Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode one hundred and fifty-three. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in a job that feels like an emotional rollercoaster, you’re not alone. One day, you’re riding the high of well-timed praise and vague promises of big opportunities just around the corner, the next, you’re questioning your worth as the bad days start stacking up. It’s the kind of workplace whiplash that keeps you hanging on – just enough hope to stay, with just enough frustration to doubt whether this is the place you belong. 

In this episode, we explore the importance of recognizing that this cycle of bad days, masked by the occasional good one, is the first step toward making sense of your lived experience. Navigating this toxic dynamic takes a toll – not just on your confidence, but on your mental health, your career progression, and even your personal life. It takes courage to see these patterns for what they are: a carefully orchestrated dance, designed to keep you tolerating the intolerable. But, once you start to call it out, you can stop blaming yourself, disengage from their games, and begin reclaiming the career and life you truly deserve.

Are you trying to make sense of what you’ve endured in the workplace and wondering if all this is ‘just part of the job’? If you’re looking at your career and thinking, “How did I end up here?” and, “Why does this feel so hard?” – congratulations, you’re officially on the road to clarity. This kind of clarity takes guts, because recognizing your experiences for what they really are – manipulation, gaslighting, and all – is no small feat. Especially when those experiences come wrapped in just enough shiny promises and fleeting good days to keep you hanging on. 

It might start innocently enough. A missed acknowledgment here, a broken promise there. No big deal, right? Except that, over time, these moments pile up. You tell yourself it’s fine because it’s not that bad, and there are good days, after all. Days where your boss smiles and tells you how indispensable you are. Days when you think, “Maybe they do see my potential. Maybe I’m just being impatient like they said”. 

But, let’s be honest, those good days are breadcrumbs. Meanwhile, the hard stuff keeps building, like a leaky faucet you’ve been too busy to fix. Drip by drip, your confidence erodes. You start second-guessing your skills, your decisions, even your right to want more. And as that faucet continues to leak, the mess starts spilling over into other parts of your life.

Suddenly, your work stress is no longer confined to the office. It’s creeping into your evenings, your weekends, and your relationships. You snap at your significant other over something trivial. You zone out during your kid’s recital. You wonder why you’re so drained, but you brush it off because everyone has tough days at work. 

If there’s one thing high-performing professionals are good at, it’s faking confidence. You’ve spent years perfecting that polished exterior, the one that says, “I’ve got this”. You bury your doubts under a relentless work ethic, taking on more projects, and staying later than everyone else. After all, hard work pays off, right? Except when it doesn’t. 

When you’ve been hustling for recognition and it’s still just out of reach, the veneer of confidence starts to feel like a mask you can’t take off. Beneath it, there’s a growing sense of shame. Shame that you’re not where you thought you’d be by now. Shame that maybe, just maybe, this is your fault. 

And here’s where the mental health toll sneaks in. The harder you work to prove your worth, the more you feel like you’re falling short. You begin to question whether you’re even capable of achieving your goals. That kind of self-doubt doesn’t just stay at work – it follows you home and settles in like an unwelcome house guest. 

If you’ve ever felt like your career progression is being controlled by an invisible puppet master, you’re not wrong. Manipulation and gaslighting are insidious tactics that thrive on your insecurity. 

Maybe the powers-that-be say all the right things to keep you hooked: “We see so much potential in you”, or “Big things are coming your way”, or “We’re just ironing out a few details before we can make that promotion official”. And you believe them because you want to believe them. They sprinkle in just enough praise and promises to make you think that you’re the problem for not being patient enough.

But, I hate to tell you, patience is not a career strategy, especially when it’s being used to keep you complacent. The reality is, they know exactly what they’re doing. By dangling the carrot just out of reach, they keep you working harder and tolerating more than you should. 

And when you finally muster the courage to ask about when that promise will materialize, they flip the script. Suddenly you’re ‘too pushy’ or you’re ‘not a team player’. The narrative shifts to make you feel like the bad guy, and you retreat, ashamed for even asking. 

Recognizing manipulation and gaslighting for what they are takes courage. It’s not easy to admit that the people you trusted – the people you admired – have been playing you. But, until you call it out, you’ll keep blaming yourself for their behavior. 

