Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode twenty-three. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

Most people feel stuck in patterns that make them unhappy. We find ourselves physically and emotionally exhausted, where our stress levels have risen beyond the point of our body’s ability to regulate. At this point, it’s important to ask yourself, what am I running from? 

In this episode, we’ll dive into what triggers our frustration. It may surprise you that what sets you off really isn’t the thing that someone says or does, or any situation at work for that matter. It’s what you’re making it mean with the stories you’re telling yourself that is causing you to feel frustrated and angry. That’s good news, because we can do something about that. 

There are patterns to what make us unhappy. The tendency to burn out is a sure sign there’s something underneath that we have not yet resolved. Take that moment to get curious. What am I avoiding? Why do I keep needing to feel seen? Why do I obsess about doing everything right? Why am I feeling like I’m not enough? Why am I pushing so hard? Why am I so anxious, frustrated, or angry all the time? Why do I burn myself out? And why don’t I let anyone help me? 

One of the biggest blocks to our success is that pushing, that desire for control. Generally, it has a deeper wound beneath it. Deep down it’s coming from feelings of being inadequate or unworthy. From an outsider’s perspective, it seems so easy to say something like, “If it doesn’t make you happy, just change it”. But that’s easier said than done. It’s a habit that’s hard to break. We feel we have responsibilities, obligations, and reasons why we can’t just change it or walk away. 

So first we need to recognize the pattern. So the question becomes, what triggers you? What thoughts is this situation or person bringing up for you? When that trigger occurs, how do you feel in general? How does it feel in your body? Common responses are feeling frustrated, angry, and anxious. How do you respond to those feelings? 

Take a little inventory of something that triggers you. Focus on the feeling behind the trigger and how you respond to it. That awareness can be really handy when we look at all the different ways we get triggered. You can start to see that responses are very similar. 

Recognize that the pattern of coping, isn’t just a bad habit, it’s a way that you’ve been protecting yourself from feeling something deeper. And it tends to come out as anger. Recognize what activates that trigger for you and how it makes you feel, and why you’re running from it.

We are all running from something, so take the time to identify it. We may think we don’t know, but we do know that we can’t go on like this. Become more aware of the patterns and what’s causing those patterns to surface. 

Generally, we think it’s something someone says or does, or particular situations at work. Maybe you’ve started comparing yourself to your own expectations, what you thought would happen, but didn’t, who you thought you’d become, but haven’t. 

Triggers are personal. They’re conditioned by our experiences and our vulnerabilities. It might surprise you to know that they don’t have to do with the situation itself. No one causes you to compare or shame yourself. 

A trigger is created when you believe your thoughts and the feelings they evoke. Commonly, we think what triggers us is a mix and match of a particular kind of person, combined with a specific type of situation. It might be these kinds of people: someone who’s more senior than you, or maybe it’s someone more junior. Maybe it’s someone who’s smarter, faster or better than you, or maybe as someone not as smart or as good as you are. 

Maybe it’s someone you know well or someone you’re related to, or maybe it’s someone you don’t know well at all. Maybe it’s someone who challenges you, or maybe it’s someone who doesn’t challenge you at all. Maybe it’s someone who plays the victim, or maybe it’s someone who plays the villain. 

And maybe these types of situations resonate with you: when you know what’s going on, or when you’re uncertain, when time is short or when there’s confusion, ambiguity, uncertainty, or lack of data. Maybe when it’s political, or when you disagree with someone, or when there’s a lot at stake, or when that thing keeps recurring, or they keep making the same mistake over and over. Maybe it’s when they just don’t get it. Or maybe it’s when it’s easier just to do it yourself.

Having given this some thought, there are certain kinds of people and types of situations that trigger my frustration. It’s those who are lazy and judgmental. It’s those who see no value in process, personal development, or incremental improvement. It’s those who are oblivious to what isn’t working and continue to do the same thing over and over, hoping for a different result. 

It’s those who don’t recognize their lack of leadership is contributing to the negative performance of others. It’s those who are very opinionated, even when it’s obvious their opinions aren’t informed. And it’s those who are critical of everyone else’s contribution, but offer little, if any, value of their own. And it’s those who are so busy shielding themselves from criticism or blame, but not taking any responsibility. And it’s those who complain about everything, yet do nothing to improve the situation.

But really, it’s not what someone is doing or a particular situation at all. Different people can experience similar types of people and exactly the same situation and not be triggered. Being triggered is all in our thoughts about the person and the circumstances. 

It has nothing to do with the events or the other person at all. No one causes us to feel a particular way. Our thoughts about the person or circumstances are what cause us to feel frustrated, angry, or anxious. 

There are seven common stressors that trigger frustration. 

Number one is facing uncertainty. Maybe it’s the unknowns, the ambiguity, or the confusion. Some of us think we always have to know where we’re headed so that we are sure we’re doing the right thing. So then we need to have the right and wrong clearly defined at all times. It’s very black or white, with no room for anything in between. We’re petrified of making the wrong choice and acting in a way that might unintentionally be harmful. So anything that’s ambiguous makes us uncertain that we’re doing the right thing. 

That thinking is what causes our frustration and creates our anxiety. While we could be thinking that whatever we choose to do is the right option for us in this moment, which would create feelings of calm instead. 

Number two is lacking appreciation. Maybe it’s being ignored or unrecognized. We want to feel like we’re making a difference, but we feel like we’re not getting what we need when we don’t receive any individualized feedback. Sometimes we’re just expected to figure it out on our own, or perhaps we’re being micromanaged to a point where we no longer have to think for ourselves. 

