Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode one hundred and twenty-one. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

Navigating the complex terrain of the modern workplace requires more than just strategic acumen and professional expertise; it demands a mastery of emotional intelligence, particularly in leadership roles. Strong leaders understand that the true test of their capability is in how they handle stress, uncertainty, and interpersonal challenges. By choosing to approach these hurdles with calmness and kindness, rather than succumbing to emotional outbursts or aggressive behavior, leaders can cultivate a work environment that promotes resilience and mutual respect. 

In this episode, we’ll explore the transformative power of leading with empathy and patience, focusing on practical strategies that allow us to assert our strength without forgetting about having a little compassion. I aspire to be strong, calm, and kind, rather than being the weak, emotionally volatile, and mean version that sometimes shows up. Attempting to maintain a steady demeanor in the face of adversity can lead to more effective team dynamics, which can then drive more sustainable success. 

We often visualize success as the ultimate panacea that will wash away all doubts, insecurities, and challenges. However, the reality of building that career we’ve always dreamed of can be quite different – both incredibly exciting but also dauntingly complex. As you’ve worked your way up the corporate ladder, each achievement hasn’t just been a milestone, but a transformative experience that has shaped not only your professional identity, but also contributed to a substantial amount of growth in the process. 

When you first embarked on this path, you might have been uncertain whether you could pull it off, but you did. The thrill of succeeding against your own doubts and the external expectations was no doubt amazing. This success didn’t just affirm your capabilities; it broadened your horizons, perhaps opening more doors than you ever expected. Now, with a taste of success, you find yourself hungering for more, setting your sights on even greater achievements. Yet, this desire for more is accompanied by a mix of excitement and trepidation. 

There’s a transformative moment in every professional’s life where everything changes – there’s the you before and the you after. Once you experience this shift, there’s no going back. It is interesting to note that instead of finding contentment in your success, you find it has only stoked the flames of your ambition, pushing you to dream bigger. This ambition, however, is a double-edged sword. It brings with it those familiar feelings of uncertainty, self-doubt, and stress. 

You find yourself in a transitional space – between the comfort of your past achievements and the unknown of future endeavors, between who you were and who you aspire to be. Suddenly, staying in your lane seems insufficient, and what was supposed to be a fun journey, now feels a little less satisfying. You expected success to make things easier, but it hasn’t. So, now you’re left wondering why it doesn’t feel better and why the path isn’t smoother. 

Amid these conflicting emotions, you might entertain thoughts that your goals are too lofty or unrealistic. Doubts creep in, making you question whether you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. But what if this period of uncertainty isn’t a sign of impending failure, but rather an indication that you’re on the brink of a breakthrough? This isn’t just about surviving; it’s about learning to thrive in uncharted territory. 

Consider this taste of success not an ending point, but as a portal into all that you can become. It demands that you be bold, willing to confront and wrestle with imposter syndrome yet again, and silence that inner voice that discourages you from seeking help or expressing vulnerability. It requires asking for more of what you want, while ignoring the fear of being seen as difficult or making a fuss.

There is an invigorating, albeit anxiety-inducing, idea here. Perhaps you haven’t reached your destination yet and you can go even further. The possibilities are electrifying, yet the stress and high stakes can be overwhelming. This process has not only inspired a fundamental shift in your understanding of who you could be, but has also extended your expectations of yourself. This might be a good time to consider whether you’ve set your goals at the right level, challenging enough to motivate you, but not completely out of the realm of possibility.

Previously, you might have viewed each success as a final destination, a point at which you had “arrived”. Now you realize that each success is not an end point, but more of an inflection point in your lifelong journey. It’s about doing what you never thought possible, while also navigating the crushing complexities of doubt, vulnerability, envy, imposter syndrome, exhaustion, and perhaps even burnout. 

Leadership, in this context, is about maintaining calmness and kindness. It involves navigating these high-pressure situations without resorting to those emotional outbursts or mean-spirited behaviors that others seem to employ regularly. It’s about leading by example, showing that strength in leadership is not demonstrated by power or authority alone, but by empathy, resilience, and the willingness to remain vulnerable. This approach not only fosters a supportive work environment, but also encourages everyone to bring their best selves to work, creating a culture where challenges are met with collective strength and compassion.

