Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode seven. I’m your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast for focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

We all have things that make us feel different or inadequate. We tend to want to hide them from the world, but really they’re our best parts. People are attracted to imperfections because that’s what makes us more relatable and genuine. 

In this episode, we’re going to talk about being yourself and defining success on your own terms. It’s so important to stop the habit of people-pleasing and trying to contort yourself into what you think others want you to be and embrace what makes you different. Embrace all of you. Your flaws and your quirks are what make you stand out. Lead with them. 

Aspiring to some ideal of perfection is unrealistic. We’re all flawed. We’re all imperfect. Yet, we see it as our misfortune, not as an opportunity. We can drown in our flaws or we can own them and find our strengths. 

Stop trying to people please. We have no control over the needs, emotions or opinions of other people and pinpointing what will make them happy is just a guess, so don’t waste your time trying to please them. Do work that is meaningful to you, that reflects your genuine passion and your enthusiasm. That will create excitement and energy that radiates outward. You’ll become a beacon, attracting your people to you. So do the work that makes you happy and it just might rub off on someone else. 

I’m sure you’ve heard it, “Why can’t you just be like everybody else?”. In my life, I’ve heard that same refrain from teachers, friends, and family. Or maybe your version was, “Why can’t you just be normal?”. What they’re really saying is you don’t fit in here.

But I’ve never really fit in, not only because I don’t want to, but because it’s not possible for me, or for you, to behave like anyone else. Believe me, there are times for a little “go along to get along” mentality, because sometimes a bit of social etiquette is required. But sometimes fitting in denotes a lack of character. 

As humans, we’re social creatures. We want to belong. We want people to like us. But problems arise when we change who we are to achieve that goal. It’s natural to want more friends, more of that right kind of attention. But we lose our authenticity and our voice when we try to ignore the parts of us that make us different or special in the first place.

People follow leaders who have something to say, who stand for something. But when you have nothing to say, you’re no longer leading, you’re following. Knowing that you don’t fit in is your first step toward understanding your gift and finding your potential. Don’t try to accommodate every relationship in every situation. Don’t contort yourself to fit in a box, or a cubicle. The world has enough bland.

I wish I could say don’t even try to fit in, but it’s not that easy to stand out either. You may have heard the old adage, “The only thing you learn by following the herd is that the view never changes.” In that same way, you’ll never learn to express your own truth, you’ll never find that power within, and you’ll never get to know who you are, or what you’re capable of. The more vulnerable and authentic you can be in expressing your opinion, the deeper the connection you’ll have with others. 

What is more personal and unique to you is the very thing, that if you’re willing to risk expressing it, it will speak volumes to others. The hardest part is to trust that your story and opinions have value. Trusting your voice and your opinion is a good starting point, then work on not being afraid to put it out there. 

We all have an opinion, but most of us are afraid to let it be known. We don’t value what we have to offer, “Who’d be interested in what I have to say?”. It’s scary because once we acknowledge it, we might want to share it with the world, and we’re afraid that someone else might not like it. And that’s a completely valid fear. The truth is, not everyone will share your opinion, but that’s how you find the ones who will appreciate you for who you are. 

If you play it safe and adopt someone else’s opinion as your own, you’re not in charge. You’re taking direction from someone else. Your voice is what sets you apart. It’s in everything that you do. It makes you memorable and distinctive, and it frees you from following what everyone else is doing. 

So ask yourself, “What do I have to say?”. Your voice is who you are. Maybe not the you, you have become over the past few years, but the you that is screaming from the inside, demanding to be heard. It’s the way you see the world and how you interpret events and circumstances. So learn to allow your voice to be heard and let it grow. Carve your own path to follow in life. 

Without finding your voice, you let yourself be controlled by others. And never give someone else that kind of power over you. Take back control. Take responsibility for your life. And that starts by defining success for yourself. 

Sometimes less is more. Sometimes we realize that what we thought we wanted, isn’t actually what we wanted at all. We follow the herd. We crave money, status and power. But maybe what you really want is creative freedom and an agile life. Yet we attach ourselves to the very things that restrict our freedom. 

