Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode one hundred and twenty-two. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

Ah, self-care. That ever-elusive panacea we’ve been told will solve just about everything, from our Monday blues, to helping us take a giant step back from the brink of burnout. What began as a noble endeavor to get us all just a little more Zen has morphed into a multi-billion dollar industry. And let’s be honest, it’s gotten to the point where the term self-care is thrown around so much that I’m not sure any of us knows what it really means anymore, other than if you’re still feeling stressed, you must not be doing it right. 

In this episode, we explore reclaiming your power by setting boundaries as a means of taking care of yourself. It’s about recognizing and asserting your needs, limits, and desires as non-negotiable aspects of your life, rather than hoping that the right scented candle will take all your worries away. 

Setting boundaries is a form of self-respect that teaches others how to respect us, too. By defining what is and isn’t acceptable in our personal and professional interactions, we protect our energy, enhance our mental health, and quite possibly improve our relationships. That, to me, is real self-care. This approach to self-care empowers us not just to manage life’s stresses, but to proactively shape our lives in a way that aligns with our values and needs. It’s about making the shift from passively accepting what others decide we deserve, to actively deciding what we want for a sustainable, fulfilling career. 

The idea of self-care is not just a nice to have – it’s practically mandatory. But this isn’t just about lighting a few candles, slipping into a bubble bath, or twisting yourself into a pretzel during your weekly yoga class. Although, if those are working for you, by all means, continue. In my opinion, what started out as a reminder to take care of yourself first before attending to the needs of others feels like it’s been weaponized. It’s been repackaged and sold to us as a quick fix for all that is wrong in our lives. Something you can buy, something that will quickly patch up the wear and tear of everyday life, without actually addressing any of the underlying mechanics. 

And therein lies the problem. Self-care, in its most commercialized form, has become another item on our to-do list. A productivity chore that, ironically, often leads us right back to the burnout we were trying to avoid. Imagine that – spending your downtime doing something that feels suspiciously like work. That’s the last thing we need, yet another thing to add to our to-do list that we’ll never get to. 

Self-care has been distorted into something that often doesn’t even touch on our deeper issues. Sure, a scented candle might be a nice distraction after a bad day, or that glass of wine might go down really nicely, but neither will actually change the fact that you’re feeling overworked and undervalued. And while a yoga session might stretch out those tight muscles, it won’t necessarily help you endure a toxic work culture that is making your work feel soul-sucking each and every day. This whole one-size-fits-all self-care notion is not just misleading, it’s downright misguided. It’s a BandAid solution to a problem requiring far more intentionality on our part. 

Here’s the kicker: the real act of self-care isn’t about indulging in yet another distraction to avoid what you’re really feeling. It’s about doing the hard internal work. It’s about figuring out what you really want, setting boundaries, and sometimes, just sometimes, saying a firm “no”, even when, or perhaps especially when, it feels scary. It’s about reclaiming your power and planting seeds for change, not just in your workplace, but potentially in your personal life as well. 

Now, setting boundaries – that can be a real challenge. It’s hard because it’s about pushing back against expectations, sometimes confronting people or situations that are not just outside your comfort zone, but downright oppressive. And it doesn’t come with a nice, easy to follow how-to manual. It’s messy. It can cause conflict, and it can make you feel uncomfortable. But it is absolutely critical. Think of it not just as self-care, but as a form of self-preservation. 

Of course, none of this is easy. The rage, frustration, and resentment that bubble up when you start to push back against a work culture that demands you to be always on, always agreeable, and always accommodating – they’re real, and they’re justified. The inequality that exists in many of our organizational structures isn’t soothed by a spa day. The pain of burnout exacerbated by this inequality isn’t something that can be simply meditated away. I wish it could. 

I’m sure we’ve all bought into this dream at some point or another – that if we just buy the right journal or the perfect essential oils, our lives will magically fall into order. But let’s be real: making this our problem to solve on our own is just another way to maintain the status quo. It changes nothing about the inequalities and exploitations we might face daily. 

What we actually need isn’t more self-care in the traditional sense. We need systemic changes, changes that are far beyond what any individual can muster by themselves. This isn’t about finding the perfect planner system or treating yourself to a fancy latte. It’s about shaking up a system that all too often leaves us drained and disillusioned. 

In my view, we should differentiate between ‘pretend’ self-care and real self-care. ‘Pretend’ self-care is all about those externally applied fixes – the things we buy, or the superficial rituals we perform in the hope of a quick fix. But real self-care? It’s about protecting ourselves from the harm that comes from constantly bumping up against the barriers in our professional lives. It’s about setting boundaries, standing firm, and sometimes, making other people uncomfortable. 