As you stand at this juncture, remember that your journey of success is not just about achieving goals, but also about growing as a leader and a person. It’s about transforming every new challenge into an opportunity for personal and professional development, driving not just your own growth, but also inspiring those around you to rise along with you. 

In our career journeys, challenging perceptions and expectations is not just about setting ambitious goals; it’s about redefining who we are and what we can become. Each time you envision the next level of success, you may discover a version of yourself that was previously unimaginable, a potential you never thought was real. This glimpse of who you could become invites you to dwell in the discomfort of uncertainty, while trying to reconcile your ambition with the barriers you may have encountered, pushing you to play bigger and redefine your expectations for yourself.

Coming to terms with your ambition means engaging deeply with who you are and who you could be. It involves playing in that uncertain, uncomfortable space where true growth occurs. Here, mixed emotions are not just inevitable, they are essential. They signal that you are moving beyond the familiar, into the potential of what could be. It’s crucial to pause, listen to these emotions, reflect on them, and learn from them. Rather than seeing uncomfortable emotions as something to be endured, we can renegotiate our relationship with them, recognizing them as signals of transformation. 

Often, we find ourselves walking a fine line between perceptions – being strong versus appearing weak, or calm versus being labeled emotional. These perceptions can significantly influence career advancement. Managing this tightrope involves embracing the mixed emotions of excitement and fear, joy and anxiety, as well as possibility and uncertainty. It requires recognizing that you are the only one who gets to choose which version of yourself you become. 

This journey is not linear; it’s a series of successes punctuated by losses, lessons, and life events. There is no single finish line, but a series of checkpoints that help us redefine our goals and aspirations. Every success is not a destination, but a stepping stone. There is no limit to your growth. Your ambition might be voiced with confidence or might whisper unexpectedly, catching you by surprise. Everything you’ve achieved up to this point is merely the preamble to what you might achieve next. 

One of the most challenging aspects of this journey is quieting the imposter syndrome and accepting that you are worthy of your goals, that you belong where you aspire to be, and that you can achieve anything you set your mind to. It’s okay to want something so big you can only whisper it to yourself, at first. You must learn to banish self-doubt, to stop believing that success is out of reach or only for someone else, or that your goals are too ambitious for someone like you. What does that even mean anyway? 

As you navigate this path, you might often wonder when others will discover that you don’t have all the answers, or whether you can truly be successful as the real you, not just the version that is more palatable to others. It’s about learning to let go of everyone else’s expectations and to expect more from yourself. It’s about not shrinking yourself to fit into a smaller box built by someone else. 

The energy we often squander on seeking the approval and admiration of others can be redirected toward reaching our true potential. Ask yourself: Do these people or their opinions truly matter in my life? As you reach for your next success, consider whether seeking their approval motivates you or merely weighs you down.

Having glimpsed the future version of yourself that you want to become, you can’t unsee it. The question now is what you will do with the burden of your potential and your ambition. You have to allow yourself to play bigger. What has happened in the past doesn’t matter. It’s time to adopt a resilient attitude that transforms bad outcomes into opportunities for growth. 

With everything you’ve been through, your inner critic might be riled up and ready to go, making you question everything. It’s crucial to block out that chorus of other voices – other people’s views, judgments, predictions, opinions – before you can form a perspective for yourself. Our identity is not a fixed trait, but many of us have no true sense of self, only an image shaped by others. 

We tend to base our sense of self on how we believe others perceive us. But the truth is, we aren’t who we think we are based on the definitions created by those around us; we are who we decide to be. Figuring out who you are is a critical step – not the you from before, not the one others said you were, but the real you, who was made for more. This person will carry you to places beyond your wildest imagination, if you’re willing to try. 

Who you are isn’t determined by the opinions of others, and you don’t need their approval. Your identity is ever-evolving, and it takes work every day to own it. Many of us are still attempting to be someone we’re not, and yet we teach our children to feel the fear and do it anyway. It’s time we apply the same principle to ourselves and do the things that scare us most. And if I had to bet, that’s embracing our true ambitions and potential. That can be scary stuff. 

