Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode one hundred and sixty-two. I’m your host Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

When recognition for our hard work is relatively non-existent and we feel like we aren’t making any progress, the relentless push to ‘keep moving forward’ can overshadow an essential part of growth: looking backward. While it might seem counterintuitive, pausing to reflect on past experiences is one of the most powerful ways to fuel growth and increase our productivity. By addressing unresolved emotions, learning from setbacks, and rewriting unhelpful narratives, we can release the baggage that weighs us down and approach our careers with renewed clarity and confidence. 

In this episode, we explore the power of backward thinking as a guide to navigate a more empowered future. The challenges we face – being overlooked, undervalued, or outright dismissed – can leave emotional scars that, if left unchecked, can subtly sabotage our efforts. By reflecting on what we’ve been through, we gain the opportunity to close the loop on unfinished business, reframe narratives that no longer serve us, and make intentional choices about how to move forward. 

It’s not just about understanding what went wrong; it’s about acknowledging what went right, celebrating our resilience, and leveraging those insights to break free from patterns that hold us back. Reflection isn’t about dwelling on the past or spiraling into regret. It’s about using our experiences, good and bad, to our advantage as a strategic tool for turning future challenges into stepping stones on our way toward greater success. 

With all the advice out there, one would think that forward momentum is the key to breaking barriers and making progress. But, it’s only part of the puzzle. Without looking back, we risk lugging a whole suitcase of unresolved baggage into our future endeavors. And that is a surefire way to sabotage ourselves before we even get going on this journey. I invite you to consider that backward thinking, while counterintuitive, is one of the most productive tools we have for taking control of our professional lives. 

Looking backward isn’t just a stroll down memory lane; it’s an opportunity to examine what happened, why it happened, and how it made us feel. These reflections can illuminate patterns, highlight lessons, and help us make our next moves more strategic and impactful.

In male-dominated fields, where being overlooked and undervalued feels inevitable, reflecting on our past experiences becomes especially critical. If we don’t acknowledge those moments, we risk letting them silently dictate how we approach everything going forward. Reflection, when done right, isn’t about wallowing or replaying mistakes on an endless loop – it’s about gaining an understanding of what worked, what didn’t, and how we can use those insights to propel ourselves forward.

It’s understandable if the idea of backward thinking feels uncomfortable. After all, the narrative we’ve been sold is that success demands relentless forward motion. But, rushing ahead without understanding what you’re carrying from the past can work against you. 

By pausing to reflect, we give ourselves permission to learn from what’s already happened. This isn’t just about wishing we’d done things differently; it’s about gathering data. And, if you’re working in an environment where you’re constantly forced to prove yourself, as I was, you want every advantage you can get. Backward thinking is like putting together a cheat sheet for future success. 

Unresolved experiences don’t just fade away. They can linger for years, subtly influencing our decisions, reactions, and self-perception. 

Think about it. How many times have you held a grudge over being passed over for a promotion or having your ideas dismissed in a meeting? If you’re anything like me, those moments can fester, feeding a narrative that you’re undervalued and unappreciated. If left unchecked, they become the lens through which you see your professional possibilities. 

Unfinished business doesn’t just stay in the past – it follows you into the future, undermining your confidence, clouding your judgment, and sabotaging your ability to show up fully in your career. That’s why looking backward matters so much. It gives us the chance to confront, process, and reframe those experiences before they can wreak havoc on what might come next.

When we rush forward without pausing to reflect, we miss the chance to reframe what happened in a way that benefits us. Instead of allowing a professional slight or failure to define us, reflection lets us analyze it, extract the lesson, and move forward with clarity because an experience isn’t complete until it’s processed. 

Yet, how often do we actually take the time to do this? More often than not, we’re so eager to leave unpleasant experiences behind that we neglect to close the loop. But, unfinished stories and the way they make us feel have a way of sticking around, replaying themselves in our minds until we finally address them. 

One of the most insidious ways our past sabotages us is through the resentments we hold onto. Whether it’s a real or perceived slight, we can find ourselves justifying current actions or inactions based on unresolved emotions. “Why should I put myself out there again, when no one appreciated my hard work last time?” Does that sound familiar? That crossed my mind so many times. 

