Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success Podcast, episode seventy-five. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

The barriers are real when working in a male-dominated profession like engineering. We love the challenge of our work and we’re not ready to throw in the towel just because of a few toxic people who don’t think we belong. But let’s face it, toxic behavior is a reality in many workplaces, and women need to know how to recognize it and cope with it in order to succeed.

In this episode, we’ll start by examining why understanding toxic behavior is critical for our safety and well-being. Toxic behavior can take a toll on our physical and emotional health, leading to stress, anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues. By knowing what toxic behavior looks like, we can identify when we’re being subjected to it and take steps to protect ourselves.

But it’s not just about our well-being. Toxic behavior can also hold us back in our careers. If we’re constantly dealing with harassment, discrimination, or bullying, we may not have the chance to showcase our skills and talents. Learning how to cope with toxic behavior can help us navigate the workplace more effectively and achieve our career goals.

And let’s not forget about creating a supportive work environment. When we understand toxic behavior and how to cope with it, we can speak out against it and advocate for changes in the workplace, if we choose to. By doing so, we can help create a more comfortable and accepting workplace culture, not just for ourselves but for our colleagues too.

By recognizing and finding a way to cope with the toxic behavior we routinely experience, we can challenge gender stereotypes, shine a light on gender-based bias, and help pave the way for more women to succeed. So, let’s arm ourselves with knowledge and resilience. We can’t let toxic people hold us back from achieving our dreams. 

Let’s face it: toxic people are everywhere. And somehow, we’re always supposed to be the ones to work around their bad attitudes, make nice, and pretend like everything is okay. It can take many forms, such as gossiping, passive-aggressive behavior, bullying, gaslighting, bias, discrimination, and harassment. But the reality is that toxic behavior in the workplace can have serious consequences on our psyches. 

Unchecked toxic behavior can lead to headaches, muscle tension, fatigue, high levels of stress, anxiety, depression, low morale, decreased productivity, and high turnover rates. In the worst cases, it can also result in legal action, damage to the company’s reputation, and significant financial costs. So why are toxic people tolerated in the workplace? Often, it’s because they have some special skill that people think they can’t live without. But at what cost?

Toxic behavior doesn’t just affect the mental and physical health of employees, it can create a culture of mistrust and competition, making it difficult for us to work together effectively. And let’s not forget that all of this has an impact on the bottom line of the company. 

Recognizing and addressing toxic behavior early on is crucial to prevent it from escalating and causing further harm. Employers need to take responsibility and create a healthy and productive work environment by addressing toxic behavior when it occurs, providing resources for employees to deal with it, and making sure that everyone is held accountable for their actions. And yet, in my experience there’s no desire to actually do any of that, even when the policies are already in place.

In my opinion, toxic behavior in the workplace is not something to be ignored or tolerated. It has real consequences that affect not only the people involved but also the success of the organization. So let’s stop making excuses for toxic people and start creating a workplace culture where everyone can thrive.

Gaslighting is a term used to describe a type of emotional abuse people can experience in the workplace where the abuser manipulates us into questioning our own reality, memory, or perception. Toxic people are those who display patterns of harmful behavior such as manipulation, verbal or emotional abuse, and belittling towards others. Unfortunately, women in male-dominated professions can be particularly vulnerable to both gaslighting and toxic people.

One reason for this vulnerability is the power imbalances that exist in any hierarchy. In many workplaces, and especially in engineering, men often hold more power and authority than women. This power dynamic can make it easier for men to engage in gaslighting and other forms of toxic behavior towards their female colleagues. We’re already facing stereotypes and biases that undermine our competence and abilities. This, and our own imposter syndrome, can make us more susceptible to gaslighting, as we may already be questioning our own abilities and worth.

Isolation is another factor that can make women more vulnerable to gaslighting and other forms of manipulation from toxic people. Women may feel like they have no one to turn to, particularly if the toxic behavior is coming from someone in a position of power or authority, who may have a lot of say in their career advancement within the organization.

