Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode one hundred and sixty-five. I’m your host Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

Navigating today’s workplace often feels like playing a rigged game where the rules are constantly changing. Promotions, recognition, or the coveted project you’ve been promised always seem just out of reach, tied to vague criteria that shift the moment you think you’ve done what was needed to meet them. This cycle of unrealistic expectations and false promises isn’t just exhausting – it’s designed to keep you striving indefinitely, feeding into a culture that thrives on your self-doubt and overwork. The worst part? We’re often left blaming ourselves, convinced that if we just worked harder, stayed later, or made fewer mistakes, we’d finally get what we deserve. 

In this episode, we uncover the truth – the problem isn’t you – it’s the system. This cycle of moving goalposts isn’t about your performance; it’s about maintaining control and keeping you locked in a never-ending grind. Breaking free starts with recognizing these systemic issues for what they are and deciding to opt-out of a game you can’t win. By reclaiming your power, redefining success on your own terms, and focusing on goals that align with your values, you can create a career that feels authentic and fulfilling – not one dictated by someone else’s arbitrary standards.

If you’ve ever been promised a promotion, a raise, or that dream project you’ve been eyeing, only to watch it slip just out of reach time and time again, welcome to the maddening cycle of future faking. This form of coercive control thrives on keeping us stuck in a loop of false promises that erode our confidence and foster burnout. Whether it’s the allure of a coveted title, recognition for your efforts, or a bump in pay, the bait is always dangled just close enough to keep you striving – but perpetually out of reach.

If you’ve ever found yourself asking, “What more can I possibly do to prove I’m worthy?”, you’re not alone. The truth is, it’s not about doing more or trying harder. The problem isn’t you – it’s the system. The ever-shifting goalposts and the unrealistic expectations are designed to keep you striving, but never arriving. 

At some point, you may have realized that no matter how many late nights you pull or how many extra projects you take on, the reward you’re chasing never seems to materialize. That’s because the standards for success are often unclear, inconsistently applied, and conveniently shifted just as you’re about to meet them. 

Maybe you were told, “If you just take on this troubled project and work your magic, we’ll consider you for this shiny, new high-profile project next quarter”. Yet, when the next quarter rolls around, the narrative changes: “Actually, we need to see that you can handle even more responsibility first.” Sound familiar? I went through this scenario so many times. 

These moving goalposts aren’t just frustrating, they’re demoralizing. Worse, they’re designed to maintain control, keeping you grinding away in the hope that, eventually, your effort will be recognized. But, I hate to tell you, it won’t, because unclear standards are the ultimate power move they can use to keep your hopes alive. 

One of the most insidious aspects of moving goalposts is a lack of transparency in how success is defined. The standards you’re expected to meet are often arbitrary, depending on how well you’re currently performing, so that they are continually just beyond your reach. It’s like playing a game where the rules change halfway through, but only one team is aware of the changes. And can you guess who’s on the losing side? 

This lack of clarity isn’t accidental. It’s a tool they use to maintain control. When you’re trying to hit a target that’s in constant motion, you’re kept in a state of uncertainty and dependency. You’re too busy trying to figure out the game to realize that the game is designed to keep you off balance. 

Future faking is the promise of the next big thing – whether it’s a promotion, or a high-visibility project, or a pay raise – it’s always tied to just a little more effort, time, or patience on your part. 

Here’s how it goes: 

• Phase 1: you’re promised a reward if you achieve something specific.
• Phase 2: you achieve that (and maybe even go above and beyond). 
• Phase 3: the goalpost moves just a little further away, meaning you now have to do more, with vague reassurances that you’re ‘so close’. 
• Phase 4: repeat until you finally can’t do it anymore and stop trying, which often leads you down the path to burnout. 

This tactic keeps you motivated (or trapped, depending on how you look at it) while ensuring that the organization benefits from your hard work without ever having to pay up. It’s not just exhausting, it’s dehumanizing. 

When the rewards you’re working toward remain perpetually out of reach, it’s natural to start questioning your worth, “Maybe I’m not as good as I thought”, “What am I doing wrong?”, “Why can’t I get it right?”. These thoughts are the hallmark of future faking. It’s designed to make you feel inadequate, so you’ll keep striving, hoping that next time you’ll finally get it right.

But this constant questioning takes its toll. It chips away at your confidence, leaving you emotionally drained and fosters a dangerous belief: “If only I could fix myself, I’d be good enough”. I want to assure you that you’re good enough already. The problem isn’t you – it’s the organization. 

Going above and beyond gets us into the trap of invisible work. This is the extra effort you put in – like mentoring junior colleagues, managing the emotional labor of team dynamics, or being assigned thankless tasks – that goes unacknowledged and unrewarded. Sure, it’s valuable work, but in many workplaces, it’s the work that nobody else wants to do. 

When these efforts also go unrecognized, it’s easy to internalize the message that you’re not doing enough or that your contributions don’t matter. This fosters more self-doubt, making you question your abilities. And, what do we do when we doubt ourselves? We double down, taking on even more invisible work in the hope that this time it will get noticed.

In many of today’s workplaces, issues like gaslighting, silencing, and bias are all too common. These dynamics, subtly (or not so subtly), reinforce the idea that you’re the problem. Didn’t get that promotion? You must not have been assertive enough. Struggling to get buy-in for your ideas? Perhaps you need to improve your communication skills. The message is clear: the fault lies with you, so it’s up to you to fix it before you’ll get what you want.

