Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode one hundred and thirty-eight. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

In the relentless pursuit of career advancement, especially in male-dominated fields, many women feel compelled to adopt a tough exterior – one that signals unshakability and an unyielding spirit. We act like nothing bothers us, brushing off challenges as though they were mere inconveniences, all while pushing ourselves to the brink of burnout. This act of toughness is often mistaken for strength, but in reality, it’s more about survival than doing great work. 

In this episode, we explore the difference between acting tough and demonstrating strength. We tend to put up this facade in an attempt to convince others that we’re invincible, but inside, we’re left depleted, with little energy left to invest in what truly matters to us personally. 

The real strength doesn’t lie in how well we can pretend everything is fine; it lies in our ability to confront challenges honestly, acknowledge our vulnerabilities, and make decisions that align with our values, even if it means showing a softer side. While acting tough might help us navigate immediate obstacles, it often comes at the cost of our mental and emotional health.

Recognizing the difference between mere toughness and true mental strength is crucial – not just for our careers, but for our overall well-being. It’s time to move beyond the act and embrace the kind of strength that sustains us, nurtures our growth, and empowers us to face life’s challenges with authenticity and courage. 

Unfortunately, in today’s workplace, we still have to work twice as hard as our male counterparts to prove to the powers that be that we belong, so it’s no wonder we’ve mastered the art of acting tough. We’ve been conditioned to believe that showing any sign of weakness could be the kiss of death for our careers. So, we put on our armor, smile through the pain, and make it look like we’re gliding through the challenges without breaking a sweat. But here’s the kicker – while everyone else is busy admiring our resilience and wishing they could be as tough as us, we’re quietly crumbling inside, with no energy left to take care of ourselves or address our very real struggles.

Society as a whole seems to praise mental toughness. You know the drill:. you push through tough times, keep your emotions in check, and somehow make it all look easy. People applaud you, admire your grit, and maybe even envy your ability to keep it all together. They see you as a beacon of strength and resilience, someone who’s able to navigate the rough waters of a male-dominated workplace without so much as a drop of sweat on your brow. And hey, who wouldn’t want that kind of recognition? 

But, let’s be real – what they see on the outside is often a far cry from what’s happening on the inside. Sure, we might look like we’ve got it all together, but that’s just a carefully constructed facade. Beneath that tough exterior, many of us are grappling with self-doubt, exhaustion, and the nagging feeling that maybe, just maybe, we’re not as good as everyone seems to think we are. But admitting that? Oh no. That’s not an option. Because the moment we let our guard down, we risk being seen as weak, or worse, incompetent. 

This is where the problem lies. We’ve become so good at acting tough that we’ve forgotten how to be honest about our struggles. We’re so busy trying to prove to everyone else that we’re unfazed by the barriers in our way that we leave ourselves no space to acknowledge the toll it’s taking on us. And the toll is real –burnout, anxiety, and a pervasive sense of inadequacy that we’re too afraid to talk about. We pour all our energy into convincing ourselves and others that we’re fine, leaving nothing in reserve to actually work on the internal issues that are holding us back. 

But, true mental strength isn’t about pretending everything’s fine when it’s not. It’s about recognizing when you’re struggling, admitting it to at least yourself, and then doing something about it. It’s about knowing that it’s okay to have a bad day, to ask for help, and to show vulnerability. In fact, that’s where the real strength lies – in the ability to be honest with yourself and others, even when it’s uncomfortable. 

Unfortunately, this isn’t the message we’re getting from the world around us. We’re constantly bombarded with the idea that mental toughness means pushing through the pain and ignoring our emotions. We’re told to ‘tough it out’ and keep going, even when every fiber of our being is screaming for a break. But this kind of toughness is a double-edged sword – it might get you through a rough patch, but it’s not sustainable in the long run. Sooner or later, that facade is going to crack, and when it does, all those bottled up feelings are going to come pouring out, leaving us even more depleted than before.