But, it’s not you. Let me say that again: It’s not you. Their invalidating behavior, their broken promises, their inability to respect your boundaries – that’s on them, not you. 

Once you accept that, you can start to reclaim your power. And no, that doesn’t mean confronting them in some dramatic fashion. I would caution against those types of tactics. Sometimes, reclaiming your power is better done more quietly. It’s about setting boundaries and sticking to them. It’s about disengaging from their games and refusing to let their behaviors define your worth.

Of course, breaking free isn’t as simple as flipping a switch. You might feel a pang of guilt or fear at the thought of stepping away – because what if they were right? What if you are too sensitive, too anxious, too… whatever label they slapped on you to keep you doubting yourself? 

I’m here to tell you they weren’t right, they were just manipulating you. And it’s time to make it stop.

Start by giving yourself permission to want more: more respect, more recognition, more fulfillment. You’re not selfish or ungrateful for wanting those things – you’re human. 

Then, take an honest look at your situation. Are you holding on because you genuinely see a future there? Or, are you clinging to the hope that things will change? I have to tell you, from my experience, they probably won’t. People who manipulate and gaslight don’t suddenly wake up one day and think, “Wow, I’ve been so awful. Let’s go fix that today”. 

Disengaging doesn’t mean giving up – it means taking back control. It’s having the courage to acknowledge the trail of broken promises that haven’t gotten you to where you wanted to go. It’s about deciding where to invest your time and energy and where to draw the line. Maybe it’s as simple as mentally detaching from their drama and focusing on what you can control. Maybe that means having a candid conversation with your boss about your career path. Or, maybe it means quietly updating your resume and exploring other opportunities. 

Whatever it looks like, disengagement is a big step toward freedom. 

So, why does it feel so hard to leave, even when we know it’s bad for us? The answer lies in the psychological traps built into these environments, often referred to as ‘intermittent reinforcement’. In toxic workplaces, the cycle of bad days and occasional good days creates a pattern where you hold out for the next crumb of validation, clinging to the hope that, this time, things truly will improve. Add to that the emotional investment you’ve made – your time, your effort, and your belief in the promises – and the thought that walking away feels like giving up everything you’ve worked for. It also, unfortunately, means admitting you’ve been had. 

These cycles exploit not just your ambition, but also your empathy and patience. Manipulators know that you care deeply about your work and that you’re willing to go the extra mile, which is why they dangle just enough hope to keep you tethered. Recognizing that this dynamic is by design, not a reflection of your abilities or worth, is the first step to breaking free. It’s not a lack of loyalty or toughness on your part; it’s a system engineered to make you stay longer than you should, at the expense of your well-being. Understanding this truth can be a game-changer, giving you the clarity and the courage to choose better for yourself.

Learning to see this manipulation for what it is takes a whole lot of courage. There are good days, albeit few and far between. Maybe you’ve been working under the pressure of a deadline, barely holding it together, when suddenly your boss gives you a glowing review or acknowledges how much you’ve sacrificed. And there it is, a sliver of validation. You breathe a sigh of relief and think, “Maybe things are turning around. Maybe they really do see my value”. But I caution you, don’t be so sure. They probably don’t. 

Those good days aren’t random acts of kindness; they’re calculated. They arrive just as you’re about to pack up your desk (mentally, if not literally), just as your patience is wearing thin. They’re designed to keep you hanging on, to make you think that leaving would mean throwing away all the progress you think you’ve made.

But, the truth is, those few good days don’t erase the majority that are bad. They’re tossing you a few breadcrumbs. And, if you’re surviving on crumbs, it’s time to re-evaluate how long you’re willing to wait and see whether those things they’ve promised you will ever materialize. 

But, it is those good days that we hang on to, that make us think, “Why would they say such nice things if they were really out to get me?”. We start second-guessing the red flags we’ve been seeing and start to discount the validity of our own thoughts and feelings. 

Let’s follow this line of thinking for a minute. Perhaps they’re not ‘out to get you’ in the dramatic sense – it could be much more subtle than that. Have you considered that maybe their intent is to keep you in your place, to ensure you continue churning out results that make them look good, while staying content with whatever scraps they toss your way?