We need to move away from blaming individuals for their burnout and start examining the broken systems that perpetuate it. We don’t need more self-care; we need more limits and ultimately, more recognition for the great work we’re already doing. 

So, let’s reclaim self-care. Let’s redefine it not as a product, but as a process. A process of setting limits and prioritizing personal well-being over productivity. And of recognizing that sometimes the most caring thing you can do for yourself is to push back against an organization that is continually asking too much.

Perhaps you’ve reached that point in life where the shiny allure of ‘having it all’ has lost its appeal, replaced by the nagging, unsettling question: “Is this all there is?”. Welcome to the club, although I’m pretty sure this is one club you don’t want to belong to. 

If you’ve found yourself staring at your perfect-seeming life and feeling like you’re just checking boxes on someone else’s life plan, then maybe it’s time to talk about real self-care – not another scented candle, but the sort that involves re-evaluating the direction your career is heading, because burnout is real. 

Burnout isn’t just being tired. It’s a clinical triad of emotional exhaustion, depersonalization, and a plummeting sense of personal accomplishment. Sounds like fun, right? This isn’t just about you needing a nap or a sunny beach vacation to feel ‘good as new’. It’s a systemic issue, sculpted by the hands of policymakers and corporate executives who want you to blame yourself for supposedly not being able to cope with what any reasonable person would agree is an unsustainable workload.

And when everything falls apart because you’ve been running on empty, they’ll just shrug and tell you that somehow it’s your fault for not saying something sooner. Traditional self-care advice seems to suggest that if you just do yoga once a week or take a quick stroll, you’ll magically be equipped to tackle all the systemic problems in your workplace. 

But let’s get real. Self-care needs to be more than just an item on your daily to-do list. It requires a radical rethinking of how you make decisions in every aspect of your life, from the seemingly mundane to the life-changing, like choosing a career path, deciding where to live, or figuring out how to align your daily actions with your deepest values. 

Consider the demands of the season of life you’re currently in – whether you’re raising children, caring for aging parents, or juggling the complexities of a demanding career, or maybe even a combination of all of these and more. These aren’t just busy times; they’re periods that can drown you if you don’t have a life raft. That raft?  It’s built out of decisions that genuinely reflect what’s important to you, not just what looks good on your resume. 

Here’s where the concept of real self-care comes in – taking the time to reflect deeply on the choices you’ve made up to this point, and where that has gotten you, as well as where you want to be in the future. What do you want your career to look like? Where and how do you want to live? These are the questions that might make you want to run back to the safety of superficial self-care. After all, buying candles is easier than deciding to move to a small town to escape the relentless pace of city life. But ask anyone who’s made such a leap, myself included, and they’ll tell you about the sleepless nights and the tumultuous days of self-doubt. It’s not easy making dramatic changes. 

We uprooted our lives to align more closely with our values. The pandemic, for all its horrors, offered a silver lining by forcing many of us to re-evaluate what truly matters. Big decisions can be absolutely terrifying. They come with heaps of uncertainty and the kind of self-reflection that can feel more like self-flagellation at times. 

The irony? Even as we seek the comfort of easy fixes, like trying the latest productivity hack or the most soothing tea blend, we know deep down that these are just distractions. Real self-care is not always comfortable. It doesn’t always feel good in the moment. It’s messy, challenging, and fraught with the kind of emotional upheaval that even the best scented candles just can’t fix. 

Take it from someone who moved to a small town, changed careers, and still ended up buying the candles and essential oils I didn’t even want. Why? Because it was easy. And at that moment, easy felt good and gave me that much needed feeling of relief from my discomfort. But the true work of self-care wasn’t in lighting those candles; it was in the journal entries filled with my fears and hopes, in the late night conversations about what we really wanted from life, and in the painful yet powerful decisions to see what ‘could be’ in this next phase of life. 

Real self-care isn’t just about surviving or escaping life’s pressures – it’s about thriving on your own terms. It involves embracing the discomfort of change and finding ways to live authentically according to your values. It’s about setting boundaries and making choices that might not be popular or easy, but are right for you. 

Navigating this kind of self-care doesn’t produce instant gratification. It’s not a quick fix. It’s a long-term commitment to yourself and your well-being. It’s about constructing a life not based on societal expectations, but on what feels right to you – a life that may be difficult to build but immensely satisfying to live. 

So, if you find yourself at a crossroads, feeling the pinch of dissatisfaction despite supposedly having ‘everything’, it might be time to stop, take a deep breath, and dive into the hard work of real self-care. It’s about reassessing your path, understanding your true desires, and making decisions that align with who you are and who you want to be.

