Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode one hundred and forty-four. I’m your host Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

In the corporate world, where the stakes are high and relationships are key, the pressure to be nice can feel overwhelming. We’re taught that being agreeable, accommodating, and pleasant is the ticket to success and harmony in the workplace. But niceness, when forced, can quickly become a double-edged sword. It can lead to self-sacrifice, blurred boundaries, and a culture where disrespect is tolerated in the name of keeping the peace. 

In this episode, we explore the reality that being nice to those you work with can work against you. It gives other people the impression that you are naive in the ways of the world, easily manipulated, and someone who will put up with just about anything they can dish out. What the workplace truly needs is kindness – authentic, strong, and unapologetic kindness that respects others while also respecting yourself. 

Kindness in the corporate environment isn’t about being a pushover or constantly saying yes to avoid conflict. It’s about setting clear boundaries, standing up for what’s right, and knowing that you can say ‘no’. Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do for yourself and your colleagues is to push back against unreasonable demands or behavior that crosses the line. By prioritizing kindness over forced niceness, you not only protect your own well-being, but also contribute to a healthier, more respectful workplace where everyone’s voice is valued and heard. 

Niceness is overrated. There, I said it. The world has long placed an unnecessary premium on being nice, as if it’s the golden ticket to popularity, happiness, and success. But, being nice often comes at the expense of being real, honest, and most importantly, kind. And no, these are not the same thing. In fact, niceness and kindness are worlds apart. 

• Niceness is all about appearances. It’s that forced smile you plaster on your face when your co-worker asks you for a favor you really don’t want to do. It’s the overly chipper tone you adopt when you’re trying to avoid conflict or when you’re simply going through the motions of social niceties. Niceness is surface-level; it’s about keeping things pleasant, even if that means betraying your own feelings or needs. 
• Kindness, on the other hand, digs deeper. Kindness is about action. It’s about showing up for people, not just in the easy moments, but in the tough ones too. Kindness is caring enough to tell someone the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable. It’s about setting boundaries, saying ‘no’ when you need to, and protecting your own well-being without feeling guilty. Kindness is compassionate and thoughtful, but it’s not allowing yourself to be a doormat. 

This distinction is crucial, especially in a world that often confuses the two. Being nice doesn’t mean you have to tolerate bad behavior or let people walk all over you. In fact, sometimes the kindest thing you can do is to say ‘no’, set a boundary, and reduce your interactions with someone who doesn’t treat you in a respectful manner. Niceness might keep the peace in the short term, but kindness is what fosters genuine, lasting professional relationships. 

This is where the societal pressure to be nice can really mess things up for us. When you’re constantly focused on being nice, you’re more likely to betray yourself. You suppress your true feelings, avoid addressing conflicts as they arise, and ultimately, you lose touch with who you are and what you want. Instead of being authentic, you simply become what others expect you to be – pleasant, agreeable, and quite frankly, bland. 

Kindness, however, requires you to be in tune with yourself and others. It’s not just about saying hello or offering a smile; it’s about doing things for people, showing genuine compassion, and forming deeper relationships. If the past few years have taught us anything, it’s that relationships are what truly matter in life, and kindness is the glue that holds these relationships together. It’s what builds goodwill and trust, and it’s what makes people invest in you as much as you invest in them. 

Too many people worry that if they’re kind, it’ll be seen as a sign of weakness and they’ll be taken advantage of or finish last. But, kindness is actually a sign of strength, not weakness. It’s about making a steady investment in others, even when it’s not always reciprocated. When you work in a culture of kindness, people are more willing to own up to their mistakes because they know they’ll be treated with understanding, not harsh judgment. This type of environment fosters collaboration and problem-solving, rather than fear and pretension. 

Let’s be clear: there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be nice, but it shouldn’t be your primary goal. I’m not suggesting you walk around with the intent of being a complete jerk – far from it. But, being seen as cordial should not be the main motivator behind your behavior. Instead, aspire to be kind. Be generous, fair, honest, and vulnerable. Be someone who genuinely cares about others and isn’t afraid to show it. Think of it this way, niceness is talking about the weather; kindness is making sure someone has an umbrella in case it rains.

The problem is, too many people have niceness and kindness mixed up. Niceness might mean saying positive things, but kindness is about doing positive things. It’s about prioritizing people’s humanity over everything else. I’m not looking for someone to describe me as ‘nice’ when I’m not in the room. What does that even mean? Nice can be empty, shallow, and passive. It tells you nothing of substance about someone. In fact, when that’s the only word used to describe a person, it makes me wonder. You don’t want to be the person who is always smiling, even in moments of strife. That just feels insincere and dishonest. 