And then there’s the promises: “We’ve got big plans for you” or, “That promotion is just around the corner” or, “You’re our star performer and we’re working on something special”. The problem with that? They keep you hanging on while dismissing your lived experience that’s warning you that what they’re saying might not be for real. 

What makes it even more frustrating is that they know exactly what you want. They’ve listened to your career aspirations, nodded encouragingly, and dangled the carrot just close enough to make you believe it’s within reach. But, every time you stretch for it, it’s magically moved further away. 

So, you wait. And while you wait, you keep working hard – because you’re nothing if not dedicated. You take on projects no one else wants, swoop in to save the day when others drop the ball, and perform miracles that no one else can. You think, “If I just keep proving myself, they’ll have to follow through”. But, here’s the bitter truth: over-delivering doesn’t guarantee anything except exhaustion.

And, when you finally muster the nerve to ask about those promises, you’re labeled ‘pushy’ or told to ‘trust the process’. It’s a clever little trick, shifting the narrative so you feel like you’re the problem for wanting clarity. 

Meanwhile, time marches on. Months turn into years and those promises never come to fruition. And, the worst part, you’ll never get that time back. 

At some point, you turn to others for support, explaining the situation, hoping for a fresh perspective, or perhaps some empathy, only to be met with well-meaning but unhelpful platitudes like, “Things will get better” or, “Just keep your head down” or, “It’s not worth stressing over”.

That’s the problem with reassurance, it often misses the mark. When someone brushes off your concerns with the generic ‘it’ll get better response’, it doesn’t feel comforting – it feels dismissive. You’re left feeling more isolated and more unseen than ever. 

It’s not that people don’t care; they just don’t know how to hold space for your frustration without trying to fix it. But, what you really need isn’t a pep talk or a silver lining – it’s validation. Someone to say, “Yeah, that sounds awful and you do deserve better”. 

So, how do you break free from this cycle of breadcrumbs, broken promises, and bad advice? First, you have to name it. Call it what is – manipulation, gaslighting, a toxic environment, or whatever best describes your situation. That’s not easy. It’s tempting to downplay it because, after all, it wasn’t bad all the time. For me, admitting that I was being manipulated meant that I was weak because I felt that somehow I had allowed it to happen.

But, recognizing the pattern will help you reclaim your power. Start by asking yourself: 

• Why am I staying? 
• What am I hoping will change? 
• What would I tell a friend in my position? 

Once you see the situation clearly, you can begin to detach emotionally. That doesn’t mean storming out in a blaze of glory, unless that’s your style, then by all means. But, for the rest of us, it means shifting your mindset from, “How do I fix this?” to, “How do I protect myself while I plan my next move?”. 

Here’s the part where courage really kicks in. It’s not just about leaving a bad situation; it’s about rewriting the story you’ve been telling yourself. Perhaps some of these sound familiar: 

• “Maybe I’m just not cut out for this.” Wrong. You’ve found a way to survive in a system designed to make you doubt yourself. That’s resilience. 
• “If I leave, all my hard work will be wasted.” No. Every skill you’ve honed, every lesson you’ve learned – they’re yours to take with you. 
• “What if I fail somewhere else?” Well, you might, but see that as a good sign, because you’re pushing yourself. And even if you stumble, at least this time it won’t be because someone’s pulling the rug out from under you. 

The truth is, your situation isn’t going to fix itself. It’s on you to start thinking differently – not about yourself, but about the situation and the people perpetuating it. 

This means seeing the behavior for what it is – manipulative, invalidating, and designed to keep you running in circles. You’ve likely spent months, even years, trying to figure out what you could do differently to finally earn the respect and recognition you deserve. But, have you considered that maybe – just maybe – it’s not you that needs to change? 

It’s a painful realization that someone you’ve respected, or even admired, is not who you thought they were and, in fact, harmful. Maybe it’s a boss you looked up to, a mentor who shaped your early career, or a colleague you thought had your back. Seeing their behavior clearly feels like a betrayal because, in a way, it is. You trusted them, and they’ve used that trust to keep you stuck. 

Here are five ways to reclaim control: 

1. Set boundaries: 

Setting boundaries isn’t easy, especially when you’re dealing with people who have no respect for them. But, boundaries are necessary in helping you reclaim control. Start small. Maybe it’s declining to take on yet another project that’s not in your job description. Maybe it’s refusing to engage in conversations that drain you or feed into their narrative.