What’s worse is that when we do finally reach our breaking point, we often don’t know how to talk about it. We’ve spent so much time convincing everyone that we’re tough and nothing bothers us, that we’ve lost the language to express our feelings or our struggles. We’ve internalized the idea that admitting that we’re not okay is a sign of weakness, so we keep it to ourselves, further isolating ourselves and not getting the support we desperately need.

This is especially true in male-dominated professions where the pressure to be tough is even more intense. As women, we’re often expected to ‘man up’ and not let anything get to us. And, if something does bother us, we’re quickly labeled as ‘too sensitive’ or ’emotional’, or better yet, ‘hysterical’, as if our feelings somehow disqualify us from being taken seriously. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard that being said about me, and sometimes even to me. It’s a no-win situation – act tough and you’re praised but suffering in silence, show vulnerability and you’re dismissed as weak. 

But, here’s the truth: being strong is completely different from acting tough. Being strong means knowing your limits and respecting them. It means acknowledging when something is bothering you and taking steps to address it, rather than brushing it off as nothing. It means understanding that true resilience isn’t about never falling – it’s about getting back up, and sometimes that requires asking for help. 

So, how do we start making this shift from acting tough to being truly strong? First, we need to recognize the difference. Acting tough is all about appearances – it’s about putting on a brave face and pretending nothing affects you. True mental strength, on the other hand, is about substance – it’s about being honest with yourself and others, even when it’s hard. 

Next, we need to give ourselves permission to be vulnerable. This doesn’t mean baring your soul to everyone you meet, but it does mean being honest with yourself about how you’re feeling. If something is bothering you, don’t ignore it. Acknowledge it, sit with it, and figure out what you need to move past it. And if you need help, don’t be afraid to ask for it. Remember, asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. It takes courage to admit that you can’t do it all on your own. 

We also need to start having real conversations about what it means to be mentally strong. We need to move away from this idea that toughness is about suppressing our feelings and instead embrace the idea that true strength comes from being in tune with our emotions and learning how to manage them in a healthy way. This means talking openly about our struggles with someone we trust, supporting each other, and challenging the notion that vulnerability is a weakness.

We’ve all been there: trying to act like the perfect blend of invincible and unflappable, especially when the stakes are high. It’s like we’ve been handed a script where our lines are all about being tough, never letting the pressure get to us, and definitely not showing any weakness. But let’s call it what it is – acting. And while this performance might get us that approval we so desperately seek, it’s not doing us any favors in the long run.

So, what is mental toughness? It’s keeping a stiff upper lip, never giving anyone anything to criticize you for, and suppressing every shred of emotion that might hint at vulnerability. When you’re mentally tough, failure is not an option, and you’re supposed to bulldoze through any obstacle without so much as a grimace. Sounds exhausting, right? That’s because it is. This kind of toughness insists on masking insecurities, focusing on perfection, and never, ever quitting – even when continuing might not be in your best interest.

And yet, acting tough is more about self-preservation than self-improvement. You’re not working through your emotions; you’re burying them. You’re not learning from pain; you’re just tolerating it until you can’t take any more. It’s like putting a band-aid on a broken bone and calling it healed. Sure, it might look fine on the outside, but inside, it’s a bit of a disaster. 

Showing true strength is about embracing the messy parts of life – your emotions, your struggles, your failures – and using them as stepping stones to grow. While mental toughness tells you to suppress your feelings, mental strength encourages you to acknowledge them, cope with them, and learn from them. It’s about building character, not just maintaining a reputation for being able to handle anything and everything. Everyone has a limit. Where those who act tough see failures as catastrophic, those with true strength view it as an inevitable part of the process and, dare I say, an opportunity to learn and grow.

Let’s be honest – nobody likes to fail. Failure feels terrible, and it’s embarrassing, and especially when you’ve worked your tail off and still come up short. It’s no wonder we tend to stick with what we’re good at, where we know we’re going to succeed. But playing it safe is the enemy of growth. It takes real courage to step out of your comfort zone, to do something you’re not sure you’ll excel at, or to risk criticism or rejection. That’s where mental strength comes in. It’s about taking those risks, experiencing setbacks, and coming back stronger, not pretending you were unfazed by it all. 