Without resolution, these resentments morph into emotional baggage that we carry into every new opportunity. Feeling unappreciated or disregarded in the past can lead us to approach future challenges with hesitation, undermining our efforts before we’ve even given ourselves a chance. 

The beauty of backward thinking is that it gives us the power to rewrite the narrative. Reflection allows us to step back, analyze what really happened, and – this is key – decide how we want to interpret it. 

For example, let’s say you were passed over for a leadership role this time around. Instead of clinging to a story that your boss doesn’t appreciate your abilities or that you’re not good enough, backward thinking lets you dig deeper. Maybe the decision had nothing to do with you personally. Maybe there were politics at play. Take it as a signal for you to further develop the necessary skills so you’ll be more than ready when the next chance comes around, or seek opportunities elsewhere. By reframing the experience, you turn it from a source of pain into a catalyst for growth. 

Here are five strategies to harness the power of reflection without falling into the trap of regret or overanalysis: 

1. Acknowledge What You Wanted: Start by getting clear on what you wanted to have happen – your goals, hopes and expectations. Maybe it was being included as part of a high-profile project, having your hard work recognized with a promotion, or simply a pat on the back for a job well done. Whatever it was, acknowledge it without labeling your desires as ‘too much’ or ‘unrealistic’. The only way to assess where things went wrong – or right – is to be honest about what you were hoping for in the first place. Clarity about your intentions is the first step toward understanding how things went off track. It isn’t about wallowing; it’s about gaining awareness. So, ask yourself some key questions to dig deeper: What did I want to happen? What actually happened? What external factors influenced the outcome? What role did I play, and what can I learn from it? These questions help you separate emotion from fact and focus on actionable insights. 
2. Allow Yourself to Feel: You can’t move forward productively while dragging emotional baggage behind you. Take the time to process unresolved feelings or conflicts. Given what happened, how did that make you feel? Frustration? Anger? Sadness? Disappointment? It’s all valid, but they don’t have to dictate your next move. You can’t move forward without acknowledging how you feel about the past. Working through your emotions clears the mental clutter and allows you to approach future opportunities with a fresh perspective. 
3. Separate Facts from Fiction: Identify the facts of what happened and separate them from the stories you’ve created around them. Facts are neutral; it’s your interpretation that gives them meaning. 
4. Extract the Lesson: Every experience, good or bad, has something to teach us. What’s the takeaway you can carry forward from this situation? 
5. Apply the Lesson Learned: This is where backward thinking really pays off. Once you’ve acknowledged that what happened wasn’t what you were hoping to have happen, you’ve processed your emotions, and extracted the lessons, it’s time to put them to work. Instead of letting past slights or failures define you, decide how you want to view them. A setback isn’t a dead end – it’s an opportunity to do something differently. Whether it’s tweaking your communication style, building stronger alliances, or simply recognizing when a situation is beyond your control, applying what you’ve learned ensures that your past experiences help rather than hinder you. 

Reflection isn’t about getting stuck in the past – it’s about learning from it. When we take the time to process our experiences, we gain the clarity and confidence to move forward more effectively. Yes, it’s uncomfortable. Yes, it forces us to confront emotions we’d rather avoid. But, in doing so, we free ourselves from the emotional baggage that can hold us back. 

In the professional world, where women are often overlooked and our work tends to be undervalued, we can’t afford to carry the extra burden of resentment. By looking backward, we give ourselves the tools to move forward with purpose, clarity, and power. 

If you’ve ever been told not to ‘dwell on the past’, you’re not alone. The prevailing wisdom in professional circles often emphasizes forward motion – never give up, keep your head down, and keep grinding. But, if we don’t occasionally pause to reflect, we risk dragging unresolved baggage, festering frustrations, and unhelpful narratives into our future endeavors. And, that’s the last thing we need. 

