Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode one hundred and seven. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

Gaslighting, a term that originated from the 1938 play entitled “Gas Light” and its subsequent film adaptations, refers to a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sow seeds of doubt in a target individual, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment, often evoking in them cognitive dissonance and other changes such as diminishing their self-esteem. Recognizing gaslighting, particularly in professional environments, requires an understanding of its subtleties and the context in which it manifests. 

In this episode, we look at gaslighting in the workplace, why people use it, how to recognize it, and the impact it can have on you in the long-term. The longer you stay in an environment where this is happening, the more damage it can do to your self-confidence and your sense of self. 

Gaslighting can take various forms, from dismissing or trivializing your concerns or feelings, to outright denying facts or events that have taken place. It may be as subtle as changing topics to avoid accountability, or as blatant as lying about past interactions. Key signs include feeling constantly undermined, doubting your abilities or sanity, and being isolated or alienated from colleagues. An environment that breeds competition or has an organizational structure that is susceptible to the abuse of power can be a fertile ground for gaslighting behaviors. 

People who use gaslighting techniques in the workplace often do so to maintain or advance their own position by undermining others they perceive as threats. By casting doubt on the competence and credibility of their targets, these manipulators aim to diminish the target’s influence or reputation, thereby securing their own status or advancement. This tactic is effective because it not only disempowers the target, but also often goes unnoticed or unchecked by others in the environment, allowing the manipulators to continue their behavior without repercussions. But the key thing here is that it takes two for it to work. If we don’t play their game, they will most likely move on to an easier target. 

The impact of gaslighting on self-perception and confidence can be profound. Those targeted may begin to question their own abilities and value, leading to decreased confidence and self-esteem. This self-doubt makes them less likely to assert themselves or to challenge decisions, further entrenching the manipulator’s power and influence. The erosion of self-confidence often extends beyond the workplace, affecting personal relationships and their overall sense of self-worth.

Be aware that prolonged exposure to gaslighting can lead to severe emotional and mental health consequences. It can lead to increased anxiety, depression, and a pervasive sense of helplessness or hopelessness. The constant questioning of your reality can cause cognitive dissonance, where you struggle to reconcile conflicting perceptions and emotions. This state of internal conflict is emotionally exhausting and can significantly impair your ability to function effectively in both personal and professional capacities.

The long-term consequences of unaddressed gaslighting can be significant. Professionally, it can result in the stalling or derailing of a promising career as you become increasingly withdrawn or less engaged in your work. While others may not notice the manipulation going on, they will eventually notice your reduced output. On a personal level, the effects can ripple out to negatively impact relationships with those closest to you, leading to isolation and a reduced support network. Without intervention, the cumulative stress and emotional tool can contribute to chronic mental health issues. In my case, it felt like a form of PTSD, but I’m not a doctor, so I’ll leave that to the medical professionals to diagnose. 

Addressing gaslighting requires a multifaceted approach. At the individual level, it involves developing an awareness of the signs of gaslighting and building your self-confidence to counteract its effects. This may include seeking support from trusted colleagues, mentors, or coaches who can provide validation and strategies for coping and building your resilience. 

Organizations play a crucial role in creating a culture of openness, respect, and accountability where gaslighting behaviors are neither tolerated nor ignored. Implementing clear policies, providing training on respectful workplace practices, and establishing mechanisms for safely reporting and addressing instances of manipulation and abuse are all good to have. But as I’ve said many times, these policies are in place to protect the organization more than the individual. It’s not that they aren’t good to have, but there are risks involved in reporting the manipulation that you need to be aware of, since on their own, the tactics used don’t sound like much, which might lead people to think you are blowing things out of proportion. My suggestion would be to learn to protect yourself and stop waiting for someone to save you. 

Since gaslighting in professional environments is a covert form of manipulation, it can be hard to recognize in order to address this behavior before the damage is done. When there is more of an understanding of the dynamics of gaslighting and its impacts, proactive steps can be taken to prevent his occurrence and support those affected, fostering an environment where all employees can thrive.

Many of us have the tendency to seek external approval and validation, while dismissing our own judgment. Maybe it’s part of our upbringing or societal expectations, but we need to learn to put more stock in what we think of ourselves and our abilities and try to care a little less about what other people think. This predisposition can significantly impact our level of self-confidence and our ability to make decisions on our own, without looking to others for direction. We need to decide for ourselves what to do and how to think in order to build a strong sense of self as well as a successful career that aligns with what matters most to us. 

This reliance on external validation in the workplace just reinforces the belief that our worth and abilities are contingent upon the approval of others. This can lead to a perpetual state of self-doubt, where decisions are second-guessed and personal judgment is undervalued. In environments where feedback can be biased or where gender stereotypes prevail, we may find it particularly challenging to trust in our own capabilities, leading to hesitation in taking initiative or asserting ownership of our ideas. This dynamic not only stifles personal growth, but it also limits professional advancement as opportunities are often seized by those who demonstrate confidence and decisiveness. If we hesitate, those opportunities will pass us by. 

Start by conducting an objective self-assessment as your first step toward building a belief in yourself that is independent of the opinions of others. This process involves a critical evaluation of your strengths and your weaknesses, as well as acknowledging your accomplishments and identifying areas for improvement. We’re all a work in progress, but we have a tendency to focus on where we fall short and dismiss everything we have going for us. Try to balance the negatives with the positives to form a more objective opinion of yourself and your skill set. 

By grounding our understanding of our competence in factual, self-reflective analysis, rather than the fluctuating perceptions of others, we can develop a more stable and resilient form of self-confidence. This helps us exude the self-assurance necessary for more assertive decision-making and demonstrating our leadership potential, both of which are essential for professional growth and success in the workplace.

