Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success Podcast, episode forty-six. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

Work is all about change, growth, development, and reinvention. The journey never really ends. It just changes over time. We just need to keep heading in the right direction, and do some course correction over time, to ensure we end up where it is we want to go. 

In this episode, we look at who we are becoming by first, looking back at how far we’ve come, taking the time to appreciate the here and now, and then looking forward to what’s next. Who you are becoming starts with discovering who you really are behind the facades, behind the defenses you use to protect yourself, and beyond the stresses of everyday life. 

Most likely you’ve done a lot of exploration and experimentation to get to where you are. Who you are is determined by the choices you’ve made. We’ve all made choices, some consciously, and some we may have drifted into. Bringing more awareness to this can help you discover what motivates and energizes you. And then you’ll find it empowering to seek these elements in the work you choose to do, and also by avoiding the things that frustrate you and demotivate you, where possible. 

Does where you are now allow you to make good use of your talents and your strengths? If so, great. If not, where could you make some new choices that are more aligned? 

If you’re like me, you may be constantly searching for who you really are because you’ve spent a lot of years repressing that person or simply trying to conform to some ideal, which made you lose sight of what you knew of yourself, or simply forgot out of neglect. It’s about having a strong sense of identity, a sense of self, knowing that you belong in this world just as much as anyone else. And knowing ourselves is important because it provides that foundation for us. 

When we’re solid in who we are, we don’t let the praise go to our heads or take the shaming to heart. To know who we are, we have to know what’s important and there’s no room for anyone else to tell us who we are. But we tend to discount our needs and wants so much that we forget what they are.

We can’t be ourselves because we’ve been insulted, beaten down, trampled upon, punished, abused, and made fun of so often, we’ve lost our way. We swallowed who we are to fit in, to belong, and to conform. And some might say that was by design because where we’re struggling so hard to fit in wasn’t made for us, so it’s hard to feel that sense of belonging.

But again, who you are is determined by the choices you’ve made. So let’s explore what some of those choices have been. What are the choices you’ve made and are they in alignment with where your strengths lie? Your career must be aligned with who you are for your life to feel balanced and fulfilling. If you value creativity but have little opportunity to generate new ideas,

you may feel stifled. If you enjoy leading people, but there are no management openings in your department, you may want something that offers more leadership opportunities. Because when we’re unhappy at work, that leads us to underachieving. Ill-fitting jobs demand different talents from what we have, and then it’s a constant struggle where we find ourselves under a great deal of stress and pressure just to get through the day.

Sometimes the choices we’ve made are because we’re afraid of being ourselves, knowing that if we were to show up as ourselves, we’d be judged for it, by being too loud, too aggressive, too passionate, too intimidating, too quiet, or even too sensitive. These might sound rather benign, but in saying these things, they aren’t making a casual observation. They are requesting that we change that thing they’ve called out, which makes us feel self-conscious or embarrassed about it. So we turn inward to fix something about ourselves that someone else has defined as a problem, and that’s often something we can’t change because it’s who we are. 

And yet, we still internalize these critiques and then we spend a lot of our time worrying about being different in these ways, and trying, rather unsuccessfully, to change what has earned us these judgments. If we are to get very literal about the wording, being too much is to be excessive. But the opposite of being too much is to be too little, and they wonder why we struggle with playing small. 

We’ve adopted and internalized these critiques and feel obligated in some way to change ourselves, in order to satisfy their insecurities, but their judgments say more about them than they do about you. So in trying to fix ourselves, we become someone we’re not, but someone we think will be more acceptable to them. But what about being true to ourselves? 

Our job is not to stop being this person we are accused of being, or else we’d be changing ourselves constantly to make those around us feel better about their own insecurities or failures. It’s not your job to make them comfortable with their discomfort.

So embrace the choices you’ve made that have determined who you are. Then, we’ll take this a step further, by examining why you’ve made the choices you have. What is the payoff for making the choice you make? When we know the why, it’s easier to see how you can become more fulfilled through the work that you do. It’s an important step towards self-discovery and defining your purpose.

It’s tempting to believe someone else’s experience of you, to believe their projection of who they think you are, but that’s just one interpretation. And let them be wrong about you. It’s possible that everyone will continue to misunderstand you and you can’t control that, but you can control your own image of yourself in all its magnificent messiness. Because of their judgment of you, they don’t get the best version of you, who is free to show up as yourself, because you’re so worried that they won’t like who you really are, you spend your time trying to be something you think they will find more palatable. 

But what if there really is something to these judgments that I shouldn’t ignore? My recommendation is to ask yourself a few questions: 

• Is this thing they’ve identified getting in the way of my personal growth? 
• Is this thing they’ve identified harming someone else? 
• Or, is this critique coming from someone who actually respects me and has my best interests at heart?

Sometimes these judgments are coming from those who care about us and want the very best for us. They may mean well and are trying to protect us, but they are projecting their own insecurities, anxieties, and fears onto us, and that’s not something we need to worry about. If your ‘too muchness’ is not getting in the way of who you are becoming, or actually hurting someone else, don’t apologize for it. 

We’ve been taught that being too different is not welcome, so we continue to try to conform to some ideal, doing whatever we have to do, hoping that we might eventually find a place where we don’t have to worry about being too much or not enough, where we could be comfortable being ourselves. 

But in the meantime, do what you can, where you are, and don’t beat yourself up. You will always be too much for somebody. You can try, but sometimes I wonder why we even bother, because someone will still consider your attempt not good enough. 

