Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode one hundred and fifty-two. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

Have you ever had that nagging feeling that something at work just doesn’t sit right? Not in a catastrophic, ‘the building is on fire’ kind of way, but more like a subtle, persistent itch that you can’t quite scratch? You can’t point to any one glaring issue, but you know deep down that something feels ‘off’. Maybe it’s the lack of recognition for the effort you’ve been putting in, or the way your accomplishments are downplayed while someone else gets the credit. Or maybe it’s just the sense that, despite everything you’ve achieved, you’re somehow made to feel that it’s not enough – or worse, that you’re not enough. And yet, every time you try to articulate it, you’re hit with the same nagging thought: maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe this is just how work is supposed to feel. 

In this episode, we explore how easy it is to start questioning yourself when the environment around you normalizes this vague dissatisfaction. After all, it’s not like your job is bad. Maybe it even pays well, offers decent benefits with better-than-average perks, and has reinstated that annual holiday party. So, why does it feel so hard to shake the idea that you’re missing something? Could it be that you’re expecting too much from your job, like fulfillment, meaning, or a sense of being valued? Let me assure you, you’re not. 

But, until we recognize what’s really going on – those subtle, hard to pinpoint dynamics that leave us feeling undervalued and second-guessing ourselves – it’s easy to settle for ‘okay’ when you deserve so much more. Let’s get into why this happens, how to process it, and how to take back control of your career.

You know that feeling when you walk into the office (or log on from your desk at home) and something just doesn’t feel quite right, but you can’t seem to put your finger on it. Your colleagues are polite, you’re getting your tasks done, and on paper, everything looks fine. But there’s this nagging sensation in the back of your mind – a kind of mental static that won’t go away. It’s not one big thing. It’s not even necessarily bad, but it’s definitely something. And it’s making you feel very uneasy. 

You’re not alone in this. In fact, this phenomenon is pretty common these days. It’s that sneaky, hard-to-pinpoint feeling of discontent that creeps up on you over time. It’s subtle, insidious, and worst of all, it can leave you questioning whether it’s even worth addressing. But, believe me, it is. 

The first challenge of this feeling of unease is recognizing it for what it is. You’re not unhappy enough to quit (or so you tell yourself), but you’re not happy enough to really want to stay that much longer. You’re stuck in limbo, and that’s a dangerous place to be. 

It’s easy to dismiss these feelings as ‘just how work is’. After all, how can we really expect fulfillment and meaning from a job? Isn’t it enough to get a paycheck, and maybe have a decent coffee machine in the breakroom?

Let me tell you, no, it’s not enough. If your job is leaving you with a vague sense of unease, it’s worth digging deeper. Sure, it might not be one catastrophic problem, but when you add up all the tiny discomforts, they start to feel like death by a thousand papercuts. A dismissive comment here, some misplaced recognition there, and suddenly you’re wondering if it’s you who’s the problem. 

This feeling of unease is what I like to call psychological silt. It’s the residue of countless small moments that might seem inconsequential on their own, but build up over time. Maybe it’s the way your ideas are brushed aside in meetings, or the subtle way your contributions are downplayed in favor of a louder (and often less competent) colleague. Perhaps it’s the lack of feedback, leaving you guessing whether you’re doing well or quietly being judged. 

Over time, this silt builds up and clogs your mental filter. You start second-guessing yourself: “Am I overreacting? Did I misread that situation? Is it just me?”. My guess is that it’s probably not just you. You’ve been conditioned to ignore these moments, to brush them off and just keep going. But, ignoring them doesn’t make them go away. Instead, they accumulate. And, when left unchecked, this psychological silt can take a serious toll on your health, confidence, and performance. 

• Your Health: Chronic stress, even the low-grade kind caused by a persistent feeling that something is ‘off’ in your workplace, can wreak havoc on your body. Headaches, sleepless nights, and that knot in your stomach become your new normal. You tell yourself that you’re just pushing through, but in reality you’re wearing yourself down, one overlooked red flag at a time. 
• Your Confidence: When your contributions are undervalued or not even acknowledged, it’s easy to start doubting yourself. You wonder if you’re as capable as you thought, or if your accomplishments were just a fluke. Over time, this erosion of confidence can make you hesitant to take risks or speak up, which only reinforces the cycle of being overlooked. 
• Your Performance: You might think you’re powering through the discomfort, but the truth is, it’s probably affecting your work. When you’re constantly operating from a place of self-doubt and low morale, it’s hard to bring your A-game. Even if you’re still hitting your targets, you’re not thriving – and that’s a loss for both you and your organization. 

