Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success Podcast, episode forty-three. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

Women in this industry seem to be either considered likable or competent, and sometimes it’s hard to be both. Since it’s very apparent that we need both to succeed, that can foster our cynicism and they feed those stories we tell ourselves that we just don’t like people. But is that true? 

In this episode, we dive into the importance of connecting with others and developing charisma, which leads to being liked, trusted, and admired to help us overcome one of the most common barriers to our success. 

In the workplace, people are continuously, and often unconsciously, assessing your communication style for two sets of qualities: the first is likability, which encompasses empathy, warmth, and caring. And number two is competence, which is your authority, your power, credibility, and status. And for most people, the more likable you are, the less competent you seem. That may not seem fair, but that tends to be how it is for women in this industry. 

But what if it doesn’t have to be that way? Because I think we can separate the two. 

Become a technical expert in your field, and then the question of competence can be laid to rest for most people who like to focus on our shortcomings. And then focus on finding something to like about those around you, and you just might be surprised that they are more likely to give you the benefit of the doubt in return. 

The rules are different for both men and women. For men, the most valuable communication strengths are a commanding physical presence, without being too confident in their own opinion, and direct and to the point interactions, without being overly blunt or tactless, and effectively displaying their power, without being insensitive to the reactions of others. 

For women, the most valued communication strengths are the ability to read body language and pick up on nonverbal cues, so as to hold someone’s attention long enough to communicate our point as concisely as possible, and good listening skills, so as to be more collaborative, and not come across as too commanding, with an effective display of empathy, so as to be perceived as warm without being overly emotional.

Most people prefer direct concise communication. And because of how women are expected to behave, we are perceived as indirect and less confident. So women are at a disadvantage professionally where we tend to be overlooked and undervalued. 

So, let me get this straight, we need to be coming across as confident, but not authoritative, while exuding warmth and empathy, without being seen as overly emotional by those who show no emotion whatsoever or who tend to bury their feelings completely. That’s a pretty tall order for anyone. It’s hard to be yourself at work when you’re worrying about being too much and not enough, all at the same time. 

One of the most common ways people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any. And when you don’t understand how you’re supposed to act to get ahead, sometimes it just feels easier to blame everyone else for our lack of success and not bother to build the relationships that could help us advance our careers. This is where you do have some control. 

You get to decide how you will come across to others. Your likability depends on how well you connect with people. That means connecting with honesty and sincerity. It can feel good to say what you mean, and many of us would prefer to connect without all that drama. So train yourself to read social situations to figure out what’s going on. What are the interests, needs, feelings and intentions of those involved? 

Respect, affirm, and appreciate people rather than putting them down and, not surprisingly, most will respond in kind. Listen attentively, respectfully, with the intention of learning something from what they are saying. Then pause before immediately responding to what someone says. Avoid interrupting them. Give what they’ve said a moment to land. 

Just doing that will set you apart from those around you. As we well know, everyone has an opinion. And remember, everyone is entitled to their opinion. When you disagree, first acknowledge their right to think the way they do, then offer your views respectfully, focusing on something that you can agree on. 

Try using questions rather than confrontation, with the intention of gaining and understanding of how they see the issue. I would recommend avoiding conflict with toxic people because it is possible to work around them instead. Remember, arguing is one of the least effective ways of changing someone’s mind. 

But the good news is you don’t need to fight to win. It’s possible for relationships to drift into indifference through neglect. So while causing conflict and irreconcilable differences may be a more dramatic way to make your point, it’s not the only way to get away from these toxic people. 

Pay attention to several areas that are completely within your control: the first is your body language. Because without saying a word, you can transmit strength, confidence, warmth, and likability. Secondly, your presence. Because devoting all of your attention to the person you’re with and making a point to actually listen to them, while not letting your mind wander to something else, is what they’re really looking for. And third, your emotional intelligence, which is what we’re good at. Because being aware of your own emotions, as well as the emotions of those around you, and having empathy, can enhance your ability to stay cool under pressure, and understand other people’s perspectives, which leads to greater connection. 