We spend an amazing amount of energy doing and acquiring whatever it takes to achieve the modern idea of success. We always want more, there’s something else, that next new thing. Our basements, attics, and storage units are stacked high with stuff we wanted, but certainly didn’t need. 

We make our career decisions based on our desire for more and what others will think. We follow the pack because that’s what everyone else does. Leaving ourselves no room to seek our true potential. We feel defeated and stuck. And then we can’t chase our dreams because we have a mortgage to pay. 

We buy into the idea that things will bring us happiness, only to find out later than what we really desire are simpler values. If you want more in your life, you may actually want less. Accepting less means less clutter, less distraction, less debt, less greed, and less meaningless stuff. Your happiness shouldn’t come from any source, other than acceptance of who you are. So never settle and never give in to what other people define as success. 

Not only are each of us different, but the rules are different for men and women. And you have to know your part and how to play it. And I’m not saying you have to be fake or phony, but we’re judged on whether we understand the nuances of what it means to act professionally. There are subtle, stereotypical ways in which women behave that contribute to the overall impression of being less competent than we are. 

We’re judged by our actions, not our intentions. And we may mistakenly assume that we have to act like a man in order to get ahead, in order to succeed. But we’re just demonstrating our lack of understanding of the rules of the game. 

There are different rules for men and women, but the goal isn’t to be a poor imitation of a man. You may notice yourself adopting many of these behaviors. It’s what we’ve been taught. It’s what we know. Many behaviors, on their own, are benign, but putting several together confirms the stereotypes of us being naive, having a need for approval, and lacking self-confidence. And we have a tendency to take things personally. So we try to act like men because it feels like we should try to be one of the guys. 

No matter how accomplished and intelligent we are, we attempt to demonstrate confidence by trying to imitate male confidence, whether consciously or unconsciously, and it comes across all wrong. If a woman speaks up first at meetings and acts assertively, she risks being disliked, or even worse – we’ve all heard those lovely terms of endearment. But, we can also suffer consequences for our lack of confidence. 

Attitudes towards women are changing for the better, but a host of troubling research shows that we may still pay a heavier social and even professional penalty than men do, for acting in a way that’s seen as aggressive. The more a woman succeeds, the worse it can get. And it’s not just her competence that’s called into question, it’s her very character. 

The more senior a woman is, the more she has to make a conscious effort to play down her value, and that’s the reverse of how most men handle power. Women tend to think that they should not talk much in meetings, depending on those in attendance. When asked why, they say they don’t want to be disliked, or seem out of line. And unfortunately, they’re right, because both men and women view the women, who talk more than the other people, as significantly less competent and less suited to leadership than a man who talks for about the same amount of time. So when we talk less than others, our perceived competency shoots up. So confident women can find themselves in a catch-22, but this might work in our favor, for those of us who are more introverted and have to be encouraged to speak up more.

Remember that success does discriminate. Male privilege at work is the ability to fit into your work environment by default. Dominant groups set the standards for behavior in organizations, and we’re all encouraged to adopt those standards. 

As humans, we’re hardwired to try to fit in. We take cues from our environment. We come to understand what it means to belong by watching and interacting with others. We watch how they behave, how they talk, how they dress, how they speak, and even how they think. Conforming to the standard determines how easy it is for you to fit in. 

And unfortunately, the longer we work in corporate life, the harder it is to challenge our own beliefs of the ideal worker. And year after year, of not getting promoted, and not understanding why, the less likely it is for women to feel as though they fit in, and it really comes into play at the senior levels. Despite all our trying to fit in, lead, and get promoted, eventually we might have to accept that this may never happen where we are. 

Gender is just one form of privilege. Race and age come into play as well. There isn’t one experience of inequality. It shows up differently for everyone at work, some more complex than others. Sometimes it feels like it takes superhuman determination for women to succeed despite the circumstances. Maybe that’s why there’s still so few women in male-dominated fields. 

The individuals who do get promoted or rewarded over their peers may not be more qualified, or more experienced, but they are the masters at getting the support they need for an idea, a promotion, a pay raise, or a high profile project. They know how to play the game. They have political skill to build relationships and networks, and they know how to collaborate and persuade others. And done in the right way, it can significantly improve your performance ratings, promotion opportunities, reputation, and further your career progression. 

