tough negotiations because to succeed in life, personally and professionally, you must learn to negotiate effectively. Negotiation is not a choice, it’s a necessity. It’s the way things get done. In a world where everyone is striving to fulfill their own desires, you have no option but to engage in the art of negotiation to secure what you rightfully deserve. It’s about strategizing and not having to make too much of a compromise in order to come to an agreement. How successful have you been in finding that balance between asserting your needs and fostering relationships?

The truth is, men and women perceive the world differently, leading them to pursue their goals in diverse ways. Negotiation, the art of getting what you deserve, becomes the bridge that connects these perspectives. Men often focus on outcomes, considering negotiation as a means to an end. In contrast, women tend to prioritize relationships, viewing the negotiation as an end in itself. Recognizing these differences is the first step towards honing negotiation skills.

Mastering the art of negotiation becomes a compass to guide us through life. It can have transformative effects that touch every facet of our existence. Picture a world where the skill of negotiation isn’t just a tool but a catalyst for profound changes. It goes beyond the boardroom and boosting your income, to influencing the choices your kids make and potentially fostering a more equitable distribution of responsibilities at home. As you master the skills of effective negotiation, the outcomes aren’t just financial gains, they’re the building blocks of a reality you actively shape. 

Enhanced confidence emerges as the unsung hero in the negotiation saga. It’s the secret sauce that infuses your proposals with conviction, persuading others to see the value in what you bring to the table. Confidence isn’t just a personality trait; it’s a daily practice, a skill honed through active listening and purposeful questioning. 

When confidence becomes second nature, the negotiation process takes on a different tone. It’s not just about getting what you want, it’s about exuding a quiet certainty that resonates with others. This newfound confidence becomes a force multiplier, creating a positive feedback loop that elevates not only your personal negotiations, but could also extend its influence into the workplace environment. As you navigate the world with assurance, you become a catalyst for change, shaping not only your destiny, but also contributing to the betterment of those around you. 

Yet, the journey to negotiation mastery is not without its challenges. Societal conditioning, ingrained from an early age, often influences our approach to negotiations. Breaking free from these preconceived notions requires not only skill, but also a willingness to trust the people you’re dealing with. Because negotiating is not a solitary pursuit, it’s a collaborative process. Understanding the nuances of communication styles and having the flexibility to adapt to diverse negotiation environments contributes to overcoming these challenges. It’s about creating a space where everyone can harness the power of negotiation to get what they need to build a more empowered future. 

In the realm of negotiation, it’s not uncommon for people, particularly women, to find themselves navigating uncharted waters. The discomfort often experienced in negotiating situations can be traced back to a lack of early exposure or, more significantly, being conditioned to view negotiation as a form of manipulation rather than a skill to be mastered. 

It’s an unfortunate reality that societal norms sometimes dictate a predefined role for women in negotiations, leading to hesitation and unease. However, the crucial realization is that negotiation isn’t about personal preferences. It’s an essential aspect of life that transcends likes or dislikes. To unlock your negotiation potential, there’s a need to break free from these societal constraints and embrace negotiation as simply a tool for personal and professional growth. 

As women, we’re often taught to avoid confrontation, so we tend to struggle to assert our needs and wait for an invitation that will probably never come. Yet, it’s paramount to recognize that negotiation is not a question of whether you enjoy it or not; it’s about recognizing its necessity in achieving your goals. 

By acknowledging the discomfort and proactively working towards dismantling these ingrained beliefs, we can open ourselves to a world of possibilities. It’s about reframing negotiation as an opportunity for collaboration and mutual benefit rather than a confrontational act. This shift in perspective is the cornerstone of unleashing your potential and establishing a more balanced and less intimidating landscape.

The discomfort associated with negotiation often arises from the fear of being perceived as too bossy or demanding. However, it’s hard to get what you want if you don’t make the case showing that you deserve it. It’s about recognizing that negotiation is a skill that can be cultivated, refined, and wielded effectively to shape your future. 

Negotiation goes beyond simply having a discussion; it’s about convincing others to see the world through your lens. Achieving this requires finesse in the art of persuasion, effective communication, and a mastery of body language. The key lies in presenting your ideas in a manner that resonates with the values and interests of the other party. This alignment creates a common ground, fostering an environment conducive to finding agreement. 

