Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode thirty-two. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

We all have the need to vent, now and then. We all have those struggles that we want to get off our chest from time to time, but don’t you hate it when people complain about the same situation or event repeatedly and don’t do anything to solve the problem? It’s even worse when we try to offer a solution and the complainer becomes passive aggressive in return. 

In this episode, we’ll get into the reason why there’s no use in complaining about something, if you’re not willing to do the work required to change it. 

I’m sure I’m not the only one who hates listening to complaining, especially if the complainer in question isn’t looking for logical solutions. If you’re unhappy with the way things are, or you’re frustrated with certain aspects of your life, assume that it can be changed and figure out how to do it. Start thinking about what’s available and really consider the possibility for change. 

Back in the day, complaints weren’t unleashed unless they had a job to do or a mission to accomplish. They were used sparingly and productively. But complaining has gone from being goal directed and useful, to a national pastime with greater frequency, but stunningly ineffective results. 

We all face daily frustrations, resentments, and irritations. We expect better service, more immediate results, and more accommodations from service providers. Yet, when we don’t get what we expect, we don’t have a clue how to address them effectively. 

It’s a waste of our limited emotional resources. Complaints overshadow any positive comments. And complaining has become a major component in our daily lives. The impact it has on our mood and psychology is striking. Ineffective complaining damages our self-esteem, leads to depression and anxiety, affects relationships, and hinders our careers. And it can even pose significant risk to health and longevity. 

I’d like to invite you to view complaints as opportunities, not obstacles, and learn to make meaningful complaints more effectively. It’s time to stop indulging in venting alone and expecting to get results. 

Speaking up about a complaint and working to find a resolution makes us feel empowered, assertive, effective, and resourceful. It can boost our self-esteem and enhance feelings of efficacy. It can go a long way in helping us improve relationships, salvage partnerships, deepen friendships, and even battle depression. 

Complaining should be more than airing grievances. It’s about noticing the things that need attention and fixing, to bring about significant improvements in our lives. And yet, we tend to focus all our attention on what’s gone wrong and worrying about how bad it will get.

While some people like to complain about how bad they’ve got it now, I tend to extrapolate and quickly go to just how bad it could get. Some people call it awfulizing, when you spin something into something awful. I like the word catastrophizing, when someone assumes that the worst will happen. Often it involves believing that you’re in a worse situation than you really are, or you’re exaggerating the difficulties you actually face. Your brain turns into a vat of horrible ideas that torture you. 

It can be easy to dismiss catastrophizing as over-exaggeration, but it’s often not that simple because for a lot of people, it’s actually not intentional. Some people who do it often don’t realize they’re doing it. They get to a point where they feel that they have no control over their worries, and it can even begin to impact their health. 

In my experience, catastrophizing is totally unnecessary, but does that stop me? Not at all. It’s my coping mechanism. It’s what I do when I should be taking the ‘wait and see’ approach, waiting to see what’s really going to happen, instead of jumping to the worst case scenario, like when I’m waiting for feedback from a boss about an idea I’ve put forward, or something I’ve put together for comment, or even a performance review.

I spend a lot of time wondering what the feedback is going to be. I’m coming up with ideas about what the comments might be. I’m postulating. I’m guessing that they won’t like this or they’ll have an issue with that. I’m coming up with every single thing that’s bad and I’m never even entertaining that they might, in fact, find something good to say. 

I can spin it into a lengthy conversation with myself that takes up the entire allotted time that I’ve given to dwelling on it. I just simply spin theory after theory, and they tend to get progressively more negative, while I’m wondering what horrible things I’m going to hear, and postulating what I’m going to do if it’s this or it’s that. 

I’m telling myself that I want to be prepared for the feedback, but really there’s nothing I can actually do to prepare. When it happens, the actual feedback tends not to be anything terrible. It’s all relatively benign. It’s a meeting or a call that needs to happen, but I really don’t need to give it more than a moment of thought before it happens. It’s a reminder to myself and a lesson that I have to keep relearning. 

There’s nothing to gain from catastrophizing. The key is to recognize it when you’re doing it, try to catch yourself, and try to stop it. It’s really hard to stop it, but it’s worth a try. 