In the complexities of our careers, the notions of being strong, calm, and kind may seem like virtues reserved for the flawless. Yet, the reality is much more relatable. These traits are not inherent gifts, but cultivated responses to the rollercoaster of emotions and challenges we face daily – filled with dread, discomfort, and doubt, often leaving us wondering about our path and our identity. But what if these jumbled emotions are not stumbling blocks, but stepping stones that are leading us on the right track? 

Recognizing the uneasiness as a pathway to growth is the first step. It suggests that every uncomfortable moment is a chance to grow, a pivotal moment to figure things out. Here, you are about to learn how to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Keep showing up, embracing the good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s time you acknowledged that anything is possible as long as you are willing to step outside of your comfort zone. 

Here are six practical strategies to help you harness your inner strength:

1. Confront imposter syndrome: Imposter syndrome is like the ultimate gaslighting – it makes you doubt your worth and your place. Recognize that feeling like an imposter when trying on a new identity is normal. You might fear that people will see you as a fraud. Instead of cowering or overcompensating, acknowledge that these feelings are common. You can appear confident and courageous, even if you feel like you’re making it up as you go along. Remember, life is short. Stop apologizing for your big, ambitious goals just because they make someone else uncomfortable. 
2. Cultivate your inner confidence: It can be revolutionary to realize that while you can’t control many external factors, you can control your reaction to them. Create your interpretation of the world that helps rather than hinders you. This means tuning out the naysayers and focusing on your inner confident voice, the one that has guided you all along. This isn’t about denying reality, but choosing a perspective that empowers you. 
3. Manage your emotions: Identify your emotional reactions to better understand your responses to challenges. Narrate your own story positively. When you focus on negative self-talk, negativity will dominate your experiences. Conversely, focusing on positive outcomes can shift your reality. Learn to identify your true emotions and name them rather than trying to bury them. You’ll be surprised how quickly you can move through them when you identify what it is you’re feeling and give them a little space.
4. Let go: Understanding that much of our past pain involves the issues of others allows you to decide what to do with that baggage. Choose to make those painful experiences a part of your story in a way that strengthens you. The choice is yours. Letting go of the need to conquer all issues or be perfect all of the time can be liberating and make you unstoppable. 
5. Take responsibility: Start taking responsibility for how you show up in the world. Accept yourself as you are now – a work in progress. Stop trying to please everyone. Most people are too concerned with their own issues to pay much attention to you anyway, so free yourself from the weight of what you perceive to be their expectations. 
6. Replace fear with learning: Perhaps you’re afraid of not knowing enough or embarrassing yourself by making a misstep. Trust that you’ll figure it out along the way. Recognize that failure doesn’t define your future possibilities any more than your past successes do. 

Remaining strong, calm, and kind in the face of challenges involves embracing discomfort and using it as a catalyst for growth. It requires recognizing your emotions, confronting imposter syndrome, and nurturing your inner confidence. By managing how you react to external influences and focusing on positive self-talk, you not only navigate your journey more effectively, but also empower yourself to reach new heights, continually evolving and embracing whatever comes your way.

The decision to lead with strength, calmness, and kindness, rather than resorting to emotional outbursts or mean-spirited behavior, can have a transformational impact on workplace culture. It challenges traditional perceptions of strength, often associated with aggressiveness, by demonstrating that true leadership requires emotional intelligence and empathy. This approach fosters a supportive environment that encourages people to be more open. It also helps in breaking the mold of traditional leadership styles, setting a new standard that values emotional resilience as a key component of effective leadership.

Adopting a leadership style that emphasizes calmness and kindness enhances not only team performance, but also our own well-being. When we practice these principles, we’re better able to mitigate our own stress, build up our resilience, and possibly even prevent burnout. This more sustainable approach to work helps to maintain that steady, reliable presence which will work in our favor during times of uncertainty or challenge. 

To effectively embody and assert strength in leadership through calmness and kindness, choose even just one of these six practical strategies we’ve covered. These will help in developing your emotional agility, allowing you to better manage your reactions to stress and adversity constructively. By replacing fear and insecurity with a commitment to being strong, calm, and kind, we can navigate the complexities of our roles more effectively and inspire those around us to achieve greater success, too. 

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Being Strong, Calm, and Kind at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode one hundred and twenty-one.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com.

If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It’s my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what’s holding you back in your career, and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I’d love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.