But, I hate to tell you, this is gaslighting. These issues aren’t personal flaws – they’re external problems designed to make you question yourself. And, because we’re conditioned to seek solutions within ourselves, we try to fix what isn’t broken. Instead of recognizing the unfairness of the system, we internalize the blame, leading to a toxic cycle of overcompensating and doubting ourselves. 

So, what if you stopped playing this game altogether? What if, instead of chasing goal posts that keep moving, you planted your own?

The first step is recognizing that you don’t have to continue to prove your worth. You are already enough. The second step is redefining what success means to you. Maybe, for you, it’s not about the corner office or the big title. Maybe it’s more about finding balance and having a life outside the office, doing meaningful projects with smart people, or being in an environment where you feel respected and your contributions are valued.

Once you’ve defined success on your terms, you can start making intentional choices about how to pursue it. This might mean setting boundaries, saying no to extra work that isn’t serving your goals, or even exploring what else is out there that might be a better fit. 

To truly break free, you need to shift your perspective. Instead of asking, “What more can I do?”, start asking, “Why are these standards so impossible to meet?”. When you begin to see these organizational issues as external problems rather than internal flaws, you take back your power. 

Start by naming the patterns. Here are three of the most common: 

1. Unrealistic Expectations: If the standards keep changing, it’s not about you; there’s something more at play. 
2. Invisible Work: If your extra efforts go unacknowledged, it’s time to reevaluate whether they’re actually worth your energy. 
3. Toxic Dynamics: Gaslighting, bias, and silencing aren’t normal, and yet, they’ve been normalized, but you don’t have to continue to tolerate them. 

By naming these issues, you can begin to see them for what they are: tools of control designed to keep you insecure and striving. This shift in perspective is key to reclaiming your confidence and agency. 

Recognizing the problem is a good start, but it’s only half the battle. The next step is processing your experiences so they don’t continue to hold you hostage. Start by journaling your thoughts and feelings. Write down specific incidents that made you feel undervalued or unworthy. There’s something about seeing them in black and white that can be very validating and help you identify recurring patterns. 

Talk it out with someone you trust – a friend, mentor, coach, or a therapist. Sharing your story not only provides clarity but also reminds you that you’re not alone. 

Finally, set boundaries. Decide what you’re no longer willing to tolerate, whether it’s unrealistic expectations, doing that invisible work, or enduring toxic dynamics. Saying no to these things is a powerful way to start putting yourself first. 

Once you’ve processed your experiences, it’s time to take action. Start by defining your goals – what do you truly want in your career? Advocate for yourself by speaking up for clearer job descriptions, and put yourself in contention for those growth opportunities. Yes, it’s uncomfortable, but it’s necessary.

Once you see the pattern, you can’t unsee it. You start noticing how the same promises are made to others, how rewards are selectively distributed to maintain control, and how the system thrives on vague, shifting expectations. 

Recognizing the pattern is liberating because it shifts the focus from, “What am I doing wrong?” to, “Why am I tolerating this?”. 

Acknowledging the truth about future faking is tough. It means confronting the reality that your hard work and loyalty haven’t been acknowledged or rewarded in the way you thought they would. It’s easy to feel anger, frustration, or even grief over the time and energy you’ve poured into an organization that hasn’t reciprocated. 

But, this acknowledgment is also empowering. It allows you to stop internalizing the problem and start seeing it for what it is: an organizational issue, not a personal failure. This clarity is the foundation for reclaiming your power and redefining what you will – and won’t – accept moving forward. 

Once you’ve recognized the pattern, it’s time to draw some boundaries. This means deciding what you’re no longer willing to put up with, whether it’s unfulfilled promises, unclear standards, or extra work that goes unacknowledged. 

Make it clear – at least to yourself – what’s acceptable and what behaviors or practices you are no longer willing to tolerate. If a task or expectation doesn’t align with your goals or values, it’s a hard no. Although, you can frame it more nicely, if you choose to. I’ll leave that up to you. 

Start to advocate for yourself by clearly stating what you need to succeed, starting with having the expectations of your role made explicit and measurable. These types of systems that are designed to keep you feeling off-balance only work if you participate. The moment you decide to opt-out, the power dynamic shifts. 

Reclaiming control starts with choosing yourself – your goals, values and well-being – over participating in a rigged game. It’s important to recognize that these false promises that keep you hanging on often aren’t personal. They’re tools of control designed to maintain the status quo and keep power structures intact, because someone is benefiting from keeping things just as they are. 

As much as we’d like to believe otherwise, not every workplace can be transformed into an equitable, rewarding environment. Some organizations are so entrenched in their toxic dynamics that the best move you can make is to walk away.

So, instead of internalizing the struggle as a personal failure, we can recognize the game for what it is. This clarity allows us to stop over-investing, in proving our worth where it may never matter, and instead, focus on building careers aligned with our values, not the workplace’s inconsistent demands. It’s a shift from self-blame to organizational awareness and, ultimately, empowerment. 

You deserve more than a career filled with vague expectations and false promises. You deserve respect, fulfillment, and the freedom to define success however you choose. It’s not about working harder, being more agreeable, or trying to meet some impossible standard. It’s about recognizing the pattern and reclaiming your power. 

After all, the only standard that truly matters is the one you set for yourself. 

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Stop Hanging onto False Promises at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode one hundred and sixty-five. 

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger. My email address is info@cindyesliger.com. 

If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It’s my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what’s holding you back in your career and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I’d love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective.  

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.