Those who act tough are obsessed with how they’re perceived by others – always maintaining the facade of invincibility. But, true strength focuses on your internal values and character. It’s not about convincing others that you’re unshakable; it’s about knowing your worth even when things aren’t going perfectly. And that’s a big difference. When you’re mentally strong, you’re less concerned about whether people are judging you and more focused on staying true to yourself, even when the going gets tough. 

So, let’s separate reputation from character. Reputation is what people think of you; it’s the image you project to the world. And, if we’re honest, it’s the part of you that’s often curated for public consumption. Character, on the other hand, is who you are when no one’s watching. It’s your core values, your principles, and the way you treat yourself and others, regardless of who’s paying attention. 

When you’re focused on reputation, you might find yourself doing things that seem out of character in a desperate attempt to please others or to get ahead. Maybe you’re taking on projects you’re not passionate about, saying ‘yes’ when you want to say ‘no’, or suppressing your opinions to avoid rocking the boat. It’s all too easy to fall into the trap of caring too much about what people think, especially when you’re in an environment when you feel the need to prove yourself constantly. 

But, mental strength isn’t about maintaining a perfect reputation – it’s about becoming better, building character, and doing things that align with your values. It’s about focusing on the process of getting there, even if it means taking a few detours or making some unpopular decisions along the way. Mental strength means having the courage to stand up and say, “I’m not going to do that” when it just feels wrong, or “I’m willing to do this, even if I might fail”. It’s about being true to yourself, not just trying to live up to other people’s expectations. 

But mental strength isn’t just about embracing failure and acknowledging emotions – it’s also about knowing when to quit. That’s right, quitting. While mental toughness preaches never giving up, mental strength teaches you to recognize when something isn’t serving you well and let it go. It’s not about walking away at the first sign of trouble; it’s about understanding when continuing to push through is doing more harm than good. Quitting isn’t a sign of weakness or an inability to cope. It’s a strategic choice to prioritize your well-being or redirect your efforts towards something more worthwhile. 

Sometimes, it’s better to let go of things that aren’t serving you well. We’ve all been there – telling someone we’re going to do something and then sticking with it at all costs, not because we’re passionate about it, but because we’re afraid to let it go. We think that quitting is a sign of weakness, but in reality, it takes more mental strength to recognize when something isn’t working and to walk away before it derails your career. 

It’s perfectly normal to try many different things in life and to find that some of them don’t work out the way you’d hoped. Maybe you started working on something and realized it’s not in line with what you want anymore. It takes courage to quit, to say, “This didn’t work out”, and to move on before you put yourself or your future in jeopardy. Yes, it might be embarrassing, and you might feel disappointed, but sometimes quitting is the best choice you can make for yourself. 

Here’s where things get a little bit tricky. In the workplace, especially in male-dominated environments, there are times when you just can’t stop and feel your feelings. Sometimes, you have to push your emotions aside and just get the job done. But, there’s a difference between momentarily setting your feelings aside and burying them so deep that you never have to deal with them. Mental toughness might tell you to suppress those feelings indefinitely, but mental strength encourages you to address them, when the time is right. And, believe it or not, it takes more strength to process and work through your emotions than it does to ignore them entirely. That’s something I’ve had to learn the hard way. 

For those of you who have bought into the whole mental toughness act, as I did for a long time, there’s a pervasive attitude that emotions are something to be avoided at all costs. These people have perfected the brave face and it’s just that – a facade, not a foundation. They might get through the day without showing any cracks, but this isn’t a sustainable strategy. Over time, this kind of emotional suppression can lead to a whole lot of unresolved issues. It’s a short-term fix, not a long-term strategy. 

And, let’s not forget about insecurities. For those who want to act tough, it’s all about hiding them, pretending that you’re completely confident all the time. But, mental strength? It’s about acknowledging those insecurities and working on them. This doesn’t mean you need to announce your weaknesses to the world, but it does mean being honest with yourself about the areas where you can improve. This kind of self-awareness takes real courage – admitting you’re having a hard time with something, even just to yourself, is a big step. And yes, it can be terrifying, especially in environments where admitting any kind of struggle can feel like giving people ammunition to use against you. 