Here are a few things that you can do to better connect with others: 

• Try helping them, because spending your time and energy helping others when you can creates an environment of positive energy that others are naturally drawn to. 
• Build your self-confidence, because developing the knowledge and skills you need to do your job effectively, and then sharing that expertise with those around you, can keep any question of your competence at bay. 
• Be assertive, because communicating your wants and needs, while still respecting theirs, allows you to possibly look for some alignment between the two. 
• And finally, maintain a positive outlook, because by accentuating the positive, you are more likely to gain the benefit of the doubt in return. 

Wouldn’t it be great if people listened when you talked? And wouldn’t it be amazing if people supported your ideas?

Developing charisma increases your influence in the workplace. Charisma leads to being liked, trusted, and admired. Everyone wants to be around a charismatic person. We want to be part of whatever team they’re on. 

Many believe that you’re either born with it or you’re not, but this isn’t the case. We can all become more charismatic because charisma is a collection of traits and behaviors that make you appeal to other people by being engaging, likable, trustworthy, assertive, confident, inspiring, and warm. 

It can be a bit magical when it all comes together. To have that innate grace about you that often stops people in their tracks, where people want to work with you, they are drawn to your ideas, they’re more likely to trust your opinion, and be influenced to adopt your perspective for themselves. 

It’s great to be charismatic in business even if you’re not in a leadership role because charisma is a form of power which uses the influence that you have with other people who like and respect you. But as with most things, charisma can be misused to manipulate others into doing something that’s against their best interests. But we’re going to focus on using our powers for good. 

It’s that mix of traits and behaviors that turn you into a magnetic, engaging personality. And we can learn and adopt these traits as our own. It takes time and effort to develop charisma, so look at it like your personal journey. The more energy we put into finding something likable about the people around us, the more we will convince ourselves that while there are toxic people out there, we’re not painting everyone with the same brush. 

So what happens when we tell ourselves that we don’t like people? And what might we do instead of declaring that people aren’t worth our time?

I’m guilty of this. When I say I don’t like people, generally I’m referring to all people, not just that coworker that I definitely don’t like or trust. I’m therefore writing off all or a whole group of people in my mind when I say that they get on my nerves or that I can’t stand them. But these statements are just thoughts. They happen to be the thoughts that I had been replaying in my mind so often that I began to believe that they were true. Because words have power, not only because they’re a reflection of our thinking, but saying those words often enough has a way of bringing more evidence to support them into our lives. 

We know that it’s our thinking that creates our feelings, which then drive us to do something or to do nothing at all, and then that produces a result. If we don’t like people, then the actions we take tend to be to physically avoid any interaction with them, and to not speak to them when we see them, and to have that look on our face that says, in no uncertain terms, do not speak to me. I don’t want to be bothered. But it’s just a wall that we’ve created to protect our feelings. 

If you were able to go back to that moment when you first decided that you didn’t like people, very likely it came about as a response to experiencing an unwanted emotion. The circumstances that triggered this thought may have only happened once, or maybe it was an ongoing thing that happened over and over. Then, based on the accumulation of those experiences, it has led you to thinking that you don’t like people, and you began to build a story around that. 

Maybe it was someone you trusted who betrayed that trust, and then you told yourself that you’d never let that happen again. So you decided, in that moment, that all people were cut off because you didn’t want to feel that kind of pain again. Maybe it was that time you were passed over for a well-deserved promotion or raise. Or maybe that time someone at work told you how surprised they were at how articulate you could be. Or they said something to you that was inappropriate or passive aggressive. 

Whatever it was for you, there came a point in your life where, based on that experience, you walked away with the thought that you no longer like people in general, and then you bought into the story that you’ve been telling yourself for years that people aren’t worth your time. 

Then, imagine yourself walking into work in the morning with that look on your face. Maybe you’ve been trying to convince yourself and everyone around you that you’re just not a morning person. And so what? Am I supposed to walk around smiling all the time? But when you are happy on the inside, that happiness exudes through you and you can’t contain it. So having that look on your face does not leave anyone with the impression that you’re happy. 

