Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode one hundred and forty-three. I’m your host Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

In our professional lives, we’re often told to follow the well-worn path where we’re expected to conform to organizational norms and meet the expectations set for us. The idea is that if we play by the rules, success will inevitably follow. But, what they don’t tell us is what works for one person doesn’t always work for another. And, what got us to where we are today won’t necessarily take us to where we want to go tomorrow. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that mimicking the behaviors and strategies of others is the surest route to success. But, at some point, we all realize that the path to true success isn’t about forcing ourselves to fit some ideal employee prototype – it’s about carving out our own unique path. 

In this episode, we confront the uncomfortable truth that the strategies that have served us well so far might not be enough to propel us forward. This realization is both liberating and terrifying. It demands a shift in mindset, from one of conformity, to one of self-trust and bold action. Embracing our unique strengths, taking calculated risks, and having the confidence to do things our own way are essential steps on this journey. The path may be less predictable and more fraught with challenges, but it’s also where true fulfillment happens. 

Ideally, in the workplace, we’re supposed to bring our ‘whole selves’ to work – so long as that self fits nicely within the organization’s tidy little box. From the moment we enter the working world, we’re inundated with subtle (and not so subtle) messages that encourage conformity. There’s a certain way to act, dress, and speak if you want to get ahead. There’s a ‘type’ of person who succeeds, and we quickly learn that it’s rarely the one who colors outside the lines. 

But, here’s the thing: while conformity might keep the gears of an organization well-oiled, it’s your quirks, those rough edges that people might raise an eyebrow about, that will ultimately set you apart. It’s what some may deem ‘too much’, while others see as ‘not enough’. It all seems so subjective, so what are we to do? You’re never going to please everyone, so instead, this is where I suggest you leverage the power of doing things your own way, by embracing the messiness of your unique career path and resisting the constant pressure to become just another cog in the corporate machine. 

Organizations thrive on predictability and stability. They love to keep things smooth and steady with systems, policies, and a whole lot of “we do things this way because that’s the way we’ve always done them”. But, here’s a little secret: that same predictability that makes things easier for them can also keep us stuck doing more of the same day in and day out. When everyone conforms to the same set of expectations, when everyone rounds off their rough edges to fit the organization’s ideal, the potential for differentiation goes out the window. 

Now, I’m not suggesting you go rogue and start ignoring every guideline or company policy. There’s a difference between being a maverick and being reckless. But, learning to trust your instincts, to lean into your unique perspective, and to do things your own way within those guidelines is where the magic happens. Many of the most celebrated leaders today were once criticized for their quirks. The very qualities that made them outliers early in their careers are what we celebrate them for now. Don’t let the organization prune away the parts of you that make you, you. Those quirks might just be your superpower. 

Of course, doing things your own way doesn’t come without its challenges. The workplace is full of biases and stereotypes, particularly for women and other underrepresented groups. We’re often held to different standards and face penalties for behavior that would be celebrated in our male counterparts. Assertiveness is often perceived as aggression. Confidence is misinterpreted as arrogance. It’s enough to make anyone second-guess their instincts. But, if you’re going to succeed on your terms, you’ll need to learn to push past these biases, embrace setbacks as part of the process, and put your focus into building your self-confidence. 

The reality is, you’re going to make mistakes, and there will be times when what you’re trying to do doesn’t work out the way you planned. But, instead of letting those failures derail you, embrace the lessons to be learned. Each misstep is a stepping stone to success, if you take the time to analyze what went wrong and apply that to whatever you do next. It’s not about being perfect or getting it right every time. It’s about learning from the experience and coming back stronger. Remember, the people who criticize you for your quirks now, might be the same ones who celebrate you for those very qualities later. So, stop trying to avoid criticism by being perfect – it’s a losing game. 

In the workplace, it’s easy to fall into the trap of people-pleasing and seeking external validation. We want to be seen as valuable, as worthy, and as someone who meets or exceeds the expectations set out for us. But, if you rely too much on external validation, you’ll end up chasing someone else’s idea of success rather than your own. 

Organizations are designed to incentivize conformity. They reward behaviors that fit the established culture, and in doing so, they quietly encourage us to smooth out our rough edges and become more like everyone else. The problem is this people-pleasing, validating-seeking behavior leaves us vulnerable to manipulation. It might get you a pat on the back in the short term, but it could also cause damage to your level of confidence in the long term. 

Instead, focus on lessening your reliance on external validation. Cultivate your own internal sense of worth. Learn to trust your instincts, even when they go against the grain. It’s not easy, and it requires a healthy dose of self-awareness and self-compassion. But, in the long run, it’s far more rewarding to follow your own path than to mold yourself into someone else’s idea of what is ‘enough’. 

Make no mistake: you will face challenges along the way. The system is designed to favor conformity, and stepping outside of the lines will attract scrutiny. You might be asked to conform to a norm that doesn’t reflect your true aptitudes and passions. And yes, that might mean your journey to success looks different from those around you. But, that’s okay. Persisting despite these challenges will only make you stronger and more resilient. 