When you’re always trying to be nice, we end up taking a lot of crap and dealing with a lot of people’s awful behavior. We don’t hold them accountable because we’re too busy being polite. We end up on the receiving end of unjust treatment more than we should be, because in our politeness, we regulate our own feelings to the bottom of the barrel. But, here’s the truth: you don’t have to bend over backward to be seen and appreciated by the people who matter. You can be kind and still be feisty, assertive, and unwilling to tolerate poor treatment.

Think about the worst boss you’ve ever worked for and the best boss you’ve ever worked for. Which one motivated you more? With the amazing boss, you probably wanted to show up, do a good job, and you felt proud of your work. With the awful boss, it was probably more about trying to hide your mistakes, just getting through the day, and maybe even pretending everything was fine while you were just there to collect a paycheck.

Kindness in the workplace creates a culture where people aren’t afraid to own up to their mistakes because they know they won’t face severe punishment or negative consequences. Instead, they’re more likely to commit to doing whatever it takes to recover from that mistake. They work together to solve problems rather than pretending issues don’t exist or blaming them on someone else. 

As women, we’ve been socially conditioned from a young age to prioritize acceptance, to be liked, and to be seen as ‘nice’. And for what? So we can float through life without making waves? Well, the truth is that being nice often comes at a steep price – our self-respect, our boundaries, and ultimately, our sanity. 

We’ve all felt it, that gnawing fear of being ostracized if we dare to stand our ground or, heaven forbid, say something that might upset someone. At our core, we’re social creatures. We want community. We want to be liked and we want people to think we’re nice. Acceptance by other humans is not just a want, it’s a need, something that starts in childhood and follows us well into adulthood. So, we do our best to be cordial, good-natured, and what others think is palatable – often at the expense of our own feelings. 

How many times have you swallowed your words, put on a forced smile, and nodded along when what you really wanted to do was scream? We acquiesce, we compromise, and we prioritize others’ comfort over our own, all in the name of being nice. That’s not even getting into how many times we tolerate sexist jokes and objectionable comments. And, what do we get in return? A lifetime of being devalued and disrespected. Forced niceness is a major disservice to ourselves because it teaches us to prioritize other people’s wants and needs above our own. And, it teaches others that we’ll tolerate their disrespect. 

We tend to waste so much of our time trying to be nice to everyone. And let me tell you, humans are fickle. People are consistently inconsistent about what they want. So, when you base your actions on the end goal of being considered nice, you’re setting yourself up for failure. There’s no guarantee that someone will like you, no matter how nice you are. So, what’s the point of trying so hard? People-pleasing often feels like the default response – placing value on being as agreeable as possible in order to be accepted. But, this is often just self-betrayal that does more damage in the long run. 

We’re told time and time again to take the high road, to be the better person when we’re wronged. But sometimes, the high road is under construction and the detour is a necessary evil. When people go low, sometimes you have to meet them where they are. I’m not a fan of the idea that we should always turn the other cheek. In some situations, insisting on taking the high road does more harm than good. It puts harmony over justice and civility over making amends, and that’s a problem. Constantly bypassing the opportunity to defend ourselves or to stand up against what’s wrong isn’t noble – it’s damaging.

The need for ‘niceness’ has permeated every aspect of how we move through the world. We’re always trying to be courteous above all else, even when it means ignoring systems and behaviors that don’t serve us. People who insist on politeness often miss the point entirely. Thinking that we should be nicer gets us nowhere. If people want to take offense at our words, they will find a reason. So, why bother bending over backward to ensure you’re not ruffling any feathers?

Let’s get one thing straight: you don’t have to be nice to everyone. You don’t have to prioritize courteousness over fairness. Fairness doesn’t come just because you’re begging for it or because you’re nice. I don’t understand this obsession with having to take the high road when others do anything but. We need to push past the idea that being likable or nice is the key to everything. Making the argument for your point of view is not about politeness, and standing up for yourself isn’t about being nice. It’s about being kind – to yourself and others. 

Your needs and wants are valid, even if you don’t express them neatly wrapped up in a bow. You don’t owe anyone niceness, especially if they’ve disrespected you. You need to stop tolerating being treated poorly and start prioritizing kindness – starting with being kind to ourselves. And, if you need permission to do that, consider this your permission slip.

This doesn’t mean you have to address everyone who brings trash into your life, or engage with every person who tries to drag you into their drama. You don’t have that kind of time or energy. But, it does mean that when the situation calls for it (and trust me, you’ll know when it does) you shouldn’t feel bad for meeting someone at their level. This doesn’t make you a bad person or overly emotional; it simply means you’ve made a decision to engage as needed. Sometimes, you have to remind people that messing with you comes with a cost, and they’ll just have to deal with it. 

Not putting up with poor treatment might sometimes look like silence to the person who’s trying to provoke you. Pick your battles. We spend so much time telling people to maintain harmony that we feel like we have no room to defend ourselves in a world that’s constantly at war with us. But, here’s the thing: you don’t have to take it if you feel disrespected. We should be challenging ourselves to demand the respect we deserve, to be more outspoken, to be kinder and louder when others would prefer we stay quiet. 