So, why do we let this happen? Why do we stay in environments that feel ‘off’ instead of addressing the issue or making a change? For starters, we’re often told to be grateful for what we have. A steady paycheck and a job title are supposed to be enough, right? Wrong. Add in societal pressure – particularly for women – to be agreeable, not rock the boat, and not ‘ask for too much’, and it’s no wonder we start questioning whether we’re the problem. 

We also downplay our discomfort because it’s not dramatic enough to feel like a real issue. It’s easier to justify leaving a toxic workplace with clear examples of harassment or discrimination. But when it’s just a feeling, it’s harder to articulate why you’re unhappy – and that makes it harder to act. 

Here’s the tough part: if you let this go on for too long, coming back from it can be a long, hard road. The longer you stay in an environment that chips away at your confidence and well-being, the more damage it does. By the time you recognize the impact, you might feel too drained to make a change – or worse, you might not believe you’re capable of finding something better.

But, here’s the good news: it’s never too late to hit reset. Recognizing that something is ‘off’ is the first step. The second step is deciding that you deserve better – and yes, you absolutely do. 

If this all feels a little too familiar, it’s time to take stock. Start by asking yourself a few key questions:  

• What specifically feels ‘off’? 
• Are there recurring patterns or situations that trigger this feeling? 
• What would a fulfilling, meaningful work environment look like for me? 

The culprits may be numerous since these dynamics are often subtle, making them harder to pinpoint and address. They might include a few of the following seven examples: 

1. Bias and Prejudice: That sinking feeling when your ideas are dismissed in favor of someone else’s – usually a louder or more traditionally authoritative voice. 
2. Workplace Bullying: The snide comments, passive-aggressive emails, or constant undermining that leave you questioning your worth.
3. Discrimination and Inequality: When bias and prejudice become normalized, resulting in a lack of opportunities for advancement, or being passed over for promotions despite your qualifications. 
4. Misogyny and Injustice: From ‘mansplaining’ to outright harassment, these behaviors create an unspoken hierarchy that’s exhausting to navigate. 
5. Silencing: When you’re discouraged, either directly or indirectly, from speaking up or challenging the status quo. 
6. Gaslighting: Being made to feel like you’re overreacting, imagining things, or just not ‘tough enough’ to handle ‘normal’ workplace behavior.
7. Inappropriate Contact: The ‘accidental’ touches or overly familiar comments that cross the line in professional settings. 

These dynamics often fly under the radar, dismissed as ‘just the way things are’. But, the reality is, they’re not okay, and they’re definitely not harmless. And, these might just be the tip of the iceberg of what you might be dealing with. 

Now, even when we recognize these dynamics, we often feel guilty for calling them out. Maybe it’s because they’ve been normalized to the point where we convince ourselves that it’s not that bad. Or maybe we worry about being labeled ‘too sensitive’ or ‘difficult’. 

This guilt can be paralyzing. Instead of seeking help or addressing the issue, we internalize it. We tell ourselves we’re lucky to have a job, that we shouldn’t complain, and that this is ‘just how work is’. And so, we soldier on, convincing ourselves that we’re the problem. But, I’m here to tell you that it’s not you. 

The normalization of these dynamics is one of the biggest reasons they continue to persist. We’ve been conditioned to accept them as part of the workplace experience. Over time, we become acclimated to the discomfort. At first, you notice that something’s not quite right, but before long, it starts to feel normal – even when it’s not good for us. 

This normalization makes it harder to recognize when things aren’t as they should be. It also makes it harder to act. After all, if everyone else is tolerating it, shouldn’t you? The answer is no, you shouldn’t. But, that doesn’t make it any easier to address when everyone else seems to be okay with it. 

Nothing about this is easy. Our triggers can be very subjective based on our past experiences. What bothers one person might not bother another. Maybe you’re deeply affected by a dismissive tone in meetings, while your colleague easily shrugs it off. Or perhaps you’re triggered by microaggressions that others don’t even notice. 

