Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode one hundred and fifty-seven. I’m your host Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

In a professional environment, those big, explosive blow-ups tend to be rare. Most people know better than to make a big scene and lose their cool with everyone watching. However, it’s the tiny, unacknowledged slights that quietly accumulate over time that can really throw us off our game. A dismissive glance during a meeting, an idea ignored until someone else claims it, or the lingering sting of being overlooked for the third time in a row – those aren’t earth shattering moments on their own, but they don’t disappear into the ether, either. Instead, they settle in, layer by layer, creating an invisible but heavy weight we carry with us.

Over time, these ‘minor’ incidents start to influence how we see ourselves, our colleagues, and our potential in the workplace. They quietly reinforce the self-doubt we already have, reshaping our confidence, and planting seeds of self-sabotage we might not even recognize. 

In this episode, we explore the cumulative effects of these subtle, and not so subtle, microaggressions and the impact they have on our career. Without realizing it, we start to expect dismissal, avoid taking risks, and question whether we even belong in the spaces we’ve worked so hard to enter. It’s a self-perpetuating cycle where past wounds set the stage for present insecurity. And before long, we’re holding ourselves back as much as any external factor ever did. 

But, the good news is that while we can’t control how these slights and minor setbacks began, we can take charge of how they affect us moving forward. Unpacking the baggage and rewriting the story we tell ourselves isn’t just possible – it’s transformative.

Ever noticed how those little things – the interruptions, the dismissive remarks, the sideways glances – can cling to you long after they happen? Those tiny slights and microaggressions might seem inconsequential in the moment, but over time, they pile up like a neglected junk drawer in your psyche. Before you know it, you’re dragging around a suitcase full of unresolved baggage that you never even packed. And, it gets heavier over time. Worse, it colors how you view every future interaction at work, eroding your confidence and ultimately, sabotaging your success. 

Let’s talk about this ‘cumulative effect’, how it creeps into our professional lives, and – most importantly – how we can finally lighten the load. 

We aren’t robots who can just shrug off every slight with a quick reboot. What happens to us at work, especially in competitive environments where recognition is scarce, doesn’t simply vanish into thin air.

Take, for example, the meeting where you pitched an idea only to be met with silence, seconds before someone else repeated it, in slightly different words, and was hailed a genius. Or that time you were told you were ‘too aggressive’ for following up on deadlines, ‘too emotional’ for getting annoyed, or ‘too sensitive’ for not chuckling at yet another sexist comment. These moments might seem isolated, but they accumulate like tiny paper cuts, stinging just enough to leave a mark.

Over time, these experiences shape how we see ourselves and the workplace. Suddenly, you’re questioning your ideas before you even voice them. You might hesitate to speak up, assuming rejection or ridicule awaits. Worse, you may start to believe the lies implicit in those slights: Maybe I am too much. Maybe I’m not enough. But which is it? How can I be both? 

And there it is, the slippery slope of self-doubt that redefines what you think is possible for your future.

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Am I broken?”, welcome to the club. It’s not a fun one, but it’s pretty exclusive. Feeling like there’s something fundamentally wrong with you is a natural reaction to carrying around unresolved baggage. 

The weight of all those tiny incidents can morph into anxiety, detachment, or full-blown self-sabotage. You might catch yourself saying, “I don’t even care about that promotion”, even though deep down, you know you do. Or maybe you’ve started keeping your head down, thinking it’s safer to fly under the radar. 

What you might not realize is this is your unresolved baggage talking. It’s the accumulation of slights convincing you that you should shrink yourself to avoid further hurt or disappointment. But shrinking doesn’t solve the problem; it just makes the baggage loom larger. 

Here’s where things get interesting: once you recognize the ‘cumulative effect’ for what it is – a buildup of small, unresolved wounds – it loses some of its power. Awareness is a big step toward rebuilding your confidence and reclaiming control. 

Start by acknowledging the impact of those slights. Yes, it hurt when you were overlooked for that project. Yes, it was frustrating when your colleague got credit for your work. These weren’t trivial moments, and pretending they were doesn’t help. Validate your feelings instead of dismissing them. 

Once you’ve done that, look for patterns. Are there recurring themes in your interactions? Do certain situations trigger a disproportionate response? Identifying these patterns can help you separate past baggage from present reality. 

So, how do you use all of this to become stronger and more resilient? Start with these five steps: 

1. Name the Baggage: Call it what it is. Those small incidents aren’t insignificant – they add up over time. Naming them allows you to start addressing them rather than letting them fester.
2. Reframe Your Perspective: Instead of viewing yourself as ‘broken’, consider how those experiences have shaped you. Sure, they’ve left marks, but they’ve also given you insights into what you need to thrive. 
3. Set Boundaries: This one’s big. Stop letting others’ dismissive behavior define your worth. Learn to say ‘no’, push back, or disengage from toxic dynamics. 
4. Focus on What You Can Control: You can’t rewrite the past, but you can influence the present. Start small, whether it’s speaking up in a meeting or taking credit for your work, and build some momentum as you become more confident. 
5. Find Your People: Surround yourself with allies who see your value and who will advocate for you. They can help you reframe these moments of doubt and remind you of all that you’ve accomplished. 