Remember, if it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen, whether you worry about it or not. 

Things are never as bad as we think they are or could possibly become. 

But for so many of us, things aren’t what we’d like them to be. Complaining is one of those human behaviors that has peaked my interest. I tend to wonder sometimes why we do what we do. 

As a society, we now complain more than ever about virtually everything. Is nothing good enough anymore? Do we not appreciate how good we have it or how bad it could potentially get? Yet the manner in which we complain has become entirely unproductive. Collectively, we’re complaining so much, yet resolving so little. 

What can be done to turn this around?

We’ve all been there. Frustration grows, and then we have the urge to complain to anyone who will listen. We need to learn the skill of becoming effective complainers, to reclaim complaining as a form of functional communications that it once was. 

We readily vent to our friends, family, and colleagues, but rarely do we voice complaints to those responsible for the bad products or services that are causing our frustration. Although social media has become a platform for this in recent years. 

We do the same in our relationships. The person we’re upset with is the last to hear about it. And telling everyone, except the people who need to hear it, is profoundly ineffective. Use complaints to create change when it matters. Fix problems and find solutions. 

While our lives are getting better and more comfortable, many of us have become unhappier as a result. Collectively, our expectations have risen dramatically, creating more opportunities to experience disappointment and frustration. Our lives are becoming increasingly complex. We’re regularly confronted with a variety of frustrations and irritations that didn’t exist before. We’ve become overwhelmed by our complaints and then desensitized. 

Everyone has begun to take complaints less seriously. We’re forgetting the functional aspects of noticing what is not quite right, and now we complain primarily to vent our emotions. Venting is a release of built up negative emotions that would otherwise become pressing and stressful. It’s thought to be healthy, but I disagree. At least for me, I tend to overdo it. By venting, I get more riled up than I was to begin with. While my hope was to rid myself of the frustration, anger, and irritation generated by my dissatisfaction, it doesn’t seem to work. 

Getting it off our chest is the cathartic easing of internal tension by speaking up  about a troubling complaint. But the catharsis is not from voicing it aloud, but rather from voicing it to another person in the hopes that they ‘get it’. And then for us to get a sense of relief in being understood and validated. We need them to have an accurate understanding of our feelings and authentic compassion for our plight. 

We want our feelings to be validated, to feel justified in our frustration, but that requires that they relate to the topic and be in the right frame of mind to be supportive and understanding. When they are, that rush of relief can be quite powerful. We tend to remember those conversations vividly and we think warmly of the people we share them with.

But ideal venting experiences are actually pretty rare. Few complaints garner any sympathy and rarely any emotional validation. And complaints come at a price. They damage our state of mind and our wellbeing, and we end up being labeled as ‘whiners’. 

Practice making generous assumptions as often as you can, in as many situations as possible. Assume the best, not the worst. See it as a mental health practice for your wellbeing. It’s the only path to sanity until you’re able to connect with and communicate to understand what’s really going on with someone you care about. 

Please do not waste time hurting yourself with made up stories. Stop using your imagination to harm yourself and make yourself feel like crap. You deserve better. 

Start by handling personal or consumer complaints more effectively in your personal life. If what you really want is restitution, assistance, or cooperation from another person and that party you’re trying to get action from is not at fault, don’t accuse them or sound angry or sarcastic, but rather try using a more measured tone. 

If they are not responsible, then you’re in no position to demand anything, no matter how infuriating you may find the situation. If you’re hoping to be offered a resolution, you have to provide them with an incentive to do so. That starts by conveying appreciation upfront for their time in hearing you out, and perhaps should they wish to offer any compensation or resolution. Sincere appreciation is the only real currency since you’re really asking them to do something out of the goodness of their hearts. Providing gratitude is the best incentive you’ve got. 

Are there people in your life who complain and blame others for their circumstances, who judge others and spread negative gossip, who talk about how bad they’ve got it, and bring tension and stress and disorder to your day, in an attempt to bring you back down to their level?

Stop spending as much time with them. Maybe it’s time to make new friends and avoid these toxic people, at least until you reach the point in your self development where you’re no longer allowing people to affect you with their negativity. You’re better off spending time alone. They will hold you back with their victim mentality and their mediocre standards. 