To navigate this delicate terrain successfully, honing skills such as active listening becomes paramount. It’s about not just hearing words, but understanding the underlying messages, allowing you to tailor your proposals in a way that addresses their core concerns. 

Purposeful questioning can serve as a strategic tool in your negotiation toolkit. By asking the right questions, you glean essential information, gaining insights into the motivations and priorities of the other side. This not only positions you as a thoughtful and engaged negotiator, but also empowers you with the knowledge needed to craft compelling arguments. Incorporating negotiation tactics like concessions and anchoring adds depth to your persuasive efforts. Concessions showcase your willingness to collaborate, fostering an atmosphere of reciprocity, while anchoring helps set the tone for the negotiation, influencing the perception of value attached to specific proposals. 

Changing your perspective on negotiation from a conflict of interest to a problem-solving endeavor is a crucial paradigm shift. Embracing a win-win negotiating model transforms negotiations into collaborative ventures rather than adversarial battles. It involves a proactive exploration of solutions that satisfy the interests of all parties involved. This approach not only results in more agreements, but also cultivates long-term relationships based on mutual respect and understanding. In essence, effective negotiation isn’t about pushing your agenda at the expense of others; it’s about crafting solutions that elevate everyone involved, fostering a culture of cooperation and shared success. 

Here are three pillars of negotiation success: 

• Confidence
• Preparation
• Willingness to walk away

Confidence acts as a secret weapon influencing how your proposals are perceived. To be persuasive, it’s not just what you say but how you say it that matters. Building confidence involves daily practice to improve your skills with active listening and understanding underlying interests.

Preparation, on the other hand, is the foundation for success. Knowing what you want, understanding the landscape, and having a clear bottom line provides a significant advantage. 

The willingness to walk away is a powerful stance that prevents you from being taken advantage of and reinforces your value in the negotiation. It can be hard to recognize when your efforts just won’t get you what you want, but at that point, nothing you say will make a difference. 

Negotiating ‘like a man’ or trying to fit into a predefined mold is counterproductive. Authenticity is key. Choose a negotiating style that reflects who you are. Some of us can be soft-spoken negotiators while still maintaining our positions. Disagreements can be handled politely but firmly, providing reasons and alternatives. There is no need for raising your voice and slamming your fist on the table, although I have seen a lot of that in my time. Negotiation is not about adopting a tough demeanor, but about delivering your message with confidence. 

Women face unique challenges in negotiations, including societal expectations and a potential double standard. Assertiveness, the ability to say no, and maintaining emotional objectivity are critical skills that many of us struggle with. Don’t let emotional displays affect the negotiation process, yours or theirs. Our abilities to negotiate effectively are often underestimated, so that can be used to our advantage. 

Negotiation is not bound by rigid rules. Taking calculated risks and being willing to break away from traditional mindsets can lead to extraordinary outcomes. As women, we are often taught to avoid risk, so we need to challenge this mindset. Sometimes, calculated risks can yield significant rewards. Changing the rules and approaching negotiations with a fresh perspective can redefine the game. 

Understanding the necessity of honing negotiation skills lays the foundation for navigating the complexities of business and personal interactions. When faced with a stubborn negotiator, these well-crafted skills become indispensable, guiding us to respond with strategic empathy, effective reframing, and a commitment to mutual problem-solving. 

Here are five steps to respond to a stubborn negotiator:

1. Don’t attempt to control their behavior
2. View the situation from their perspective
3. Don’t reject, reframe
4. Don’t push
5. Use your power to educate

When faced with a stubborn negotiator, the first and perhaps most crucial step is to resist the urge to control their behavior. In moments of difficulty, it’s essential to buy yourself some time for thoughtful consideration. Avoid making impulsive decisions on the spot. Instead, take a break, whether physical or mental, or both. Picture yourself standing on a balcony looking down on the negotiation. This brief pause can provide the mental space needed to navigate the challenges ahead more effectively, ensuring that decisions you make are made with a clear and strategic mindset.

Shifting perspectives is a powerful tool when dealing with a tough negotiator. Rather than engaging in direct confrontation, step to their side, perhaps, just for a moment. Resist the temptation to argue and instead seek to understand their viewpoint. Actively listen, ask questions to clarify their interests, and acknowledge their points where possible. Acknowledging doesn’t mean agreeing. Be sure to express your own views without provocation in order to create an environment conducive to discussion. This empathetic approach not only disarms potential hostility, but also lays the foundation for a more cooperative exchange of ideas. 

