Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode one hundred and fifty-eight. I’m your host Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

Our beliefs are the lenses through which we see the world, influencing how we approach work, relationships, and just about everything else. At their best, they guide us towards success and connection. At their worst, they keep us stuck in a self-fulfilling loop of doubt and disappointment. And most of the time, we don’t even realize it’s happening. Our brains, in their well-meaning but occasionally overzealous efforts to protect us, are wired to scan for threats – which nowadays is probably not life-threatening and just making us aware of that less-than-supportive coworker trying to derail our efforts to succeed. But sometimes, this instinct to keep us safe morphs into something much more counterproductive. 

In this episode, we explore the fact that we spend a lot of our time on high alert, always scanning for signs that someone might betray our trust, take advantage of us, or let us down. When we assume the worst about people, situations, or even ourselves, we limit what’s possible. 

I invite you to consider a different perspective. Changing our minds – whether it’s about what we expect from others or what we believe we deserve – can be a game-changer. In fact, it’s often the first domino in a chain of positive changes that transform how we approach life and work. 

As many of us are recovering cynics, me included, we’ve perfected the art of expecting the worst. Sure, this mindset keeps us safe from disappointment, but it also keeps us stuck. Our brains are still wired for survival, but the dangers are no longer life-threatening (though sometimes they might feel like it). Instead of protecting us, this heightened suspicion can make us see betrayal and selfishness where none exist. Sure, a healthy dose of realism is necessary, but there’s a difference between being cautious and sabotaging your own success. 

Cynics like to think they’re just being realistic. After all, they’ve seen what happens when trust is misplaced. When you think people are selfish and trying to take advantage of you, then it’s probably better to expect the worst than to get blindsided.

But here’s the thing: living in constant distrust doesn’t make you a realist – it makes you a pessimist with a public relations problem. And while that might feel like a protective barrier against disappointment, it often backfires. 

The truth is, cynicism doesn’t just affect how you view others; it impacts how others view you. If you believe everyone’s out to get you, the way you interact with people will reflect that belief. You might come across as closed off, defensive, or even antagonistic – traits that don’t exactly scream ‘promotion material’ or ‘team player’. And then you wonder why you’re not moving ahead at the speed you’d like. 

When you assume people don’t have your best interests at heart, you’re likely to treat them with suspicion. Maybe you withhold information because you’re sure they’ll use it against you, or you shut down during brainstorming sessions because you don’t trust their feedback.

Your behavior, shaped by your beliefs, can influence how others respond to you. If you act like a fortress, people will stop trying to connect with you. If you treat someone like they’re selfish, they might start focusing on their own interests because, well, why not? And then you’ve just created the very reality you feared. 

As a recovering cynic myself, I know that we love to tell stories filled with villains, and then we end up living in those stories. It’s a brutal cycle, but the good news is, it’s not set in stone. We can change our mindset with a little bit of effort. 

So, let’s talk about venting for a moment. It feels good, right? Nothing beats a coffee break with a trusted confidant where you unload every slight and grievance from the day, or the past week. There’s a certain sense of satisfying camaraderie in having your disenchantment validated by those who also believe that misery loves company.

But, I hate to break it to you, venting doesn’t actually help. In fact, it often makes things worse. When we vent, we’re not releasing anger – we’re fueling it. Every time we replay a negative experience, we reinforce the emotions tied to it. Venting keeps us stuck in a loop, tethered to a mindset that’s doing us no favors. 

So, while it’s tempting to commiserate with others, consider the long term cost. Are you building genuine connections, or are you just cementing a shared sense of resentment? 

In order to move forward, we have to acknowledge our own role in the stories we tell. This doesn’t mean blaming ourselves for everything that’s gone wrong. Instead, it’s about recognizing that our beliefs shape our interactions – and those interactions shape our reality. 

For example, if you walk into every team meeting expecting to be dismissed, you might unconsciously hold back, making it easier for others to overlook your contributions. If you assume your boss doesn’t value you, you might avoid taking on stretch assignments, missing opportunities to show them what you can do. 

When you believe something deeply, your actions will often make it so – whether you realize it or not. 

However, you can change your beliefs, and in doing so, you might just change the narrative of your life and career. This doesn’t mean flipping a switch from ‘everyone’s a villain’ to ‘everyone’s an angel’. It’s about finding a middle ground, a place where caution and a little positivity can coexist. 

Start by asking yourself: What story am I telling myself about this situation? What evidence do I have to support it? What’s another way I could interpret this? Reframing doesn’t mean ignoring reality; it means giving yourself the benefit of the doubt and, occasionally, extending it to others. 

Did you know that the biggest reason we don’t succeed is that we doubt that we can? When we carry emotional baggage from past disappointments, it’s hard to get our hopes up. And, if you don’t believe success is possible, why bother trying? 

But, what if you let yourself believe – just a little – that things could be different? What if you opened the door to the possibility that people aren’t out to get you, that your work matters, and that your career goals are within reach? 

Changing your mindset about one thing can be a catalyst for other changes. Maybe you take a risk by trusting a colleague and delegating an important task, and they surprise you by delivering. Maybe you pitch an idea and, instead of being shot down, it sparks a productive discussion. 

When you believe it’s possible, you are more willing to do what it takes to make it happen. 

Think about a time when you truly believed something was possible for you. Maybe it was landing a new job, completing a challenging project, or learning a new skill. How did that belief influence your actions? 

Chances are it gave you the motivation to show up, to try, and to keep going, even when things got tough. And, because you kept going, you succeeded – or at least came closer than you would have otherwise. 