You may not understand how you got to this place. Because, at least in my case, it’s been a long time since I was dumb enough to trust people. These are the thoughts I used to tell myself. And then I wondered why I was so annoyed with and irritated by everyone around me. Some of them even had the audacity to ask me why I was looking so angry, with the intent of wanting to make sure that everything was okay with me.

I’d been carrying around the anger for such a long time. That frustration and disappointment were impacting how I was showing up, whether I had intended for it to be obvious or not. What I didn’t realize was that I just kept those emotions buried, not wanting to deal with it. 

But emotions are like waves. They are meant to flow through you. And instead of allowing that process to happen, I kept those emotions trapped inside my body. 

Showing emotion at work was not a safe thing to do. It was seen as a form of weakness. So I learned to stuff them down as a coping mechanism, for survival, in what I had decided was a hostile environment I had to work in every day. But our bodies aren’t designed to hold those emotions inside. At some point, we unconsciously start to behave or act out based on those feelings that we’ve trapped inside our bodies. 

For those of you who have raised a teenager or two as I have, they tend to go through a phase of acting out, and it’s kind of like that. When you ask them why, they respond with, I don’t know. And as adults, we get frustrated by this. But really they are just reacting to the emotions going on inside them because they don’t know how to process them. Because like us, no one has taught them. These trapped emotions then begin to negatively affect our health. 

All of the negativity we’ve internalized with these emotions start sending up flares and warning signals, but we choose to ignore these signs that something’s got to give. We keep going until, at some point, we decide we can’t do it any longer. 

It took me a long time to come to the realization that it was me who had to change my thinking and my mindset, perhaps way too long. It required courage to face that what was happening, was not what I wanted for myself. I wasn’t proving anything to anyone by continuing along this path. I had to start putting myself and my well-being first. 

It’s important to take the time to process your emotions and know that it’s okay. The longer you avoid them, the more you increase your own suffering, and the longer it will take for you to feel better. 

What we are really saying when we tell ourselves that we don’t like people is that I don’t want that part of the human experience where I have to depend on other people, because I relied on someone in my past and they just disappointed me. So now I have to protect myself from people in general. It’s a statement that, in the moment, feels very justified because it’s become part of our coping mechanism for protection, and ultimately survival, in an environment where nothing appears to be within our control. 

But in reality, it just creates a different kind of pain, one that comes from isolation, which perpetuates those feelings that you’re not enough and creates self-doubt, which means that you’re not showing up with confidence in the workplace. When you write off people in your mind, your brain will immediately go in search of evidence to support that thought. 

So the more you think it, the more you internalize it, until it feels real and becomes part of your belief system. 

You’ve then isolated yourself. There’s no one that can even get close enough to show you that not all humans are the same. They’re not all out to sabotage you. Not all people are bad. 

I’d like to offer you a different perspective. The truth is the human experience can be messy with lots of emotions, good and bad, that are meant to be part of this whole thing we call life. We need the contrast or we wouldn’t appreciate just how great positive emotions can feel.

Be honest with yourself and willing to allow your emotions, instead of suppressing them. Be open instead of guarded, by entertaining the idea that you do want human connection, that you do want to feel included and feel like you belong at work. When you close yourself off to other people as a way to protect yourself, you actually close yourself off to who you are. 

It’s time to move forward from this place. And that requires some self-reflection and having compassion for yourself, to decide whether the results that you’re creating by not wanting to deal with people are the results that you actually want. So look at your actions. Could it be that you are the one separating yourself from others and blaming them for excluding you? Ask yourself, do you want to keep believing the thought that I don’t like people? Is it serving you? Really? 

If I had to guess, it isn’t having the effect you wanted at all. 

When you cut yourself off from people, while you thought that was the best way to protect yourself from being disappointed by them, you’re also limiting your opportunities and career advancement. It’s still a combination of what you know and who you know that helps you move up in your organization. 

Are you ready to tear down that wall that you’ve built to protect yourself? Remember, investing in people is a good use of your time. 

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Connecting With People at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode forty-three.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com. And if you liked this show, please tell a friend. Subscribe, rate, and review. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thanks for joining me.