Persistence is key. The challenges you face now will make you more resilient in the long run. They will help you build the kind of grit and tenacity that’s necessary for long-term success in this industry. Don’t allow others to round off your rough edges. Don’t let the system make you question your capabilities. 

We all have a tendency towards self-doubt. We want to hide our quirks and present a polished, perfect version of ourselves to the world. Sometimes, this is our misguided attempt to avoid criticism because we’re already struggling with the belief that we don’t belong. But, the quirks you’re tempted to hide might be the very thing that sets you apart. They might be the qualities that lead to your greatest successes. Embrace them. Let them shine. Don’t conform to someone else’s idea of what you should be or downsize your ambitions based on what they think you deserve. 

Confidence is also key. I admit it’s one of those workplace mantras that’s tossed around so much that we begin to wonder if it’s even true. What if I told you that confidence isn’t some magical trait bestowed upon the lucky few, but rather a choice – a muscle that you build over time through action? And, what if I also told you that confidence isn’t about achieving perfection? In fact, believing that confidence comes from perfection is one of the most common misconceptions out there. It’s holding a lot of us back from reaching our full potential. 

For me, the idea that confidence comes as a result of taking action was a game-changer. Many of us believe that we’ll magically feel confident once we’ve achieved a certain level of success or perfection. But, unfortunately, that’s not how it works. Confidence isn’t something you earn after you’ve reached the pinnacle of success; it’s the fuel that helps you get there in the first place. Every small step you take, every calculated risk, builds your confidence muscle. It’s not about waiting until you feel ready – it’s about doing the thing that scares you and realizing afterward that you survived it, and then doing it again.

This mindset shift is crucial. If you wait until you feel completely confident before taking action, you’ll be waiting forever. Instead, take those small steps, make those incremental moves, and let your confidence grow with each one. The truth is, the confidence you see in others isn’t because they’re perfect; it’s because they’ve chosen to act despite their doubts. 

We all carry around a suitcase full of limiting beliefs, many of which were handed to us by others who felt threatened by our potential. Maybe you’ve heard things like, “You’ll never be as good as them”, or “You’ll never amount to anything”. The sad reality is, we often buy into these lies. We internalize them and allow them to shape our perception of what we’re capable of. But, you have a choice to make: you can either buy into those limiting beliefs, or you can prove them wrong. And, guess which one leads to success?

Overcoming these beliefs isn’t easy, especially when they’re disguised as “constructive feedback” from people who may not want to see you succeed. But, recognizing them for what they are is the first step. The next step is making a conscious decision to shift your mindset towards self-improvement. You’re more capable than you give yourself credit for, and it’s time you started to believe it. 

There’s another misconception that needs to be put to rest: the idea that to get recognition, women need to mimic male traits while minimizing our own unique qualities and strengths, in other words, become someone we’re not. We’ve been conditioned to believe that assertiveness, competitiveness, and a no-nonsense attitude are the keys to success. And sure, those traits can be useful – but when women display them, we’re often penalized, labeled as aggressive or ‘too much’. It’s a classic case of double standards.

The truth is, trying to succeed by playing a game designed for and by men is a losing battle. You’re not going to win by being a poor imitation of someone else. Instead, focus on honing and showcasing your unique strengths. It’s those qualities – your empathy, your intuition, your collaborative spirit – that will set you apart and can lead to true, sustainable success. 

Here are three practical strategies for overcoming self-doubt and carving out a path to confidence:

1. Take Action: Confidence isn’t the absence of fear; it’s taking action in spite of it. Start with small, manageable risks that push you just outside your comfort zone. Each time you take action, you build evidence that you can handle whatever comes your way and your confidence will grow accordingly. 
2. Challenge Your Inner Critic: That voice in your head telling you you’re not good enough – it’s a liar. Whenever you catch yourself thinking negatively, pause and ask yourself if that thought is really true. More often than not, it’s just a limiting belief that needs to be challenged and dismissed. 
3. Appreciate How Far You’ve Come: We’re so quick to brush off our accomplishments as no big deal. Stop doing that. Celebrate every win, no matter how small, and let those victories feed your confidence. And, when someone compliments you, say thank you and let it sink in. Accepting compliments gracefully is a powerful way to acknowledge your worth. Sometimes, it’s the evidence you need that you’re on the right track. 

And speaking of compliments, let’s talk about sharing our accomplishments. We’ve been conditioned to believe that talking about our successes is boastful or unseemly. But, guess what? If you’re not willing to tout your achievements, who will? Learning to share your accomplishments in a way that’s authentic and confident is a crucial skill. It’s not about bragging; it’s about owning what we’ve done really well and making sure they’re recognized and maybe even rewarded. 

When you downplay your successes or fail to speak up about them, you’re doing yourself a disservice. You’re also reinforcing the very misconceptions that hold women back in the workplace. So, the next time you achieve something great, don’t be afraid to share it. And, when someone compliments you on a job well done, resist the urge to deflect. Instead, smile and say thank you. Own it. It feels good, doesn’t it? 