That’s the power of belief. When you truly believe something is possible, you act in ways that make it happen, sometimes without even realizing it. It’s not magic; it’s psychology. But, it can feel pretty magical when you start to see the results you’re hoping for. And yet, we can easily become jaded with all that’s happening around us. 

Cynicism is a lot easier to spot in someone else. You know the type: the coworker who rolls their eyes in every meeting, the friend who constantly complains about how nothing ever goes their way and insists the world is out to get them. It’s easy to see how their beliefs are holding them back. 

But, when it comes to our own lives, that’s a different story. Recognizing your own cynicism can be tough because somehow it feels justified, rational, even necessary. We don’t see it as a problem – we see it as a defense mechanism. 

So, here’s the challenge: Be as critical of your own beliefs as you are of others’. If you can spot how someone else’s negativity is sabotaging them, chances are you can find similar patterns in your own life – if you’re willing to look. 

Changing your beliefs isn’t an easy thing to do. Those beliefs are comfortable, familiar, and deeply ingrained. But, if you want to experience something differently, you have to start by changing what you believe. 

As I’ve said before, this doesn’t mean adopting blind optimism or pretending everything is fine when it’s not. It’s about being open – open to the possibility that things can change, open to the idea that people aren’t always out to get you, and open to the ways in which your beliefs might be shaping your experiences.

Give yourself a chance to have one of those moments where you suddenly realize you’ve been looking at something completely the wrong way. Whatever the situation, that moment of clarity is powerful – it’s the kind of revelation that changes everything. 

So, start small. Question one belief. Reframe one situation. Allow yourself to trust just one person. These small shifts can create a domino effect, leading to bigger changes over time. 

Think about it: If you believe your work isn’t valued, you might stop putting effort into your projects. If you believe your team can’t be trusted, you’ll hold back from collaborating. But, what if you challenged those beliefs? What if you let yourself think, “Maybe my work does matter”, or “Maybe my team is more reliable than I give them credit for”? That single shift in perspective can open doors you didn’t even know were there.

When you change your mind about something, you change how you show up – and that impacts how others respond to you. 

Reframing is the art of looking at things differently. It’s not about ignoring reality, but about seeing it from a different angle. Maybe you didn’t get that promotion you were hoping for. Your initial reaction might be to think that you’re not good enough. But, what if you reframed that thought to, “Maybe this means I’m meant for something bigger”, or “Maybe this is an opportunity to refine my skills”.

Reframing doesn’t make the disappointment vanish, but it shifts the focus. Instead of getting stuck in self-doubt, you’re turning the situation into a stepping stone to something better. And, I’d have to say, that is definitely a more productive way to spend your energy. 

If you want to change your beliefs, start by reflecting on your experiences. This isn’t about beating yourself up or wallowing in regrets – it’s about gaining clarity.

Here are four questions to guide your reflection: 

1. What disappointments or regrets did you experience this past year? Be honest. Did you miss out on an opportunity? Fall short of a goal? Let yourself feel the disappointment, but don’t stop there. 
2. What did you feel you should have been acknowledged for but weren’t? This one stings, doesn’t it? Maybe you worked late nights on a project, but someone else got the credit. Acknowledge the frustration, but resist the urge to spiral into cynicism. 
3. What did you accomplish this past year that you’re most proud of? It’s easy to dwell on failures, but what about your wins? There’s power in celebrating them, no matter how small they may seem. 
4. How do the events of the past year, good or bad, ultimately work to my advantage? This is a big one. Even setbacks can teach valuable lessons or open unexpected doors. Find the silver lining – it’s there, I promise it is. 

Reflecting on these questions helps you see patterns in your beliefs and actions. Can you see where you might be holding yourself back? Perhaps you’re telling yourself a story that doesn’t serve you. 

Speaking of stories, let’s talk about those narratives we create. Something happens – a setback, a rejection, a betrayal – and we assign it meaning. But, what we need to remember is that the meaning we choose is entirely up to us. 

For example, maybe the situation is you didn’t get the job you interviewed for. The story you tell yourself is, “I’ll never be good enough for roles like that”. Now, what if you told yourself a different story? Perhaps the new story is, “That wasn’t the right fit, but now I know what I need to improve for the next opportunity”. The facts don’t change, but the story does. And that makes all the difference. 

What happened to you matters. But, what matters more is the story you tell yourself about what happened. You can let setbacks define you, or you can let them help you learn and improve. It’s about choosing a narrative that empowers you instead of one that keeps you stuck. 

Our beliefs don’t just shape how we see the world; they actually influence how the world responds to us. When we expect betrayal, disappointment, or failure, we unconsciously act in ways that reinforce those outcomes. It’s our actions that signal our doubts to others, leading to exactly the results we feared. 

This works in reverse, too. When we challenge those negative beliefs and approach situations with the expectation of trust, success, or collaboration, we show up differently. We’re more open, more engaged, and more likely to invite positive responses from others.

I invite you to try changing your mindset, even slightly, and you may be surprised at how differently the world interacts with you. A single shift to perspective – believing something different about yourself, others, or your circumstances – can be the catalyst for a cascade of positive changes. 

Reframing situations, acknowledging your role in creating outcomes, and being open to new possibilities are powerful tools for breaking free from limiting patterns. When we challenge our default expectations, we don’t just change how we think; we change how we show up, how others respond to us, and ultimately, what we experience.

So, what’s one belief you’re willing to question today? Because questioning that belief might just be the first step toward creating the life and career you truly want. 

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Reflecting on Your Experience at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode one hundred and fifty-eight. 

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger. My email address is info@cindyesliger.com. 

If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It’s my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what’s holding you back in your career and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I’d love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective.  

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.