Being the target of gaslighting and toxic behavior can be extremely damaging for women in the workplace. It can lead to feelings of self-doubt, anxiety, and depression. It can also impact our job performance and ultimately, the ability to advance in our careers. We may start to feel like we can’t trust our own perceptions, beginning to doubt our abilities, feeling isolated, walking on eggshells, and feeling powerless which can then make us feel completely helpless, that life is happening to us and nothing we do will make any difference. Helpless and disempowered.

To address this issue, it would be great for organizations to create a culture where toxic behavior is not tolerated, but that’s not actually happening in most organizations. Sometimes the worst offenders are the most celebrated individuals due to some particular skill they’ve developed that has made them untouchable. 

We should all have access to support and resources to help us navigate these situations, but that help can be hard to find. It won’t be until we have a safe and supportive environment that we will feel more empowered to speak out against gaslighting and toxic behavior. And until that happens, we miss out on the benefits that a more inclusive and respectful workplace can provide.

So, are you dealing with some form of toxic behavior in the workplace? Fun times, right? The good news is that there are some things you can do to protect yourself.

First, you need to recognize the signs of toxic behavior. Is someone constantly belittling you or undermining your work? That’s the kind of toxic behavior we’re talking about. Once you recognize the behavior, it’s time to set some boundaries. You can still be the professional and say no to requests that would add too much to your already overloaded responsibilities. You can stand up for yourself, and maintain your self-respect, while still being respectful to those around you, even when they may not deserve it.

It’s also important to seek support from your friends, family, or a career coach. Having a support system in place while you’re going through this experience can make a huge difference in how you feel about the situation.

If this rings true for you, take the time to document what’s happening. You just never know when you might need it. Keeping a record can help you gather evidence if you decide to report the behavior to a supervisor in the future or if HR ever decides to ask you about it.

Speaking up can be tough, but it’s important. Whether it’s confronting the person directly or reporting the behavior to someone in authority, taking action can help you feel more empowered and create change in the workplace. Sometimes, it’s our own denial of the situation that makes us feel powerless.

Don’t forget to prioritize your own self-care too. Getting enough rest, exercise, and healthy food can help you better manage stress and build resilience. That’s your first line of defence in protecting yourself and reducing your vulnerability to all types of manipulation.

It starts by first recognizing the behavior, setting boundaries, seeking support, documenting what’s going on, speaking up and advocating for change if you’re ready, and most importantly,  taking care of yourself. By doing these things, you can protect yourself and maybe set things in motion to eventually create a safer, more respectful workplace culture for everyone. 

If those toxic people aren’t going anywhere, we do still need to get our work done and communicating with toxic people can be a real challenge. But fear not, there are some strategies that can make it a bit easier. 

Here are 5 tips for navigating those difficult conversations with toxic individuals without getting burned:

First up, try using “I” statements instead of “you” statements. This way, you’re taking ownership of your own feelings and experiences, rather than blaming or accusing the other person. Plus, it can be harder for them to twist your words around if you’re just talking about yourself.

When addressing specific behaviors that are causing problems, focus on the behavior itself, rather than attacking the person’s character. Saying something like “when you do X, it makes me feel Y” is much more effective than just calling them some version of a terrible human being.

Toxic people can be real emotional vampires, so it’s important to stay calm and not react emotionally, which is definitely easier said than done. Take a deep breath and try to respond in a rational manner, because what they are really trying to do is get a rise out of you. And when they don’t, they tend to move on to easier prey. Much like that playground bully you may have encountered.

Don’t forget to be assertive and stand up for yourself. Make your boundaries clear and communicate them firmly, but respectfully. And if things get too intense or unsafe, don’t be afraid to seek outside support or, if you’re ready for where it might lead, report the behavior to HR. But I caution you, HR is there to protect the company, not you as the employee.

Another tip is to focus on the facts and avoid making assumptions or judgments. Use active listening techniques and validate their feelings, even if you don’t necessarily agree with their behavior or perspective. And finally, remember to prioritize your own well-being and seek support when you need it. This is not easy and you’re going to need help in trying to cope.