Some of us think our self-worth is contingent upon being perceived as helpful, important, and necessary to others. So it can be very distressing to be ignored or disregarded by someone. It can show up as people pleasing because we desire acceptance and validation from others. We think we must achieve impressive and admirable feats. 

So having our achievements go unrecognized has us thinking that we’re no longer useful or valuable on a personal level. Then thinking that our efforts have been ignored or unappreciated ignites feelings of frustration and anxiety. While we could be thinking that the hard work we’ve done and all that we’ve achieved has, in fact, been helpful to others, which would create feelings of satisfaction instead. 

Number three, lacking creativity. Whether it’s feeling uninspired or having our options restricted. Some of us consider our creativity to be an important part of our identity. We think we must be more interesting and complex than those around us, and that our strengths lie in the offbeat and unconventional things that require creative thinking and unique solutions. 

As a result, creative dry spells, or being denied the opportunity to do things our way, can be highly distressing. Then thinking that we’re facing a creative block causes a feeling of frustration and anxiety. While we could be thinking that our creativity will return when we give ourselves some space to daydream, which would create feelings of calm instead. 

Number four is encountering unpredictable environments. We may be feeling a lack of control or feeling unprepared. Some of us desire to be always thinking ahead and making sure we’ve planned for what’s coming in order to feel in control. We think that ensuring we are prepared and in the know at all times is necessary. 

We tend to be masters of long-term planning. We’re always researching any new situation we might encounter in advance. And then thinking that if we’re caught off guard, in an unfamiliar environment, or face uncertainty, or things don’t go according to plan, then we are somehow no longer in control, which creates a feeling of frustration or anxiety. 

Then thinking we must avoid situations that force us to improvise, or play it by ear, in order to avoid careless mistakes. Thinking that we have to reevaluate our entire plan, without having adequate time to think through all possible courses of action, to determine the best one. So we go to great lengths to avoid being put on the spot or having to act before we’re ready to do so, while we could be thinking that we can figure it out, which would create feelings of security and control instead, whatever comes our way. 

Number five, experiencing overwhelm. Whether that be lacking guidance or being unsure of expectations. We’re worried about making a mistake, so we have a tough time getting started. And then we end up making more mistakes. Our perfectionism keeps us from having the courage to try new things. 

Some of us think that having a framework, a set of rules, or a mentor’s guidance to follow will allow us to feel more relaxed and comfortable. Then we’re thinking that we won’t know what to do unless we’re following the direction of others. 

And that having too much autonomy means we’re no longer able to determine what is expected of us, which creates a feeling of frustration or anxiety. While we could be thinking that we could trust ourselves to know what needs to be done, when we’re given the freedom to choose what to do, which would create feelings of security and control instead. 

Number six, relying on others. Whether that be lacking resources, having to delegate, or dealing with incompetence. Some of us don’t want to be held responsible for the work of others. And placing any aspect of the completion of the project in someone else’s hands leaves things open to going wrong. 

We have a desire to do things ourselves, on our own, to be in control, in order for things to be done right. Thinking we never want to have to hand over the reins to someone else, because we are always more prepared than anyone else. Then thinking that having to rely on others in order to achieve what we want somehow means that we are weak, or leaves us open to betrayal, which creates a feeling of uncertainty, frustration, and anxiety. 

While we could be thinking that we don’t have to be the one who does everything. And asking others for assistance gives them an opportunity to feel good about helping us out. And being able to trust others to come through for us when they are needed, which could create feelings of security and control instead. 

And finally, number seven, resolving conflict. Whether that be inner or external conflict. Some of us think that any form of conflict is a sign that something has gone wrong. Then thinking that our actions, our thoughts, and our words must always be in harmony, and never have any conflicting desires in order to maintain the peace. 

While we could be thinking that disagreement is not a disruption, but a chance to make things better, or that conflicting desires can be held simultaneously. And it’s not an indication of a problem, which could create feelings of calm instead.

Our secret weapon in all of this is having compassion. It’s not enough to have empathy. We need to take it further and show compassion for ourselves, and others. Empathy is to be a good listener, the ability to understand, and feel what others are feeling. While compassion goes beyond that, with a desire to help. It’s a progression from being empathetic to being compassionate.

Your feelings are created within you by the thoughts that you’re thinking. So meet them with compassion and openness. Question your thoughts and your opinions. Realize your interpretations are just stories you tell yourself, and they’re possibly lies. 

Not everyone does things with malicious intent. Give people the benefit of the doubt. That requires changing your perspective, to try to see things from their point of view. You attach meaning to the events that unfold in your life. And sometimes people don’t show up in the way that you expect them to. 

We can rewire our thinking about the situations that tend to trigger us. These mindset shifts can help you transform your thoughts, identify negative patterns, and help you change them. Have compassion for the thoughts that we have that make us feel inadequate or unworthy, and have compassion for the moments when we think we’ve messed up. 

Learn to witness your thoughts with compassion. Notice anything that has you a little upset or you’re resisting. It could be a belief from your past, or an attitude you’ve adopted. Understand that you’re doing the best you can, and have compassion for where you’re at right now. Stop beating yourself up. 

Your thoughts have activated an unresolved issue. We tend to respond with anger, frustration, and being protective of ourselves. It affects the way we work and how we relate to others. And when we don’t address them, we’re just going to stay in the constant cycle of trigger, fear response, and then acting out. 

Imagine if we could just all have more compassion for ourselves, and for the people around us, and stop beating up ourselves for not being enough. Show compassion for where you are right now in your journey.

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Identifying Your Triggers at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode twenty-three. 

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch. I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com. And if you liked the show, please tell a friend, subscribe, rate, and review. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thank you for joining me.