Being kind doesn’t mean avoiding conflict or letting others walk all over you. It means connecting your humanity to that of others and showing that in the way you move through the world. Yes, you’ll ruffle feathers. You might even be the villain in a few people’s stories. You might burn a few bridges along the way, but your worth isn’t based on how much you acquiesce to the people around you. The goal is to betray yourself less, to be kind, but to stop tolerating being treated poorly. 

Empowerment is a word that gets tossed around a lot, but what does it really mean? In a world that’s constantly telling us to be nice, empowerment is about reclaiming our power to choose how we respond to those societal expectations that have been put upon us. It’s about recognizing that we don’t have to fit into the box that’s been conveniently labeled ‘nice girl’. Instead, we can prioritize kindness – real, genuine kindness – without sacrificing our boundaries or self-respect. 

Many of us feel the pressure to downplay our capabilities, intelligence, and hard-earned success just to fit in. We’re often taught that being too smart, too ambitious, or too successful can be intimidating to others, and it’s unbecoming for us to make anyone feel uncomfortable, right? But, here’s the deal: it’s not our responsibility to help others get comfortable in their discomfort. Let them reconcile their own uncomfortableness and cognitive dissonance. You didn’t work your butt off to get where you are, to now play small just to make others feel better about themselves.

There’s a pervasive fear of success that tends to hold us back, and it’s rooted in the potential alienating effects it can have on our personal and professional relationships. We fear that if we shine too brightly, we’ll somehow push others away. But, have you considered that maybe it’s not our success that’s the problem – perhaps it’s other people’s insecurities. When we downplay our achievements to make others feel more at ease, we’re not just doing ourselves a disservice, we’re also reinforcing the idea that it’s okay to make us feel ‘less than’ because someone sees us as a threat.

Success can be scary because it tends to open us up to criticism, and no one enjoys being criticized. But, learning to handle criticism gracefully is part of the journey to empowerment. It’s about detaching from external judgments and focusing on your own unique contributions. Everyone has an opinion, but not all opinions are created equal. The opinions that matter are the ones that help you grow, the ones that challenge you to do better – not the ones that are designed to tear you down or make you doubt yourself.

When we prioritize being nice over being true to ourselves, we start to compromise our values, our boundaries, and our self-respect. It’s a slow erosion of self that often goes unnoticed until it’s too late. And, this often results in us becoming people-pleasers, if we weren’t doing that already. We say ‘yes’ when we really want to say ‘no’, we agree when we actually disagree, and we bite our tongues instead of speaking our minds. But, I want you to know that it’s okay to ruffle some feathers. It’s okay to stand your ground, to assert your boundaries, and to protect your peace of mind. Kindness doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your own well-being for the sake of others’ comfort. 

Empowerment is about recognizing that you have the right to say ‘no’, to set boundaries, and to make decisions that are in your best interests. And sometimes, the kindest thing you can do for yourself – and others – is to enforce those boundaries. It might not make you popular, and it might even make some people uncomfortable, but that’s not your problem. You’re not here to make everyone happy – you’re here to live a life that’s true to who you are. 

So, stop being the ‘nice girl’ you’re expected to be. Instead, be kind – kind to everyone, even those who don’t deserve it. And, make it a priority to be kind to yourself. Don’t downplay your capabilities or your success just to fit in. Don’t let the fear of success hold you back because you’re afraid of what others might think. Don’t be afraid to embrace criticism and detach from external judgments. And, most importantly, don’t let societal pressure dictate how you live your life. 

Again, it’s not our responsibility to make others comfortable in their discomfort. Let them deal with their own issues. Your job is to be the best version of yourself and to shine as brightly as you can. Empowerment is about making sure you’re happy with who you are and how you’re living your life. 

Niceness may keep things pleasant, but kindness is what leads to real success in life. It’s a powerful force, one that helps you build meaningful relationships and create a legacy that matters.

So, the next time you’re faced with the choice of being nice or being kind, remember: kindness is not about being weak or finishing last. It’s about showing up as yourself, setting boundaries, and investing in the people and relationships that truly matter. And, that’s how you win the long game. 

In my opinion, a life well-lived isn’t about how many people you didn’t upset or how many fake smiles you plastered on your face. It’s about committing to kindness, even if that means being fierce and setting boundaries. It’s about connecting deeply with others and refusing to put up with disrespect. 

So, the next time someone tells you to be nice, remember this: you don’t have to be nice – you can be kind. And, there’s a world of difference between the two. 

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Being Kind in the Corporate World at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode one hundred and forty-four.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com.

If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It’s my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what’s holding you back in your career, and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I’d love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.