There’s a fine line between being assertive and being perceived as aggressive, especially for women. This is where effective communication and developing your workplace presence come into play. It’s a balancing act that requires you to be aware of how you’re coming across without compromising your authenticity. 

Here are three tips to help you navigate this tricky terrain:

1. Know When to Speak Up: You don’t have to dominate every conversation to have an impact. In fact, listening and soliciting the opinions of others can be just as powerful as speaking up. But, when it’s time to make your voice heard, do so with confidence. 
2. Master the Art of Bold Requests: Women often fall into the trap of thinking, “If it hasn’t been offered to me, there must be a reason why”. That kind of thinking is career suicide. Don’t assume that you’re not deserving just because no one has handed you the opportunity on a silver platter. Ask for what you want boldly, without waiting for an invitation or permission. The worst they can say is no, and even then, you’re no worse off than before. 
3. Defy Societal Expectations: We’re often expected to be deferential, to have an, “of course, I understand” attitude, especially when faced with predefined expectations about how high women can rise or what they can achieve. It’s time to shatter those expectations. Stand your ground, speak your truth, and don’t let anyone else dictate your path. 

The reality is, even when we do everything right, we’re still up against a system that wasn’t designed with us in mind. The corporate game is rigged, and the standards we are measured against are different. There’s no getting around that, but that doesn’t mean you should give up. It means you should play the game your way. Yes, the stakes are high, especially for women. And yes, the possible consequences for stepping out of line are steep. But the alternative – conforming to something that just doesn’t fit and draining your energy in the process – is far worse. 

Trusting yourself is easier said than done, especially when you’re surrounded by people who seem to have it all figured out. But, here’s the thing: no one knows you better than you do. You know your strengths, your weaknesses, and the challenges you’ve faced to get to where you are today. So, stop doubting yourself and start trusting that you have what it takes to succeed. 

Taking risks is a big part of this. It’s easy to play it safe, to stick with what you know, and to avoid stepping outside your comfort zone. But, growth doesn’t happen in the safety of the familiar. It happens when you take a leap of faith – whether that’s speaking up in a meeting, taking on a new project, or pursuing a career path that feels a little (or a lot) outside the norm. Don’t try to conform to someone else’s idea of success; create your own. 

I know it’s not news to anyone that the workplace isn’t a fair or equitable playing field. We’re often expected to work twice as hard to prove ourselves, to deal with biases that our male counterparts might not even be aware of, and to navigate a system that wasn’t designed with us in mind. It’s not an excuse; it’s just the reality. But, understanding this reality doesn’t mean accepting it. It means using it as motivation to make a difference – for yourself and for those who come after you. 

One of the biggest confidence killers to be aware of is the habit of personalizing everything that happens at work. If a project needs improvement, it’s easy to see it as a personal failure. If someone criticizes your work, it’s hard not to take it to heart. But, what we don’t realize is that most of the time, it’s not about you. People aren’t thinking about you nearly as much as you think they are. They’re too busy getting on with their own lives to worry about what you’re up to. 

So, when you’re facing criticism or dealing with a tough situation at work, try to keep things in perspective. It’s not a personal attack; it’s just business. Develop a list of responses to handle criticism with grace. Something as simple as, “Thank you for the feedback, I appreciate it”, can go a long way in diffusing a situation and keeping your confidence intact. And remember, lots of other people are facing the same hurdles you are. You’re not alone, and you’re not the only one dealing with the complexities of today’s workplace. 

Another powerful strategy for building confidence is to shift the focus from ‘me’ to ‘we’. Instead of getting caught up in worrying about how you’re being perceived, think about how you can contribute to the success of the team or the organization as a whole. When you take the spotlight off yourself, it can help reduce self-doubt and increase your sense of purpose. This isn’t about downplaying your accomplishments or minimizing your role; it’s about recognizing that true confidence comes from knowing you’re making a difference.

One thing that people often don’t realize is that embracing your unique path to success often requires you to unlearn the very behaviors and mindsets that once made you successful. The skills, attitudes, and strategies that helped you thrive in a structured, conformity-driven environment can actually become obstacles as you move toward a more self-directed career path. Success in the early stages of a career often comes from playing by the rules, meeting expectations, and fitting in. But, as you advance, true success comes from differentiating yourself, taking risks, and leveraging your unique strengths, which can feel counterintuitive after years of being rewarded for doing the opposite. 

The process of unlearning these habits is challenging because it often involves letting go of the safety net that conformity provides. It requires a shift from external validation to internal validation, where you trust your own judgment and instincts over the approval of others. This is where many people struggle – they want to forge their own path, but they’re held back by the very habits that once served them well. 

In the end, the only way to truly succeed is to embrace who you are, quirks and all. Confidence comes from action, from pushing past fear and doubt, from challenging the status quo, and from refusing to let anyone else determine what’s possible for you. 

So, take the leap, trust yourself, and blaze your own trail. Because life is too short to spend it trying to be someone you’re not. 

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Doing It Your Way at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode one hundred and forty-three.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com.

If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It’s my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what’s holding you back in your career, and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I’d love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.