Being politically skilled helps people advance at work, but it doesn’t work for everyone in the same way. It’s harder for women to build relationships, alliances and supportive informal networks. And even if they become one of the guys, women still won’t be accepted, because they are violating the standards society holds for how women are meant to behave. 

Women face a catch-22. We can’t engage in office politics the same way as men, because we risk being seen as masculine, but we also can’t engage in more feminine ways, because that’s not how you play the game. No wonder women find engaging in political behavior draining and stressful. We’re being asked to adopt behaviors that are not our own, and it feels inauthentic. 

Sometimes office politics can seem irrational, aggressive, and competitive, but it’s important for advancing individual goals. Yet the way organizations are structured requires you to engage in masculine political behaviors to advance your career, and we tend to be excluded. 

Women experience the organization’s culture differently. But the one thing that we can do is to be an ally for each other, and amplify our messages. We need to change the conversation because it’s time for a new conversation. The inequality you experience at work doesn’t exist because of you, it exists because of the culture in your workplace.

So find your own style. For most of us, coming across as too confident is not the problem. We have biology, upbringing, and society that all seem to be conspiring against women having confidence. And confidence is not, as we once believed, just feeling good about yourself. If women simply needed a few words of reassurance, we’d have taken over the corner office long ago.

Perhaps the clearest and most useful definition of confidence is the one I found by Richard Petty, a psychology professor at Ohio State University, who has spent decades focused on the subject. He says, “Confidence is the stuff that turns thoughts into action”. Of course, many other factors also contribute to action, some of those are courage, and persistence, and creativity. 

We turn our thoughts into feelings about what we are capable of, and that then transforms those feelings into action. Confidence and action are interrelated. Confidence is a belief in one’s ability to succeed. It’s that belief that stimulates action. In turn, taking action bolsters one’s belief in one’s ability to succeed. So confidence accumulates through hard work, through success, and even through failure. 

But the reverse is also true. The result of lack of confidence is inaction. When women hesitate, because we aren’t sure, we hold ourselves back. But when we do act, even if it’s because we’re forced to, we perform just as well as men do. And confidence can be self perpetuating. 

These results could not be more relevant to understanding the confidence gap and figuring out how to close it. We are as capable as the men. What holds us back is the choice we make not to try. To become more confident, women need to stop thinking so much, and just act. 

So embrace the differences. Being different is part of the story of success. There are so few women in this industry and we can let it undermine us and limit us, or we can embrace our uniqueness and wear it as a badge of honor.

Let’s be unapologetic about being a woman in this industry. Take the risk out of standing out, being that tall poppy. Learn to stand up for yourself in negotiations. Demand the high profile assignment that would otherwise go to your male colleagues. Do all the things that don’t fit with the stereotype of a “good girl”. 

Our willingness to be different is critical to confidence. Confidence comes from stepping out of your own comfort zone and working towards goals that come from your own values and needs, not the goals determined by society for you. You need to have a strong sense of self, not just a sense of achievement. 

But please don’t feel like you have to be anything other than who you want to be. Don’t worry so much about being liked, instead, desire respect. I have no trouble saying I’m competent at what I do. And I’m equally happy to talk about where I need to improve. So learn to take pride in being different. 

Don’t succumb to pressures to fit in, because it won’t end well. Don’t do what is expected of you. Do what you want to do. Genuinely confident people don’t feel as though they have anything to hide, “I am who I am, and if you don’t like it, then too bad”. 

Exposing your weaknesses won’t keep you from succeeding. They may even be a part of the reason for your success. So be brave enough to not only be different, but to be yourself. 

Build your confidence on your own achievements, not the praise of others. There’s never going to be a constant stream of compliments and positive feedback, so build that solid internal confidence that comes from knowing how hard you worked to earn it.

And that’s it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide outlining Daily Challenges Women Encounter at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode seven. 

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch. I’m on Instagram @cindyesliger and my email address is info@cindyesliger.com. And if you liked the show, please tell a friend, subscribe, rate, and review. 

Until next week, I’m Cindy Esliger. Thank you for joining me.