When faced with resistance, reframing the negotiation as a joint problem solving exercise can be a game-changer. Turn attacks on you into attacks on the problem at hand. Pose problem-solving questions such as “why”, “why not”, and “what if”. This encourages a collaborative exploration of solutions. Open-ended questions and the strategic use of silence can further shift the dynamics. By reframing the discussion, the focus moves away from personal attacks, fostering a more constructive atmosphere that encourages finding a resolution. 

Avoid the pitfalls of pushing a stubborn negotiator. Instead, draw them gently in the direction you desire, ensuring they save face and perceive the agreement as a victory. Overcoming obstacles to agreement involves understanding that certain barriers may include resistance to ideas that aren’t their own, unmet interests, fear of looking weak, or simply the discomfort with things moving too quickly for their liking. Offer them a path to backtrack with dignity. Ask for and build on their ideas and guide them step-by-step toward a solution. Patience is key. Don’t rush to the finish line and only seek a final commitment at the end. 

Strategically use your power to educate the stubborn negotiator about the consequences of not reaching an agreement. Ask reality-testing questions to prompt them to consider the potential outcomes. Avoid direct threats, opting for warnings that highlight the undesirable results of failed negotiations. Demonstrate your best alternative to a negotiated agreement, showcasing the advantageous alternatives for you should the negotiations falter. The ultimate goal is mutual satisfaction, emphasizing collaboration over victory, and paving the way for a more fruitful negotiation process.

In navigating negotiations, responding to a stubborn negotiator sets the stage for adeptly handling challenges and laying the groundwork for resilience. Similarly, understanding the art of dealing with dirty tricks during negotiations becomes a complimentary skill set, fortifying your ability to navigate complexities and ensuring a strategic and ethical approach to securing favorable outcomes. 

Here are three steps to deal with dirty tricks during a negotiation:

1. Recognize the tactic
2. Raise the issue
3. Question the tactic’s legitimacy and desirability

When faced with dirty tricks during negotiations, this three-pronged approach can help navigate and diffuse the situation. First and foremost, it’s crucial to recognize the tactic being employed, honing in on your instincts as your initial guide. Trusting your gut can provide early detection, allowing you to stay one step ahead. 

Once the tactic is identified, the second step involves raising the issue. By openly discussing the tactic, you diminish its effectiveness, and bringing it into the light reduces its potential power. 

Then, the third step is to discuss the negotiation process itself by questioning the tactic outright. This proactive approach disrupts the intended impact of the trick, creating space for transparency and resolution.

For instance, if the tactic involves anger, avoid dismissing or succumbing to emotional blackmail. Instead, investigate the trigger behind the anger and seek solutions to bring the negotiation back on track. 

In the case of insults, have the other party articulate what an acceptable offer should entail from their perspective and explore which aspects of your offer were unacceptable to them and why. Understanding their perspective on your proposal can neutralize the impact of this tactic and help you uncover their interests and concerns. 

When guilt is the chosen tactic, isolating the emotions from the issues at hand becomes paramount. Separate the people from the problem, as they say. Ask them to tell you what they would propose in order to proceed with the deal from their perspective and uncover what they see as being fair to everyone involved.

Similarly, when faced with exasperation as a tactic, acknowledging the pressure is a crucial initial step. Offering a postponement option shows empathy while maintaining a commitment to the negotiation process. By sympathizing with the situation, yet keeping the negotiation on track, you can mitigate the impact of exasperation as a manipulative tool, ensuring a more rational and collaborative negotiation environment. 

Negotiation is the process that allows us to advocate for our desires. Everyone has the capacity to negotiate effectively, but it requires shedding preconceived notions, embracing a genuine desire to come to an agreement, and developing a willingness to take risks. Negotiation is not merely a skill, it’s a mindset that empowers us to challenge societal norms, shape our future, and attain the success we deserve. 

As you navigate your negotiations, remember, it’s not just about getting what you want, it’s about helping others achieve their objectives simultaneously. In the world of negotiation, everyone has the potential to be a hero. 

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Taming Tough Negotiations at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode one hundred and one.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com.

If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It’s my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what’s holding you back in your career, and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I’d love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.