This subjectivity can make you doubt yourself: “Am I being too sensitive? Should I just let it go?”. The answer is no. Your feelings are valid, even if they’re not universally shared. Recognizing that your experience is uniquely yours is the first step toward addressing it. 

One of the most exhausting aspects of handling these dynamics is the self-imposed pressure to be perfect. When you’re navigating a workplace that feels ‘off’, you’re hyper-aware of the need to avoid mistakes. After all, you don’t want to give anyone any more ammunition to use against you. 

This constant vigilance is draining. It’s not just about doing your job well – it’s about proving your worth over and over again. It’s about staying one step ahead of criticism, anticipating every possible misstep, and walking a tightrope that feels impossibly narrow.

As if this weren’t enough, we’re often our own worst critics. When things go wrong, or even when they don’t, we shame ourselves. One of the most exhausting aspects of this feeling of unease is the mental interrogation we subject ourselves to every day: 

• Was my email too direct? 
• Why didn’t I speak up? 
• Or if I did, was I too assertive in that meeting, or not assertive enough? 
• Are they mad at me, or am I just imagining it?
• Did I just make a career-limiting mistake by suggesting something bold? 
• Is someone keeping a tally of every minor error I make? 
• Did I smile enough in that meeting? (Believe it or not, this did cross my mind a time or two)

This constant questioning isn’t just tiring, it’s downright paralyzing. Instead of focusing on your actual work, you’re stuck overanalyzing every move you make, terrified that one misstep will be the ammunition someone uses to take you down. In reality, most of the time, no one’s actually watching you that closely. But the fear? It’s real. 

Why do we do this to ourselves? Because, somewhere along the way, we were conditioned to believe that perfection is the price of survival in the workplace. That one mistake could mean the difference between staying in the game and being benched indefinitely. And, while there’s truth to the idea that standards matter, this level of self-scrutiny is unsustainable – and frankly, unnecessary.

This self-shaming is a form of internalized gaslighting. We convince ourselves that we’re the problem, even when the reality is far more complex. It’s a vicious cycle: the more we doubt ourselves, the more power we give to the dynamics that undermine us. 

So, how do we break free from this maddening loop of doubt, guilt, and normalization? Here are six ways to start addressing the sometimes subtle workplace dynamics at play:

1. Name the Problem: The first step is acknowledging what’s happening. If you’re experiencing bias, bullying, or gaslighting, call it what it is – at least to yourself. Putting a name to the problem helps you see it more clearly. 
2. Trust Your Feelings: If something feels ‘off’, trust that instinct. You don’t need to justify or explain your feelings to anyone else for them to be valid. 
3. Seek Support: Whether it’s a trusted colleague, a mentor, a coach, or a professional therapist, find someone to talk to. Sharing your experience can help you gain perspective and create a plan for addressing the issue. 
4. Set Boundaries: Decide what you’re willing to tolerate – and what you’re not. Setting boundaries isn’t just about protecting yourself; it’s about taking control of your environment. 
5. Push Back on Normalization: Challenge the idea that these dynamics are ‘just the way things are’, if only to change your own thinking. Speak up when you can, if you feel safe to do so. Be aware that things are the way they are because they are working for some and there will be resistance to change. Also, be aware that there’s always the potential for backlash. 
6. Stop Gaslighting Yourself: Recognize when you’re blaming yourself for things that aren’t your fault. Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that it’s okay to advocate for your own well-being.

None of this is easy. Addressing subtle, unseen workplace dynamics requires courage, persistence, and a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths. But it’s worth it. Because the alternative – continuing to tolerate a workplace that erodes your confidence and well-being – is not sustainable. 

Remember, you deserve a workplace where you feel valued, respected, and fulfilled. If something feels ‘off’, don’t ignore it. Trust yourself, take action, and reclaim your sense of purpose. You’re not imagining things – and you’re not alone. Many people, especially women in male-dominated fields, experience this feeling of unease. The key is to recognize it for what it is, refuse to normalize it, and take steps to reclaim your career. 

So, the next time you feel that nagging sensation that something’s ‘off’, don’t brush it aside. Lean into it, investigate it, and most importantly, do something about it. Because you deserve better than ‘fine’. You deserve a workplace that feels ‘right’. 

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Recognizing Your Worth at Work at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode one hundred and fifty-two.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com.

If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It’s my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what’s holding you back in your career, and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I’d love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.