Boundaries aren’t just about saying ‘no’; they’re about creating space for yourself to breathe, think, and function without constant interference. They’re about acknowledging that you deserve respect, even if the people around you don’t offer it freely. 

2. Stop trying to change them: 

Accepting that their behavior isn’t going to change is hard, but it’s also freeing. You can stop wasting energy trying to make them see things your way and focus on managing your own well-being instead.

This might be the hardest lesson of all: you can’t change other people. Not your boss, not the colleague who’s always trying to undermine you. You’ve likely spent an embarrassing amount of time and energy trying to figure out how to make them behave better. But, guess what? They won’t. 

Here’s what you can do: learn to navigate their behavior without letting it derail you. This doesn’t mean rolling over or accepting disrespect – it means disengaging emotionally. Stop trying to make them see your value, and start seeing it for yourself. Stop hoping for fairness, and start finding ways to protect yourself while you plan your next move. 

3. Recognize you deserve better: 

If you’ve been blamed for being ‘too sensitive’, ‘too anxious’, or ‘too… anything’, let me remind you, that’s their way of deflecting responsibility. They’re shifting the focus from their behavior, to your reaction. It’s gaslighting basics, and it’s designed to make you question your reality. 

It’s time to call it out – not to them, necessarily, but to yourself. Recognize that their invalidating behavior isn’t a reflection of your worth. You’re not ‘too sensitive’ for wanting respect. You’re not ‘too anxious’ for needing clarity. You’re not ‘too pushy’ for asking for what was promised. You’re human and you deserve better. 

4. Disengage from their behavior:

Disengagement doesn’t mean apathy. It means taking a step back emotionally so their behavior no longer has the power to control you. Think of it as turning off the gas on gaslighting. When they try to make you doubt yourself, remind yourself of the facts: 

• You’ve worked hard
• You’ve been professional
• Their behavior is not your fault

Disengaging also means giving yourself permission to interact with them differently. Maybe it’s limiting conversations to strictly work-related topics. Maybe it’s redirecting the focus when they try to bait you into a blame game. Whatever it looks like, it’s about protecting your energy. 

5. Step out of the shadow: 

Once you start setting boundaries and disengaging, something remarkable happens: you begin to see possibilities you didn’t think were available to you. The invalidating shadow they cast starts to lift, and you realize that your wants and needs are valid – whether or not they acknowledge them.

You’ve spent so much time internalizing their narratives about what you deserve (or don’t deserve) that you’ve forgotten to ask yourself what you actually want. Do you want to stay in this job? Do you want to pursue a different role? Do you want to create a career that feels fulfilling instead of depleting? These are your questions to answer – not theirs. 

Seeing your lived experience for what it is requires courage – courage to admit that you’ve been mistreated, courage to stop blaming yourself, and courage to demand better. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. It’s going to take a lot of courage to reclaim your confidence and break free from toxic cycles of manipulation and gaslighting. Remember, you are not to blame for their invalidating behavior, and you have the power to set boundaries, disengage, and define your own worth. By stepping out of the shadow of false promises, you open the door to new possibilities, a healthier environment, and a career that aligns with your true potential.

You don’t owe anyone your silence, your loyalty, or your continued tolerance of bad behavior. You owe yourself the chance to step out of the shadow and start to see possibilities that once felt out of reach. You’ll realize that you’re not stuck, that your worth isn’t tied to their approval, and that you deserve a career that aligns with your values and goals. 

This doesn’t mean you’ll have everything figured out overnight. It’s a process. But with every step you take – whether it’s setting a boundary, disengaging, or simply acknowledging that their behavior is the problem, not you – you’re reclaiming your power. 

Making sense of your lived experience is messy and sometimes uncomfortable, but it’s also a big step towards something better. You’re not defined by the manipulation and gaslighting you’ve endured. You’re defined by your resilience, your courage, and your refusal to settle for breadcrumbs when you deserve more.

So, let the breadcrumbs fall where they may. You’re not chasing them anymore. You’re building something better on your own terms. 

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Breaking Free at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode one hundred and fifty-three.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com.

If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It’s my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what’s holding you back in your career, and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I’d love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.