This objective self-assessment can also serve as a counterbalance to the external biases or stereotypes that might otherwise undermine our confidence in our abilities. Recognizing our own value and contributions can empower us to advocate for ourselves, actively seeking out those opportunities for advancement, and challenge those in situations where our competence is unfairly questioned. 

Here are five tips and strategies for building that necessary belief in yourself:

1. Do a self-reflection: Allocate time regularly to reflect on your accomplishments, challenges faced, and lessons learned, giving equal time to what’s working well for you and what’s not. This practice encourages a recognition of how far you’ve come and fosters more resilience, which is foundational for self-confidence. 
2. Apply constructive feedback: While reducing the reliance on external validation, it’s still important to seek out constructive objective feedback from trusted mentors or peers who know you well and have your best interests at heart. Use this feedback to inform your self-assessment, focusing on actionable insights rather than simply seeking their approval. 
3. Set personal goals: Establish clear actionable goals for yourself that align with your strengths and areas for improvement. Achieving those goals will provide tangible evidence of your capabilities, reinforcing your self-confidence. 
4. Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself in the face of setbacks or criticism. Recognize that mistakes are all part of the process and do not define your overall competence or worth. 
5. Develop your skills: Continuously find opportunities for professional development. Enhancing your skill set not only makes you more competent but also more confident. 

Building self-confidence can provide the protective shield you need to ward off the manipulative tactics of gaslighting that are prevalent in the workplace. And before you say, “That won’t happen to me”, just remember that everyone is susceptible and that’s why it’s so dangerous. It creeps up on you slowly, before you really understand what is happening. Before you know it, it can erode your self-esteem, distort your self-perception, and hinder your professional progress. Understanding its dynamics and implementing strategies to bolster your self-confidence is the best way to safeguard your mental and emotional well-being, as well as ensuring continued career success. 

Recognizing gaslighting is the first step to combating its effects. This recognition enables us to distinguish between the useful, constructive criticism and what might be destructive, manipulative behavior intended to undermine our confidence. While it would be great for organizations to root out those using gaslighting tactics and stop it from occurring, I don’t see that happening anytime soon. So, that leaves us with having to address gaslighting on our own, using strategies such as building unshakeable confidence and boosting our resilience. It’s about reclaiming your power and ensuring that you believe you have something of value to offer, and then focusing on making your voice heard in the workplace. 

Here are a few signs to look out for if you think you may be dealing with gaslighting in your workplace:

• Are you frequently doubting your recollection of events or your perception of the situation? 
• Are you feeling isolated or alienated from those you work with? 
• Do you hesitate to contribute because your ideas are routinely trivialized or dismissed without consideration? 
• Do your accomplishments or contributions seem to be minimized or your mistakes blown out of proportion? 

These are just a few to keep in mind. For more warning signs, be sure to download the guide in the show notes for this episode. Recognizing these signs can be a pivotal moment for you and it just might be what you need to begin rebuilding your self-confidence and professionally asserting yourself. 

Understanding how to recognize and protect yourself from gaslighting in professional settings is crucial since many of us are susceptible to questioning our own judgment and relying far too much on external validation to determine our level of competence. It’s worth the time to familiarize yourself with the signs of gaslighting, such as feeling perpetually undermined, having your concerns dismissed or noticing a pattern of deceit or manipulation aimed at making you doubt your perceptions. Trust your instincts. If something feels off, it probably is. 

Keep a record of those interactions that make you feel undermined or doubted, if only in your journal, as this can help validate your experiences and help you sort things out in your own mind when things start to get muddled. Confide in trusted colleagues, mentors, or a career coach who can provide guidance on how best to address the situation, or at least give you a fresh perspective. 

Shore up your professional boundaries and set clear expectations with those you work with regularly. This can help deter manipulative behaviors and possibly make you a more formidable opponent rather than an easy target. When you are able to cultivate a strong, self-reliant professional identity, you show up differently and are less vulnerable to manipulation by those who see you as a threat to their own ambitions. 

Here are three suggestions for empowering yourself and restoring your self-confidence:

1. Reaffirm your reality: Regularly remind yourself of your accomplishments, strengths and worth. Keeping a brag file can help counteract the negative self-talk going on in your own mind and help to rebuild a positive self image that may already have been eroded by the gaslighting you might be enduring. 
2. Reflect on your career goals: Sometimes the best response to an unsupportive environment is to consider whether it aligns with your long-term professional goals. Getting clear on what you desire for your career path can empower you to make those tough decisions that might require you to make some big changes in order to prioritize your growth, well-being, and self-confidence. When the going gets tough, sometimes the tough get going. 
3. Consider professional support: If gaslighting is severely impacting your mental health, seek support from a psychologist or other mental health professional. With their guidance, you can navigate your feelings and develop strategies to regain your confidence to get back on your feet. The sooner, the better. 

Overcoming gaslighting in the workplace requires us first to recognize that something is amiss. Trust your instincts. Pay attention to those instances where you are looking elsewhere for confirmation of your abilities rather than trusting your assessment of where you’re at right now. Take a proactive approach to building your self confidence and advocating for yourself.

Recognizing the signs of gaslighting, understanding its impact, and implementing strategies to protect and empower yourself are crucial steps in this journey. By doing so, you not only safeguard your professional integrity, but also contribute to fostering a more respectful and supportive workplace culture for all. 

Empowering yourself in the face of gaslighting is not just about overcoming a personal challenge; it’s about reclaiming your power. Please take this form of manipulation seriously. It’s real and it happens to even the best and the brightest. No one is completely immune. The effects of prolonged gaslighting on your self-confidence can be devastating and it only gets worse the longer you stay. Be prepared that it may take years for you to feel like your old self again when you finally put a stop to it.

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Break the Spell at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode one hundred and seven.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com.

If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It’s my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what’s holding you back in your career, and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I’d love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.