Instead, surround yourself with positive, uplifting people. People who believe in you, encourage you to go after your dreams, and applaud your victories. Surround yourself with idealists, visionaries, and those who consider possibilities. 

If you’re going to be successful, then you have to start hanging out with successful people. Ask them to share their success strategies with you. Try some of their suggestions and see if they work for you. Experiment with doing what they do, reading what they read, thinking the way they think, and adopt these new ways of thinking and behaving, if they work for you. And if not, drop them. Keep observing and experimenting. 

There’s some truth in the saying that we become like the people we hang out with, so it’s important to spend time with the people you most want to become like. You want to be in the presence of people who have done it and are willing to share their wisdom and experience with you. You need to surround yourself with people who have a positive attitude and who have a solution-oriented approach to life because they are the ones who know they can accomplish whatever they set out to do. 

You don’t want to be immersed in a cloud of emotional negativity with a constant stream of negative judgments, criticisms, blaming, and complaining. Be more selective. Stay away from those nay-sayers who criticize everything you do, those who constantly put you down and undermine your self-esteem and your self-confidence. 

Free yourself from the negative influence of others. You want people who are positive and believe they can handle anything that’s thrown at them. If you do need to figure it out in the moment, you will do so. Things might not go as planned and you might get frustrated, angry, or irritated, but it’s not the end of the world. 

I have to remember that it’s kind of ridiculous to worry about everything and think everything through ahead of time. Sometimes it’s worth looking ahead thoughtfully because you can determine what you might need in advance in order to save yourself some time and possibly money too. It does feel good when you get it right and you can give yourself a little pat on the back. 

But trust that even if you haven’t thought things through completely, you will be able to figure out what to do next. Your future self will not be incompetent. 

When all we do is complain, we’re letting our story be about those other people, and what we think they should be doing, whoever ‘they’ are. We’re giving them power over our emotional life, causing us to be miserable, but they aren’t feeling our frustration or our anger. Instead of punishing them, we’re punishing ourselves. We’re the ones feeling it, experiencing it, and living it. They aren’t paying any attention to our misery. We’re choosing to feel terrible. 

Recognize that there’s no upside in complaining. If you’re not willing to do something about it, let that story go. Focus on the areas of your own life that truly need attention. We tend to believe that we’d be happier if someone in our lives would change, but that’s just not true. It’s a huge cause of suffering because we’re handing over the power of how we feel to someone else. 

Other people’s behavior has no impact on us emotionally, until we think about it, interpret it, and choose to make it mean something. No matter what people do, how they act, or what they say, we don’t have to give them the power to determine how we feel. 

You cannot control another person, but you can do the work on yourself. There is nothing that they could possibly do that would make you as happy as you want to be. All of the power to feel happy lies within you. While they may do things that give you positive thoughts and feelings sometimes, they won’t be able to do those things all the time, or they may not want to. If your emotional life is tied to their behavior, you’ve given away all your power. You’ve set yourself up for disaster by creating your own powerlessness.

Take responsibility for your results. Controlling our own behavior is challenging enough, while trying to control what other people say or do is ineffective to say the least. Take responsibility for how you feel regardless of what other people say or do. It’s an empowering way to live and it creates better results in your life. 

You get to decide what you’re going to do with your time, how you’re going to respond, and when you want to make changes in your life. Ensure that you’re thinking about these things and what you want based on what’s within your control. 

Don’t complain about how bad things are. Perhaps first, you need to adjust your expectations. Then figure out what needs fixing and make those necessary changes. If you really want something done, do it yourself. Or maybe it’s time to ask yourself why you’re not willing to do it. Maybe it’s time to just let things go. 

Start letting people be who they are. Focus on controlling your responses to how other people behave. We’d all be much calmer if we didn’t make other people’s actions mean something negative. Hear them out. Hear their side of the story. Get their perspective on things. 

And then let go of your expectations. And focus all that time and energy on creating the best life you can.

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to The People in Your Life at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode thirty-two. 

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com. And if you liked this show, please tell a friend. Subscribe, rate, and review. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thanks for joining me.