Speaking of which, let’s address the whole ‘acting tough to protect yourself’ thing. Many of us act tough because we want others to believe we’re unshakable, that nothing can hurt us. We want to foster a reputation of invincibility, especially when we’re not at the top yet. But here’s the irony: by working so hard to appear unfazed, we’re actually making ourselves more vulnerable. We’re depleting our energy reserves, burning ourselves out, and leaving no room for genuine self-improvement. 

And then there’s the issue of effort. How many times have you worked your hardest at something, only to downplay it afterward? “Oh, I didn’t try that hard”, you say, because the only thing worse than failing is putting in maximum effort and still not succeeding. That’s embarrassing and to be avoided at all costs, you tell yourself. This is classic mental toughness behavior – pretending that everything comes easily to you, even when it doesn’t. But, mental strength is about being honest with yourself and others. It’s about owning your effort, regardless of the outcome, and recognizing that true success comes from growth, not just winning. 

We’ve all been conditioned to think that toughness is the ultimate badge of honor, especially when you’re a woman trying to make her mark in a male-dominated profession. The script we’ve been handed says that acting tough is the only way to gain respect, move up the ladder, and avoid being seen as weak. But, let’s be real for a moment – how many of us are exhausted from this charade? The pressure to maintain a tough persona is relentless, and it often has us pretending to be someone we’re not, in an attempt to fit in with those around us. When people say, “I’m tired of being strong”, what they actually mean is that they’re tired of acting tough all the time. 

If you’ve spent years focusing on mental toughness, you might find yourself at a crossroads, ready to make a shift but unsure how. You’re probably going to have to face some fears: the fear of being seen as weak when you ask for help; the fear of being judged for not being capable on your first try; the fear of letting people down if you admit you don’t have it all figured out. But, here’s the thing – people can’t relate to those who seem perfect. It’s our vulnerabilities that help us form connections, that make us human and approachable. 

We often find ourselves acting tough because it’s all we know; it’s become second nature. But, acting tough isn’t the same as being strong. It’s a habit we’ve developed, often because we think it’s how we’re supposed to be. But, here’s a question worth asking yourself: am I actually being strong, or am I just trying to look tough? 

So, how do we make the shift from acting tough to building strength? Start by recognizing the difference. Understand that it’s okay to ask for help, to admit when you’re struggling, and to accept that no one is immune to pain. Improve your emotional vocabulary so that when you do need to address your feelings, you can do so effectively.

Remember, there’s a time and a place for everything, and while there may be moments when you need to set your feelings aside, don’t fall into the trap of suppressing them indefinitely. That doesn’t end well, believe me. They will surface eventually, usually at the most inopportune moment. 

One often overlooked aspect of the distinction between acting tough and demonstrating true mental strength is how maintaining a facade of toughness can inadvertently isolate women from the very support networks that are crucial for their advancement and well-being. While projecting an image of invincibility might seem like a strategic way to navigate workplace barriers and earn respect, it often leads to thinking we need to go it alone, with a reluctance to seek mentorship or support. By recognizing that showing vulnerability is not a sign of weakness, but rather a pathway to building our resilience and stronger professional relationships, we can unlock the energy and resources needed to overcome obstacles and thrive in our careers.

Being truly strong is about finding balance. It’s about knowing when to push through and when to take a step back. It’s about recognizing that you don’t have to do it all on your own, and that asking for help is a sign of wisdom, not weakness. So, let’s stop acting tough and start being truly strong – because that’s the kind of strength that will sustain us, not just through the tough times, but in the long run.

In the end, mental strength is about growing through what you go through, not just enduring it. So, let’s stop pretending that we’re made of steel and start embracing the strength that comes from our imperfections. 

Because, at the end of the day, that’s the kind of strength that will carry us forward, not just through our careers, but through life. 

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Demonstrating Your Strength of Character at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode one hundred and thirty-eight.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com.

If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It’s my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what’s holding you back in your career, and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I’d love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.