And remember, this isn’t about doing it alone or reinventing the wheel. It’s about finding your community, learning from others, and sometimes, relearning how to make friends as an adult in new places. It’s about setting the stage for a life that feels not just good, but meaningful. 

Setting boundaries is hard. Enforcing those boundaries is even harder. This idea might cause some fear or even a slight panic for those of us who have never felt comfortable saying “no” to anyone, and especially our bosses. But hear me out – because reclaiming your power through boundary setting is more than just self-care; it’s a survival skill. 

These days, many of us are wading through the murky waters of anxiety and depression, more than you’d think, because many are still not ready to admit it. I’m not here to diminish those struggles – far from it. I’ve had my share. Instead, I want to explore how boundary setting might just be the life raft you’ve been ignoring while we’ve been so busy trying to keep our heads above water.

Here’s the thing: nobody really enjoys setting boundaries. It’s not fun but that’s not surprising, since the things that are good for us rarely are. But everyone loves having them once they’re set in place. Why? Because boundaries are not about pushing people away; they’re about safeguarding your mental and emotional health so you can function at your best. 

Take it from me, well into my career, doing my best impression of a human doormat, a wiser colleague handed me a golden nugget of advice: “You don’t need to take on everything that’s thrown your way, everything is negotiable”. My mind was blown. Here I was, thinking I had to accept every unreasonable request and somehow keep making miracles happen, when in reality, the power to choose was in my hands all along. 

The real game-changer? Learning to take a pause. That moment between request and response, where you get to decide: yes, no, or let’s negotiate. In this pause, that’s the moment you reclaim your power. You assess the request, weigh its impact on your sanity, and respond in a way that aligns with your capacity and your values. Revolutionary, right? Why had I not known about this sooner? 

But let’s be honest, saying “no” comes at a cost, at every level of the hierarchy. We all have to answer to someone. This is especially true for women, as we often battle stereotypes that may include many unfortunate labels for us, if we dare push back rather than just acquiesce like the “nice girls” we’re expected to be.

Setting boundaries is not about being confrontational. It’s about respecting yourself enough to manage your energy and commitments. If a request comes in and your plate is already overflowing, it’s time to acknowledge that you really can’t commit to this without dropping another ball. You only have so much time and energy, so which part of this can you realistically take on? This approach might allow you to negotiate your involvement without feeling the overwhelm or resentment that will definitely come with just accepting more than you can handle, yet again.

But let’s be honest, you may not be ready to just start saying “no” to the next person who dumps an unwanted task or project on you, especially if you have no experience setting limits in the past. Consider starting small. Maybe it’s deciding that this time next year you want to feel comfortable enough to say “no” outright when it’s not something that you want to take on. But for now, you’re willing to negotiate for the part that you will somehow make room for, amid all your other responsibilities. That’s progress. That’s you taking steps towards reclaiming your power, rather than just letting it be siphoned off by every passing demand. 

Here’s another truth: boundary setting won’t always be met with applause. Sometimes, it will be just you, standing your ground, while disapproval rains down all around you. And that’s okay, because part of real self-care is recognizing that not every battle will end in a group hug. Sometimes, it just ends with you knowing you did what was necessary for your own well-being and they may not like that, or you, in that moment, and that’s okay.

This might sound daunting, and you may worry about the professional relationships you risk straining. But trust is resilient, and true professional respect can withstand boundaries. In fact, clear boundaries often lead to healthier, more sustainable relationships, both inside and outside of the workplace. 

Now, setting boundaries is one thing. Dealing with the emotional fallout is another. It’s unlikely that the person you’ve set boundaries with will cheer you on. They might not even understand. That’s why having a support system – friends, a therapist, or a coach – is crucial. They’re the sounding boards you need when guilt, doubt, or backlash cloud your judgment. 

Remember, self-compassion is a huge part of this process. We’re often our own harshest critics, especially in our internal monologues. Changing how you talk to yourself can transform the way you experience your own decisions. It’s about being as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend.

So, forget the fairy tale where setting boundaries is easy and everyone loves you for it. That’s not how it works. This is real life, where self-care is messy, challenging, but absolutely necessary. It’s about making the tough calls, standing by them, and treating yourself with kindness through it all. 

Boundary setting requires saying “no” to some things so that you’re able to say “yes” to what will contribute to a healthier, more empowered version of yourself. So, next time you feel the pressure to conform or acquiesce, take a moment to remember you have the power to choose. And sometimes, the most caring thing you can do for yourself is to choose wisely. 

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Reclaiming Your Power at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode one hundred and twenty-two.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com.

If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It’s my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what’s holding you back in your career, and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I’d love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.