Many people may not be aware of the long-term effects that the toxic behavior of others can have on their mental and emotional health, as well as their career progression. They may also be unsure of how to handle toxic behavior from colleagues or superiors.

Sometimes, the easiest solution might be to remove yourself from the situation, but you might be stuck in a toxic work environment for a while, because most of us can’t just quit our jobs at the drop of a hat. It’s like being stuck between a rock and a hard place, but don’t worry, there are some strategies that can help you deal with these toxic people in your workplace. 

It starts by identifying the problem and defining the outcome you desire. Do you want the behavior to stop? Do you want an apology or acknowledgement? Do you want to change your role or leave that group or department? Be clear about what it is you want before you attempt to communicate directly with the toxic person. They don’t need to know what you want, but you do. Protect yourself by documenting every interaction or incident related to the toxic behavior, including dates, times, and details of what was said or done, without emotional commentary.

Here are 5 additional tips for dealing with these pesky people who can cause us a lot of grief:

1. Set boundaries. It’s important to protect your emotional well-being and prevent toxic people from draining your energy. Limit your interactions with these people or avoid certain topics of conversation that are triggering for you.
2. Practice self-care. You need to manage stress and stay grounded. Taking care of yourself is the best way to help you cope with challenging situations as they arise. Try exercising, meditating, journaling, or other activities that help you relax and recharge. You need to be on your toes in order not to react in kind when provoked.
3. Seek support. Talk to colleagues, friends, therapist or career coach to find the best strategies to help you cope with your particular situation.
4. Focus on the positive aspects of your job or workplace. Look for ways to find meaning or fulfillment in your work. This can help counteract the negativity of toxic people that you don’t have any control over.
5. Stay professional. This can be harder than it sounds. It also seems unfair to have to take the high road when they are doing anything but. But avoid getting drawn into arguments or personal attacks, and focus on doing your job to the best of your ability. Reacting in kind will only hurt your credibility going forward, no matter how they are provoking you.

Focus on your response rather than reacting to their behavior. This means being aware of your emotions, and taking steps to manage them in a healthy way. This is something we do have control over, even when everything else seems to be happening to us. 

Sometimes, when it comes down to it, if the powers that be aren’t doing anything to curb the toxicity in your workplace, it may be time to consider finding another opportunity somewhere else. 

But you don’t want to step out of the frying pan into the fire, so if you need to find a better work environment, keep an eye out for these red flags that might indicate that it’s no better there than where you want to escape from. These include:

• High employee turnover
• Lack of transparency
• Poor communication
• Micromanagement
• Bullying or harassment
• Unreasonable workloads
• Lack of support

But these aren’t necessarily things they are going to tell you in your interview with a prospective employer. Generally, they know better than that! When you’re looking for a new job, do your research to avoid ending up in another toxic work environment. Look for organizations that prioritize employee well-being, have a clear mission statement and values similar to your own, and provide opportunities for growth and development. It’s also important to reach out to current or former employees to get an insider perspective on the organization’s culture and work environment. You want to know what you might be stepping into. Forewarned is forearmed.

Remember, don’t question yourself. Enduring a toxic workplace culture can have a significant impact on your mental and physical health, so prioritize your well-being and future career potential. You don’t want to go from one bad experience to another. But, I don’t want you to get the impression that every organization is a toxic cesspool that you just have to survive. They aren’t all bad. You might just have to keep looking until you find the right match. 

Dealing with toxic people in the workplace can be challenging, but it is possible to manage the situation in a healthy and effective way, while still maintaining your professionalism. By setting clear boundaries, focusing on your own response, and seeking support, you can protect your well-being and do what you can to maintain a positive and productive work environment, even if it’s just until you find something better.

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Protecting Yourself at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode seventy-five.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com.

If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It’s my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what’s holding you back in your career, and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I’d love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.