Have you considered that some of the coping mechanisms that helped you survive these tough times might not be serving you anymore? Maybe you’ve learned to downplay your achievements to avoid backlash, or you’ve become hypervigilant in meetings to preempt criticism. These strategies may have been necessary once, but they’re probably holding you back now. It’s time to let them go. 

Letting go doesn’t mean pretending those experiences never happened; it means choosing not to let them define your future. It’s a process, not a switch you can flip overnight. So, be patient with yourself.

Ultimately, that workplace baggage doesn’t have to keep piling up. Yes, the scars are real, but they don’t have to dictate your future. You get to decide how to interpret your past and what kind of future you want to create. You can choose to see yourself as capable, resilient, and worthy – not despite your experiences, but because of them. Build a career that aligns with your values and priorities, not one dictated by all the crap you’ve had to endure.

It’s not easy, and it’s not instant. But with time, you can shed the weight of unresolved baggage and step into the next stage of your career with renewed confidence. So, take a moment to take a good, hard look at what you’ve been carrying around. Decide what’s worth keeping and what’s just taking up space. Then, start unpacking your own baggage, one piece at a time. 

But, if you’re waiting for the perfect time to work on yourself and your career, you’ll be waiting forever. It’s not about waiting for things to improve – it’s about starting now, as messy as it may be. Why? Because life is complicated and there’s always something that will seem like a roadblock. Maybe it’s a challenging boss, a lack of recognition, or imposter syndrome that keeps rearing its ugly head. Whatever it is, waiting for someone else to change how they behave just keeps you stuck in place. 

Instead, validate where you are right now. If you’re anxious, doubting yourself, or feeling detached, that’s okay. Those feelings are valid, and pretending they don’t exist won’t make them go away. Acknowledge them, give yourself grace, and start from there. 

Let’s clear up a common misconception: validating your feelings isn’t the same as wallowing in them. It’s not about throwing a pity party; it’s about acknowledging reality so you can make a plan to move forward. 

When you validate your anxiety, doubt, or detachment, you’re telling yourself this feeling is here for a reason. Maybe you’ve internalized years of workplace microaggressions. Maybe setbacks have made you question your capabilities. Whatever it is, your feelings are trying to tell you something. 

The trick is to pay attention and then guide yourself toward action by asking yourself: 

• What’s within my control right now? 
• How can I respond to this feeling in a way that supports my long-term goals? 
• What would I say to a friend going through this?

When you stop fighting your emotions and start working with them, you open the door to progress. 

It’s easy to fall into the trap of tying your worth to external validation. Praise and promotions that you work so hard for feel good, and it’s natural to want them. But, when your self-worth relies solely on what others think, you’re handing your power over to them. 

The reality is, external validation is fleeting. Even if you get that promotion or reward, it’s not a permanent solution to feelings of inadequacy. True confidence comes from within – not from someone else’s stamp of approval. 

So, how do you get there? Start by recognizing your intrinsic value. What makes you great at your job? What unique skills and perspectives do you bring to the table? Focus on these, and remind yourself that your worth isn’t up for debate.

By building self-confidence that isn’t tied to external factors, you’ll be better equipped to weather workplace challenges. But, this isn’t about pretending life’s difficulties don’t exist. They do. Workplace slights and challenges are real and they won’t disappear just because you decide to focus on your self-image. It’s not about avoiding the difficulties; you just need to learn how to manage them. 

Think of it as building emotional agility. Instead of trying to sidestep stress or discomfort, you face them head-on with the tools to handle them effectively. This approach isn’t just about surviving – it’s about thriving, even in less-than-ideal circumstances. 

Part of moving forward is understanding the emotional toll your baggage takes on you. Many of us conflate stress and anxiety, but they’re not the same. 

• Stress is a response to a current threat, like a tight deadline or a tense conversation. It’s in-the-moment and often tied to a specific trigger. 
• Anxiety is more insidious. It’s about perceived danger – rumination over past events or worries about the future. It’s the ‘what if’ spiral that keeps you up at night. 

When you’re carrying unresolved baggage, anxiety often masquerades as stress. Recognizing what you’re experiencing is crucial. Stress might call for problem-solving or immediate action, while anxiety often requires calming strategies and reframing your thoughts. 

Over time, unresolved issues can turn ordinary situations into stress triggers. Maybe a colleague’s tone of voice reminds you of a past manager who was overly critical. Or scheduling a feedback session sends you into a tailspin because it brings back memories of being unfairly judged. 