Backward thinking, contrary to popular belief, isn’t a step back. It’s a power move – a chance to recalibrate for future success. Reflection gives us the space to confront the difference between what we wanted to happen and what actually did. Did you aim for a promotion that didn’t materialize? Did your big idea get shot down in a meeting? These moments sting, but they also provide invaluable data. By examining the gap, we can start to understand what went wrong – or what external factors were at play – and adjust our strategy for next time. 

There’s no right or wrong way to feel about what happened. Whether you’re disappointed, angry, proud, indifferent, or some weird cocktail of emotions, the key is to let yourself feel it. Pretending you’re unaffected is not strength – it’s avoidance. Allowing yourself to process these feelings, rather than bury them, is what clears the way for growth.

I want to acknowledge that what happened in the past might not have been fair, but it doesn’t have to define you. Often we attach unhelpful meanings to our experiences: “I didn’t get that role because I’m not good enough” or “They didn’t listen to my idea because I don’t have their respect”. But, what if those stories aren’t true? What if that role went to someone else because the decision-maker was playing office politics? Or, your idea wasn’t rejected but simply overshadowed by poor timing? By reflecting, you get to rewrite the narrative into one that serves you, not sabotages you. 

Reflection can be uncomfortable. Confronting disappointment, anger, or sadness is never fun. But, avoiding those feelings doesn’t make them go away. It just ensures they’ll show up later, often at the worst possible moment. 

By creating space for your emotions, you give yourself permission to heal. Maybe you didn’t get the recognition you deserved, and that hurt. Acknowledge it, process it, and then let it go. You’ll be amazed at how much lighter you feel without the emotional weight dragging you down. 

Beware, reflection can easily spiral into overthinking. We tend to let past failures or disappointments shape how we see ourselves. Didn’t get that promotion? You might start believing you’re not leadership material. Got sidelined in a meeting? Maybe you tell yourself your voice doesn’t matter. The danger here is turning temporary setbacks into permanent identities. The goal is to gain clarity, not to drown in analysis-paralysis. Keep your reflection focused and purposeful. 

When we reflect, we often zero in on what went wrong and skip over what went right. But, your successes are just as important as your setbacks. They’re proof of your capabilities and a roadmap for how to replicate that success in the future.

I suggest you schedule time in your calendar for reflection. You don’t need to sit in a dark room for hours, journaling about all your career setbacks, thus far. Start small. Dedicate ten to fifteen minutes at the end of each week to reflect on what went well, what didn’t, and what you can learn from it. Making it a regular practice ensures you’re constantly growing without getting bogged down. 

When you reflect, it’s okay to feel disappointed, frustrated, or proud of yourself for trying, even if it didn’t work out. Emotions are part of the process. The key is to acknowledge them without letting them take over. Feeling sad about a missed opportunity is natural; letting that sadness convince you to stop trying, is not. 

When you catch yourself thinking, “I failed at this, so I’m not good enough”, pause and reframe. Instead, try: “This didn’t work out, but here’s what I learned and how I’ll do better next time”. Rewriting your internal dialogue helps you move forward with confidence. 

Reflection isn’t just about identifying areas for improvement; it’s also about recognizing how far we’ve come as proof of your resilience and capability. Once you’ve identified what you’ve learned, decide on how you’re going to apply it. Whether it’s changing how you approach meetings or setting clearer boundaries with colleagues, having a concrete plan ensures your reflection translates into progress. 

Reflection is a skill, and like any skill, it takes practice. You’re not going to have all the answers right away, and that’s okay. Be patient with yourself and trust the process. 

Looking backward to move forward might feel counterintuitive, but it’s one of the most effective ways to fuel your growth and productivity. By reflecting on the past with curiosity and courage, you gain the clarity and confidence to tackle whatever challenges may come your way. 

Reflection isn’t about holding onto the past – it’s about using it to build a stronger, more empowered future. By embracing reflection as a path to self-awareness and progress, we can break free from limiting patterns and move forward with renewed strength and determination toward a more empowered future. 

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Turn Past Lessons into Future Wins at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode one hundred and sixty-two. 

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger. My email address is info@cindyesliger.com. 

If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It’s my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what’s holding you back in your career and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I’d love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective.  

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.