So we’ve done the looking back and now it’s time to appreciate the here and now by acknowledging the result that you have created for yourself. Celebrate your accomplishment while, at the same time, recognize where you’ve fallen short of your own expectations.

We tend to try to be humble and modest because we’ve been told that to do otherwise would lead others to think we feel superior to them. But sometimes, you have to show up and let people know you’ve done great work. It’s good to be proud of what you’ve accomplished. You’ve done the work and earned the accolades. I know I wish I could be more unapologetic about the great things I’ve done, but somehow that still doesn’t feel right to me. 

Many of us don’t know how to accept compliments. We’re quick to dismiss their kind words, where a simple thank you would go a long way. There’s really nothing wrong with our tendency to exchange compliments. That can be a nice thing to do, but often we do it because we’re uncomfortable with being praised.

But there’s no point in always being self-deprecating or too quick to make fun of ourselves when there’s so many ready and waiting to do that for us. Somehow we’ve turned humility into perpetual self-deprecation where we’re convinced that the more we downplay our greatness, the better the world will be. So we end up selling ourselves short. 

We even struggle telling our friends and family about our accomplishments and good news because it feels like we’re bragging. But really, our achievements are factual things and not talking about them doesn’t mean they didn’t happen. And if that makes someone feel like you’re bragging, so what!? Don’t let people make you feel bad for being successful because we have to make our achievements known. Great work doesn’t speak for itself. 

And it’s not about what they think. Sometimes what we’ve achieved reflects other people’s shortcomings. It’s like we’re holding up a mirror to their failures and then we become the target of their disdain because people want the confidence that we have and resent us for it. 

If you have a strong sense of self, of what you’re capable of, then the words and actions of everyone else are less likely to affect you. There are really terrible people out there who think they are amazing, and people believe them, because they’ve convinced others that they are. And yet, we are questioning ourselves at every turn. 

So why is it possible that people with far fewer skills than you can believe they are exceptional? There is power in developing unshakable confidence. And when you believe, you are more able to convince others, as well. But when you aren’t holding that belief, and you’re questioning yourself every step of the way, that’s imposter syndrome at work.

So what can we do to counteract that? In looking back, and appreciating how far we’ve come, I’m sure you’ve identified some of your accomplishments and great achievements. So what could you do more of to create more of those kinds of results? 

We tend to talk about the fear of failure, but for me, the fear of success is just as real, if not more so. We know exactly what it takes to get what we want and to see our dreams realized, but it scares us to think of how limitless our lives can really be. Somehow, we’re unsure that if we taste success, that we’ll be able to sustain it, and we worry that we can’t handle the responsibility that comes with it. 

A lot of this worry comes from imposter syndrome, where we tend to question whether we deserve whatever the opportunities are, which leads us to talking ourselves out of winning before we even get in the race. Why are we so afraid of what could be that we never even give ourselves a chance? 

Sometimes I’m afraid of what could happen, not if I failed, but what if I was really good at it? That’s when I tend to let fear dictate my decision making. Sometimes, my imposter syndrome does have some redeeming value. It keeps me humble and curious. When I don’t think I’m good enough, I strive to do better and be better, which in turn fuels my desire for lifelong learning, where I continue to hone my skills. In contrast to those who are confident in their abilities, because they’re the ones who do not become better at their craft. They’re the ones who think they are so good, they just need to show up. 

Continuing to learn reminds me that my journey is unfolding exactly as it should, and what I have to do is trust that I’m exactly where I need to be, and that I’m ready for what’s next. And this is where we get to decide what we want to do differently. I, for one, would stop letting fear drive my actions, and stop letting imposter syndrome keep me from doing what I’m here to do. Because while I’ve convinced myself that I’m not yet ready, everything I’ve done up until now has prepared me for this, so I am ready. 

It’s not that the fear will disappear, it’s that I can do it anyway. Imposter syndrome is the cousin of fear. It’s that feeling of trying to be something you’re not, and playing a role that you don’t feel at home in. But we don’t give ourselves enough credit. We let imposter syndrome trick us into thinking that we don’t belong.

How many times have you let imposter syndrome convince you to say no to something you should have said yes to? How many times have you allowed fear to talk you out of doing things that could have advanced your career because you didn’t think you were ready? How many times has imposter syndrome told you not to apply for that job you are so qualified for? 

Imposter syndrome tells us that we need to be perfect, otherwise we are failing. But we need to realize that perfection is the enemy of progress, and it’s not even possible to attain. And yet, we’re constantly striving for it. I’m here to invite you to take the pressure off. Imposter syndrome convinces us that what makes us different reduces our value in the world of work, but our difference is often our superpower. 

Remember, you’re not there because anyone is doing you a favor. You’re there because of the value you bring. Your opportunities are not from people taking pity on you, but are a result of consistent hard work over a sustained period of time. Imposter syndrome tells us that everyone is better than us because they seem to be further ahead, or seem to have it more together than we do.

Imposter syndrome has us questioning what people say about us that’s good. We tend to ignore or discount when people say we’re smart or good at what we do. But the moment someone tells us something negative, we take that as fact. 

So I’ll leave you with three tips for how to fight imposter syndrome by reminding yourself that: 

1. I am enough and I don’t have to be the best.
2. I worked hard for this. My success is earned and I just need to keep doing what I’m doing and doing it well. 
3. I make the most of the opportunities before me because I’m not here by accident and no one’s doing me any favors because I’m exactly where I belong. 

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Who You Are Becoming at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode forty-six.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com. And if you liked this show, please tell a friend. Subscribe, rate, and review. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thanks for joining me.