These associations are real, but they’re not permanent. Deconditioning the stress response involves recognizing these triggers and reframing them. Here’s three steps to do just that: 

1. Pause and Identify the Trigger: What’s setting off your stress response? Is there a real, immediate threat here, or am I reacting to something from my past? 
2. Challenge the Association: Ask yourself, is this reaction proportional to what’s happening now? If not, remind yourself that something not yet resolved is making these seem worse than they are. 
3. Take Action: If possible, address the source of the stress. If not, focus on grounding techniques to calm your mind and body, or remove yourself from the situation by taking a break so you can regroup. 

By becoming aware of these patterns, you can start to break the cycle and respond more appropriately for the situation at-hand. 

Anxiety, unlike stress, often requires a different set of tools. When you find yourself spiraling into ‘what if’ territory, try these strategies: 

1. Ground Yourself in the Present: Use techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness, or simply naming five things you can see, hear, and feel around you.
2. Reframe the Thought: Instead of thinking, “What if I fail?”, try, “What if I succeed?”. Shift your focus to possibilities rather than fears. 
3. Set a Time Limit for Worrying: Give yourself permission to ruminate, but only for a set amount of time. Once that time is up, redirect your energy to something more productive. 

Microaggressions can really take a toll. A colleague interrupts you one too many times in meetings, and suddenly you’re questioning whether your ideas are even worth sharing. A boss subtly undermines your accomplishments, and you start to wonder if, in fact, they’re right. Over time, these incidents chip away at your confidence, leaving you susceptible to imposter syndrome, where you feel like you’re one misstep away from being exposed as a fraud. 

The funny thing is, imposter syndrome isn’t about your actual abilities. It’s about the narratives you’ve internalized from these successive slights and setbacks. 

The key to dismantling imposter syndrome is twofold: 

1. Learn to address these microaggressions. 
2. Focus on your own career progression – without comparisons.

Microaggressions thrive in silence. By shining a light on this behavior and speaking up – whether it’s a direct comment in the moment or a private conversation later – you can start to find your voice and set healthy boundaries. This doesn’t mean you have to fight every battle; choose what’s worth addressing and let the rest of it go. 

And, when it comes to your career progression, stop looking around. Someone else’s career trajectory has absolutely nothing to do with yours. Sure, that coworker who seems to ‘have it all together’ might inspire some jealousy, but comparing yourself to someone else’s highlight reel will only keep you stuck. Instead, focus on small, measurable wins that matter to you. 

To get where you want to go requires letting go of who you once were. The version of you that survived those toxic environments, endured those slights, and carried that baggage, they deserve gratitude for getting you through, but they’re not the person who will lead you to your next stage of success.

This process of shedding old identities isn’t easy. We get attached to the roles we’ve played, even when they no longer serve us. Maybe you were the peacemaker in your toxic workplace, constantly smoothing over conflicts to maintain harmony. Or, perhaps you were the workhorse, taking on more than your fair share just to prove your worth. 

But, to move forward, you have to let go of these roles. So, ask yourself: 

• What do I want to be in this next phase of my career?
• What habits or mindsets do I need to release to get there? 

Letting go isn’t about erasing the past. It’s about integrating those experiences into your story in a way that empowers you. 

You can’t change what happened to you, but you can choose how you will interpret it. Instead of viewing the past as a series of unfortunate events that left you broken, try reframing it as a series of lessons that made you stronger and a more formidable contender.

This isn’t about toxic positivity or pretending everything was fine. It’s about acknowledging the hardships while also recognizing the strength they helped you build. You get to decide what those experiences will mean – and how they’ll influence your future. 

The thing about the future is that it’s usually not as scary as we think. Yes, change is uncomfortable and the unknown is daunting, but it’s also where possibility lives. Our lives are built on the sum of our experiences, good and bad. Think of everything you’ve endured – the slights, the setbacks, and those subtle microaggressions. If you can handle all of that, you can handle whatever comes next. It’s simply a matter of deciding to believe that better things are possible. 

The ‘cumulative effect’ of workplace baggage is real, and its impact can’t be overstated. But, it doesn’t have to define you. By recognizing the coping skills you’ve outgrown and focusing on your own journey, you can start to shed the weight that’s been holding you back.

Letting go of who you once were is tough, but it’s also liberating. It opens the door to a future where you’re not limited by old narratives or toxic workplace dynamics. So, here’s your challenge:  decide what you’re ready to release. Choose to see your past as a source of strength rather than a limitation. 

Remember, you’re not broken, and your worth isn’t determined by anyone else’s opinion. And, if there’s one thing you’ve proven, it’s that you’re capable of far more than you realize. And honestly, the best is yet to come. 

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Unpacking the Emotional Baggage at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode one hundred and fifty-seven. 

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger. My email address is info@cindyesliger.com. 

If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It’s my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what’s holding you back in your career and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I’d love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective.  

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.