Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode twenty-eight. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

I think we all like to feel that we are being heard. We like people who take the time to hear what we have to say. We think that we make decisions based on rational reasoning, but we are more apt to be swayed by emotion. I’m sure you’ve noticed yourself being more likely to do what a friend suggests, rather than someone you dislike, no matter how sensible the idea sounds. 

In this episode, we’ll get into the nuts and bolts on how to influence others to choose to act in a way that helps us achieve our goals. In general, good persuaders or influencers have good communication skills. So it’s essential that you be able to get your point across succinctly and effectively, otherwise you’re never going to have influence over another’s thinking, or be able to persuade anyone of the merits of your position. 

Successfully influencing or persuading others is based largely on making an emotional argument. That requires being sincere, genuine, and honest. The key skills include having empathy and active listening skills. If you listen, people will usually tell you what they’re thinking. And this is a way to build rapport, which also helps build trust. 

But you have to do your homework so that you know who you’re dealing with, as well as your subject. This means taking the time to get organized and think about what it is you want to achieve, because you need to do the advanced work to recruit really well placed people who advocate for your ideas.

There are two paths to influence. The first is coercion and the second is getting buy-in. 

Coercion is where people rely on the power of their position and order others to do what they want. But people won’t necessarily like what they’re doing. And when they hit resistance or difficulty, they may very well give up, and then more orders will need to be issued. But they’re doing it because they have to, not because they want to. And while it may be seen as strong and powerful, it’s much more authoritative and exerting dominance, which isn’t necessarily well received. 

So it’s better to get buy-in where people want to do it your way, ideally, in a way that seems like it’s their own idea. Getting people to agree that your way would be best by creating a win-win situation out of a potentially unpleasant one. It’s the ability to capitalize on the fact that they admire or respect you and your opinion. And sometimes it’s tied to reciprocity. 

Takers excel in gaining dominance by becoming superior to others and coerce people to bend to their will. That requires powerful communication where you’re speaking forcefully, raising your voice to assert authority, expressing certainty to project confidence, and actively promoting your accomplishments, and really selling your ideas with conviction and pride.

We’ve all encountered these type of people. We’re well versed in their verbal and non-verbal signals, which includes spreading their arms in dominant poses, raising their eyebrows in challenge, trying to command as much space as possible, while also conveying anger and issuing threats. 

But coercion or dominance is a zero sum game, because generally they share the thinking that the more you have, the less I have. So doing the work to obtain buy-in is much more effective and long lasting. There’s really no limit to the amount of respect and admiration that we can dole out. 

The traditional assumption is that we need to be assertive and project confidence in order to have influence over others, but it has been shown that coercion or dominance doesn’t always serve us well. Sometimes it’s doing the work to get that buy-in that can be surprisingly effective in having more influence over people’s thinking. 

Sometimes we may speak less assertively or even express doubt. And while some people tend to assume that this would be a disadvantage when it comes to influence, it’s not necessarily the case. People will instantly stop and take notice when someone is talking about something that has meaning or significance to them. 

We all tend to be attracted to big picture ideas that focus on possibilities. We are prone to appreciate people who reference our values, share our concern for others, and personalize communication with questions and empathetic language. And not surprisingly, diplomacy and tact are important as well. 

Some people are attracted to conceptual, theoretical conversations. They want to extrapolate or envision future possibilities and innovate solutions. And they respond with curiosity. They enjoy coming up with original solutions to problems and they like arguing a topic until the truth is discovered. They are able to have friendly discourse and arguments without feeling emotionally disrupted. And most people tend to be friendly and responsive. 

Some respond well to rich storytelling and colorful anecdotes. They’re attracted to easygoing, pragmatic people who have a sense of adventure and fun. They like to explore solutions to real world issues and problems, and prefer practical applications. They may enjoy brainstorming fun activities, opportunities, and possibilities, but they detest being lectured, controlled, or talked over. 

Some people are extremely pragmatic and they want there to be a point to every conversation. They want to do something with what they’re learning or talking about. And sometimes, extrapolating about theories or concepts, just for the sake of it, can interest them now and then, but they will quickly want to get back to realistic concrete information. 

These are the people who appreciate those who are down to earth, grounded, and straightforward. A lot of pretentious language tends to turn them off. They tend to base their decisions on facts, personal experience, and authority. And they won’t be persuaded unless someone has the facts and experience to back up their claims. 

There are eight common barriers to successfully influencing people:

Number one is trying too hard. Seeming too keen puts people off faster than anything else. 

Number two is not being prepared. People see through it when you’re winging it and then they think that you value your time more highly than theirs. 

Number three is getting desperate or being afraid of rejection. People can spot fear and insincerity and they don’t respond well to it.

Number four is providing too much information. You just end up confusing people when you bury them with too many facts and statistics. They start to wonder what you’re not telling them. 

Number five is talking too much. Sometimes you just need to stop and listen to the people you want to influence. 

Number six is failing to put in the effort required to get what you want. Because anything worth doing takes work.

And number seven is making assumptions about your audience. And not being prepared to reassess when new evidence emerges. 

And finally, number eight is picking a fight with a person, rather than the idea. It’s important to find common interests and connect with people, on a human level. And talk to them as a person. 

People are looking for answers. We all think we make our own decisions, but life is extremely chaotic, so we want to follow a path. But there really is no path. And it can be very scary to know that. 

People find sudden changes extremely difficult. It stresses us out and we get very defensive. So you need to connect with people and show them that you’re human. That opens the door for you and makes it much less transactional.

Life is good in a lot of ways, but it’s also challenging. We’re always trying to exert more control. And we’re looking for a framework to solve our problems, where magically, if we use it, all our problems will go away. 

Then we get so excited, we dump all our ideas on people, all at once. We bombarded them with information, but this can backfire, causing overwhelm. It’s far more effective to introduce the same change in very, very small segments, a threshold where they won’t even notice. It can be good for getting people to accept your ideas. 

If your ideas are really new, so new that they can be scary, it’s more important to package them very closely to what people are already familiar with. A good rule of thumb is the more revolutionary your ideas are, the more you want them to look like what your audience already sees as normal and basic. You don’t want to scare people away. 

While the more competent and excellent your ideas are, the more you want to set them apart. It’s all about making it easier for people to digest your ideas. It’s not about telling someone everything they’re doing wrong, or that they need to change everything about themselves, all at once. That causes them stress and will do irreparable damage to your relationship. But if you start with one little bit of that, they will be more receptive to slowly making all the changes you’d like to see. 

And frame them as a positive. Instead of bombarding them with all of it all at once, you want to make it feel like it’s their idea. So you want them to think that they decided it, but that’s challenging to do.

There are five styles of influence: 

Number one is reasoning, where you’re proposing an idea or a framework. And this is best used when you’re the expert, or you are respected for your knowledge, or where the other person isn’t adversarial. 

Number two is incentivizing, where you’re giving feedback, stating expectations, or asserting your needs. This is best used when you have legitimate wants and needs, or you have something the other person wants, and when the other person isn’t very controlling. 

Number three is involving, where you’re listening, supporting, disclosing, and trying to bridge the gap. This is best used when the decision is open for discussion and the other person knows something that you might not know, or you want to build or heal a relationship. 

Number four is finding common ground. This is where you’re attracting, visioning, looking into the future, or by making an emotional appeal. It’s best used when you’re selling a unique idea, or when generating excitement is important, and when you have something in common with them. 

And finally, number five is stepping back. This is avoiding, moving away, disengaging. It’s best used when tempers are too high for anything to be gained. It’s the politically correct thing to do when the other person has more power than you, or when you’re struggling to function effectively due to your own emotional state.

Because it’s not about trying to change their perspective. Successfully using your influence is getting others to agree to do things that they may not initially be inclined to do. You’re not trying to get them to change their point of view, but by demonstrating how what you’re proposing is something that they already care about and want. 

It’s not about showing people you’re right and they’re wrong. Instead, acknowledge that they are right, and therefore, they should do what you’re proposing. You are seeking to further their goals. So focus on common ground and reinforce the reasons why they are inclined to do what you want them to do. 

You’re merely asking them to embrace values they already hold. And showing them how what you are suggesting supports those values, because they won’t even listen to what you’re proposing if it goes against their core beliefs. People will see what they want to see, and believe what they want to believe. If you are confirming what people already believe, or are appealing to what they already care about, they will more readily accept what you’re saying, without questioning it. 

So start by trying to establish how they see the issue. Ask them questions. Listen to what they have to say, because they will tell you what they are thinking. Then craft your message by anchoring it to what they already believe. 

Negotiating is a dialogue, not a monologue. And to exert influence, you must first listen. People will tell you exactly what you need to do to persuade them. When people feel you’re listening to them, they will give you the critical information you need to build from. They will also become more open to listening to you. 

This isn’t a new skill to most of us, but we’ve gotten out of practice. Many of us learned how to listen as a child, in order to figure out what people wanted and needed, without being told. We would listen, and then anticipate their needs. 

As adults, the most common complaint people have is that they often think they aren’t being heard. We all have a need to be heard. It validates us. We really want someone to listen to us and acknowledge our point of view. It’s key to make an effort to understand their point of view, even if you disagree with them. 

Listening doesn’t mean agreeing. Even acknowledging that you understand what they’re saying or feeling doesn’t necessarily mean you agree with any of it. But it’s important to acknowledge that you understand why they are taking the position that they are, before you can begin to convince them to change it. 

First, acknowledge that their position is valid. They are allowed to think what they think. It doesn’t mean it’s right. And it doesn’t mean you agree with them. Follow up that acknowledgement with an alternative proposal. Because that allows them to recognize your needs, and maybe consider modifying their own position in light of them. 

Be an effective listener who genuinely cares about what others have to say and tries to understand how they see things. Hear their words, watch their body language, as well as any other feedback you’re getting, to discern what’s really on their mind. If what’s being said doesn’t match with their behavior, delve deeper. 

Unresponsive body language looks like them moving away from you, or leaning back, crossing their arms or legs, clenching their fists, or putting their hands in their pockets or behind their back, or simply turning away from you. People will demonstrate when they have doubts by touching their nose, rubbing their ears, running their fingers through their hair, looking sideways at you, or turning their body sideways from you. These are all indications that you should ask more questions to figure out what’s really going on.

Your primary goal is to make people feel comfortable and feel like they belong. And you can do this by using active listening techniques. This tends to encourage people to talk, to tell you what they really care about. 

The first technique is attending, where you’re demonstrating interest through body language, to encourage them to keep talking. It’s where you sit or stand directly facing them, maintain open posture, lean forward, keep eye contact, nod, and maybe smile. 

Technique number two is reflecting back, where you’re paraphrasing your understanding of what’s been said, or repeating their words back to them as a question, especially when they’ve used words like ‘always’ or ‘never’ to force them to confirm or retreat from these absolutes. 

Technique number three is clarifying. This is where you’re asking open-ended questions to obtain more information, to find out what they’re thinking, and how they think, in order to help support your argument. 

Technique number four is encouraging, where you’re using comments to keep them talking. Maybe saying ‘really?’, or ‘I see’, or ‘that’s interesting’. 

Technique number five is acknowledging effort, where you’re giving positive reinforcement, such as, ‘that’s a good point’. 

Technique number six is recognizing their feelings. This is bringing them out into the open, by saying things like, ‘I see that you’re angry’ or ‘I’m sorry that this seems to be upsetting you’. 

Technique number seven is using silence. This will sometimes elicit more of a response because people want to fill the void. 

And finally, technique number eight is summarizing, where you repeat what’s been said, and ask if your understanding is correct.

And most importantly, you need to act on what you hear. Listen carefully to what’s being said and agree with those points that are helpful to your position. Then, incorporate what the other person has said into what you’re proposing. 

Sometimes, it can be appropriate to answer questions with questions, but I recommend you use this technique sparingly, for when you don’t want to respond to a question, or when you want to understand why they might be asking that particular question.

Focus on solutions. Force the other side to come up with a solution to the problem, rather than trying to convince you that there isn’t a problem to begin with. If you’ve done a good job listening and asking the right questions, then you’ve laid the groundwork for delivering your message persuasively. But it’s not just about the message, it’s also about the messenger, and how your message is presented.

Your ability to influence their thinking depends on what you say, which is your content, how you say it, which is your tone, and how you come across while saying it, which is your body language. How you deliver your message is as important as the content itself, so carefully craft your message. Choose your theme. Select appropriate arguments in support of that theme. And then, facts to back up those arguments. And structure it for presenting in a persuasive way. 

Tailor your theme to those you are trying to influence. Appeal to their self-interest or their values. Phrase it positively. It’s much more convincing to be for something, rather than against something else. You might want to appeal to their sense of fairness, or demonstrate clearly how your proposal benefits others, but that requires an understanding of what matters to them. 

Demonstrate how what you want won’t have a negative impact, or show how that negative impact can be minimized, or made more manageable. People ultimately care more about what it means for them, than what it means for you. So you have to make it about their results. 

Ask for their input. What would be necessary for them to be willing to make this happen? That can help you understand their perspective and what concerns they may have. This is helpful because you can then address their objections in your formal request or proposal. 

Be clear about what you’re willing to do, and what you’re not willing to do. Be aware of the necessary trade-offs that getting their buy-in may require. And be prepared to compromise, if that helps you get closer to what you need. But knowing that you will have to be able to live with that compromise, because it may be a possibility. 

And also appeal to who they are as a person. Identity is really important to some people, so it’s a useful tactic to employ when trying to exert influence. They want to be true to themselves because being authentic is one of their core values. It’s about how they put themselves out in the world. They want to feel free to genuinely express themselves, so appeal to their identity, and how what you’re proposing will help them project who it is they want to be. 

Reframe your proposal as perhaps a way to help everyone improve the situation, for all those involved. Reframe your proposal as a natural consequence of how they want to be coming across to others. That may require you to bluntly ask how they’re planning to handle the situation, and what their own ideas are to resolve the issue. Because trying to persuade them otherwise, may just provoke more resistance. 

Ideally, you want them to decide, on their own, that the thing that they are resisting is actually the best way to move forward, after all.

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Successfully Influencing Others at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode twenty-eight.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch. I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com. And if you liked the show, please tell a friend, subscribe, rate, and review. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thank you for joining me.